Authors note; hey guys. so this is my newest story! i know i've still got another story unfinished, but this idea has been spinning in my head for ages to a point where i just couldn't ignore it anymore. so here it is; a dark, angsty, story. warning: character death. hope you'll like it and don't forget to review.
Burn Your Life Down.
.inconsolable.
Brooke hadn't slept for three days. The only thing she could do was stare at the ceiling above her, eyes wide open even though she couldn't see a single thing because of the dark that was surrounding her.
Tonight was the fourth night, and her eyes were now able to make out the dirt spots on the ceiling, finally getting used to the darkness after hours of just laying there doing nothing.
She didn't know what was worse, pretending to be strong during the day or laying awake crying at night. At least now she was able to get it all out of her system. At least now she didn't need to put on a brave face and a tight, fake smile.
If someone told her a week ago that the dark didn't come soon enough for her, she would have laughed. Now, there was nothing more truly than that.
Her thoughts drifted to a certain boy, thinking about how unfair this all was to him. The cute smile he used on her when he got his way or glancing at her when his free throw went in, nothing but net. He wasn't able to do all of that anymore, because now, she was gone.
In the short four years of his life he had the best time and the best mom, who with all her kindness and love and affection took care of him with her whole heart. Brooke was sure that he still, after four days of not speaking, didn't really understand nor realized that his mommy wouldn't come back from work. Not ever.
Brooke didn't even want to think about in what kind of state her husband must be in now. He had been a complete mess when Haley had gone on tour back in high school. He must be more than a train wreck now. In fact, she wouldn't be surprised to find him laying somewhere dead because of an overdose or maybe with a gun still in his hand. He had to be miserable, heartbroken. It had to kill him.
She shook her head. He wouldn't do that. He wasn't the kind of person who would leave his son alone with two dead parents at the age of four. Swallowing back the lump in her throat, Brooke did the best she could to erase that word from spinning in her head.
Dead.
Haley James-Scott was dead.
And there was nothing she could do to bring her back.
"Hales, you have to come, you promised! Peyton and Lindsay are already here giving each other these looks that could kill and I'm sitting in between them trying to keep them tamed. I need you here and do that thing that you always do and calm them down!"
"Brooke hun, I need you to take a deep breath first ok? You are rambling." She laughed. "And as much as I would to see them fighting for the thousandth time, I'm not sure I can make it. Traffic is a bitch. Basically, I'm in the same spot for twenty minutes. If you're lucky I will arrive at your place in an hour."
"You're lucky I love you tutor-mom." Brooke muttered, making her sound more annoyed than she actually was. "Can't you just hurry up a little?"
"As soon as I can get out of the traffic jam I promise I would cross the speed limit."
"Don't use your sarcasm on me missy, you know that the policemen can't resist your charm. If they make you pull over just flash that bright smile of yours and if that doesn't work then flash them for all I care, as long as you get here as soon as possible!"
"Oh Nathan is going to love that one."
"Not as much as the police officers will."
Haley let out a snort. "You're charming Brooke, really. Now we both know the only person who flashes police officers would be you."
"You just did not say that!"
"But I did. You know it's the truth."
"Whatever. It was one time."
The mom let out a laugh as she heard her friend's grumble. "Hey listen, I'm going to hang up now because it looks like we're moving again."
"Good. And remember, hurry up."
"Yeah yeah, see you soon."
But she wouldn't.
God, she wished she hadn't pushed Haley so much to hurry up. It wasn't her fault really. The one time that she had driven trough a red light didn't do her harm either. Why did Haley have to be hit by a car? Why did that one red light had to be the end of her? It was just all too familiar for her.
A single tear ran down her cheek, forming a large drop on her chin before slowly falling down. The thought of Peyton blaming her was almost too much to handle. When her mother had died the exact same way all those years ago, Brooke hadn't left the blonde's side for weeks. Every day she would pick Peyton up for school, surprising her with different little presents just trying to help her trough the day.
It wasn't as if Brooke had forced Haley to ignore the red light, or that she had forced her into driving way over the speeding limit.
"Can't you just hurry up a little?"
But she had.
Guilt was washing all over her again, forming a tight knot in the pit of her stomach. She wasn't really the blame for Haley's death, was she? There was no way that she could have predicted this to happen. She didn't wish for this.
Looking over at her right side, she let out a sigh. 5:32. Almost time to get up and face reality. She couldn't believe she hadn't shut her eyes once in four nights. The truth was, she was beyond exhausted. The ache in her heart was the only thing that was stopping her from doing so. Because if she did, if she did shut her eyes and let sleep wash over her, it would be like she felt no remorse. No pain. No guilt. No nothing. As if there wasn't a single thing that stopped her from a long, comfortable sleep.
The real truth was, the day that Brooke Davis was going to close her eyes just once would be the day when she wouldn't feel any guilt, or pain, or heartache or sadness.
She was sure she wouldn't get a good night sleep for years.
--
.apprehensive.
The thought that she was standing in front of her mirror for almost two hours made her sick to the stomach. When she watched herself, she saw a beautiful women who looked almost like pure perfection. Her shiny hair was hanging loosely on her shoulders, all flourish and wavy. Her make-up was outstanding, making her eyes smoking and her lips kissable.
And then there was the dress.
God, that black dress made her look like she was about to step on a catwalk and make every man in the room go crazy.
She wished she could step on that catwalk and forget everyone and anyone around her, only having to focus on her walk that had to be in the right rhythm. The saddest thing was though, she wasn't a model, and nobody needed her to act like one.
Because today, she didn't need to act at all. Today was the day that she could let it all go, let her emotions run free just like everybody did when they were at a funeral.
Too bad it wasn't that easy.
"I can do this." She whispered. "I am beautiful and brave just like Lucas wrote in his first novel. I can get through this. I can and I will."
The more words she spoke out loud the worse they sounded. The more they sounded like lies.
One hand covered her mouth, trying to block the sob that was threatening to spill out. She wasn't going to break down. Not today. Not now. She had to be strong, not only for Nathan or Jamie or Peyton or Lucas or anybody else. She had to be strong for herself mostly, because if she broke down now, she didn't know if she would ever be able to stop.
--
.devastated.
Her eyes were open and looking at the coffin in front of her but she wasn't really looking. She had zoned out as soon as she arrived, avoiding the looks people were giving her. Were they really blaming her?
Then she saw a little boy in a black suit, his arms stiff and hands clasped tight just staring at the space in front of him just like she'd done minutes ago. For the first time she really did open her eyes and walked over towards him. Slowly placing a hand on his shoulder, she saw him looking up at her.
It was the saddest look she had ever seen.
"I want her back Brooke. Please make her come back!" His eyes were begging and as the tears streamed down his face, Brooke set her jaw. Every vibe in her body was screaming to break down with him, but she didn't.
Instead she stuttered, "I-I can't."
His bottom lip trembled. "But she's my mommy! I didn't mean it when I said I liked Carrie more than her. I was being stupid and I really didn't mean it!"
"I know you don't like Carrie more than her, hunnie. And I think your mommy knows that too."
As Brooke bend over so that she could look Jamie straight in the eye, she heard him whisper, "I miss her." And before she knew it, his petite arms flew around her neck as he cried. "I miss her so much!"
"I do too, kiddo. But she will always be in our heart and memories, ok?" She ran a hand over his hair. "She was so proud of you."
"Let go of him."
They both turned around to see an angry Nathan looking at her as if she was some kind of murderer. He looked even worse than she'd imagined. His hair didn't have any wax or gel in it. He had put on a suit for the funeral but the whole outfit was just wrong put together. She guessed he didn't spend so much time picking it out as she had. Not that she blamed him.
It were his eyes though that gave away in how much pain he was in. He wasn't just hurt, he was devastated. Heartbroken.
"Nathan I-"
"I said, let go of him."
Jamie let his arms fall off of Brooke's shoulders as Brooke stood up.
"Nathan, please don't do this. Not here. Not in front of Jamie."
"God damn it, don't tell me what to do Brooke! You have no idea how much pain you've caused. You're not welcome here."
She stared in his eyes, searching for some kind of explanation. "You really think I'm the one to blame for Haley's death, do you?"
He marched over to her with such aggression in his step and eyes that it made her take a step back in fear. "Don't you dare say her name."
His face was only inches away from her face and he had barked it in her face which made her cringe. "It's not my fault Nathan. You and I both know that." Her voice came out in nothing more than a whisper.
"You see, that's where I think you're wrong. You didn't drive her car nor did you tell her to drive trough a red light but you did pushed and forced her to hurry up. She was driving fifty miles an hour in a thirty mile zone! And all of that because you talked only just one mile a minute while making her feel bad for being late."
"I miss her too, you know. I didn't wish for this!"
They were making a scene but she didn't care. In fact, she could care less about what the people thought of her at this moment. They could hate her, despise her, whatever. As long as she could convince Nathan that it was not her fault. She couldn't live with the thought of that.
"You make me sick." He spat. "I want you to leave."
That's when Lucas stepped in. "Nathan, come on don't do this. You can't put this all on Brooke. You know that's not fair."
As Nathan yanked Lucas' hand away he yelled, "You want to talk about what's unfair? Haley's death is what's unfair! My wife is fucking dead lying in a fucking coffin, that's what is unfair." He let out a sob.
"Nathan-"
"No Lucas! Don't you use your heroic self on me. It's not working, it's not bringing her back." His hands were now covering his face as he took a deep breath. "I can't, I can't do this right now."
"There is never a right time to do this." Brooke whispered.
As soon as Nathan heard what Brooke had said he walked up to her again. "I want you gone."
"Please don't do this Nathan." She repeated.
"Fuck Brooke! I mean it, get the hell out of here!"
She knew that there was no point arguing with him in the state he was in now. So she swallowed, took a deep breath and nodded.
When she walked away and turned around once more she saw Jamie staring at her with a painful expression on his face. He waved at her one time before getting dragged away by the arm by his daddy.
It was at that point, that she let her tears fall.
To Be Continued.