TITLE: Ticket to Ride
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid
RATING: G
SUMMARY: A Yappy Obi story. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan travel to negotiations on a public transport.
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. I make no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
NOTE: A Beatles song title challenge.
"Where is your ticket, Obi-Wan?"
"What ticket? Why do I need a ticket?"
"You need a ticket to ride public transport on this planet. It's not free."
"But we are Ambassadors here, Master. We are here to help. To solve their planetary crisis!"
"So we, who neither live here, pay the government living expenses or taxes, nor help to support the economy by spending here - we should get everything handed to us for free because we are here help a group of crop and livestock farmers decide which section of the planet – north, south, east or west - is more prosperous for growing crops and which is more prosperous for raising livestock?"
"Well, yes…no…yes. Master, I don't know. When you draw it all out like that, it makes it sound confusing and, well…wrong to get things for free."
"It is wrong."
"So we can't get free stuff, don't we have any power as Jedi?"
"Yes, we can lift things with our minds."
"But you won't let me lift things, Master. Remember the incident with Chancellor Valium?"
"Valorum. And yes I do. I told you not to levitate him even though he was being friendly with you and asking you how far along your Force abilities were. You levitated him anyway and you spun him around, dropped him head first into his own coffee table. He ended up in the hospital for two days with a severe concussion."
"He asked me to show him my control of the Force. And he was laughing after I dropped him."
"He was delirious from a head injury, giggling at anything that moved. And how is what you showed him considered control?"
"It's not my fault that he started squirming in mid-air. I can't be responsible for what people do when they are floating around helplessly. You should have warned him about me, Master."
"I did, Obi-Wan. You don't recall me saying, Chancellor, don't allow him to do that, he'll only lose control and spin you into the coffee table?"
"Oh yeah, I do remember that. He laughed. And I thought you were trying to be funny again."
"I am not funny, Obi-Wan."
"Believe me, Master, I know. But what does any of this have to do with me having a ticket for this transport?"
"It means we don't get things for free just because we are Jedi."
"How you got that from that story, I have no idea. But you're the master, Master."
"Correct. I am the master. Now, I will ask you again. Where is your ticket?"
"I don't have one."
"I bought you one and handed it to you before we boarded. You said you were putting it in your belt pouch. Did you check there?"
"I did not."
"Can you please check there?"
"Okay. Hmm…hey! Here it is! I do have a ticket. And I didn't even have to pay for it, so technically I got it for free."
"I paid for it."
"And you are not me."
"You don't know how grateful I am of that. Don't lose it. You can't leave the transport without it. The pilot will collect the ticket when we disembark."
"Disembark. You make it sound so fancy. When we harbor at the quay and disembark for our passage and move onwards towards negotiations, we must present our travel documents to the chauffeur of this transportation medium."
"That's good, Padawan."
"In other words, after we dock we have to give our ticket to the tall skinny five-eyed, six-armed, purple-skinned scaly pilot guy before we can escape this thing."
"Just when I think you are turning a corner, you alter course and ram into a wall."
"Walls are a problem for me, Master."
"I know they are, especially when you create them."
"So, when do we get off?"
"When the transport stops."
"When is that?"
"When we arrive at our destination."
"How much longer until we arrive?"
"Soon."
"That's not quite vague enough for me."
"Stop that, Obi-Wan. Put the ticket away before you lose it."
"I bet I can levitate the ticket, Master. And I won't give it a concussion either."
"Put it away. Now."
"I can make it float all around and over your head, whoosh! Master! Give it back!"
"Not until we arrive at our destination. If you lose this ticket you stay on the transport."
"That'll work. They'll just take me back to the spaceport and I can wait for you there."
"No, because then I would have to conduct these crop/livestock negotiations myself."
"Uh, you are going to do that anyway."
"No, you are."
"Um…uh…ah…no?"
"This appears to be a simple, listen and suggest type issue. I know you can listen when you want to. And I know you and your big mouth can suggest things. So I will follow your lead."
"Master, that is so unfair!"
"Obi-Wan, you are a Jedi. This is what you are being trained for. How is it unfair for me to put you in charge of a mission?"
"Because. I'm just a mouthy kid. They won't listen to a babbling thirteen-year-old."
"They will listen if they see you as mature, capable and sure of yourself."
"You think I'm mature?"
"Well, not really, but the other two I can hope for."
"Hmmm. If I do well, will you hug me?"
"We'll talk about it."
"You will talk about mush?"
"Let me rephrase that. We will talk about the possibility of you getting a single hug from me if you conduct yourself as a professional during these negotiations and manage to not smart mouth a single person there, including me, no matter how trivial the issues they discuss might be."
"Ah, what?"
"Behave and you might get a hug."
"I can do that. Do I have to win?"
"Win what?"
"The negotiations?"
"We're not here to win, Obi-Wan. We are here to help. There is no winner."
"But how do you know if we are successful if no one wins?"
"Everyone will be happy at the end."
"I love happy endings, Master. I wish my life had one. But I don't think being hated and hunted by my apprentice and then going to desert world to watch over some bratty blonde kid and then being killed in a girly fight qualifies as a happy ending."
"No, I wouldn't say that qualifies. Your life will not end with a girly fight, Obi-Wan. I've taught you better than that. And during those rare instances when you actually listen…"
"I listen all the time, Master. I just don't often obey."
"True. But regardless, I will be certain that you don't die in a girly fight."
"Then you can't steal the kid from his mom."
"Huh?"
"Never mind. It's not important right now. Can I have my ticket back?"
"Are we at our destination yet?"
"Well, we stopped moving."
"Then we are there and yes you may have your ticket. Here."
"Let's go, Master!"
"Are you ready to lead, Padawan?"
"Nope. I'm scared, nervous and I have to pee."
"Then you are as ready as you'll ever be."
"What if I mess up?"
"You won't."
"What if I do?"
"Then on my trip back to spaceport, I'll only need to buy one ticket to ride."
"You'd leave me here?"
"Somehow you'd motor-mouth your way home."
"I would, wouldn't I?"
"You will be a natural negotiator, Obi-Wan. If nothing else, you'll talk them into submission and they'll agree to agree just to get you away from them."
"And that's power, isn't it, Master?"
"You can call it anything you'd like, Padawan."
"So in a way, my ticket to ride is my yappy mouth. It gives me the power I need to do anything!"
"Okay, you go with that."
"I'm ready, Master. Pointless negotiations about weeds and wild animals, here I come!"
"Crops and livestock."
"Yeah, those too! They'll be no match for me and my mouth!"
The End