It was a night like any other. Outside, the city hummed and screeched and sobbed the way it always did. People took the subway, and fell asleep, and danced and died and worked and wept and and laughed and loved, same as always. There was something very comforting about that.
Olivia sat at the balcony and watched as everyone she knew, and many she did not, tried not embarrass themselves. The dancing had been going on for half an hour now, and, although all the coaxing in the world would not persuade her to join in herself, she was thoroughly enjoying the spectacle. Elliot and Kathy were in the middle of the floor, and Olivia had made a mental note to tease Elliot about his fancy footwork when she went back downstairs to refill her drink, while Alex Eames, who Olivia had known for years, was hardly moving next to her partner, and smiling up at him with a look of equal parts love and exasperation. An attractive woman with short, dark hair, was dancing with immense flair with an equally handsome man - so well, in fact, that the rest of the crowd was drawing back to give them their space - and they were looking at each other with such intensity that Olivia thought that she could not possibly be the only one to be thinking, 'Just kiss her, already!' Then the man said something, and the woman's face broke into a smile, and she was, if possible, even prettier.
She was only now making these observations. Earlier, Alex had been dancing, with her customary grace, and it had been very hard for Olivia to look away. Alex's face had been its usual cool, unruffled self - no-one had made her laugh, or even smile. She had danced with Jason Walsh, then Mike Logan, then a man Olivia did not know, then Mike Cutter, and then, to Olivia's deep amusement, Cragen. After those four supremely awkward minutes, Alex had disappeared, and Olivia had realised that there were other people at this event. People who weren't Alex. It seemed worth remembering.
"Hey, you."
Or not.
"Hey, you," Olivia said, unable to keep herself from smiling. Alex smiled back, and took the seat next to Olivia's. They had an excellent view of the rest of the ballroom.
"Why are you hiding up here?" Alex asked after a while. Olivia turned to face her.
"Because I can't dance."
"Can't or won't?"
"Well, I genuinely don't know how to, but even if I did, I probably wouldn't."
"What a convenient excuse," Alex said dryly. Olivia smiled again and changed the subject.
"Who are those two?" She gestured to the handsome couple in the centre of the floor, who were still wrapped up in each other. "If they're partners, they really need to be more discreet about the fact they're sleeping together. Not that we frown on such things around here, but a little subtlety is always appreciated…"
To Olivia's surprise, Alex laughed. "Very droll."
"I'm quite serious," Olivia said, although her wide smile belied that statement. "The NYPD ought not to make people who could conceivably fall in love partners."
Alex thought about that carefully for a moment.
"To whom are you referring?" she asked.
Olivia looked down over the railing. Goren and Eames were standing with Jack McCoy, apparently having a very serious conversation. Alex followed Olivia's sightline, and raised her eyebrows.
"Really? Those two?"
"Just watch for a moment. I'll guarantee he looks down to check on her within the next minute. And see that look - there, see?"
Alex nodded. Down on the floor, Eames had looked up at Goren with the same mixture of love and amusement Olivia had seen on her face earlier. Or, in fact, any time they were together.
"And one of these days, someone other than me will notice and they'll be split up. Despite the fact that they're probably the best detectives in the room, bar none."
There was a momentary pause while Alex digested the information.
"Oh. How sad," she said, finally, with such calm disinterest that Olivia laughed again and rose to her feet.
"Come on. I could use another drink."
They took the back staircase down to the ground floor, and began to fight their way towards the crowded bar. Elliot caught them before they were halfway across the room.
"Where have you two been hiding?" he asked, as Alex and Kathy shook hands politely. "We've been looking for you since dinner."
"Alex was dancing," Olivia said, deliberately avoiding the question.
"And now I'm dangerously thirsty," Alex said. "We'll see you later, Elliot."
Alex took Olivia's hand and pulled her through the crowd, which made Olivia smile in itself. Between them, they managed to snag two glasses of wine, avoid a drunken Casey Shraeger who was lolling close to the bar, and headed out onto the terrace. It was so cold that they were the only ones out there. Neither really felt the cold, though they were both in thin dresses, and settled next to the balcony railing.
"Do you ever get lonely?" Olivia asked, with no preamble.
Alex considered the question for a moment. She thought of her airy, spacious apartment, where she was so isolated that she could hear her own thoughts. She mostly liked it that way. She liked getting up in the morning and knowing that all of her things were exactly where she had left them, and that her fridge only had the foods she liked in it, and that she could watch Rizzoli & Isles until three in the morning.
"I grew up with three sisters," she said. "Loneliness is a privilege."
"Huh." Olivia turned to lean on the railing. There was a steep drop, and then a tangle of trees and shrubbery, so green that she struggled to believe that they were only halfway across the city from home. The ball was being held in the sort of building Alex felt immediately comfortable in, all old stone and labyrinthine passageways, and the garden had been allowed to grow artfully wild. Alex leaned next to Olivia.
"Do you? For I can't imagine that after days like yours you would want to be around people in your spare time."
"And yet I do," Olivia said. "Just one other person, actually."
"Overrated," Alex said, and Olivia smiled faintly in the gloom. "I lived with Robert for six months, and hated it for three."
"Was that the experience itself, or just the specific company?"
Alex laughed softly. "Well, yes. Probably the company. But I still relish the quiet in my apartment."
"Lucky you," Olivia said, and bumped her shoulder. Neither of them were wearing sleeves, and even in the dimly lit terrace the difference in their skin tone was striking. Alex was wearing dark blue, which only made her look paler and more fragile. Olivia knew this to be an illusion.
The music spilled out into the night - a waltz, with tripping little embellishments on every third beat. Inside, people were dancing, and from this distance the swirl of colours was pleasantly abstract. Alex's fingers tapped the railing in time with the music.
"Would you like to dance?" Olivia asked, turning to Alex with a bright smile.
"I thought you couldn't," Alex said, lightly.
"Even I can waltz."
"Most of the dances this evening have been waltzes, Liv," Alex observed. "No-one expects cops to be able to dance much better than that."
"Ah. Yes," Olivia said, in such a sweetly wicked tone that Alex couldn't help but laugh again. "I did say that it was as much that I wouldn't as that I can't. Are you afraid of what people will say if we're seen?"
"No," Alex said honestly. "I merely wished to check that you wouldn't tread on my toes."
Olivia sketched out a bow, which made her skirts trail on the leafy terrace. Alex laughed again, and allowed herself to be held. It was such a simple pleasure, but she could not remember the last time she had been in the arms of someone she cared about - not since Robert left, in all likelihood, and that was two years past. They did not move much more than Eames and Goren had earlier; nothing worth any outsider's attention, not like the showy, handsome couple back inside, not even with as much quiet elegance as Elliot and his wife. But their eyes never left each others' faces, and they were so aware of each other that they did not have any catastrophes. When the first waltz ended, they segued effortlessly into a second. Anyone who had come across them might have thought it a very odd spectacle - two beautiful women, either of whom could have been on the arm of any man in the building, choosing instead to dance, rather inelegantly, with each other - but no-one did. After a while, Olivia dared to hold Alex a little closer. Alex, who had missed the touch of a warm human more than she had realised, rested her hands on Olivia's waist.
As the music came to a conclusion, Alex leaned in and kissed Olivia's cheek.
"Thank you, Liv."
"My pleasure. That was the best dance I've had all night."
Alex laughed, and they were still so close together that Olivia could feel Alex's breath against her skin.
"Mine, too," Alex said. "Save me at least one more before the night is out."
"Deal."
Alex turned to leave, but before she could move from Olivia's arms she was swept into a fierce hug. Her breath caught in her throat, but she rested her head on Olivia' shoulder and tightened her arms around her waist.
"Did I ever tell you that I missed you?" Olivia said, quiet in Alex's ear.
"No."
"Well, I did."
Alex's heart ached.
"I missed you too, Liv. So much."
Olivia smiled, and they broke apart. There was a moment where they were still standing so close that they could feel each others' breath against their hair, and then Alex turned and walked away.
Back inside, she was immediately caught up in an a playful argument between Connie Rubirosa and Mike Cutter. After making a few dry comments, which had both Connie and Mike laughing, she was interrupted by Elliot.
"Alex, did you see Liv? I wanted a word with her."
"She's out on the terrace. Did you lose Kathy as well?"
"Nah, she's dancing with Mac Taylor. The terrace? Isn't she freezing?"
"Probably. I don't think she's enjoying your ball very much."
"Ain't that the truth. Thanks, Alex."
Elliot left the three lawyers to their discussion and headed out outside. Olivia was leaning against the balcony, sipping her wine and staring out at the dense urban sprawl, and Elliot was cold just looking at her bare back. He took off his jacket, and put it over her shoulders.
"Oh, hi, El," Olivia said, without turning around. "How's it going?"
Grinning, Elliot leaned next to her. "I'm good. What's with all the hiding, Liv? I think Alex is the only person who's spoken to you all night."
Olivia shrugged. "Not really in the mood," she said.
"You seemed plenty happy to talk to Alex."
Olivia turned to him with a sharp look. "Do you have something to say, El, or are you just trying to annoy me?"
"Just checking on you, Liv. It's my job."
"Oh." That was true, so Olivia had nothing to say in response. "Sorry."
"Then I'm thinking there is something wrong, snapping turtle. Care to share?"
Olivia turned, and scanned the brightly coloured crowd for Alex. There she was: shock of blonde hair; blue dress; paper white skin. She was standing not far from the doorway.
"You know, Cassidy's here," Elliot said conversationally. "I bet he'd love to see you. He would have married you, ten years ago."
"You tell him where I am, I will hurt you."
Elliot chuckled. "It would almost be worth it."
Olivia finished the last of her wine and sighed almost imperceptibly. Elliot stepped in front of her, and Olivia refused to meet his eyes.
"Would you please just talk to me? I'm trying to help you."
"Give me a second."
Elliot turned to see where Olivia was staring. Alex had half-turned to show her profile.
"Oh, for Christ's sake, Liv. You still haven't told her, have you?"
"Told who what?"
Elliot spun back around to look at his partner, eyebrows raised. "Seriously, Liv? Do you not remember telling me?"
Olivia sighed again and shook her head. "I remember. I was hoping you didn't."
"Oh, that's likely."
A hospital corridor. Doctor. Patients. Visitors. Chaos. Elliot next to her, handing her coffee. Her sleeves covered in blood. Her hands covered in blood. Her coffee cup covered in blood. A doctor in pale blue scrubs and a lab coat, looking for the family of Alex Cabot.
"I'm so sorry. There was nothing we could do."
Her blank face. Her blank stare at the wall, not seeing, not hearing. No. Impossible. Not her. Not her. It was impossible.
Elliot's arm around her shoulders, and then the smell of his coat against her face. His hug. Oh, God. It hit her, and she cried out and her legs buckled. Elliot caught her.
She didn't know how she got to Elliot's house. Kathy's arms around her. A soft bed. Elliot's children, checking that Auntie Liv was alright, and being shooed away from the doorway. Elliot's bulk next to her. His silent understanding. Neither of them said anything.
"I loved her," Olivia said, and her voice cracked. She began to cry. "I loved her. El, I loved her. I loved her."
"I know," he said, and put his arms around her. "Hey, shh. I know."
"I never told her," Olivia said. "She died not knowing."
What to say to that? Elliot merely held her tighter, pressed his mouth to the crown of her head.
"How do I…how do I…"
"Shh. Don't. You need to sleep."
Olivia lay down. Her blank stare at the ceiling.
"But I loved her."
The breeze picked up, and the sleeves of Elliot's jacket, hanging limp at Olivia's sides, rose as if by magic.
"Go back to your wife, Elliot. I'll deal with this."
She took off his jacket, and he put it back on.
"Promise you won't stay out here all night and freeze your ass off?"
"Promise."
"OK."
He put a hand to her shoulder, then left.
Alex had been keeping an eye on the doorway, whilst carrying on a light conversation with Mike and Connie. It was not hard work - they could bicker amicably without much effort on her part, and as long as she made a few cutting remarks every so often, no-one would think to steal her away. When Elliot came back, looking thoughtful, she excused herself to the other lawyers and made her way over to him.
"What's wrong? Is she alright?"
To her surprise, Elliot seemed to be suppressing a smile. "Yes, she's fine. You got a second?"
She nodded, confused, and Elliot pulled them into a slightly quieter corner.
"You hurt her, I will personally ensure that you bleed. You understand me?"
Had she been a different person, Alex's mouth would have dropped open in surprise. As it was, her eyes widened.
"Hurt her? Elliot, what-"
"You heard me."
He nodded, and went back to his wife. Alex stood absolutely still for more than ten minutes, her brain working furiously. Then she ducked around Casey Shraeger, collected two more glasses of wine, and went back out onto the terrace. Olivia was still standing at the balcony.
"That was quick," she said, as she saw the candle-white cast of Alex's hair against the dark of the building. "Did you run out of dance partners so soon?"
Alex came to stand in front of her, and handed her one of the glasses. She smiled, almost shyly, and Olivia smiled back.
"Well, I probably could have found someone," Alex said. "But why waste my time?"
"I'm flattered."
"You should be," Alex said lightly. Olivia laughed. They stepped together, and Olivia put her arms around Alex. The same warm, comfortable feeling Alex had felt earlier flooded back, washed over her like a spring shower. The music was so faint that neither of them were taking their cues from it - they took them from each other.
"You're frozen," Alex said, as Olivia's arm brushed against her shoulder. "What are you doing, lurking out here in the cold?"
"Just thinking," Olivia said. "And avoiding people."
"Oh, mature."
They turned, so that they were parallel to the bank of windows.
"So, something bizarre just happened," Alex said, and had Olivia not known her as well as she did, she might not have heard the shakiness in her otherwise conversational tone. Olivia looked Alex in the eyes.
"Oh?"
"Your partner came over to me and pulled me into a corner."
Olivia groaned inwardly. She did not like the sound of this.
"That sounds suitably dramatic. Go on."
"He told me not to hurt you. In very clear terms."
Olivia made a mental note to kill Elliot. Then she turned back to Alex, who was looking at her with an unreadable expression.
"That is bizarre," Olivia said, in a brave voice. "Clearly, he's had too much to drink."
Their eyes met. The intensity of Alex's gaze surprised Olivia.
Just kiss her, her mind offered. What's the worst that could happen? But 'she doesn't love you back' sifted to the forefront, and so she merely held Alex close to her and breathed in the scent of her hair, and the wild flowers hanging from the trellis, and the acrid city smell she could not escape wherever she went.
"Just don't leave again," Olivia said. They were still staring at each other, and hope made Alex an idiot. She leaned into Olivia and, trying not to think for once in her life, kissed her, just for a second; just for a glorious, golden second. She pulled away, to make sure that she had not seriously misjudged the situation. Olivia's radiant smile suggested otherwise.
"Just don't leave me," she said. Alex could not yet speak, and so merely nodded and smiled her sweetest, shyest smile, and then Olivia held her, wrapping her arms around Alex's shoulders and waist. Alex hugged her back, and then they stepped apart a little and continued to dance - two tall figures, luminous even in the gloom against the night sky.