I don't own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters.
For translations see the end of the fic.
With big love to my Beta! Thanks girl, you're wonderful.
Apologies for the absence of paragraphs, the website for of... screwed the up XD
Not Knowing
The sky was as dark as the depths of the deepest lake in the Black Land, yet stars sparkled in that same dark sky and Isil stood proud and pale shining a dimmed light over all that was Imladris.
Peaceful without a seeming care in the world elves slept in their beds, only some remaining awake at the late hour of the night. Most were weary after a long day of preparing for the party the morn would bring. For tomorrow was the Begetting Day of the Lord his twins, Elladan and Elrohir.
And even though he had busied himself the entire day with planning the festivities of the celebration that would take place in the morning, going on until well in the evening, Elrond's Chief Counsellor could not find any rest on this quiet and beautiful night.
It was not often that the silent and aloof elf was troubled by something on such a high level it would even cause insomnia.
But here he stood, in the dead of night in the empty and desolated kitchen of the Last Homely House, preparing his own little present for his young students.
Several months ago Erestor had come across a cook-book in the library. Not one for cooking, baking or anything of that sort he had paid no further attention to the seemingly useless book.
Yet the twins had thought differently as they had innocently informed if it was perhaps possible they could have a dish called 'cupcake' for dinner after they had discovered the book.
That had been merely two months ago and Elrond had refused them the pleasure of tasting the food they desired to eat. In his opinion, enough food was prepared for the entire household everyday and even his sons should be satisfied with what the cook decided to prepare.
The two young Peredhil were left unsatisfied with that answer though and had not stopped pestering both servants, friends and family with pleads for the desired cupcake.
It had not been Erestor's intention to actually perform the art of baking something, most certainly not considering the wails that had been the way towards it. Yet he had a soft-spot regarding his Lord and his twin sons and a sleepless night could have brought forward stranger things than baking. That and only that served as a relief that the Counsellor had not fallen victim to temporary insanity.
Cupcakes, Erestor found, were a confectionery that was actually a simplified miniature of a normal tart. Relatively easy to make yet he had not tried himself to make the topping of the small cake.
With an almost child-like glee Erestor shoved the pastry mould filled with a slightly yellowish batter into the pre-heated oven.
In a few minutes he would start his search for sugar, which he would need for the icing of the little cakes, and grind it into even smaller pieces until it was almost the texture of dust. But for now he allowed himself a few minutes of wandering thoughts as he watched a small fire dance in the fireplace.
During daytime when Anar brightened the world and warmed the earth he would not allow his thoughts to stray. For Erestor knew what ailed his troubled mind. Or perhaps it was better to say he understood who hurt his fragile heart, be it unintentional.
He had always been a simple soul. He enjoyed the simple things in life, reading books in peace while enjoying either a good cup of tea or a nice glass of wine. Perhaps because he was a solitary elf, others regarded him as uncaring or other such nonsense.
He didn't care a whole lot of what others thought of him in general. The ones close to him understood him and loved him all the same. The love one feels towards friends that is.
Because the person he had found himself falling for, the person who his soul called out to, was his friend.
In Erestor's opinion, love meant something entirely different depending on the person you asked its meaning of. Love can either be a blessing, an enigma, a curse when not returned and a sorrow when kept silent.
Everyone loved at some stage in their life and for that reason it could even befall those silent and aloof. The ones that were thought cold in their feelings and strict and stern in behaviour. Yes, love could even befall Erestor, Chief Counsellor of Elrond.
Yet Erestor did not feel blessed for having found these feelings of love, hidden well in the depths of his heart. For his love was one that could never be returned.
A little dejected and perhaps even disappointed in himself for getting down over something he could do nothing about, Erestor let a sigh pass his rose-colored lips.
He berated himself for allowing such thoughts to take control of his previously good mood. He had long ago accepted that his love would not be returned and thought he had been at peace with the idea. Yet lately he was troubled with insomnia and felt his heart ache painfully in his chest whenever the Ellon that held his heart was near.
He gently bit his lip and closed his eyes for a just a moment. He then let out another sigh and started busying himself around the enormous kitchen, starting his search for the sugar needed for the so-called icing of the cupcakes.
It was truly unbelievable he felt like so ridiculously childish. The only thing he had done so far was bake two dozen little cakes, crushed sugar and mixed it with butter only to spread it over the top of the little cupcakes.
The end result was not dissatisfying yet the total image looked simple yet tasteful with the smallest hints of sweetness displaying itself through the strawberries Erestor had decided to put on top of the icing.
Never would he have believed he could find such little pleasure from baking and decided in that instant that, if troubled with insomnia again, baking was perhaps a good activity to pass the droll and silent time of the night.
As he carefully placed the cupcakes onto a beautifully decorated platter he could only hope the taste was as delightful as the sight of the little cakes.
He was most disappointed as he strode towards his room, his robes fluttering behind him as he gracefully crossed a hall.
Of course the twins had meant no harm, as little ones mostly do things unintentionally since they lack both sympathy and empathy, but he could not help but feel slightly hurt.
Only when he was within the comfort and safeness of his own room did he allow his expression to fall. He let a long sigh pass his lips as he leaned against the now closed door.
He knew he was overreacting and he blamed that to the fact he had not slept a wink last night.
It were just silly cupcakes and his first time baking any kind of pastry. He could have expected the taste of whatever concoction he had created during the night would have been bad.
What he had not expected though was to be, quite rudely actually, informed by the twins he should perhaps not attempt the art of baking again. Not when said pastry would be gifted to them at least.
Of course they had not meant him pain. They had merely expressed their dislike upon eating something as distasteful as Erestor's cupcakes had apparently become. It was a thing most elflings did without thinking so he should think nothing of it.
Yet it was not only the elflings that had spoken of their dislike of the cupcakes. Glorfindel, who had once been Chief of the House of the Golden Flower and had bravely sacrificed himself for his people, had spoken his thoughts about the food out loud. Unintentionally and without thinking, for he paled almost the instance after the words had left his mouth, he had proclaimed to find the food he had just eaten tasted of a Balgrog's muck.
Erector, after blinking in both surprise and shock, made a face and muttered: "You would know, my Lord." And afterwards took fast sips of his wine. He felt the sudden desire and urge to finish as quickly as possible to have an excuse to flee the room.
And he had fled, for here he stood in his own room.
His heart ached with a familiar pain – rejection – and tears brimmed in eyes that held the colour of autumn itself. He felt pathetic and weak for allowing himself to get hurt like this again.
Oh, how he wished the Lord with the hair as gold as a sunbathed field of daffodils would return his feelings.
Yet he had realized a long time ago that Glorfindel saw him as nothing else then Lord Elrond's Chief Advisor. That, though, was not so bad. What hurt Erestor most was the fact that Glorfindel held no special love for Ellon. His preference lay with Elleth.
Erestor sighed. It was not often that the normally good-mannered Lord called out such rude language and he himself had also acted quite hurtful towards Glorfindel with his crude comment and abrupt leave. Perhaps he should apologize when he saw Glorfindel again. The cupcakes had tasted awful after all.
The icing had been perfect, to Erestor's surprise. But how could someone mess up a combination of merely sugar and butter?
The little cake itself was a different story. Not coming close to the impenetrability of mitrhil but very hard nonetheless. That was not the only thing wrong with the cake though.
Apparently, while preparing the batter, he had confused the sugar pot with the salt. The texture and look of both ingredients was quite the same so even he understood his confusion. Yet those two mistakes had made sure the food was of awful taste.
"Just forget about the cupcakes." He muttered angrily to himself, pushing himself away from the door.
It was a mere quarter of an hour later and Erestor had decided he would not leave his room again this night thus had changed into his sleeping wear since the chances of someone visiting his quarters were as small as that of a dwarf visiting Rivendell.
His nightclothes were nothing spectacular, he had led a rather celibate and perhaps even withdrawn life for long decades and with his current feelings towards the blond warrior he was certain that was not about to change.
He wore simple grey leggings, a matching grey tunic and a robe that did not fit the image. For the robe, which was the blue colour of the sea, was made of the finest and most beautiful silk, the edges and sash both decorated with the most breathtaking yet simple embroidery of silver stars. It had, obviously, been a gift from Elrond and Celebrian.
With a soft sigh passing his lips Erestor brushed a lock of his hair, which had been undone from the normal confines of braids, behind a delicately curved ear.
Silently he stood on his own private balcony, only accessible through his own room, and watched the stars that sparkled in the sky the same way little Arwen's eyes seemed to sparkle whenever running into the advisor.
Truly, even the Valar would have serious problems understanding why the little one was infatuated with Erestor. But the Valar were unlikely to take a closer look, did not see that whenever the child, with her rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes, entered a room brought a small smile to the brown-haired elf's lips.
Yes, Erestor admitted being very fond of the elfling and spoiled her rotten any chance he got.
In all honesty, he had felt almost relieved when Celebrian had given birth to the little girl. Because it meant that instead of thinking of Glorfindel he could help teach Arwen, take care of her when the Lord and Lady wished for private time and for some time forget about his unrequited love.
Erestor sighed softly yet sadly as he thought of his own predicament. It was sometimes said among elves that the race of Men was a pathetic one. But here he stood, an elf, leading the most pathetic life ever accounted for.
Fate did not allow the elf to wallow in his self-pity for a long time, however. A soft yet sure knock echoed through his room. An ominous sound this late at night especially as there was no expectation of a visitor coming by.
Slowly, almost in the slow-motion vision that passes your eye when a disastrous thing is about to happen, Erestor turned, watching the door with a frown marring his normally elegant yet stern features.
"Yes?" He called out, his voice sounding even and calm.
The door was opened without an answer and Erestor could do nothing but stand still in the beautifully carved entrance to his balcony, watching the door intently as the unknown person entered his room.
Long brown hair, equal to his own, gleaming in the candlelight the room was bathed in calmed Erestor's nerves down in an instant. Glorfindel's hair was blond, white even under the correct lighting.
The face that curiously peeked into his room was all too familiar to Erestor and he could not help a grateful yet sad smile from coming to his lips.
High cheekbones, thin lips a small nose, rosy cheeks (probably from a glass of wine too many) and startling brown eyes that could only belong to one of Erestor's most dearest friends.
"Elrond." He said when his friend stepped into the room, relief could be heard in his tone and was visible in his posture yet he could not help the moment of sadness that fell over his soul.
He did not know what had possessed him to think it could be Glorfindel standing at his door, but for a few moments he had. Just that little traitorous sparkle of hope that the Elda would actually come to his room and apologize.
Elrond gracefully moved himself across the room and was now pouring both Erestor and himself a glass of fine wine on the solid oak sideboard that stood near the balcony doors.
"To calm a disturbed soul." Elrond joked, his lips curling up in a smile, as he handed one of the goblet's to Erestor.
"Thank you, my friend." Erestor took small steps forwards and smiled a small smile as he gratefully took the goblet from his friend. "Would you accompany me on the balcony?"
There was no question in his mind that Elrond had come by to check up on him, see if he was doing fine after fleeing from dinner. Elrond, and presumably Celebrian, knew of his love for the golden haired Elda. Not only that, but over the years his friend had proven to be a trustworthy person to confide in and Elrond, in his turn after decennia of befriending his Counsellor, seemed to know whenever Erestor wished to unburden his soul, if only slightly.
And by Elbereth, Erestor needed to talk for he was afraid if he did not, all of Imladris would soon witness his aching heart.
"Aye, my old friend. I have wished to speak with you for a few days now." Elrond admitted.
Erestor nodded, the faintest hints of a smile visible on his face. In silence he guided his Lord and friend to the balcony and for a few short moments they stood side-by-side, watching the dark sky.
"My twins send many apologies and Arwen wants you to know she thought the cupcakes tasted divine." Amusement was clear in Elrond's voice and his lips quirked into a small yet very visible grin.
Erestor sighed, he simply could not help it. This entire evening had drained him and mentally he was a royal mess. He had of course suspected Elrond wished to address the events that had occurred not even an hour ago and he had been grateful for he needed to tell someone of his feelings. Yet when it came to the point he felt reticent to speak his mind. Perhaps it was best to let his friend lead the conversation, as was always the case when the two spoke of Erestor's feelings.
"I am right to assume you will give your daughter a potion in order to avert a day or two in bed due to a stomach-ache?" Erestor asked good-natured, both in an attempt to brighten and stall the current situation.
"Ah, yet only in precaution."
"You needn't explain yourself, Elrond. If your daughter is even the tiniest bit like your wife..." Erestor trailed off, not quite sure if he should continue. Yet as he met Elrond's gaze, that was filled with amusement, he leaned his head to the side and with a smirk continued: "I am sure chambermaids are still frightened to enter your rooms and the infirmary after witnessing the Lady of Imladris during pregnancy."
"Aye, 'twas a dreadful time yet well worth it." Elrond smiled fondly at the thought of both his children and his wife. He was a blessed elf indeed.
Yet the gentle expression soon turned into one of worry as the elven Lord regarded his friend. "I did not visit you this evening to enjoy idle chatter, though."
Erestor sighed, a heavy feeling settling over his entire being knowing he could not escape any longer. "I realized dread was at my door, it mattered not who knocked. I have felt your worried gaze for weeks."
"Did you expect someone else this evening?" Elrond asked, a frown marring his beautiful features.
"I am dressed in nightclothes, I did not expect anyone. Yet hope is a futile thing and a master at playing painful games." Erestor sipped his wine and with his lips in a tight line stared straight ahead.
"I am sure he did not mean to say what he did during dinner." Elrond spoke in a soft voice, attempting to brighten the dark mood his friend seemed to be in all of a sudden.
Erestor let a bitter laugh escape him. "Perhaps he did not mean to say it out loud, but those words were no lies."
"Erestor, I have known you the greatest part of my life and throughout time you have helped, saved and consulted me countless times. You are strong, have a quick mind and a sharp tongue. Yet above all you do not lose composure. What, my friend, has befallen to have you fall apart?" Elrond laid a comforting hand on the narrow shoulder of his friend, trying to catch Erestor's eye but failing to do so as the counsellor turned his head away.
Erestor hated the weak feeling of tears brimming his eyes and pain crushing his already fragile heart. He did not wish to relive this moment again yet could not refuse his friend an answer. Elrond worried only for his wellbeing. A worry Erestor would himself have were a friend in a situation such as this.
His voice quiet, almost a whisper as if afraid someone might overhear, and with the slightest tremor, he told what had occurred three nights ago.
"We all know how Glorfindel is with paperwork that needs finishing. So I am never surprised when days after the deadline is due I receive papers from him. Yet an entire week was much, even for his doing. So, it was three nights ago, I paid a visit to his rooms in an attempt to receive the papers that would no doubt be loitering his floor, as they always do. When knocking, I was answered by a soft murmur. I was a fool to believe it was meant for me and should have knocked again, yet I entered..."
Erestor faltered and closed his eyes tightly. "The vision of his naked body will torment me the rest of my life. Yet I can only dream of ever being the one in his bed. It again showed me I stand not a single chance. I am no Elleth, Elrond. He will never love me."
Desperate eyes watched the half-elf, looking for answers even the wisest of elves could not give. A lonely tear found its way down a pale cheek and Erestor bit his lip in an attempt not to sob.
Elrond drew his friend in his arms and allowed the brown-haired elf a chance to find comfort in his embrace. With the saddest of smiles crossing his features he gently lay a kiss on top of his advisor's head. "You do not deserve such a fate, my friend." He whispered as he too closed his eyes.
A fire burned peacefully in the fireplace that adorned Erestor's room, colouring the room in a yellow-orange glow. Both Elrond and himself were seated on the dark-brown settee, watching the fire in comfortable silence.
Erestor's breakdown had lasted only a short time. After all, he had known many decennia ago that his love was futile. Yet witnessing his secret love with another had broken his mask, if only temporarily.
Now, after relieving his feelings with both words and tears, the feeling of loss and emptiness had weakened. It was a feeling he had grown accustomed to, to some degree.
"I want to thank you, Elrond. Giving up your evening to listen to me. I should pick my moments better, should I not?" Erestor said, turning to face his friend with a small smile playing on his lips.
"Erestor." Elrond regarded his friend with a sigh. "If only for a worried old elf, do not speak so lowly of yourself for it pains me to hear such things. Because you know you are worth weeks of my time were it necessary."
Erestor smiled gratefully. He could always rely on Elrond and it soothed the pain to have such a good friend.
And of course Elrond was right. Simply because the one that held his heart did not fancy Ellon did not mean he was unworthy. Because he knew he was worthy enough, a 'good catch' as some would say. Yet sometimes it was easier to talk negatively of yourself than compliment one's behaviour. "You are right as always." He told his friend, receiving a chuckle in answer.
Yet suddenly Erestor's mood fell, his expression darkened and he held his breath in what he knew was slight fear and nerves for the events bound to happen.
Someone had knocked his door, the sound seemed to echo through the room yet Erestor knew it was merely his imagination for he feared to know who was at the other side of the door.
"Erestor?"
The sound of speech sounded slightly hushed since a cedar-door separated Erestor and Elrond from the one on the other side. Yet the voice sent a tremor through Erestor's body and he took a deep breath as recognition washed over him.
That low, deep voice that always seemed to be coated with a richness that struck ones core was recognized with ease by the Counsellor. He had dreamed of that voice speaking to him in hushed whispers for decades after all.
"Elrond," he whispered. He felt like crawling into a corner in the hopes of hiding himself from being seen, from being talked to.
He faced his friend with an almost scared expression, his eyes pleading for both help and support. He did not want to face Glorfindel, not yet. Perhaps in the morning he would feel confident enough to speak with the reborn Lord, but tonight he did not have the energy. For he was afraid that, when left alone with Glorfindel, his mask would surely break and he would not only make an utter and complete fool out of himself, but get rejected with actual words as well.
That was a pain he could not handle and thus did not want to face.
Elrond, understanding the situation after seeing the expression his friend carried, gently laid a hand on a small shoulder and softly said: "I shall tell him you are retiring. Do you think in the morn you could handle a conversation?"
A watery smile appeared on his lips and Erestor nodded. "Aye, that will be perfect. Thank you so much, my friend." He said and while Glorfindel called out yet again from the other side of the door, hugged Elrond tight for a few moments.
"You are welcome." Elrond rose from the settee with the utmost grace and walked to the door. He opened it, turned back to the brown-haired elf still seated and with a smile of his own wished his friend good night.
He then turned to Glorfindel, informed the Lord that, unfortunately, Erestor was exhausted but would be very able to meet the golden-haired elf in the morning.
Glorfindel, without given the chance to even glance inside the room, could not say another thing against the words of his Lord and, slightly disappointed, left for his own rooms. Or those of another, Erestor did not know.
"Try to actually sleep tonight." Elrond advised his friend, before closing the door, leaving Erestor alone with thoughts that would one day lead to his own destruction.
It was an early hour when Erestor roused. His night had been short, sleep had been little. It was yet again a morning, like many, on which he awoke feeling tired. It could not be helped for mental tiredness, unlike being physically weary, could not be cured with sleep.
It was on that morning, during which he felt particularly dreadful and weary from events that had gone and of those yet to happen, he decided he could take no more. One more month of suffering emotional torture would surely break him down.
In his mind there was only one solution. He had to leave.
It had been a long time since he had visited the Lady Galadriel and the Lord Celeborn of Lórien and time spent with either both of them or the Galadhrim was enjoyable. Yet the enjoyable side of things was not what would cure his broken heart. It was the time away from Glorfindel, away from the pain, that he felt would mend him.
Yet wanting to leave, and rather yesterday then today, did not mean it was actually going to happen. Of course, if he wanted too very badly, he could pack his belongings and leave but that made returning to Imladris when he wished for it a rather difficult matter. Leaving without permission came close to running away after all.
Running away, no matter justified, meant he had to betray his Lord and snow both Melpomaen and Lindir under with work. It would not be appreciated by all parties and Erestor was sure he would return after not even half of a year out of guilt.
No, leaving could not be done today. He needed to plan things carefully, make sure his two scribes could handle his departure and above all, he needed Elrond's consent. A thing he already dreaded to ask for yet it had to be done.
First, he decided, he had to dress himself and away to the library in preparation of his plan.
Libraries were meant to be silent places, calm and serene rooms illuminated with dimmed lighting and filled with books for either political, historical or entertainment purposes and many more. And even though Erestor was found in the library often enough he had never seen the room, which was one of his favourites in entire Imladris, this empty and silent.
The only person occupying the library besides the chocolate-haired advisor was the Lord of Imladris himself. Erestor did not know, considering his talk with Elrond last night and his decision from this morning, if he should be relieved or angry at fate for having him walk into his friend.
Elrond, confusion shining in his eyes and his mien questioning, looked up from the book he was reading with a frown marring his features. "Up at this early hour after a night deprived of sleep?"
Erestor could not help the chuckle that escaped him. Elrond always had a peculiar way of questioning someone. He steered the conversation into a corner without the other realizing he was telling his entire story because Elrond wished to know it, not because he or she choose to tell the Lord.
It did not work with Erestor, who was a quick and smart converser himself and thus was not easily distracted nor cornered.
So instead of answering the question, he sat down in the unoccupied maroon plush chair that stood in front of the fireplace.
"I have been thinking." He stated as he watched the fire in front of him. He could delay informing Elrond of his decision. Yet he felt he needed advice since even though he did wish to leave, it was not a decision he felt comfortable to make all by himself.
Elrond, knowing that his friend was to tell him of his occupation during the night did not need further encouragement. He simply closed the book he was reading, lay it down onto the small table between Erestor's and his chair and looked at his friend with a look that came close to worry.
Erestor always appreciated the Peredhil's thoughtfulness and understanding of his interlocutor. At least his friend understood that if Erestor wished to inform someone of certain information, he would do so on his own accord without encouragement of any kind.
"I..." Erestor faltered. It was not often he did not find words to express himself. Yet how could he explain his need to leave, to flee from the emotions that were smothering and drowning him slowly, without embarrassing himself? The idea itself was embarrassing enough, degrading almost since he, as a respected elf and known for his wisdom, could not overcome something as trivial as mere emotions.
He tensed, too caught up in his own track of thoughts that he did not notice Elrond standing up until a hand was gently laid upon his shoulder in a comforting gesture. Elrond stood in front of him with a tender smile yet his entire expression was etched with sadness and compassion towards his friend.
Erestor looked up at his friend through long eyelashes that framed his almond-shaped eyes. He took a deep breath and the saddest of smiles came to his lips. "I wish to leave Imladris, my friend."
Elrond gasped, an almost frightening sound in the silent library and Erestor felt a curtain of guilt fall over him as he lowered his eyes. "I know it is sudden, yet I find myself weary and tired no matter the hours I sleep." He explained, his voice soft and his mien despondent.
Silence overtook the library once again yet not for long.
Elrond, understanding of the emotions his friend felt yet reluctant to grant permission for his departure, asked: "Have you considered speaking with Glorfindel about your feelings?" Erestor laughed bitterly at the almost ridiculous option his Lord offered him. "I am unlikely to believe he has any interest in me besides friendship. Nay my friend, telling him will only result in rejection and perhaps scorn."
"Glorfindel is many things but he is not cruel, Erestor." Elrond told his friend sternly. On the verge of losing his friend he could not help but be desperate for a chance to have him stay.
Elrond smiled sadly and knelt in front of his friend, looking him in the eye. Sometimes, talking to Erestor was like talking to a little child who refused to listen. You had to look the child in the eyes and sternly tell what you wished for them to do otherwise you would be ignored. Erestor, although unconsciously and to a lesser degree, behaved like that sometimes.
"I know you fear rejection from Glorfindel and I cannot say with certainty it will be something else. Yet I see his eyes follow you when you abruptly leave a room, I can see slight worry in his eyes when you fall silent. It does not give an answer to everything but it does indeed show he cares, that he is worried. Erestor, you love him. Do you not believe that no matter his feelings regarding you, he will be gentle?" Elrond asked softly.
Tears brimmed Erestor's eyes yet he refused to let them fall. He nodded.
Elrond was right, of course. Glorfindel had a gentle soul and would never intentionally hurt him. Even if it came to rejecting the Counsellor he would probably be gentle and perhaps he would grace Erestor with an apologetic smile that, unwanted, would make Erestor's knees feel weak.
"My friend, I know this will sound strange to you but I do feel you should tell Glorfindel of your feelings." Elrond spoke softly, almost as if he was afraid that when he would speak louder Imladris would awaken and their silent conversation would be over. "Hiding your feelings for all of eternity will be the end of you. Fleeing to Lórien will rest your soul yet it will only be shortly. Rejection, no matter how harsh, will not ease the pain yet it will be the start of a mourning process you need."
"It doesn't sound strange." Erestor whispered. His friend had suggested a plan of which he had not yet thought. Rejection was sure to be received and it would be harsh no matter how gentle Glorfindel decided to be on the broken-hearted elf. Yet Elrond had a valid point.
He could not live forever haunted by feelings that were unreturned and hidden. Confessing his love to Glorfindel was indeed a thing he would dread from the moment he decided he would do it and would hurt more than any wound he could ever receive. Yet when he was rejected, the last hope he still had left his feelings could be returned, no matter how foolish that hope might seem, would be shattered along with his heart.
Erestor allowed a lone tear to fall and he grimaced as long, gentle fingers swiped it away. He looked up at his friend, into the face of the elf he would trust with his life, and mournfully said: "Then let us hope, by Elbereth let us hope, that I do not fade from grief."
Suddenly, catching both Erestor and Elrond by surprise as two pairs of shocked eyes turned towards the door, a timid and sad voice spoke. "Is E'stor leaving?"
Pinkish lips pouted, eyes big and brimmed with unshed tears, long beautiful raven-hair tousled from sleep and dressed in merely a white night-gown little Arwen stood in the doorway, holding her doll close to her chest as she watched her Ada and Erestor.
Smiling fondly as he caught sight of his daughter Elrond rose from his crouched position on the floor.
Erestor, caught in melancholy, did not notice the elfling walking towards him until small hands grabbed the long sleeve of his robe. He smiled sadly as he looked into big, questioning eyes.
"Are you leaving?" The little girl asked insecurely, her voice quivering slightly.
"Little one," Erestor brushed a hand over Arwen's cheek. She was a precious child and would no doubt be sad he was leaving. "I need time away from home to heal."
Confusion etched the little girl's face. "Are you sick?" She asked.
"Nay Arwen." Elrond spoke and motioned for his daughter to come to him.
After looking at Erestor one last time she obediently padded towards her father and grabbed his robes, looking up at him with big eyes.
Elrond, after casting his friend another worried glance, knelt again and looked his daughter in the eye. "Sometimes someone needs to heal from a wound that is caused by emotions, not by a sword or arrow. It is best to do so alone and Erestor might leave to heal. But he will return." He spoke softly, gently as he explained to the little elf what was wrong with Erestor.
"If he fades he won't come back." Arwen muttered softly in reply. She bit her lip as tears pooled in her eyes.
Silence overtook the room as Elrond nor Erestor knew how to comfort the little girl.
It was a sad sight Lindir walked in on at that moment. He knew the moment he saw his Lord with a worried gaze, Chief Counsellor almost devastated and little Arwen with tears in her eyes something bad was to happen in Imladris. He could only regret such a thing to befall Erestor, who in his eyes was a reserved yet kind soul.
Yet instead of voicing his concern he made for a quiet leave. He did frown though as retreating footsteps echoed through the hallway and light-blue coloured robes disappeared behind a corner.
"Why, may I ask, did you feel the need to lock the door?"
Erestor raised an elegant eye-brow as he regarded the Seneschal that stood in front of the currently locked door of his office.
His heart was beating rapidly and he felt overtaken with nerves ever since the moment the blond warrior had knocked on the door of his office, expressing his need for a conversation with the advisor.
Glorfindel raised his eyes to meet those of the advisor and with a smirk etching his sensual lips said: "I did not want you to escape me again."
"Escape?" Erestor asked. He praised himself lucky that, unlike some, he did not act like a fool whenever near the one that held his heart. His voice was normal, as was his mien and his mind was still able to think as it usually did.
He was quite curious what the other elf was speaking of. He had expected Glorfindel to seek him out, apologizing for last night yet to have the elf lock the door and blame Erestor from escaping was a little on the ridiculous side of things.
"Last night I was not convinced by your act of weariness." Glorfindel spoke and all traces of amusement left his face.
Erestor, blinking and suddenly pale, could only wonder what it was the blond Lord was getting at as said elf sat down in a lone chair that stood, facing the desk Erestor was currently occupying, his light-blue robes fluttering to the ground.
Light-blue, Erestor thought in a moment of insanity, was a colour that fit Glorfindel perfectly. Yet the thought was quickly cast away when Glorfindel continued.
"I heard Lord Elrond and yourself speaking before I knocked, you did not sound as tired as the Lord claimed you to be." Glorfindel spoke softly, his tone indicating he was not offended or angry. "I have offended you last night with my thoughtless slip of the tongue and understand perfectly fine you did not wish to speak with me last night."
Erestor blinked, surprised at the words spoken to him. When Glorfindel spoke of escaping Erestor had been afraid all the blame would fall upon him.
A small part of him wanted to speak up, to tell Glorfindel that all was right and he was forgiven. Yet on the other side Erestor wanted to hear Glorfindel ask for forgiveness. Some could regard it as mean perhaps, but he needed to see that the elf cared one last time before he told the golden Lord of his feelings.
Of course he dreaded expressing his feelings yet agreed with Elrond it was indeed the best solution. The first step towards healing.
Glorfindel took a deep breath, grabbing Erestor's attention once again, before continuing. "So I rose early this morning, knowing you often do, wanting to apologize to you for my behaviour last night."
Suddenly Glorfindel's expression changed into one of confusion mixed with slight worry and Erestor could not help but shiver at the sudden cold that overcame him. He had a bad feeling about this.
"And I overheard a conversation from which I should have run. I listened in because I have been worrying about you for a long time since it felt as if you always kept me at a distance. And I apologize and can only beg for your forgiveness yet I fear I do not deserve it." Glorfindel explained in a voice as calm as a sea without waves, yet faltered as he saw Erestor's expression fall, his body freezing from fear and his face paling almost as if life itself was leaving the elf. By Elbereth, what had he done?
Erestor blinked, feeling as if a knife was plunged though his gut. His lithe figure shook slightly, almost as if all warmth had left his body and a harsh cold had settled over both body and soul. He felt empty all of a sudden, as if a small part of him was missing and he could not help but feel the need to grieve.
Admittedly, he had not yet been rejected but it would soon follow. This empty feeling, he mused, could perhaps be the part of his soul that had died now that Glorfindel claimed to know of his feelings. To regret knowing his feelings.
Oh, how he wished he had fled to Lórien first thing this morning instead of being a foolish elf in need of advice! It only served him a broken heart.
He lifted his eyes, in an attempt to face the golden Lord sitting in front of him, yet his heart clenched and called out in both pain and desperation as he looked upon his love. He clenched his fists and closed his eyes, willing the crystal tears that were pooling in his eyes to go away.
He would not allow himself to cry. For decades he had believed his love to never be returned and after the first time never had he cried again. This time was no different except now he knew for sure.
And that perhaps was what hurt. Knowing he would never stand a chance, to never hold the heart of this elf whom he cared about so greatly.
He took a breath, shaky and his lungs aching only from this trivial action. Biting his lip in a last attempt at comfort he slowly opened his eyes. Yet he could not will himself to look at Glorfindel, he could not stand the rush of pain that shot through his body and he turned his head away, his empty gaze fixed upon the locked door.
"I would forgive you anything." Erestor uttered, his voice barely a whisper that sounded hollow and without feeling.
A sad smile, a heartbreaking sight as tears yet again filled his eyes, came to his pale face. "I did promise Elrond I would tell you of my feelings yet had not anticipated it would go like this. I deeply regret any scorn you may have towards me and hope I can ease your mind with the knowledge my love for you will not trouble you longer than a day."
For a second he laughed bitterly at his own predicament, the sound even cruel to his own ears.
A hand was suddenly placed gently upon his shoulder, feeling like bricks rather than a gentle hold, and with a startled gasp Erestor's head snapped up, looking at Glorfindel with a surprised and scared expression.
He had not expected worry and a slight flicker of care as he locked eyes with Glorfindel. Unwanted, a tear fell down his cheek and Erestor swallowed. For a second he worried his lip and with a shaky breath and painful heart decided he should admit his feelings and afterwards hope Glorfindel would leave him alone with his tears and broken heart.
"I love you." He whispered and even though heartbreak etched even his face his voice sounded gentle, loving as he spoke of his feelings. Of course it hurt, but it was a feeling of freedom as well, to finally be able to express the feelings he had bottled up for such a long time. "I have done so for decades and have come to accept rejection."
"Erestor..." Glorfindel smiled gently and caressed Erestor's cheek as if it were fragile china.
Sad eyes, tinged with the slightest hint of anger, watched the Seneschal. "Do not pity or fool me, Glorfindel." He spoke in a shaky voice. "Your interest does not lie with Ellon." A small sob escaped him as he spoke, he could not help it. The situation was all too real all of a sudden and this pity he received was more than he could take.
"I do not pity you." Glorfindel's voice was calm and as he spoke he squatted to the ground. He lifted Erestor's chin and looked him in the eye with a worried gaze. "I have watched you for a long time as you distanced yourself from me, from the friendship we had built and I worried for you. If I had known of this sooner..." Glorfindel trailed off with a soft sigh.
Erestor, though devastated, frowned as it seemed as if Glorfindel was taking the blame for something no-one was to blame for. "What are you saying?" He whispered, voice hoarse from emotion.
"I am your friend, Erestor, of course I care. I would not know who told you I do not care for Ellon, but that person was wrong. Yet I do find myself attracted to Elleth more often and have not laid with an Ellon ever since I arrived in Imladris. I –"
"Glorfindel, what are you saying?" Erestor repeated his question, almost afraid of the answer. All this time, all this time he could have fought for Glorfindel's love and he had not known.
"I cannot promise you a thing, Erestor. But come time, I may find myself looking at you with a look other than friendship." Glorfindel chose his words carefully and was excited as a small flicker of hope was visible in Erestor's eyes.
"You are not saying this because you do not wish for me to leave for Lórien?" Erestor asked in a shaky voice. He knew the answer could be disappointing but he had to know. If Glorfindel meant what he said...
Erestor closed his eyes and basked in the feeling of relief and hope as Glorfindel confirmed he was speaking the truth. Glorfindel was not in love with him, it was as he had anticipated. Yet he had hope, he could make Glorfindel love him.
No.
He would make Glorfindel fall in love with him, even if it cost him his heart. He had already lost it, had it broken and repaired. Taking another chance was perhaps something the Valar had graced him with. He would be a fool not to take this chance.
"Erestor, you are crying." Glorfindel whispered, afraid if he spoke louder the moment would be gone.
"I know." Erestor whispered and smiled as tears indeed rolled down his cheeks.
He then sighed and opened his eyes. "Arwen will be delighted."
That night Erestor dined with Elrond, his wife and their children in their private rooms.
As he had predicted, Arwen had been delighted to hear Erestor would not be leaving Imlarids and the twins had curiously questioned if they had missed something. Erestor, in a better mood than he had been for a long time, joked because of their behaviour last night they would be denied their information.
It was an uneventful dinner, joyful even. And when the children were put to bed Elrond had asked what had caused this sudden change and Erestor had explained. Both Elrond and Celebrian had been delighted, even more so when Glorfindel came by their rooms with the intention of drinking a pleasant goblet of wine with Erestor.
Erestor knew Glorfindel sought his company that night because of the events that day. He realized it was perhaps slight pity his friend bestowed upon him and it would take a while for that to change.
Yet he accepted that, he would gladly take that pity if it meant he stood even the slightest chance of catching Glorfindel's heart.
That night they lay on top of Erestor's bed, as they had done many times before. Yet that was before Erestor had fallen in love with Glorfindel, before he had distanced himself and both were happy to have that moment back.
That serene moment in which both laid on top of Erestor's blanket, holding hands to comfort each other. Glorfindel from his past, his death and rebirth haunting his mind still, and Erestor knowing he still stood a small chance, even though that could be questioned time and time again.
And as he lay on the sheets, he figured that he did not know if he would ever hold the Elda's heart, did not know if Glorfindel's soul would ever call to his as his own did to the blond Lord. Yet he had the one he loved in his chambers, his bed and in his arms. For now, not knowing was enough.
The End
Translations:
Anar - Sun
Ellith - Female Elf
Ellon -Male Elf
Isil - Moon
Peredhil - Half-Elven