I was sitting around with my sister watching Dude, Where's My Car last night. This is the result.
Obviously, I own nothing about the Twilight world. Actually, I own nothing except my laptop and two adorable kittens.
"Dude, where's my car?"
"Where's your car, dude?"
"That's what I'm asking you, dumbass!" Paul was not in a good mood.
"Don't blame me, asswipe - the last thing I remember is hitting Shorty's." Jared peered down the street, as if attempting to summon the car through sheer force of will.
"Fuck! Is that the place with all those clowns?" Paul scratched his neck thoughtfully. He vaguely remembered taking Jell-O shots off the chest of some girl who was laid back on a clown-themed pinball machine.
"Yeah, you met that white chick, remember? She had a hard-on for Native men? Bought us drinks?" Jared sat down on the curb and stretched his legs into the empty space where Paul's car used to be.
"Maybe." Paul scratched his neck again. "God, my head is fucking killing me… did she have bangs like this?" He made a sweeping gesture across his forehead.
"Dude." Jared's mouth hung open.
"What? That wasn't her? She wasn't a dude, was she? Shit! Did I make out with him?"
"No, dude!" Jared pointed directly at Paul. "Your neck! What the fuck is that?"
"What? What?" Paul frantically tried to locate the source of Jared's concern, craning his neck one direction than the other. "A spider?"
"Dude." Jared shook his head. "That is one butt-ugly tattoo. What is that, a devil?"
Paul ran to the nearest car and attempted to check his neck in the passenger side mirror. He stared at the cheesy looking devil for a full minute before speaking. "What the hell happened last night?"
"All I know is you got yourself one ugly-ass tattoo and now your car is missing." Jared scratched his stomach. "And I'm starving."
"We have to retrace our steps and see if anything clicks." Paul tore his eyes from the tattoo. "I have to find that car or my mother is going to kill me."
"Works for me, dude. Too bad we can't just phase and run. The city kind of sucks."
"Yeah."
They started walking.
Shorty's bar was almost empty, with only a few miserable looking men sitting inside. The bartender, a white guy in his mid-20s, looked up from his sidework when they walked in. He smiled in recognition.
"Hey! Paul and Jared! Did you enjoy your prize?"
The wolf boys looked at each other.
"Prize?" Paul ventured.
"Yeah," the bartender looked confused. "You know, from the karaoke." He looked behind them. "Where's Cathy?"
"Cathy?" Jared spoke this time.
"She sang Fergie's part in 'Let's Get Retarded' with you." He paused. "I thought you guys knew her…" The bartenders stopped chopping limes and gave them a suspicious look.
Paul gave a quick 'follow my lead' look to Jared and dived in.
"Oh, Cathy, Cathy. Right. I thought you said, um, Nessie. We, uh, lost her number. You don't know where we could find her, do you?"
The bartender hesitated. "She works over at that vintage store sometimes… La Frock. Are you sure you know her?"
Jared gave his best blandishing smile. "Of course, bro. Brain gets a little slow after a night of Petroning. You know how it goes."
The bartender gave a nodded. "I feel you, bro."
Outside the bar, Paul was in take-charge mode. "Okay, so we track down the bangs girl – Cathy – and see if she knows what happened to my car."
Jared's stomach growled. "Can we stop and eat first?"
Paul rolled his eyes. "Fine. Where?"
Jared shrugged. "Anything is good, dude, I just need to eat." He pointed at the hotdog place next to Shorty's. "Here."
Spike's Junkyard Dogs had a few more people milling around than Shorty's and they were slightly less miserable but clearly Jared and Paul weren't the only ones attempting to banish their hangovers with hotdogs.
"I know hotdogs aren't from real dogs but it still feels kind of weird ordering them because of, you know…wolves and dogs are related." Jared said as he perused the menu.
They were next to order. The cute Indian girl behind the counter smiled when she saw them. "Double dogs and kraut, right?" She pointed at Jared. "And a chili dog for you." Her eyes flicked up and down as she checked Paul out. "Nice tattoo, you get that last night?"
"How did you know?" Jared asked while Paul covered the abomination on his neck with one hand.
"A girl doesn't forget a $20 tip."
"Twenty dollars?" Jared blanched.
"Yeah, because you said you wanted me to handle your hotdogs? And then I said, 'maybe later' and you said you would come back…" She trailed off. "You must have been really drunk."
Paul was getting increasingly frustrated. "Look, you don't remember if we were with a girl, do you?"
"Yeah, Cathy. You guys were talking about some afterparty she was taking to you… or something… so, do you guys want those hot dogs or not?"
Jared checked his pockets and pulled out a wad of dollar bills and some paper. "Definitely," grinned Jared and winked at her.
Ellen gave him a relieved smile and rang up their order.
Paul still fuming, the boys took their food over to the seating area and, in between bites of hotdog, contemplated their next move.
"So, should we try La Frock? See if that Cathy girl is there?" Paul licked chili off his fingers. "She must have ditched us and took the car at that afterparty."
"Probably, dude." Jared took another bite. "But when I was paying I found something in my pocket." With mustardy fingers, Jared pulled out a business card for a club – Hexen's Hammer was printed on it in loopy purple ink. He flipped it over. On the back was scrawled 'Help me.'
Paul's eyes widened, his anger briefly forgotten. "Shit, dude."
"I know, dude," Jared said, his mouth full of sauerkraut. "I hope that Cathy girl isn't in trouble and it was somebody else who jacked your car."
"I just can't believe we got so drunk." Paul crumpled his soda cup with a little too much force and sent ice chips flying. "We're wolves – with superpowers and shit. I haven't blacked out since I changed."
"Me, either."
"We need to find her. La Frock first and then we'll find this club."
Jared shoved the last bite of hotdog into his mouth. "Agreed."
Ellen had been more than happy to tell Jared where La Frock was, as long as he promised to remember her this time, and the boys found it pretty quickly. The basement storefront was artistically cluttered with vintage prom dresses and a bin filled with scarves and gloves. The boys looked at each other warily.
"Let's just get this over with," Paul said.
Jared shuddered as they entered. "It's so… sparkly in here," he stage whispered.
Peppy 1960s pop music blared to life over the store's speaker system. Jared started at the sudden noise and knocked over a rack of hats.
A bleached blond head popped up from behind the counter. "Can I help you with something?" the clerk snorted disgustedly.
"We're looking for Cathy. Tell us where she is." Paul growled as Jared frantically tried to pick up all the hats.
The clerk cocked his head in surprise at Paul's tone but then shook it off. "She didn't come in this morning, the bitch." He rolled his eyes prissily as he stood up. "What do you want with Cathy, anyway? You don't look like her type. She's always bringing in those clean-cut Christian boys trying to de-gay me."
"She has my car."
"She jacked your car? Oh, my god! That is so worth hearing about. Miss Goody-Two Shoes is a car thief." He clapped his hands. "Tell me more!"
Paul took a step back. "We might have been at Hexen's Hammer. Do you know where it is?"
"And she goes clubbing… Hexen's Hammer, Isn't that some sort of bondage club?"
"Bondage?"
"I don't know, sugar, but I do know that Cathy hangs out with those crazy religious types over at the Genesis Café. You could try asking there…although if you don't find her, come back and see me. I love a man with tattoos."
The Genesis Café was a hole-in-the wall coffee shop packed full of caffeine junkies looking for an afternoon cappuccino and pastry fix.
Paul and Jared looked around for a group of obvious religious freaks but everybody looked normal - lumberjack looking guys, a couple of white hipster families, and a girl in a red shirt reading a novel. There was no giant sign with 'You're Going to Hell' written on it and nobody was muttering to themselves.
The guy with the white-boy dreads and the overpowering smell of patchouli had no idea who Cathy was and was unimpressed with their order of 'two glasses of tap water.'
"You can pour your own water there," he pointed to a pitcher of water and some glasses over to one side of the café. "They're for customers, only."
Jared bought an over-priced and under-sized banana-nut muffin and the boys went to pour their water.
"This really sucks, dude. It's like 4 o'clock and we're not closer to finding my car, Cathy, or this Hexen's Hammer place. I don't even care about that 'help me' message anymore. Either our car is gone or somebody is trying to play us and I don't play games."
Jared crammed the muffin into his mouth. "Should we just get the bus back to Port Angeles?"
"Do we have enough for bus tickets? We could always run back – probably be faster."
"Yeah. We'll have to wait for night, though."
Paul noticed a couple of people giving them the stink-eye and gave a low growl. He could give these white folk something to be really scared of. "Let's go find somewhere to wait until dark."
They finished their water and went outside. Without anything better to do, they decided to head back to Shorty's and get a few beers and maybe chat up Ellen again. The late afternoon sun lit up the streets and the last vestiges of their hangovers were disappearing.
After a couple of blocks, Paul stopped to check out the window display of a cigar store.
"You want a blunt?" Jared asked, perking up.
"No, I think we're being followed… Don't turn around! Just look in the reflection on the other side of the street. The girl in the red shirt…"
"The girl window shopping?" Jared asked.
"Yeah. She was at the café and now she's here. She stopped when we stopped."
"What do you want to do?"
"Coincidence or not. I'm really fucking tired of playing detective and I want my car."
The girl, who had been casually window shopping at a hardware store, looked startled to see Paul and Jared crossing the street to meet her. She flicked her eyes back and forth down the street.
"Do you know Cathy?" Paul didn't waste any time.
"Cathy?" She seemed nervous.
"Yeah, Cathy." Jared was ready to play good cop. "She hangs out at that café?"
"No, I don't know a Cathy."
"Cut the crap. You haven't been following us because you want a fucking autograph. You know Hexen's Hammer." Paul's hands were beginning to tremble and Jared put a hand on his shoulder.
"No!" The girl took a step back. "I mean, I know where it is… my friend is there."
"Your friend? Why don't you tell us everything you know and maybe we can help." Jared stepped in front of Paul and pulled the girl away from him. If anything happened here in the middle of the street, Sam would never forgive them.
"Yeah, we, I mean, she got mixed up with this group and I thought they were cool at first but then they started talking about evil and pollutants in God's natural plan and I got freaked but Jenny kept going. I wait around sometimes at Genesis to see if she'll come in. She stopped talking to me when I stopped going to meetings but I keep hoping…" The girl looked sad. "But she took me once… to Hexen's Hammer."
"Where is it?"
"I'll show you."
"Why were you following us?" Jared asked as they walked towards her car.
"I heard you at the café." She smiled grimly. "My friend is missing, too."
Hexen's Hammer was in a warehouse on the outskirts of town. Rachel, the girl in the red shirt, hadn't been lying. Paul and Jared had tried to convince her to wait in the car, but she insisted on coming with them.
"You don't know what Jenny looks like," she had said, simply.
They parked a few blocks away and snuck around the back.
Jared spotted Paul's car parked along the side of the building. "Dude, your car!"
Paul had a brief moment of just wanting to drive home and leave this behind but they had come this far… they may as well see it through.
Rachel shushed them. "Security guards," she hissed.
Around the corner, there were two beefy, bald white guys loitering around outside the door – nothing Jared and Paul couldn't handle. Jared mouthed 'wait here' at Rachel and two wolf boys casually strutted over towards the front.
"Hey, bro!" Jared gave a fake-preppy greeting to the guys. "What's the happs? How about those Mariners?"
The two security guards looked at each other. "What are you doing here?"
"We're just here for the party, bro!" Jared made a move towards the door.
"You didn't get enough last night?" The other guard cracked his knuckles.
"No," said Paul. "We don't remember last night."
"I remember kicking your ass," said the first guard. "And I'm going to enjoy doing it again. I just don't know why Mother let you go but if it means I get to beat up twice as much mutant wolf ass, then I don't care."
The mutant comment caught Jared and Paul off-guard, which is the only reason that the second security guard landed a punch. He popped Jared right on the jaw. The guard got one second to gloat before he and the other one were pinned to the ground by two wolf boys at full strength.
"Now, you're going to tell us what you know." Paul dug his knee into the guard's back.
"We know you're an abomination. God has cursed you and all your kind and Mother is working to make sure you are all destroyed."
"Who is this Mother person?"
"You are an abomination." At that Paul cracked the man's head into the ground, knocking him out cold. Jared did the same.
Rachel came around the corner slowly. "What were they talking about? Abomination?"
"I don't know." Jared shot a glance a Paul. "But they're clearly freaks. You were mixed up with these guys?"
"I only came here once," Rachel said warily, watching as Paul dragged the two unconscious men off to the side.
"I want to get to the bottom of this. Now." Paul growled, wiping his hands clean on his pants. "We're going in."
The inside of Hexen's Hammer was nothing like the outside. Instead of the trashy semi-legal warehouse club they were expecting, the interior was done up with velvet curtains on the cement walls and lights carefully hidden away, giving an eerie ambiance. The door clicked shut behind them.
"I apologize for my deception, boys," said Rachel. "But I had to make sure you would be joining us."
"WHAT IS GOING ON?" roared Paul, starting to tremble. "You do not want to mess with us, girl."
Rachel took a step forward. "Oh, that won't do you any good. You see, God is protecting me. He is watching out for all my children. I wasn't ready for you yesterday when my dear Cathy brought you to me as an offering, so I had to let you go but now I am prepared."
"Prepared for what?" The normally unflappable Jared had a steely-edge to his voice. "You really don't want to mess with us."
Rachel clapped her hands and a mesh net dropped from the ceiling over top of them.
Paul and Jared exchanged a look. It was time to phase.
They stood there while Rachel watched in amusement. "Having problems? That net is pure silver coated with a special mixture of herbs specially designed to repel demonic energies."
She clapped her hands again and a couple of minions emerged. One, a tall, weedy boy was holding a giant book bound with a tarnished metal clasp. The other, a girl with hipster bangs, was holding a red velvet pillow. And on the pillow was a dagger.
"You boys remember Cathy, don't you?" Rachel gestured to the girl. "She is the one who found you and brought you to me. It seems that demonic wolf boys don't check to see what is in the shots they're drinking if a pretty girl is buying."
"You drugged us?" yelled Paul. "And is this tattoo is your fault, too?"
"We marked you as demon spawn last night – to show the world who you are." Rachel shrugged. "And the ink also contained a toxin that stimulates memory loss."
"Wait, I'm tattooed, too?" Jared tried to flail against the mesh net.
"Check your stomach, imbecile."
Jared lifted up his shirt to see the same corny looking devil that marked Paul's neck. "What the fuck, yo! Alright, you can steal Paul's car and drug me and trap me up in some stupid fish net but you do not put an ugly-ass devil on my stomach!"
Rachel smirked at them. "So, what are you going to do about it? Yell at me?" She gestured to her minions. "Alex, my book – page 749, exorcism."
The tall, weedy boy gave a wary look to the trapped wolves but opened the book for his Mother. She began to chant in Latin.
"You don't know anything, bitch. You may think that crusty-ass European book says something about werewolves but we're Indians. We were here way before your people came over and started killing us. And the ones who are left? We're strong. We're tough. We outlasted your whips and chains and diseases." Jared paused for breath. "And I'm going to imprint on you."
Rachel kept chanting.
"And you know what that means, don't you? You'll never get a second's rest. You will become the focus of my life and I'll become the focus of yours. Any time you turn around, I'll be there and you'll want to have sex with me. You won't be able to think because you'll want me so much." Jared began chanting in Quileute.
Paul looked at the quiet Cathy and pointed. "And I'm going to imprint on YOU!" He joined Jared in the chanting. They began to do a modified version of the tribal dance Quil's mom had shown them once and with each arm swing, they pushed the mesh net a little further up and over them.
Rachel kept chanting. Alex and Cathy looked more and more worried.
With one last arm swing, they flung the net off. Alex and Cathy dropped everything took off running but Rachel closed her eyes and continued to chant.
"You are the freak," said Jared as he grabbed Rachel's arms and held them behind her back. "God made everybody a little bit different—Wolf, Human, Red, White, Gay, Straight. I don't remember Jesus having an 'uptight bitches only' sign on the gates of heaven."
Paul got right in her face. "Now, how can we make sure you're never going to do this again. It's just too bad Sam gave us orders not to kill humans." He stripped off his shirt and shorts. "I'll just phase real quick and ask him if he can't allow us to make an exception."
A giant wolf appeared where Paul had been standing but Rachel kept her eyes closed and kept chanting.
"You are one crazy bitch," said Jared, while he waited for Paul to turn back. "Why go through all this trouble? What did we ever do to you?"
Rachel didn't answer.
Paul phased back. "Sam says to let her go and come home."
"We're just supposed to let her get away with it?"
"What can we do? We operate under the law as it is. We're only supposed to kill vampires and it's not like the police will believe this. Especially not coming from us – two big Indian boys tell them that some little white girl drugged and kidnapped them?"
Jared thought for a minute. "Did Sam say anything about destruction of property?"
Paul grinned. "He said he knew nothing about it."
"Excellent."
They bound and gagged Rachel, phased, and proceeded to have a good, old time trashing the warehouse club and everything in it. They took turns pissing on the book.
When they were done, they phased back and untied Rachel.
"We have to be going now," Paul said, "but we'll know if you've been up to anything. We imprinted on you, remember? Your thoughts are ours now."
Rachel spit at their feet. "Abomination."
"Sure, sure," said Jared. "Abomination is my middle name."
"And don't go bothering that gay kid who works at La Frock. He's with us."
Rachel screamed with frustration as the wolf boys strutted out of the building to Paul's car.
They took off on the highway back towards the Olympic Peninsula.
"I hate Seattle," said Paul as they passed the city limits.
"Me, too," said Jared.
"Why did we even come here?"
"To get away from the Sam/Leah/Emily/Jake/Bella mess of misery and disgust."
"Oh, yeah."
"I kind of miss Smelly Belly."
"Yeah. She never drugged us and made us sing Black-Eyed Peas songs."
"I wonder what the prize was," said Jared. "I bet we kicked ass."
"I don't know," said Paul. "Is there anything in the back seat?"
Jared reached his long arm over the back to fish around. "I think I found it, dude, and it totally makes the whole thing worth while."
In his hand was a ceramic clown drinking a beer.