AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: Willow's hurting, Buffy's selfish. Your basic S4 eppy
SPOILER: Wild At Heart, slightly The Initiative
DISTRIBUTION: Sandee, of course - My site - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com- Crystal and Butterfly if they want it - A Soul's Redemption - Anyone else - sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-PG
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, Joss Whedon does. If he ever decides to give them to me, that would be nice. =) Jewel owns the beautiful song and it will be used in each of these five (I think five) fics about Willow's pain. This is number one.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic is slightly autobiographical, so I'd really appreciate some feedback on it. I know things seem drastically different in the harsh light of day (I'm not trying to make and eppy title joke here, it's completely true), but at the time I was so completely crushed over my situation and the feelings that I had caused it that I can sort of understand what Willow might be feeling.
AUTHOR'S NOTES 2: Everything I went through was nothing six weeks of playing this song day and night couldn't cure.
//You took your coat off
And stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that
And I watched from my window
Always felt I was outside
Looking in on you
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair you were
Fashionably sensitive but too cruel to care
You stood in my doorway
With nothin' to say
Besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice
In case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you
This is me down on my knees
These foolish games
Are tearing me apart
And your thoughtless words
Are
Breaking my heart
Breaking my heart
You're always brilliant in the morning
And smoking your cigarettes
And talking over coffee
Your philosophies on art
Baroque moved you
You loved Motzart
And you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
Well excuse me
Guess I've mistaken you for someone else
Somebody who gave a damn
Somebody more like myself
These foolish games
Are tearing me apart
And your thoughtless words
Are
Breaking my heart
Breaking my heart
You took your coat off
And stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that\\
"Oh, Willow." Buffy said as she came in after class. "Are you playing that song *again*?"
"Only for an hour this time." she shrugged.
"Will," Buffy sat on the bed beside her. "You've got to--"
"Tell me to get over it and I'll take your Claddagh ring out from under your bed." Willow threatened.
"You've gotta get a better copy of this song," Buffy covered. "You're wearing out the tape."
Willow grinned. "I ordered this CD off the Internet, it'll be here tomorrow. Buffy?"
"Hmm?"
"How do you make yourself breathe?" her voice was shaking. "I mean, *how*?"
Buffy sat on her own bed now and sighed. "I just do."
"Thanks for the supportive answer," Willow said dryly. "I'll have to apply that to my own life."
"Look, things were different for me and Angel than they are for you and Oz."
"How?" Willow demanded. "Emotions are emotions. Love is love. You can't try to make them different Buffy, because they're not."
"I don't know, Will. I--"
"Don't say it's because Angel's a vampire, 'cause Oz is a werewolf. And don't say it's because you guys made love and it was your first time, 'cause us too. Heartache is heartache, Buff. I know your method of survival is to toughen up, pretend you're not hurting and kill the bad guys, but that can't work for me. You've been way off your game lately, so what are you doing?"
Buffy swung her legs around and lay down, clenching her sweater as you would a pillow. "Oh, Willow. I'm not surviving. Not really."
"But--"
"Okay, so I'm getting out of bed and you're not, but besides that. I'm dying inside, Willow."
"I know," she whispered.
"I can't make it stop."
Willow went over and laid down beside her best friend and they sobbed for a long time. Buffy got up after awhile and began fixing her hair.
"Where are you goin'?" Willow asked.
"I'm meeting Riley at the library. He's gonna help me try and figure out what Walsh was talking about in class the other day, 'cause I am sooo lost. Wanna come?"
"No," Willow admitted, sitting up and pushing her hair out of her eyes. "I wanna go away to a place where nothing hurts."
"I don't think that place exists." Buffy decided. She freshened her lip gloss and was out the door.
Willow returned to her own bed and turned the song back on. Jewel's voice wouldn't make it hurt any less, but it did make her remember that she wasn't all alone in this kind of pain.