She felt the now all to familiar liquid burn down her throat. It was just past seven and the bottle of whisky was already half-empty. Four nights. Four nights in a row had she spent like this. Sprawled out on the couch or the floor with a bottle of some strong alcoholic beverage. She had it under control, she said. Everything is fine, she said. At least in her own mind she thought she had control over her drinking for the time being, but on the anniversary she lost it. On September twenty-first, a Saturday this year, she lost even that little illusion of control she thought she possessed. Everything has been a big blur since that night four days ago, everything but him. She could drink herself into oblivion and still see him as clear as she saw the midday sun. Every time she closed her eyes he was there, smiling at first but then… She dragged herself drunkenly off the floor, her knees wobbling and her head spinning. Suddenly her body was on fire, everything went black for a second and she screamed. Glass shattered on the floor and Jack Daniel's painted her living room wall. Both her hands reached up to her auburn hair and yanked before they went back down to cover her face as she sank to her knees. Hot tears cut over flustered cheeks as her body jerked with each violent sob that escaped from her chest. All she could see was their past, a time in her life that had grown to become her personal hell. It was always haunting her. She tried to move away. Away from all the familiar faces, the familiar coffee shops and her job, but to no avail. She was shaking now. Thirty-nine years old and this is what have become of her life, if it could even be called life anymore. She had quit her job after it happened, two days after it happened to be exact. It reminded her too much of him. The New York Police Department twelfth precinct's best detective had left everything at her desk and resigned. Her carrier had been amazing to say at least, but she could of never have done it without him. Oh, how he had annoyed her when they first met, but she would give everything to be back there, back to ten years ago. She would give anything to stare into ice-blue eyes, contrary to their color they were the warmest and softest eyes she had ever had the pleasure of staring into. Never had she understood how people said they 'got lost' in someone's eyes before she met his. She, of course, being a well-respected detective at the time never acted on her attraction towards him. At least not at first, there were light flirting, innuendos and lingering looks but nothing more. It took them four years. They had fought, she had risked her life for him and he would not have any of it.
"Kate, please. Please promise me you will never do anything so stupid again, you shouldn't have saved me! You got shot for Christ's sake!" Had he screamed at her in frustration, "I got shot in the shoulder it's nothing. You could've died Castle! And I could never live with myself if I got you killed! Besides who are you to tell me what to do? Why do you even care!?"
A sharp pain shot through her chest at the memory, she knew this conversation in and out, and it played trough her mind at least once a day.
"Why do I even care?!" had he yelled back. "I don't care about you… I love you. I have loved you for the past three years, been there by your side for four! I was always there for you Kate, but I would never want you to give your life up because of me." She had said it too. She had whispered those three words into his ear more times than she could count that night. Never had Katherine Beckett been happier than she had been that Sunday morning when she woke up with Richard Castle's arm draped over her bare torso, a soft smile dancing at the corner of his lips.
Everything was perfect but Katherine never really felt like she deserved a man like Richard. She could not shake the feeling that he deserved someone special and every time she looked in the mirror she convinced herself that she could never be his special someone. It was too good to be true. So one day, after five years she broke it off and in her mind she was trying to do what was the best for him. She tried dating other people but none of them was her Richard, she loved him. He called her; he went to her apartment to talk and every time she blew him off pretending to not care. She just wanted for him to have a good life with a woman he deserved. Then on September twenty-first two thousand and twelve, she did not receive a call, nor did anyone knock at her door precisely six-thirty in the evening. So she went to his loft, she broke her rules but she knew something was wrong. The door was locked so she took out her spare key and thank God he had not changed the lock. Everything was eerie peaceful and she quickly noticed the empty bottle of scotch on the coffee table and all the other bottles strewn about his loft. Her gut was sinking the closer she got to his bedroom, her hand trembling as she reached for the handle. In the dim light she saw the silhouette of the man she loved with every atom in her body. The detective had taken a deep, shaky breath before reaching for the light switch. For a second she was completely sure her heart stopped. Hazel eyes getting heavier and watery as they stared at the body in front of her. She could not breathe let alone move. There, with a pistol in his right hand, a piece of paper in his left and a hole in his head. There face down in the pillow on the side she used to sleep on lied the love of her life. The only person, who had really ever understood her. She had killed him.
Katherine reached for a folded, worn out piece of paper in her jean pocket, her body still shaking. With sobs still filling her apartment she unfolded the note and it read: "I will love her. Always." Suddenly the world slowed down. Every noise was muted. It felt like she was moving in slow motion. The sobbing and screaming stopped. Her feet led her to the safe in the corner of the living room, a hand deftly fishing out her Glock. Her face was empty her eyes held no emotion but she almost… smiled. The gun feeling feather light in her hand, the former detective walked into her bedroom grabbing the last picture she ever took of him and clutching it to her chest for dear life. She let the last silent tears run over her cheeks from swollen eyes. A last shaky breath filled her strong lungs as she laid down on his side of the bed, face into the pillow, still clutching the picture. Her last breath left her body as a soft sigh, she felt the cold steel against her head then everything went black.
She smiled brightly at him. Tears filling up her eyes as she ran towards the man holding his arms out with a sad smile. He was just as ruggedly handsome as she remembered. "I was hoping I wouldn't see you here for a while," he murmured softly into her hair and kissed the top of her head. "I couldn't live without you. If I had only found it out earlier…" He shushed her with a light kiss. "We're together now and that's all that matters." Silently he took her hand and together they wandered into the light where pain was nonexistent and they could be together forever and always.