Emy-

This is something I thought I'd never see, at least not like this. Sure, I've daydreamed about it endlessly, how could I not, you were the only thing in our way. But now, no. I'd take it all back. Her sob breaks free and for a moment I'm sure I've just heard whatever was left of her heart shatter. How could I have spent so long holding onto what was never, not ever, truly mine? A month ago I would've denied it, yet now I know, more sure than I think I've ever been, she has been, and forever will be, only yours.

Tegan, I have no idea how much you knew about Sara and I, and it really doesn't matter. Though I want you to know how much of you and Sara I know.

Sara Quin. Oh what a mystical woman she is, you know better than anyone, as you know her better than anyone ever could. We met at the age of 22, somewhere in the city, neither of us can recall exactly where. She was an absolute mess, I'd never quite understand what had her in such a state of torment, though it makes more sense now. We were casual at first, as every couple is at the beginning I suppose. From the start Sara made it clear that she didn't believe in monogamy, which made her even more of the perfect girl since I had never practiced monogamy myself. It was the perfect set up, we had each other and we both had someone else. Of course this was a rotating cycle of people, typically lasting no more than six months or so.

It was two years into our relationship that Sara had revealed the source of her anguish on the night we met. One night, drunken and giddy, we found ourselves in my living room, divulging our deepest, never shared sexual fantasies.

"No, I'm serious," bouts of laughter accompanied my sentence. Sara had lost in, in tears from the kick she had gotten out of my divulgence.

"You're joking. You, my dear, must've have had too much to drink."

Personally, I wasn't sure why this was so hard to believe. "Oh c'mon Sara. It's every dirty man's, and lesbian's dream! And I have it right in front of me."

Again, our laughter filled the room. Surely Sara could understand that logic, maybe she just never really had it occur to her that she was in fact one half of lesbian twin sisters, a true gold mine if you ask me. "It might even be more in front of you than you think."

Surely I hadn't heard her right. Did Sara just imply some sort of physical rendezvous between her and her twin, Tegan? Oh this is too good to be true. I wiggled my brows, giving a suggestive looks in hopes of drawing out more of an answer.

Sara had some serious giggles going at this point. She stood and walked the ten or so feet to the bar cart, pouring four shooters and immediately taking two before grabbing the other two and handing them to me. Hesitantly, I took them and quickly tossed both back into my mouth. The half full wine glass had returned to her hand, cradled between her middle and ring fingers. Her gaze had been set upon the glass for a few moments, then she turned her focus back to me. With a devious smile she asked "Well Emy, how well can you keep a secret?"

Oh shit, this is going to be some juicy gossip. "The best of the best."

Our eyes stayed locked for a minute, her face had morphed into one of concentration, likely deciding if I was as good at secret keeping as I had attested. That beautiful, radiant smile had returned, "Buckle up kiddo, you're in for a treat." Not a second later I had turned my body face fully, ready for what would hopefully be a wild story of a high or drunken fuck between the two. It felt like we were suddenly two middle school girls confessing their crushes and secrets.

"Well, you know Tegan of course," a pause ensued, "We were together for a while before I met you."

With that, my jaw fell to the floor, I was all ears at this point. In any other mindset, I'd probably be decently, and rightfully, disgusted. Though now, with a good amount of liquor in both our systems, my mind was filled with nothing but intrigue. Okay, and a little bit of horny thoughts too, but mostly intrigue!

For almost a full two hours, I sat and listened to the complexity of your and Sara's relationship through Sara's slightly drunken slurs atop her lisp, more prominent with alcohol in the mix. I must've asked nearly 50 questions. Hands down, this is the craziest thing I have ever and will ever hear.

Sara explained it all as best as she could.

The beginning, how her nightmare had caused her to wake in the middle of the night to seek the comfort that you always provided without a second thought. How you held her and turned to reminiscing on childhood memories when your normal routine wasn't doing the trick. She explained the overwhelming emotion that you evoked by the nostalgia your shared memories brought on. "I remember turning around in her arms and seeing the love all but pouring out of her eyes. I think, no matter what happens between us, that will always be my strongest memory. One moment she was giggling over her recollection of our mom's story when we hid and one of us said 'we're tired of people yookin' at us', then the next moment I had my lips on hers."

She explained the duration of your relationship with a glint of what I thought at the time was sorrow, now, looking back, I know it was longing. She told me how gentle you were with her, the way you cared for her more so than you did yourself. I mean Tegan, some of the things she told me that you did for her practically had me falling for you. The elaborate dates, even going as far as to dress in drag or disguises to allow for you two to be in public together. The intimate studio sessions you would have, switching whose turn it was to introduce a new song written for the other. Endless memories came rushing through her, I could almost see the physical torment she went through trying to find her fondest to share.

And she explained the end. In all honesty it almost brought me to tears. With glassy eyes she told me about Lindsey, how she stole you away from her. As unbiased as she could, she explained as a second party what was running through your brain. A reckless and faulty thought, planted by who knows, that sparked a fire that made you jump out the window only to smack the concrete. Yes, she painted you like a rose in full bloom, yet just like a rose, you stuck her good, the wounds you left open to bleed. I'm not a religious person, yet in the aftermath of all of this, I pray like hell that time itself would rewind and pluck that devious thought that you and Sara were anything but built to learn, live and love together.

Of course this is my side after the fact. At the time I still thought she was all mine, at least as much as a polyamorous relationship can allow.

Nearly two weeks had passed before I brought it up again, Sara's face turned a deeper shade of red than I think I'd ever witnessed. "I honestly thought it was a dream," she told me with shock painted upon her face. Nevertheless, we continued on with each other, I really didn't have an issue that Sara had dated her twin sister, much to my surprise. Don't get me wrong, we were happy, however, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had realized the power of what you two shared. I wish I had realized that you and Sara are, at the very core of the definition, soulmates. Yet life does not stop for our mistakes. Sara dated a girl named Stacy for nearly two years, ending it with her a few months before our five year mark. After a few months, my Sara had begun to build walls between us. It was you, I was utterly convinced. She began to stray, not as she typically does, something was different. When she came back from seeing her "girlfriend", she shone bright like polished silver in sunlight, brighter even. There was new life injected into Sara's soul, surely someone had found a way to physically capture life and had chosen to test it on Sara. I was convinced this was the only explanation for the glow and utter vitality, it hadn't occurred that this change was brought about by your love being back where it belongs, sheltered within the confines of Sara's heart. Had I known you more then like I do now, I'm sure I would've seen the same resuscitation of your soul. Each time I saw that emoji combination of the polo shirt, two girls dancing and the suggestive lips, I'm sure I saw her heart actually trying to escape her chest to be closer to you. I still have a laugh at how obvious the emojis are though, Tee, twins and lips- I mean c'mon.

I waited probably six months before I needed confirmation from Sara herself. "Hey Sara," Sara padded her way through the kitchen and into her living room to see what I wanted. "Your girlfriend is Tegan, right?"

Her face went through many emotions rather quickly. Shock, anger, sadness- everything in between, then settled on confusion. "How did you know?"

"I never thought you seemed less than whole but the past months, I can't easily explain it, it's like you've been only half of yourself and now that you're with her again, you are so complete, it's amazing."

Another change in faces, this one was sadness, a tinge of pity thrown in. "Emy, I'm so sorr-"

I cut off her attempt at an apology, "Sara, you don't need to apologize. I get it. You explained it all, you're bound so tightly to each other that you need as much from the other as possible. Truthfully, I understand, I just wanted to confirm."

A smile came across her face, one that I've only ever seen when she was in her twin's presence. Hell, her presence wasn't even needed, the thought of Tegan alone was enough to pull her lips into a smile that I believe she had stolen from an angel itself. Fuck, even in my memories I'm corny as all hell. Anyhow, that was nearly two years ago.

Yes Tegan, I know you loved Sara and standing here, I think Sara loved you more than any kind of love the world has seen.

Another sob echoes through the silent air like a crack of thunder. I've never felt so helpless in my life. There simply is no comfort for someone who has lost their literal other half. Sara's body is laid across the casket like a wet rag, her sobs and pleas to you to come back to her are an image and sound that will forever be scorched into my memories.

"Please Tee. I need you here, I cannot be here without you." Her words are barely audible, and to anyone a foot further from her than I am surely cannot make out the words that are meant to be kept between you two. "Tegan, please." The burial coordinator made her move to approach Sara, likely to tell her that they are ready to lower the casket. I intercept her path, letting her know that I'll pull her away.

My heart sinks lower and lower as I walk, she's going to hate me for pulling her away from you this one last time. I hate myself for it too. I hate that Sara has to be taken from you for the last time in this world. I place my hands on her shoulders and pull her slightly, she cries out louder, an earth shattering cry for you. This is all too surreal, how did you get taken from Sara? How is this what life has turned into? Sara turns around in my arms and grips onto me, she'd likely collapse under the weight of being left here alone if she weren't digging her fingers into me. We slowly walk about ten feet from your casket to watch you be laid to rest. Tegan's coffin, Sara's twin, her other half in mind and body. Your coffin. Tears begin to fall from my eyes as the empathy comes out in waves.

"She was supposed to come back. Why didn't she come back to me? Why didn't she wake up?" her softly cried screams muffle into my shoulder. Yes Sara is right, you were supposed to wake up. Who decided it was your time, they did wrong, Sara has been done dirty.

They begin to lower you into your body's final resting place as the most somber silence fills the air, only sounds of sniffles and hushed crying are filling the air. In the past week and a half since you've died a lot of my beliefs have changed. No, this isn't the end of your story, you and Sara will be with each other always. Death is not the end, this era has come to a close and this is only the start to another world, a world where you'll be together again. You'll have your girl with you again. See, couple's with a love as rich and deeply rooted as yours never leave each other for long, and your love was more than all others. As much as it pains me to think, I know Sara too will have her end in this world soon, her soul is simply not complete without you near. There is nothing I want more than for you two to be reunited. For fucks sake, you just got back together after being apart for so long.

The coffin stops, now in the place where it will remain for the rest of time. Shovels are placed in a large pile of rich soil for us to trickle over your body, a final attempt at offering you to the afterlife, conceding our selfish needs and allowing your life to continue on away from here. Wherever that may be.

Tegan, I want to apologize. I would trade all the time I've had with Sara if it meant she could have had that time with you. I never intended on keeping you two apart, I never knew that's what I was doing. Sara never belonged to anyone else, her mind, body and soul are yours. I'll take care of her for you until she leaves this world to join you. This thought brings a smile to my face, you'll both be happy again soon. Maybe in the next stage of your lives you can truly be together, not a forbidden love between twin sisters. Though I know without a doubt that you both would do it all again over the option of simply being sisters, not a thought about it. Your souls are bound tight, intricately intertwined much like the double helix of your identical DNA.

Sara, her shoulders low in defeat and complete desolation, moves solemnly to the side of your plot. She lifts the shovel of dirt and turns, centering the shovel over your coffin and tilts it slightly, letting the soil cascade down onto you. She does this about four or so times, tears racing down her face over the surreal situation she's found herself in. She walks over to the flower displays donated in honor of you by people who loved you, picking out the flowers that she knows you'd surely pick yourself if you could. With about a four in her left hand, she kneels next to the opening in the ground and reaches down to place the flowers centered atop the wooden casket.

Sara returns to me, head in my shoulder, her own shaking out her weeping. Sara is mumbling incomprehensible words against me, words meant for you to hear in the impossible chance that you could finally wake up and beat on the walls you're surrounded by. We stand her like this for probably 20 minutes, people around us disbursing and others collecting the flowers and placing them in my car so they can be dried and saved.

Once in the car, Sara is silent, her crying has stopped and she is staring at the site of your burial. I take her hand in mine, squeezing it reassuringly, "Sara, you'll be with her soon."

She turns to look at me for the first time in hours. A small, weak smile appears and I'm not sure if I'm hallucinating. "Yes. Yes, we will be together again soon." Silence falls upon the car again, both of us silently praying that it's really soon so your souls can meet again to continue your ever-growing shared love.

Tegan, I love you, and I love Sara. And I cannot begin to express the hope and joy I hold knowing that Sara will be whole again soon.