Ren Krawler knew he was in deep trouble when he finally sort his feelings out. He had recently been feeling weird in regards to his partner: Marucho Marukura. Those things were completely unknown to him and was overly confused until that day when realization struck him like thunder. He was in love with the blond.
Ren had recently found himself craving for Marucho's presence a lot more often than he knew was appropriate. Even Linehalt made a comment about how unhealthy that was and how it would endanger their mission. Ren also noticed that strange feeling in his gut whenever he was near Marucho and he suddenly felt nervous; but Ren was a trained liar, so he excelled at pretending nothing was wrong, that everything was okay. Marucho and the other brawlers fell for the lie, his teammates also fell for it, everyone fell for it- but not Linehalt. Linehalt was able to see through Ren's mask, but Linehalt never made any mention of it. He understood, he knew that whatever this was, it was something Ren had to sort out first before he talked about it... and that moment finally came.
It was during a break in one of those meetings both Ren and Marucho had. Marucho left to do something quick and left Ren behind. Ren looked at Marucho's project with melancholy in his eyes for a moment before he slammed the desk and lowered his face. "I can't do this anymore, Linehalt!" he lamented. "Do what? The mission?" Linehalt replied, surprisingly calm. Ren looked up at his bakugan and nodded.
"I simply can't... I can't lie to Marucho this way. What if he finds out the truth? I just... I just don't want to face his disappointment and probably his hate."
"I doubt Marucho will hate you, besides... we can't fail, Ren. No matter the friendship or anything else. This is what we signed up for!"
"No, Linehalt! It's not friendship what is making me doubt... it's... it's something deeper than that," Ren looked down in complete embarrassment. Goodness, admitting his feelings openly was worse than he thought. Linehalt was silent for a few seconds before he finally said, "Is that what has been troubling you lately, Ren?" Ren nodded, not daring to look up.
"Look Ren," the bakugan landed to be in his partner's field of vision. "You can't abandon the mission now. This is the only way we've been able to be free from that abyss, to see the sun, remember? If we fail, we'll go back there... and I think that is way worse than Marucho finding the truth." Ren hated to admit it at the moment, but he knew his partner was right. Going back to the abyss meant never seeing Marucho ever again- and, in the deepest part of himself, he dreaded that more than Marucho's disappointment at him.
So, he kept pretending, he kept putting a mask, not only for the mission's sake... but of his relationship with Marucho's too. Ren kept hiding his feelings from everyone, including Marucho, but Linehalt. Linehalt was the only one that was allowed to see that shine in Ren's eyes when he was looking at Marucho and nobody paid attention to him; the only one that heard Ren sigh whenever he was alone and thinking about Marucho; the only one that was allowed to see Ren's dreamy eyes whenever he was alone and daydreaming, dreamy eyes that were suddenly replaced with a look of pain and desperation whenever he brought his thoughts back to reality. Nobody but Linehalt would ever see that side of Ren, that side that only Marucho was able to wake. Unfortunately, the magician would never see his own trick.
It was an agreement Ren made with Linehalt and himself. Not tell or show Marucho a thing. None of them knew how he would react and they both knew that Marucho's pain would be worse if he ever found out about the mission while also knowing about Ren's feelings towards him. It would be better that way- no awkwardness between Ren and Marucho and no one but Ren would suffer. However, there were moments in which Ren wondered whether he would be able to stand the pain for a long time.
He had forced himself to distance a bit from human art- especially the art that talked about love. He now understood those songs, those stories, those pictures, those poems, he understood them all... and it pained him. They expressed the things he would love to say to Marucho, to do with him, to feel with him. It was too painful for Ren. It also made it more difficult for him to contain what he felt- so difficult he ended up making some art himself. He showed his least obvious pieces to Marucho, hoping against hope that he would suddenly know and would somehow communicate that he felt the same way towards the Gundalian- but that never happened, it probably was never bound to anyway.
However, the worst pain of them all came when Ren was forced to show his true colors- when their mission was completely blown up. He already knew something was bound to go wrong when the Neathian princess appeared, but he never expected that to be soon- so soon. His heart broke, completely, especially when he saw Marucho's blue eyes. They had pain and disappointment in them- the types of pain and disappointment that truly broke someone. Ren hated himself for that, he wished with all his might everything was different- but nothing could be changed. He kept pretending, putting on a mask to hide his true self- his true self that was madly in love with Marucho, the boy that admired and worked with Ren, the boy that had at least some faith in him even if his friends didn't, the boy with a natural charm that captured the Gundalian's heart and put it against his duty and loyalty to the Emperor- the only one that caused such a strong feeling in Ren.
Ren took that side of himself and locked it away in a corner of his mind, not showing it to anyone but Linehalt. He kept his mask on when he was with everybody else... including Marucho. Every chance to battle Marucho was overly exciting to Ren, but painful at the same time. He loved to see Marucho but it hurt him to know that they were enemies and nothing could be done about that if he wanted to still see those eyes that were as blue as the Earth's sky during daytime and that cute face that would always make Ren's heart melt like ice on a hot day.
Ren reached a point where he felt almost dead inside. His finding out the truth behind the Twelve Orders and the inability to be honest even to himself were draining him. He barely had energy to get up and live another day as a pretender, as a fake. The idea that Marucho now hated him was another dagger that stabbed his already bleeding heart.
The only things left to him that made him feel alive were his art and his daydreams. In his art (his poetry, his weird doodles, his writings), he let that side of him that only wanted to hug Marucho, cuddle with him, kiss him, and never let go of him roam free. He kept all of this secret, only Linehalt knew of this all. Jesse once found one of his poems (fortunately, one of the least obvious ones); that day Ren felt like dying but, fortunately, Jesse promised not to say a thing about it... and he kept his word, even when he...
Ren shook his head, trying not to think about that.
"Ren," Linehalt said.
"Yes?"
"Look, I haven't said anything yet because I didn't know how... but... I think that this is being more harmful to you than it should... and... I think you should let go."
Ren was silent for a few seconds before replying in the calmest way possible, "I can't, Linehalt." He knew that his bakugan was right: he should let go of his feelings for Marucho. However... he simply couldn't. He could express those feelings in paper all he wanted, but they didn't disappear, not even a bit. If anything, they grew stronger... and he longed for Marucho even more. Everything was getting worse, and him having to hide them didn't help a bit. For the first time in his life, Ren wished he could be back to the abyss he came from- the abyss where it was only him and Linehalt, the place where he could be himself without restraint.
"Ren, all of this seems like obsession to me... and eventually someone will notice and find out!"
"I know, Linehalt, I know. I know you're right but... I can't stop loving him the way I do. Believe me when I tell you that I wish I could, but I can't! I'm cursed, Linehalt, cursed for eternity with these feelings that refuse to disappear!" Would it be easier to make them disappear if he just confessed to Marucho? Maybe, maybe not, for now Ren didn't feel like finding out.
The war between Gundalia and Neathia kept on just like Ren's war with himself. Both wars drained him and made him wish he was still back in his abyss. Now Ren knew what people meant when comparing love and war: none of them were fair and both drained someone of energy. Ren felt his war was a hopeless one and he wondered what made him stay alive every single day. He closed his eyes for a moment and one of his wildest fantasies suddenly came to his mind.
It is dusk, the sun is setting on the distance. Ren is walking across a strange field until he stops, facing Marucho, who is some feet away from him. Marucho seems to be... annoyed maybe? Ren can't exactly tell. "So... are you gonna talk or what?" Marucho says quite boldly. Ren doesn't blame him, in fact he believes the blond has all the reason to. "Y-Yes, um... Marucho," Ren clears his throat, feeling somewhat stupid. "First of all, I want to apologize... for betraying you and your friends, Marucho is silent for some seconds, his face still unreadable. Suddenly, a smile (a sincere smile!) makes its way on Marucho's cute face. "That's okay, Ren. I forgive you, for everything. You are my best friend, aren't you?" Ren smiles himself, teary-eyed and moved by Marucho's words. However, there is another thing he should do. "There's something else I need to tell you, Marucho." Marucho's smile falls and turns into an intrigued expression. Ren takes a deep breath, preparing himself to confess those feelings he has kept hidden all this time. "I've been wanting to tell you for a long time now, and the thing is... I-I'm not sure but..." Ren feels himself blushing. "T-That's fine, Ren, don't worry," Marucho says, trying to calm his Gundalian friend. Ren shakes his head, "No, Marucho I need to tell you! I-I..." he stops, takes another deep breath and looks directly to Marucho's blue eyes. "Marucho Marukura," he starts. "I, Ren Krawler, am madly and deeply in love with you!" Marucho's eyes start to fill with tears, tears of emotion, an emotion that starts to fill Ren's eyes with tears too. "Ren!" Marucho exclaims as he runs towards the Gundalian, arms wide open. Ren does the same. They end up hugging each other so tightly Ren is more than willing to never let Marucho go ever again. "You don't know how much I love you too!" Marucho sobs on Ren's chest. Ren strokes Marucho's blond hair as he smiles. He takes Marucho's cute face and kisses him. No sunset that Ren remembers feels prettier or more beautiful than this one.
Ren opened his eyes and suddenly he knew what kept him going through his personal war. Faith. Among all of his fantasies, that one felt real, more real than any other Ren could think of; and Ren knew he could make it real. He just needed some guts to do so.
Ren was sure, and had faith in, that some day, he would forget about everything. One day, he would throw everything out the window and confess his feelings to Marucho. One day, he would stop being afraid of the Emperor, he wouldn't care at all about being frowned upon by the rest of society because his love was considered inappropriate and wrong, and he would just tell Marucho and love Marucho the way the blond deserved it. Ren was sure that day would eventually come. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, nor the next day... but there will definitely be a day that he would consider the day. The day would come, Ren was sure of that.
But what if Marucho didn't return Ren's feelings? What if his fantasies never come true?
Ren wouldn't mind that because Marucho's happiness was more important than his own desires. Ren would be okay with whatever Marucho decided as long as he would still be able to see those eyes that reminded him of a summer day on Earth at noon and that cute smile that shone as brightly as the sun Ren had always desired to see.