Well what a surprise I ended up starting another ByakuRen fanfiction :: I was going to start on a Once Upon A Time one and then I got a stupid rush of fuzzies all over me and I just had to but not all is fluffy and romance because my sadistic side wants to play with these two and make them suffer some angst. My poor OTP :: Forgive me Renji. I do love you but I feel the need to torment you a little just so we can see the hot and sexy reward that comes after the fact :: yeah I just said that to a fictional character ::: Lady Grace. (^-^)

Renji wasn't sure what broke his heart more. Knowing that he was always going to be hopelessly be devoted to Byakuya for the rest of his life with nothing in return or that he was far too gutless to say what he was feeling in his heart because he knew Byakuya would reject the words. Either way it didn't matter he was just going to have to deal with it :: he would never leave Byakuya or division six and that was all there was too it.

Renji would sneak looks at Byakuya when they were in the office or doing training. He looked at him with the sheer wonderment of what was going through his captain's head and what he would actually say if Renji so bluntly confessed his heart. He could have thought it was brave and admirable or he could have thought it was nonsense and dismissed the honesty.

He never set out to fall for Byakuya. He wasn't the most pleasant man but over time Renji had fallen deeper and deeper into the chasm of unrequited love. Renji wanted to surpass Byakuya more than anything else but the more Byakuya talked to him and opened up to him the harder it was to keep that goal in his head and heart.

Dignified. Magnificent. Brave. Prideful. Determined. Hauntingly beautiful and still as cold as snow. Renji knew a long time ago that his heart would be shattered by Byakuya Kuchiki. He had suppressed his feelings for such a long time. He tormented himself day after day wishing and hoping that Byakuya would just see it. Wishing Byakuya could see that passion in Renji's heart and eyes and give himself over to him. Why couldn't he just be braver and say what he felt? even if it didn't get the desired result at least he wouldn't be weighed down all the time.

Renji pushed himself to just reach Byakuya's level. It wasn't out of anger or frustration it was out of admiration. Byakuya was incredible. He was strong and agile and he feared so very little. He didn't let emotions get to him or overrule him and Renji wanted to be that too. He wanted to be just as great but he soon found that admiration become something deeper.

He knew all about how Byakuya felt. He knew that living a life of nobility was lonely. He knew that Byakuya would never share his troubles or his burdens. He was far too proud to do such a thing. It didn't matter what the trouble was that scorched Byakuya's soul he would forever walk alone.

Byakuya always felt Renji looking at him. It wasn't just out of curiosity or admiration it was something :: deeper than that. He and Renji had been together for well over two hundred years. They worked as captain and vice captain for such a long time Byakuya couldn't honestly remember what it was like with out him and he didn't want to know what it would have been like without him.

Byakuya was a man of solitude. He spared the feelings of others by shying away from them. He didn't want anyone to get involved in his life. Byakuya knew the closer others got to him the more they would want to help him through his issues but he wouldn't allow.

He had been through quite a lot that involved a lot of loss. His parents, grandfather and Hisana were all gone from his life and even though Byakuya had Rukia it still didn't ease his pain. Byakuya never admitted to his anguish because doing so would mean he was weak. Emotions were for the weak and that was what he was always taught.

Renji was someone that Byakuya was close to. Very close. He trusted Renji more so than one. Renji had been there through every drama. Every fight. Every ache and broken bone. Renji knew him better than anyone else and the thing was that Byakuya hated it because it only made him love Renji all that more.

He knew that it was not acceptable. He knew that falling love with his lieutenant was ridiculous. It wasn't an act that was forbidden but it was unheard of and it was probably not the best idea but for the first time in a very long time Byakuya cared about his own heart.

Renji is reckless. He is an idiot most of the time. He makes poor excuses for running late and if I see another pair of ridiculous sunshades over his beautiful mahogany eyes I will break them in half. He is a fool and yet :: I can't help :: I can't help but fall deeper into this turmoil. Behind all of that. Behind the hot head reactions. Behind the arguments he seems to have with Kurosaki at the worst times he is a man of loyalty and honesty. He is determined to be the best he could be and I know :: I know somewhere inside of him he feels something towards me that he will never speak of. He will never leave me and that I know for a certainty.

It was hard for Byakuya to concentrate on anything. He just needed something to ease it. He need something to relieve him of the pain that he had in his heart. Byakuya knew that Renji was the reason his heart wasn't as dark as it should be. Renji gave him hope and light and Byakuya actually wanted to open up to Renji but he never would. His soul ached desperately but he really couldn't just admit his feelings. It was not okay.

Byakuya would die never feeling what he wanted to feel from Renji all because his pride wouldn't allow him to feel that. He wanted Renji and he knew he would feel anger if Renji was taken by someone else and he couldn't allow that to happen. It was a fight between his heart and his pride. If he didn't make his move and do something about it :: he would never have the one that he deserved and wanted so desperately. He wanted Renji to fill that void and he knew that Renji would be the one that would do that.

The night sky had curtained the soul society and it was time to call it for the day. Byakuya had seen Renji concentrating on the new lieutenants guide that had been released.

"Hey, captain? did you know that according to this handbook a lieutenant is obligated to apply for a captains seat so that if a captain passes away or is exiled the position could instantly be filled?"

Byakuya had heard of no such rule but it seemed to make sense. He removed his ridiculous captains haori and he moved over to Renji's desk. He placed his hand onto the wooden surface and the other hand rested on the back of Renji's chair. His silver eyes looked to the book and read over the new rules that had been released.

"No. I was unaware that it was an obligation"

Byakuya breathed in Renji's scent. He didn't have a signature aroma like Byakuya did but he smelled manly. Renji had a wonderful perfume to him that Byakuya could only describe was the light in Renji's soul. He was a good man and he smelled that way too.

"I am heading home for the rest of the evening now Renji. Good night"

Byakuya pulled away before he became too lost in Renji. He needed to pull away or those words were going to slip from his mouth and he was going to tell Renji how much he needed him and wanted him to be the one that Byakuya shared his heart with.

"Sure. Good night Byakuya. I will be done here soon"

Byakuya left with an almost urgency. He needed to get away from Renji and he needed to escape his heart. Byakuya was not a weak man. He did not give into his heart or emotions. He had a thick wall around him and he wasn't going to allow anyone in. Hisana was someone he loved but she had not loved him in the same way in return. With Renji, Byakuya knew that any love he gave he would get in return. In it's entirety.

***

Renji yawned loudly as he closed the lieutenants guide. He was going to have to decide on what division he was going to apply for since he had to. He wouldn't apply for six because Byakuya was not going to die. Renji didn't want to think about it not even for a moment. Byakuya was the love of his life and he was not going to dare think about Byakuya dying.

When Byakuya had leaned over him Renji had to do his best to hide his formed erection. How he wanted to know how it would feel to have that man sexually dominate him. To take his body and abuse to until his heart was content. It had been such a long time for both of them. The last sexual encounter that Byakuya had was with Hisana and that was nearly two centuries ago and the last time Renji had sex was around a year and half ago and that was simply a one night stand. Renji wanted Byakuya to have every inch of his body and heart and soul.

"What am I doing to myself? This is shit, Renji. Stop doing this. You'll send yourself to an early grave"

"Renji"

Renji practically jumped out of his seat. He heard the voice and at first he thought it was Byakuya but it wasn't. The voice was similar but it had it's differences and Renji clicked :: it was Senbonzakura. His eyes widened a bit when he saw the samurai warrior standing there as clear as day. It had been a long time since he had seen the spiritual manifestation of his own Zanpakuto let alone Byakuya's. Did his captain even know Senbonzakura was unleashed again? Not likely.

"Senbonzakura? what are you doing here or more to the point how the hell are you here?"

"I have very little time. Byakuya's soul and heart is in trouble and he needs your help. You are the only one that can help him. He loves you Renji and if you don't take the leap Byakuya will suffer. You know his pride and he wont do it. Not even if it heals him. Please do something for him Renji"

He didn't get an opportunity to reply to Senbonzakura. He disappeared in a mist. Renji couldn't believe it. Byakuya was in love with him. He needed to see him. He needed to make that first move or they would both die not feeling the love they both deserved.

Byakuya heard Renji's voice beside him his eyes opened and he instantly sat up. Byakuya couldn't believe that Renji was there beside him sitting on his bed. One of the servants much have let him in. Renji and Rukia were the only ones that were allowed in the manor without permission.

"Renji :: what are you doing here? is everything alright?"

Byakuya watched Renji nod his head and in an instant his lips were taken and he was kissed deeply. His body became soft all but in his crotch. Was Renji really there and kissing him? It had to be real. It felt too good to be anything but.

"I need to tell you that I love you because if I don't then I will suffer even more than I already am. I know that you really don't want to let me in and I know that ::"

Byakuya put a stop to Renji's rambling. Under all other circumstances he would have denied his feelings and told Renji that he needed to leave but what he needed and what he yearned for was right there and he was prepared to let Renji go. Not this time and not ever again.

"Stop. I accept those feelings and they are returned. I love you too Renji"

Byakuya had never imagined he would say those words. He didn't even know if he was going to be able to love Renji without real practice. He did love Renji but it was going to take time to show it. Affection didn't come easy to Byakuya but he wasn't going to risk losing Renji by pulling away. He needed him.