The Incident At Mr Pibbles' Pub

by Red Witch

What was supposed to be a fun celebration of Ray getting his pilot's license turns into another typical disaster and a fight for survival for the agency.

The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters was eaten by one of Krieger's creatures. Just a mad thought that came through my head on what happened when Ray got his pilot's license.

The Incident At Mr. Pibbles' Pub

The latest disaster started the way things usually started for the agency.

Basically everyone looking for an excuse to ditch work and go to a bar.

It was barely even noon when Mallory Archer heard the commotion outside her office. Even though she couldn't clearly hear the conversations because the door was closed she knew that general tone well enough.

Her son was leading the charge for the gang of idiots to sneak out of work early and go to a bar.

"They're not even being subtle about it anymore," Mallory grumbled to herself as she went to check out what was going on.

"All right you slackers!" Mallory called out as she saw her employees heading out the door. "Where the hell are you going? It's only noon! Even you morons can't get drunk that early for no reason!"

"But we do have a reason to get drunk!" Cheryl spoke up cheerfully.

"Ray officially got his pilot's license," Lana said.

"And we're all going out to celebrate!" Pam added.

"Since when is it such a big deal that Tinkerbell can fly?" Mallory asked in an acid tone. "She's been screwing up and screwing around the runways for years!"

"You know…?" Ray growled.

"Mother even I know that it would help our agency if we have at least one agent with an actual pilot's license," Archer remarked. "Instead of one made up in Krieger's lab. No offense Krieger."

"None taken," Krieger said. "My fake ID skills have been a bit subpar lately."

"This is a good thing for us," Archer said.

"And a good excuse for you to have a drink," Mallory folded her arms.

"Well duh," Archer said.

"Thank you for your support," Ray gave him a look.

"So basically you're all going to leave early and skip work, again!" Mallory growled.

"What work? The CIA hasn't called in weeks!" Lana protested. "And just standing by the phone isn't going to make them call any faster."

Mallory didn't want to admit it but Lana had a point. She pursed her lips contemplating a harsh remark. But then it occurred to her that she honestly had nothing to do in the office today.

Calling the CIA again would make her look desperate. Calling around for new agents that wouldn't return or join her agency made her feel desperate. And her desperate attempts to build up her fragile standing in society were fruitless to put it mildly.

Not to mention her office was running dangerously low on Scotch.

"On the other hand it is a nice day and I really don't want to stay in the office," Mallory sighed. "Oh what the hell? Let's go celebrate Ramona getting her wings."

"You're running low on Scotch again aren't you?" Archer asked.

"Not just Scotch. Almost my entire bar stock is depleted," Mallory admitted as she went to get her coat. "And since I have to go out anyway…"

"Mother's coming. Hooray," Archer said sarcastically.

"Since technically this is still a work day and you all work for me then yes!" Mallory snapped as she walked out of her office with her coat and purse. "Unless you'd all like to go back to work…"

"Uh…" Archer paused. "Come on Mother! Can't wait for you to join us!"

"That's what I thought!" Mallory glared at her son. "Come on. Wait where are we going?"

"There's a new bar that opened up about three blocks from here," Cyril explained. "Mr. Pibbles' Pub."

"I've heard of that," Mallory realized. "Isn't that that high end chain out of London? The one where some duke and a few members of the royal family invested in?"

"The same," Pam nodded. "And Cheryl's family are also invested in it so she's got some swag down there. Got us a private room and everything."

"Huh," Mallory hated to admit it but she was slightly impressed. "Why the sudden gesture of generosity Cheryl?"

"Besides an excuse to get out of work and get hammered?" Cheryl snorted. "I kind of had to since we can't go to any other stupid bar within a ten block radius from this dump!"

"And at least a quarter of the bars in New York City…" Ray admitted.

"Just say New York," Archer corrected.

"Since we're banned from Hannigan's, O'Malley's, O'Tooles', O'Donnell's, O'Hara's, O'Henry's, O'Flannery's, Flim-Flam's, 23 Skidoo, Duke's Den, The Emperor's Club, Bridge Café, Ear Inn, McSorley's Old Ale House, Barley's New Ale House, Poppers, The King Cole Bar…" Pam listed off the bars they were banned from.

"Don't remind me about the King Cole Bar…" Ray groaned.

"That was the worst agency awards dinner we ever had," Cyril remembered.

"And the last," Ray sighed. "For so many reasons…"

"The Four Seasons Bar," Pam went on. "The Four Brothers' Bar…"

"Technically we're not banned from that one," Archer corrected. "It was shut down."

"Due to the health department and a sight case of exploding mice," Cyril gave Krieger a look.

"What?" Krieger blinked.

"Impy's Inferno…" Pam went on.

"Again technically not banned," Archer corrected. "Because of an actual inferno!" He glared at Cheryl.

"What?" Cheryl asked.

"McSwiggin's Pub," Pam added.

"I don't remember that one," Lana spoke up.

"Uh that one is on me," Archer coughed. "I learned the hard way that alcohol, fire, prostitutes and a lemur that didn't have its shots are a bad combination. My bad."

"High Stakes Bar and Grille," Pam went on.

"Again that was me," Archer said. "Kind of got into a little gunfight with the owner. And technically that's more of an actual restaurant than a bar so…"

"T-Bone's Bar," Pam added.

"Okay that one I don't remember," Archer frowned.

"Yeah that one is on me," Pam frowned. "Long story. Don't want to get into it. Let's just say I won't be doing any fish fighting there anytime soon."

"You people are degenerates," Mallory sniffed.

Pam gave Mallory a look. "The Pen Top Bar and Terrace?"

"Oh right," Mallory winced. "That was on me. My bad."

"We're also banned for life from Grizzlebee's," Pam added. "All locations all over the world."

"Who cares about that dump?" Mallory snapped. "Should have let Cheryl burn it to the ground!"

"Duh!" Cheryl folded her arms.

"Worst company awards lunch ever," Lana grumbled.

"And the last company awards lunch ever," Cyril groaned.

"Ugliest waitresses I ever saw," Archer grumbled. "I could barely even hit on them to be polite! My heart just wasn't in it."

"No big loss," Ray admitted. "Their onion rings sucked. And the waiters weren't even cute."

Pam finished up. "And since we're also banned from about seven or eight other joints we thought we'd try someplace new."

"Where our reputation is unknown and our bar tabs have not yet started," Ray quipped.

"Smart move," Mallory admitted. "Well what are we waiting for? Let's get this fairy wing party started!"

"Oh yeah, just what I want at any party of mine," Ray grumbled. "Let the gay bashing begin!"

"Oh like you're the only one she's going to do that to!" Pam snorted.

Not long after the gang was in a fairly well decorated private room with a bar. The entire gang was sitting at a table eating and drinking.

"This is pretty sweet Cheryl!" Pam cheered as she chomped on a huge pile of fried popcorn shrimp in front of her.

"Better appetizers than The King Cole Bar," Archer admitted as he had some buffalo wings in front of him. He took a drink. "Drinks are just as good too."

"Do not remind me about The King Cole Bar!" Mallory bristled. "I still can't show my face in that place ever again thanks to you idiots!"

"Mother it was nine years ago," Archer groaned. "Get over it!"

"Yeah and to be fair it wasn't all our fault," Pam added. "Brett and a few other guys started that gun fight."

"One of the few times Brett wasn't shot ironically," Ray remembered.

"But almost everyone else in that bar that night was," Lana groaned as she drank her club soda.

"I thought we agreed to never, ever talk about that horrible night again?" Cyril moaned.

"We did!" Archer said. "So shut it!"

"You're the one who brought it up," Cheryl reminded him.

"Shut up!" Archer shouted.

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl shouted at him.

"You want me to shove these Buffalo wings down your throat?" Archer shouted.

"YES!" Cheryl cheered.

"Oh well then never mind," Archer backed down.

"Tease!" Cheryl pouted and folded her arms.

Then she noticed something. "Ooh! What nice big sharp knives they have." Cheryl picked one up and started to admire it.

"Both of you shut up!" Mallory snapped. "God this is exactly how the King Cole Bar incident started."

"And a few other incidents," Pam admitted.

"Uh oh…" Krieger looked around. "I seem to have misplaced something. Uh I'd better check the men's room!" He ran off.

"What's his problem?" Mallory asked.

"That implies he only has one," Pam snorted as she took a drink. "Let's drink to Ray!"

"About freaking time," Archer raised his glass. "To Ray! For giving us a new excuse to drink!"

"Well that's more than what you've done lately so…" Mallory gave a disdainful look at her son.

"Seriously Ray, it's a major accomplishment and we're all proud of you," Lana said.

"Let's not overdo it Lana," Mallory rolled her eyes.

"Well most of us are proud of you," Lana glared at Mallory.

"Uh I don't really care," Cheryl sighed. "I just want a drink."

"Yeah same here," Archer admitted.

"Well some of us are proud of you!" Lana snapped. "Right Cyril? Cyril!"

"Huh? Were you talking to me Lana?" Cyril looked depressed.

"Nice to have supportive co-workers," Ray grumbled as he took a drink. "Yeah, really makes all the hard work I've put in worthwhile."

"Geeze La Rue Cyril! You look like a sad sack of sad," Pam downed her beer. "Even more than usual. What's your problem?"

"That would imply he only has one," Ray quipped.

"Guys, do you ever have the feeling that your life is pointless?" Cyril sighed. "That you're just rushing headlong into oblivion for no reason and there's nothing you can do about it? That everything you've ever done means absolutely nothing?"

"Well we do now!" Ray snapped. "Thank you very much Debbie Downer!"

"What brought that on?" Pam asked.

"I was just thinking…"Cyril sighed.

"Why start now?" Mallory quipped as she downed her drink.

"The more our lives change the more things stay the same," Cyril groaned.

"Geeze somebody needs to get laid," Pam rolled her eyes.

"He does have a point. We spend more time in the bar getting drunk than on missions!" Ray snapped. "Oh great now Cyril's got me doing it!"

"Oh dear God you're right," Mallory groaned. "And those missions both official and unofficial haven't exactly been…I need another drink!" She walked away from the group and off to the bar.

"Come on guys we have done some good over the years," Archer waved.

"Name one thing!" Cyril snapped.

"What about Skytanic? We saved that blimp from being blown up!" Lana suggested. "Of course we did bomb Wales. Completely destroyed a dairy farm and put it out of business."

"And a lot of those people on that blimp had to go to the hospital," Pam spoke up. "You know? After the crash landing. Because one of the guys who flew the damn thing was shot by the other guy who jumped out of the blimp."

"And we wouldn't have been there in the first place if my mother hadn't decided to call in a bomb threat," Archer said. "Of course that Captain Lammers guy would have still put the bomb on it so…It's a toss-up."

"Well didn't you guys get some kind of microfilm or something from the Russians and enemy agents?" Pam asked. "Stuff like that?"

"We did but…" Lana sighed.

"Let's just say we lost some stuff and leave it at that," Archer groaned. "Nobody's fault."

"It was completely your fault!" Lana snapped.

"Point is we recovered stuff and enemy agents got some stuff from us…" Archer waved his arms. "So it's kind of a wash."

"Maybe if you weren't chasing tail instead of doing your job…" Lana barked.

"My job requires me to chase tail!" Archer shouted.

"No it doesn't!" Lana barked.

"We must have saved some lives or something," Ray muttered.

"I think we killed more people than we saved," Lana sighed. "Like that space station mission? Where we ended up stranding Barry the psychopathic cyborg!"

"Who killed at least half of the population on that station," Ray remarked.

"Well the ones that were left after we killed a few," Archer admitted. "You know? When we invaded the station with who we thought were the good guys that turned out to be the bad guys? And Cyril blew a few guys away. Including a black astronaut."

"Well he was a bad guy!" Cyril protested.

"Yeah but still…" Archer shrugged. Then he saw something. "Oh boy…"

"What?" Pam said. She then noticed a brown haired woman with lightly tanned skin in an expensive red dress and gold necklace walk in. With ten very big, very muscular men in expensive suits following her.

"Uh oh," Archer winced. "This could be a problem."

"One of your old flames that you burned?" Lana quipped.

"Not exactly," Archer winced.

"Sterling Archer," The woman walked over to them.

"Hey Julie," Archer downed his glass. "How's Tricks?"

"Don't you dare mention Tricks so casually after what you did to her!" Julie snarled. "Do you have any idea how much it cost me to pay for her medical bills? It turns out lemur bites on the groin area can be very dangerous! And expensive!"

"Oh this is going to be fun!" Ray rolled his eyes and he took another drink.

"How many times do I have to apologize for what my lemur did?" Archer groaned.

"Once would be nice!" Julie snapped.

"Not going to happen," Archer snorted.

"Just what I want at my party," Ray quipped. "A show."

"Because of you three of my best girls are laid up…" Julie began.

"Phrasing," Archer quipped. "Wait does that count?"

"And I'm not even going to get into what you did in Las Vegas!" Julie snapped.

"Vegas?" Lana asked.

"My escort service is a global organization," Julie explained. "Let's just say FIFA is one of our biggest accounts. And even they aren't as depraved as you are!"

"Sterling what's going on?" Mallory walked over with a drink in her hand. "Don't tell me this is another one of your whores you defiled?"

"No, this is the head of the escort service who wants her money!" Julie snapped. "For the whores he defiled."

"She supplies the whores for FIFA," Pam spoke up.

"What the hell is FIFA?" Mallory asked. "Some kind of French brothel organization?"

"It's the worldwide soccer organization," Cyril explained.

"Lame stupid sport," Archer waved.

"And this is from a lacrosse fan," Ray quipped.

"Lacrosse will make it big one day! The sport is just being pushed out by the baseball and football corporations!" Archer snapped. "It just needs some decent backers!"

"Maybe Julie here can sponsor it?" Pam suggested.

"Hey guys! We have a bit of a problem!" Krieger ran up. "I kind of lost…some things."

"Not now Krieger!" Mallory snapped. She turned to Julie. "How much does Sterling owe you?"

"Well for starters his tab is three million dollars," Julie snapped. "Plus over ten million dollars in damages!"

"Thirteen million dollars?" Mallory shouted. She glared at her son. "How the hell did you end up owing over thirteen million dollars to a pimp?"

"Head of an escort service!" Julie corrected.

"Oh what's the difference?" Mallory scoffed.

"Higher tax bracket," Julie said.

Mallory thought a moment. "Fair enough. So Sterling would you care to explain yourself? And this ridiculous tab you've accumulated!"

"You'd be surprised how those charges add up," Archer shrugged. "She nickels and dimes you on little things…"

"Like hospital bills?" Julie snapped. "One of my girls broke her leg because of you!"

"All right I admit the thing with the trampoline was my idea," Archer sighed. "And in hindsight that thing with the lemur wasn't that good either…"

"So that's how you owe more in damages than in actually getting laid," Ray groaned.

"And I admit I had absolutely no plan when it came to the coconuts and the skeet shooting and the roller coaster…" Archer began.

"God Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "Does your depravity know no bounds?"

"So if you don't mind I'd like as much of my thirteen million dollars as possible right now!" Julie snapped.

"This douchebag doesn't even have thirteen dollars much less thirteen million!" Pam laughed as she pointed at Archer.

"Uh Mother…?" Archer gulped.

"Nooooopppee," Mallory glared at her son. "You got yourself into this! You get yourself out!"

"Really Mallory Archer?" Julie glared at Mallory. "Have you forgotten those favors I did for you? That little incident in Tijuana a few years ago ring a bell? And that finder's fee for getting you in contact with Moreno?"

"Oh," Realization hit Mallory. "You're that Julie."

"I am," Julie glared at Mallory.

"To be fair we never met in person before," Mallory shrugged. "And no offense but you sound a lot older on the phone."

"I get that a lot," Julie said.

"How did you know we were here?" Mallory asked.

"When no one answered at your office I checked all bars within a ten block radius of your building," Julie said. "And surprise, this was the only one that you weren't banned from! Plus I know about Cheryl Tunt's involvement with her company and all…"

"Oh," Mallory frowned.

"FYI I also merged his bill with yours so that's where the thirteen million comes in," Julie said.

"You really do nickel and dime things don't you?" Mallory grumbled.

"As the head of your little criminal gang…" Julie began.

"Freelance CIA spy agency!" Mallory snapped.

"Oh what's the difference?" Julie snorted.

"Not that much as it turns out," Cyril sighed.

"Look obviously I don't have thirteen million dollars on me…" Mallory began.

"That's why I brought these guys with me!" Julie indicated her thugs. "So they can help you two find your checkbooks!"

"Uh guys…" Krieger was looking around nervously.

"Not now Krieger!" Mallory snapped.

"But…" Krieger began.

"Zip it!" Mallory ordered.

"And don't bother running for help!" Julie snapped. "We closed down the bar out front."

"So you don't need me?" The Bartender gulped.

"Actually we do," A goon said. "Breaking legs and beating people up is thirsty work."

"Uh Carol…?" Archer asked. "Can we borrow thirteen million dollars?"

"No!" Cheryl laughed. "I wanna see you guys break their legs! YEAH!"

"Cheryl Tunt I presume?" Julie sighed.

"Let me guess," Ray spoke up. "You know her family?"

"Unfortunately," Julie sighed. "Some of them owe me money too but for the opposite reason."

She turned to her goons. "So guys try not to hurt her because half her family is into that!"

"But we can hurt the rest of them right boss?" One goon asked.

"Oh yeah," Julie nodded.

"They get beat up instead of me! No fair!" Cheryl pouted.

"Whoa! Whoa! Why us?" Cyril shouted. "We didn't do anything!"

"Yeah it's Ms. Archer and her asshole offspring you want!" Pam spoke up. "What did we do?"

"I had some stock in the Excelsior," Julie glared at them.

"Oh," Lana winced. "But that wasn't our fault. Technically! We did stop the bomb!"

"And wrecked the blimp when it landed!" Julie snapped. "Plus I also had some financial holdings and business deals in San Marcos. Until it got bombed!"

"Oh…" Cyril gulped. "Again technically not our fault. It was the CIA…"

"And my cousin Trish told me all about you idiots and what you did on the International Space Station!" Julie shouted.

"Trish is your cousin? That explains the tone," Lana grumbled.

"So yes I do have a particular axe to grind when it comes to…" Julie began when something inhuman screeched. "What the hell was that?"

"Oh I know that sound," Ray winced. "Too well…"

"Krieger please tell me you didn't bring another one of your insane radioactive animal experiments to this bar!" Mallory shouted.

"No," Krieger protested. "Well they're not radioactive anyway."

"They're…? Krieger what did you do?" Mallory shouted.

"More importantly what did you bring?" Lana shouted.

"I only brought two of them," Krieger admitted.

"Two of what?" Lana shouted.

Suddenly one of the goons, an extremely heavy one screamed. "Something ran up my leg! AAAAAHH!"

It seemed like the thug had a severe electric shock. "Shocky! Bad electric squirrel! Bad electric squirrel!" Krieger shouted.

"Why the hell would you bring an electric squirrel to a bar?" Ray asked.

"I didn't bring an electric squirrel to the bar!" Krieger shouted.

"AAAAHH!" Something electric jumped on that same thug.

"I brought two electric squirrels to the bar," Krieger said.

"Why would you do that?" Ray snapped. "Better yet, why would you make electric squirrels in the first place?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?" Krieger blinked.

The thug fell to the ground. A loud squeak was heard. "Barney?!" One of the thugs ran to his fallen companion. "He's dead!"

"Damn you all to hell! My squirrel is dead!" Krieger yelled.

"I was talking about Barney you asshole!" The thug snapped. "Your stupid squirrel electrocuted him!"

Then the thug looked at the body. "Oh and your squirrel is dead too. Barney killed him when he fell on him."

"Where the hell did the other one go?" Another thug looked around nervously.

"Eh I'm sure it's around here somewhere," Pam shrugged.

"Well somebody owes me a squirrel!" Krieger shouted.

"How about you get some bullets for my man you killed!?" Julie managed to pull a gun from her purse.

"Here we go…" Ray groaned.

Before you could say 'dead electric squirrel', there was a gun battle in the back room of the bar. Tables had been overturned to make barriers that each side used. Soon each side was shooting at each other.

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAPPPPPPPPP!

"AAAAH! GET THAT ELECTRIC RAT!" Julie screamed as she fired her weapon at an electric blur running around them.

And occasionally at the electric squirrel running amok.

"I can't take you idiots anywhere can I?" Mallory snapped as she fired her gun.

"Here's a hot wing in your eye!" Pam threw some hot wings at the goons.

"AAAAAH! MY EYE!" One of them screamed. "I GOT HOT SAUCE IN MY EYE! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!"

"YES!" Pam whooped.

"Thanks Pam!" Archer said as he shot the guy with the hot sauce in his eyes. "Made it easier to kill that guy!"

"Yeah one down nine to go!" Lana snapped as she fired.

BANG!

"Okay eight to go!" Lana said.

"This is just how I wanted to celebrate getting my pilot's license!" Ray shouted as he fired his gun and hit one of the goons in the forehead. "Getting into a shoot out! It's like my high school graduation party all over again!"

"WHAT?" Lana, Archer, Pam and Cyril shouted.

"My Daddy had a bit of a moonshine business on the side and sort of owed our neighbors money for ingredients," Ray groaned. "And the neighbors got into it with Daddy at the party and…You can figure out where this is going!"

"Jesus Christ!" Mallory snapped. "Can your family be any more white trash?"

"You really want to pull that card" Ray snapped. "Ms. Alcoholic Unwed Mother who doesn't know who her son's father is and tried to run a failed drug business? And is currently in a shootout with her alcoholic son's pimp dealer while some wild animals are running around in a bar?"

"You little bitch!" Mallory pulled her gun on Ray.

"Truth hurts don't it? Go on!" Ray pointed his guns at her. "Go for it! See if I won't shoot back!"

"I should have blown your brains out years ago you simpering sissy!" Mallory snarled.

"I'll do it! I swear I'll do it!" Ray screamed.

"Great this is just what happened at…" Cyril then stopped himself. "Did they pull guns on each other at the King Cole Bar?"

"No, that was at O'Tooles," Pam reminded him.

"Oh right," Cyril realized.

"You really think you can take me on?" Mallory taunted.

"Don't tempt me you old…" Ray snarled.

A loud whistle stopped them. "BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF!" Lana shouted. "We need you to shoot at the enemy! Not each other!"

"Yeah can you two do that and work on your relationship on your own time?" Archer snapped. "Seriously? I need some help here!"

"You, you, you…" Mallory grumbled as she pointed her guns away from Ray and returned firing at the thugs. Two fell down. "It's always about you!"

"I know right?" Ray snapped as he shot a couple of thugs. "God forbid the attention is off him for one second!"

"He's more of a drama queen than you are!" Mallory said as she fired.

"That we agree on!" Ray said as he winged another thug.

"You know…?" Archer growled.

"Just shut up at keep shooting at the guys who are shooting at us!" Lana ordered.

"YOU ARE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Archer shouted at Lana.

"YOU STOLE MY LINE!" Cheryl shouted.

"And no offense Mallory…" Lana said. "Ray kind of does have a point."

"HA!" Mallory shouted. "Look who's talking!"

"Really? You're going there?" Lana snapped as she pointed her gun at Mallory. Mallory pointed her gun at Lana.

"This happened at the King Cole bar," Pam reminded Cyril.

"Oh yeah it was Lana and Mallory that got into a fight there," Cyril remembered.

"Boss what's going on?" Two more thugs ran in. One was shot dead immediately.

"Terry! NOOOOOOOOOO!" The second thug shouted. "REVENGE RAMPAGE!" The thug pulled out his gun and shot back.

"Call in reinforcements!" Julie shouted into her cell phone.

"Oh yeah this happened too," Cyril winced as four more thugs ran in with guns blazing.

"Shut up! Get a gun and shoot somebody!" Archer shouted as he fired. "I'm running out of bullets here!"

"Uh…" Cyril saw the dead thug had had been electrocuted was beside him and took his gun. "Okay! SURPRESSSING FIRE!" He shot wildly at the mobsters.

He missed their attackers but hit the bartender, who had the unfortunate timing to stick his head out from the bar just as he fired. "UGGGGHH!" The bartender gasped as a bullet hit him right in the middle of his forehead.

"Way to go Cyril!" Archer shouted. "You killed the guy serving the drinks!"

ZZZAAPPP!

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" A thug screamed.

"Good news Krieger!" Archer called out. "Your squirrel took out another guy!"

BANG!

"SQUEAK!"

"The bad news is that squirrel got taken out too," Archer remarked.

"Not Shocky Two!" Krieger gasped.

"Wasn't Shocky the first one?" Cyril asked.

"They're both named Shocky," Krieger explained. "Shocky One and Shocky Two."

"Oh I get it," Cyril said. "Shocky Two not Shocky too…"

"That's what I said!" Krieger snapped.

"This is exactly like what happened at the King Cole bar!" Mallory groaned. "Just change Sterling's whore procurer and her thugs to Russian Mobsters and Krieger's mutant squirrels to his exploding mice!"

"How many are left?" Lana shouted.

"Well let's count," Archer thought. "Julie brought in ten goons and six more ran in. Counting her that's seventeen total. Two were shocked to death by electric squirrels. And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…"

Archer killed another goon. "Eleven!" Archer finished counting.

Ray got another one. "Twelve!"

"Thirteen!" Lana shot another.

"What is this? Sesame Street for psychopaths?" Mallory snapped. "There's only four…Hang on!"

She shot another goon between the eyes. "Three left!"

"Well I'm out of ammo," Ray grumbled.

"Me too," Lana admitted.

"Yeah I'm low and I'm betting Cyril wasted all his ammo on the bartender," Archer grumbled. "Who was just doing his job! Thanks a lot Cyril!"

"I was just trying to help!" Cyril yelled.

"Well you didn't!" Archer snapped. "Unless you count giving whoever comes after the bartender a job…"

"I'm giving you assholes one last chance!" Julie screamed. "Pay me what you owe or else…"

THONK!

Julie's eyes widened before she fell to the floor. The huge knife in her forehead killed her instantly.

Everyone turned to look where the knife came from. "Nailed it!' Cheryl cheered. "I love playing with sharp objects!"

"Damn…" Pam whistled.

"Boss!" The two remaining thugs gasped.

BANG! BANG!

And then they fell dead. "Like shooting fish in a barrel," Mallory smirked. "Just in time too. I'm out of ammo."

"Is everyone all right?" Lana asked as they got up. "Besides the squirrels Krieger!"

"Oh well then I'm fine," Krieger shrugged as they got out from their makeshift barricade. "I can always make more. Archer you okay?"

"I'm fine," Archer said. "Well that's one way to get out of paying a thirteen million dollar bill. Pam? You all right?"

"Yeah I'm good," Pam nodded. "How you doin' Ray?"

"I'm good," Ray said. "Cyril you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Physically anyway," Cyril groaned. "Mentally I'm not so sure. I think I'm starting to get used to the carnage. Which is really disturbing. Lana, Cheryl are you all right?"

"Eh yeah," Cheryl sighed. "Damn it. I really wanted a decent flesh wound."

"Well maybe next time?" Cyril said sarcastically. "Lana?"

"I'm fine," Lana said. "Mallory?"

"Oh now you ask if I'm fine!" Mallory grumbled. "But I guess I should thank you Lana! For taking an interest in my health! Unlike some people!" She glared at her son.

"What? You're clearly fine! Not one of us got hit! Those guys really couldn't shoot for…" Archer began.

"Dukes!" Ray realized something. "Are there any cameras in here?"

"There's probably some kind of security system somewhere," Pam looked around. "That door looks like it leads somewhere!"

"Get the tapes!" Mallory ordered. Ray and Pam went through the door.

"Now what do we do?" Cyril whined. "Geezy Pete! Look at all the dead bodies in here!"

"Hey it was them or us!" Archer snapped.

"Shocky One and Shocky Two are dead," Krieger sniffed. "One died when a mob guy fell on him and the other got shot!"

"Good!" Archer snapped. "They were rodents! Who's going to miss two out of billions?"

"What about the bartender?" Krieger pointed. "He was just serving drinks minding his own business."

"Well that was Cyril's fault," Archer shrugged. "Sorry buddy. But I will promise I'll visit you in prison. Eventually. If only to laugh at you."

"PRISON?" Cyril screamed in horror.

"I'm sure your lawyer can argue that it was accidental manslaughter or something," Archer said. "And let's face it Cyril, prison is actually a step up from your normal social life!"

"I CAN'T GO TO PRISON!" Cyril shouted.

"Well you say that," Archer chuckled.

"If I go down I'm taking you with me!" Cyril shouted. "Every one of you!"

"Wanna bet?" Archer pointed his gun at Cyril.

"He's bluffing!" Krieger snapped.

"Yeah I totally am," Archer admitted. "How did you know I was out of bullets?"

"I didn't," Krieger said. "I meant Cyril is the guy cooking the accounting books and with him gone…"

"Damn it! He's right!" Mallory realized. "All right! Nobody is going to jail! I'm not losing the one member of this team that's actually useful!"

"Burn," Cyril smirked.

"Shut up!" Archer snapped.

"You shut up!" Cyril snapped back.

"Both of you shut up! We don't have much time! The cops will be here any minute!" Lana snapped. "How the hell are we going to explain this?"

"I'm on it!" Cheryl was using a lighter to burn a table and then some curtains.

"CHERYL!" Archer, Mallory, and Lana shouted.

"Where did she get a lighter?" Cyril blinked.

"The cops can't do anything if we burn all the evidence!" Cheryl snapped. "You know? Like the dead UN secretary and the hooker assassin."

"She has a point," Mallory frowned. "And this does have all the makings of a mob fight so…"

"We got the tapes!" Ray ran out with Pam. He saw Cheryl lighting tables on fire. "WHAT THE….?"

"Anyone who has a lighter light 'em up!" Mallory shouted as she ran to the bar and started breaking open bottles. Pouring alcohol all over the place. "This is officially going to be a mob shakedown that got out of hand!"

"Okay this is different than the King Cole Bar…" Cyril gulped.

"Mother no!" Archer screamed. "That bottle is a Glengoolie Gold 73! Do you have any idea how expensive those are?"

Mallory stopped. "Good point," She frowned. "Sterling grab any bottle that's valuable. The rest of the swill break open and feed the flames!"

"No sense in letting the money burn!" Ray grumbled as he managed to open the cash register. He began stuffing money into his pockets.

"Good idea!" Mallory snatched the gold necklace off of Julie's neck. "Might as well get something out of this! Try to grab as many wallets as you can!"

"Sure! Why not add robbery to the charges?" Cyril groaned as he grabbed one guy's wallet. He screamed when the fire started to get bigger.

"GO! GO! GO! GO!" Archer shouted as they dashed out the back of the door.

A little over ten minutes later…

"Wow that is one big ass fire," Pam whistled as they watched the blaze from their office building.

"So what did we get?" Archer asked. "I got a couple of bottles of Glengoolie Gold and a watch."

"I got a bottle of Scotch, plus the tapes and four hundred twenty five dollars and fifty eight cents from the cash register," Ray said as they put their loot on Mallory's desk.

"Why did you get the change?" Archer asked.

"Money is money!" Ray snapped.

"I got two wallets and a silver ring," Lana sighed.

"A wallet and a ticket stub for some dry cleaners," Cyril showed them. "Who knows? Maybe there's some decent clothes we can get?"

"A bottle of Scotch, a wallet and a lucky penny I found on the floor!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"What makes it lucky?" Cyril asked.

"The fact that I found it," Krieger shrugged. "And that I didn't die in a hail of gunfire or from a deadly squirrel bite."

"I got a wallet and a big ass ring," Pam showed.

"It looks good on you," Cheryl said. "Was I supposed to take something?"

"I got the necklace, a bottle of expensive Scotch and a wallet full of credit cards," Mallory showed. "Krieger do you still have that machine in your lab? The one that can crack any credit card ATM code?"

"Yup," Krieger nodded.

"Then use it and drain all these credit cards in these wallets dry then shred the credit cards and dispose of them!" Mallory ordered. "Do it now before the police identify the bodies from the dental records."

"I know the drill," Krieger quipped. "Get it? Drill?"

"Yes," Everyone said.

"Use that ATM machine by Crammers," Pam suggested. "You know that strip joint where nobody asks questions."

"This is not the first time I've drained money out of a credit card," Krieger rolled his eyes.

"Good with any luck we'll be able to make payroll this month," Mallory sighed.

"Hooray for fraud and larceny," Cyril said sarcastically.

"Ray since this was your party, you get the gold watch and the mystery ticket stub," Mallory handed it to him. "Think of it as a lottery ticket for fashion."

"Okay I get you giving him the dry cleaning stub but why the watch?" Archer snapped.

"Because he got the money from the cash register and the tapes and a bottle of Glengoolie Imperial 49 which is one of the most expensive bottles of Scotch there is!" Mallory snapped. "Never let it be said I don't reward initiative."

"And this watch is also broken," Ray sighed as he looked at it. "Oh well, maybe I'll be able to pawn it?"

"Plus he got the change which as petty as it sounds," Mallory shrugged. "Every little bit helps. Money is money."

"See?" Ray gave a look to Archer.

"And I believe this merits saying…This never happened," Mallory told her employees. "We were never there. And this never happened!"

"Yeah. Just like the King Cole Bar incident," Lana sighed. "We get it."

"If the CIA or any other authorities finds out half the stuff we do we are gonna get it," Ray groaned.