Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight, but we do own Jon, Judy and Oscar.
THE BALLAD OF JUDY AND JON
a collaboration by dirtymaggiemae and crackbabby
* * *
On a warm spring afternoon outside of Forks, Washington, a gathering has occurred in the forest. Two pandas and a squirrel have come together in celebration of many things - life, happiness, and Judy's ability to cook chicken tetrazzini.
"Alas, my darling wife!" Jon exclaimed with exuberance. "This meal is the most delicious thing to ever grace my mouth. Your skill is astounding. Indubitably."
Oscar, a squirrel who was known for his scarves and berets agreed, shaking his head up and down in excitement.
"Ze food is magnifique, my lovely amie."
Jon looked over in shock, not knowing that the sly squirrel had started to enjoy his delicious creation. "Oscar, from where did you come?"
Oscar tipped his beret and shrugged, throwing the end of his scarf over his shoulder. He proceeded to sit down on a stump and nom on some of the chicken tetrazzini.
Jon studied the squirrel. "Oscar, we have been friends for many a year, I have been meaning to ask you this question. Why do you wear a beret and scarf, even in the summer?"
Oscar looked up at the giant black and white bear, with a piece of chicken dangling from his front teeth, "becauze, mon ami, I am a... comment dit-on... classy squirrelle. Zis only compliments my look."
Jon only nodded at Oscar as he reached behind him and smacked his paw against Judy's perky tush. Judy jumped in the air, not expecting to be hit.
The squirrel took notice right away, "Oooh la la! I zee the love iz in ze air!"
The burly panda ignored the comments and decided he wanted some dessert. "Woman, bring me some bamboo!" He was too occupied eating his chicken tetrazzini to actually get up and dish some for himself.
Suddenly from the brush, Judy heard the crackling of feet on sticks, but she didn't see anything. The trees blew with non-existent wind, and she pressed her black paw to her white chest.
"Why, Jon," she said curiously. "I do believe some kind of roadrunner has come to disrupt our meal."
He turned from his wife to his small, beret'd friend and said wisely, "Protect the chicken tetrazzini, Oscar. Where there are roadrunners, there are usually coyotes."
Jon had learned this lesson the hard way while watching a cartoon through the window of one of the human's houses. The outcome had been horrific. It seemed that particular coyote had an affinity for an explosive company called ACME.
Oscar scurried up Jon, perching atop the panda's fluffy head. His scarf tickled Jon's nose, and he sneezed.
"Jon," Oscar said, tilting up his beret so he could see more clearly, "zis is certainly no... how do you say... coyote. Zere are deux personnes in ze meadow up ahead."
Judy stood up on two legs, quite impressive for the chubby bear. Though she wasn't really a bear, of course. Something had gone horribly wrong in translation, and now those foolish Americans thought her associated with those dreadful grizzlies.
"Good fellow, you are correct!" she exclaimed. "It's two young humans, both rather beautiful, of course. Though am I seeing things, or does the man seem to shimmer a bit in the sunlight."
"Quite right, my darling, quite right. He must work in some kind of craft store, for he is absolutely covered in glitter. His young girlfriend should have known better than to let him go out like this."
Judy watched curiously as the two sat down softly in the high grass. The boy ran his finger down the girl's lobster colored cheeks, the sun bouncing off him in strange beams.
"You're so beautiful, Bella. Your heart beats for us both and gives me focus," he whispered, but not so quietly that Judy couldn't here him. His lips seemed to match the color of the girl's cheek, and Judy wondered if perhaps he could give her make-up tips. Her lips were never that plump and lovely.
"Oh stop, Edward. I could never be as beautiful as you, my sweet Adonis. You dazzle me so completely that I am chagrined to be in your presence," the girl sighed back, turning like a baby panda into his palm.
"Jon, Oscar, come hither! There is strangeness afoot," she hissed. Her two companions crept to her side, peeking up from behind a bush so they could better observe the two lovebirds.
"Edward, why won't you make love to me if you claim to love me as you do?" Bella asked sadly.
"Perhapz ze boy haz love for ze other team, if you catch my drift," Oscar whispered to Jon. Jon snickered. What wicked fun it was having Oscar around.
"You know why, my favorite after dinner snack," Edward exclaimed, even his words full of sparkle. "I could never put you in such danger. If I were consumed with passion, I might hurt you. And even if we are successful, then I will ruin all the fun my siblings have mocking my precious flower. How could I do that to any of you?"
"But Edward," she said, unzipping her dowdy sweatshirt to reveal a slightly less dowdy tank-top. "We are in fated love, and I physically ache every minute I am not acquainted with your magic stick."
"Don't tempt me, Bella," he begged, grabbing her sweatshirt and holding it out to her again.
"He'z le gay, I promize," Oscar said confidently.
"Edward," she whimpered, shoving out her breasts like a soft corn porn star.
"Bella, we are not yet married!" Edward cried loudly, rising to his feet. "How could I violate my... I mean your virtue like that?"
Jon watched in shock, but admitted excitement as the girl reached for the hem of her tank-top, pulling it over her head to reveal... another tank-top. Well, at least this one was well fitted and much more appropriate for a human her age.
"Edward," she whimpered seductively. "Take me to pleasure town."
"Oh, we're going," he finally relented, pushing the eager girl down into the brush and pressing his lips rather unchastely against hers.
Judy gasped, smacking Jon on the shoulder. "Jon, do you hear that! They might copulate right here, IN OUR MEADOW!"
Jon absently rubbed his shoulder. "Woman, that caused me great pain. It is quite unpandalike to hit. Do not engage in that type of activity. Why is it such a negative thing? These creatures are interesting, we might learn something."
"I believe that ze mating ritualles of ze odder species can be quite ze show." Oscar injected as he pranced about on Jon's head.
All of a sudden, a great wind swept through the meadow, knocking Oscar's beret off from atop his head. "Zut! My beret! Iz gone!" Oscar climbed down from Jon, he tightened the knot on his scarf before taking off through the trees, after his beret.
Jon's great laugh thundered as he realized that the glittery man had been the one to release the breath, causing the beret to fly away.
Edward and Bella rolled around in the grass until their shirts were tossed to the side and their pale skin was splotchy with grass stains. Their hips had taken to an uneven rocking, like a rocking chair that wasn't quite assembled correctly.
Jon wondered why they didn't arrange themselves the proper way, the female face down and presenting herself while the man approached from behind, but he shrugged and passed it off as human behavior. They were a rather strange species anyway.
* * *
Meanwhile, Oscar hunted for his beret. Every time he believed that he had caught up with it, the wind would send it flipping futher. "Mes bras are not of ze proper length to reach my beret! Zey are quite t-rex like!"
After a couple of tries, Oscar decided to try the jumping method. When he got close, he would jump at the beret. This method ended up rewarding him, and he snatched up his beret. He took it and placed it on his head, pulling it tightly over his ears, so that it would not fly away again.
He strutted back to Jon and Judy with a new found fervor.
"Bonjour, I am back! Pleaze tell me I did not mizz ze show!"
Jon rolled his eyes and continued watching the two creatures in the meadow.
* * *
Soon the two had embraced their animal nature, releasing themselves of clothes and stretching out in the grass. Judy watched in a mix of awe and horror as she realized that the man seemed to shimmer everywhere, even the hardened limb extending from betwixt his legs glittering in the April sun. She hoped the female realized what was about to be set inside her. Glitter would be rather itchy to such sensitive skin.
Judy exclaimed, "Why, Jon, I don't believe this is canon. Isn't the boy supposed to push the girl away so that the author can drag out the sexual tension for another book?"
"Breaking Dawn was a massacre anyway, dear," Jon said tiredly. "Don't worry about such foolish things."
Bella and Edward wiggled around a little longer in the grass until they both made some strange gasping noise, stalled for a moment, and then started flopping together like fish out of water. It was pretty strange, but oddly erotic, Jon thought, running his paw over his bearded chin, nom nom nomming on a stick of bamboo.
Judy watched in awe at the creatures in the meadow, "Oscar, in French, how would you say what these two are doing?" Judy was always too curious for her own good. She wanted to learn more about the world, but Jon stopped her. He rathered she stayed close to him, than stray about with the lower class pandas.
"Vut makez you think zat I know French?" Oscar asked.
If Jon had had eyebrows, they would have been raised. "Well, I cannot speak for my wife, but I suppose I believed that you were French because of your beret and accent," responded Jon.
"Zat is very offensif! Juste becauze I am a squirrelle avec ztyle!"
"Will you both hush up and let me watch this in peace??" Judy asked, earning a thwack on the behind from Jon and his stick of bamboo.
Edward and Bella squeaked and moaned and jerked and thrusted and swiveled and gasped, and the two pandas and one squirrel watched in rapt excitement. Human mating was quite different than the act with which they were familiar. Only a few minutes later, both of them shook like they were being electrocuted until the male rolled off her in a huff, and the two breathed heavily in the grass.
"Iz dat it, zen?" Oscar asked.
"I do believe so," Judy pondered. "How strangely these humans act. They are so fascinating! I'd love to learn more about them, wouldn't you, Jon?"
"Shut up, dear," Jon whispered, strangely riled up by the culmination of desires he had just witnessed. He would have to think of an excuse to get Oscar away so he and Judy could make some sparkle magic of their own.
The two humans redressed, always touching hands or sides or foreheads, and left the meadow as quickly as they came. The boy was remarkably fast. Apparently sexual satisfaction worked better than a quick shot of red bull to boost human ability.
Oscar looked over the horizon as the sun began to set, "Oooh, I do believed zat I zee a nut!" He took off running towards the delicious treat that he believed he saw.
Jackpot, Jon thought wickedly.
Jon threw Judy over his shoulder, caressing her volutipious behind, as he went to indulge in not only her, but some more chicken tetrazzini.
* * *
EPILOGUE
Bella didn't get pregnant.
Vampire sperm is not alive. It's basic biology.
However, five months later, Jon and Judy welcomed a squirming baby panda into the world.
They named it Jondy.
ZE END.