Who We Were Before

Plot Summary: Set after 4.04. Kurt and Rachel are drunk, horribly sad, and looking for comfort. One thing leads to another, and a few weeks later, they find out what that other thing is—Rachel's pregnant. Now the question is, how will the deal with this? Will Finn ever be able to forgive Rachel or Kurt? Does Klaine stand any chance of getting back together now?

Disclaimer: I do not own the t.v. show Glee or it's characters.

Warning: Spoilers for episode 4.04!

Another idea that wouldn't release me from its grip. I seriously think I have problems. The chapters for this story won't be as long as my other ones. I'm planning right now on them maybe reaching 1,500-2000 words per chapter (save for this one)? Sometimes short than that even. Also, even though this story involves a pregnancy, this won't take anything from the Ours/Dreams storyline. Two separate story lines—possible they could cross over but not at the current moment. I know I've been slow with my other updates but they should start picking up soon. I'm planning to post some things on my profile page so I'll have more information there when I get to it. In the mean time, hope you guys enjoy this and as always—criticisms are welcomed but please no flames. Thanks and enjoy!

CHAPTER 1: Choosers Into Beggars

Kurt wakes up with a horrible case of cotton mouth and an even worse headache. He vaguely recalls Rachel coming back home from her trip to Lima; he also recalls her being an absolute wreck about breaking up with Finn. Kurt was so deep in his own depression that he didn't even argue when Rachel decided to break out their secret bottles of champagne and tequila. Of course now he wishes he hadn't drank so much. Kurt inwardly lectures himself about the woes of underage drinking as he jumps out of bed.

He made it to the trashcan. That was three glasses of champagne and four tequila shots that was just expelled from his stomach. He can't say he's happy to see it. He hears someone groaning from behind him. The piercing noise echoes in his head. "Rachel, please…"

Kurt freezes. Why is Rachel in his room? He looks down and realizes the trashcan isn't plain black; it's bejeweled with the words 'Rachel Barbara Berry' in pink stones, which is Rachel's form of labeling.

Scratch that. Why is he in Rachel's room? He looks down and makes a more horrendous discovery- he's completely naked. The trashcan drops from his hands. It may have even tipped over. For once, the possibility of getting vomit everywhere seems like an insignificant problem.

"Kurt, stop making noise! My head is mad at me," Rachel says while pulling her blanket over her head. Kurt feels his own head start to spin. "Why are you in my room?"

Does he really want to know? If he wanted too, he could leave right now. He could walk out the room, go to his bed, sleep off this hangover, and pretend this is some horrible, horrible nightmare.

Kurt turns around at last. Oh dear god…

"Why are you in my room?" She repeats, her voice higher and quieter. Rachel's sitting up in her bed, blanket wrapped around her chest. All he can see are her shoulders and parts of her back; however, he knows she's naked too.

She's naked. He's naked. They were naked together and drunk.

Kurt picks up the trashcan and pukes again. His eyes watering at both the acid burning in his throat and at the knowledge of what likely occurred in that bed. Before he knows it, he's down on the floor, sobs wracking his body. Rachel isn't fairing any better. Kurt hears her start to hyperventilate but he can't pull himself away from the sick feeling in his stomach, accompanied by the loud voices in his head yelling at him.

How did this happen? How could this happen? Why Rachel of all people? What the hell was I thinking? Oh my god, what would Finn think?!

What would Blaine think?

The last thing he needs is heartache on top of the other emotions he's going through. He and Blaine weren't even together anymore, and either were Finn and Rachel— but it would crush Finn's soul if he knew his stepbrother had…had….

Kurt clenches his teeth. It would crush Finn's soul if he knew his stepbrother had sex with Rachel. He pushes himself to sit up from the floor, not even looking in Rachel's direction. "I'm-I'm going to go to my room. This never happened." He says in a low tone voice.

"But Kurt…" Rachel very nearly shrieks. Kurt shakes his head.

"This never happened." Kurt gets up and practically runs out of the room. He isn't sure how he's going to deal with this but he couldn't do it now. He needs to vomit this entire experience out of his memory. No one ever had to know about this. It would be a drunken memory that he'd eventually forget.

()

"Hey man, what's up?" Kurt's stomach twists in guilt the minute Finn's voice rings through the phone. For three weeks, it's remained a secret. Not a word of it has been spoken between Kurt and Rachel—or any words at all for that matter. At work he functioned as a zombie, while the apartment had become a near unbearable purgatory. Every day the same amount of shame and awkwardness. Today, Kurt realized when Rachel wouldn't even come out of her room until Kurt left that the distance they had created between him and Rachel was too large. Things couldn't go on this way.

After work, he went to look at an apartment and called Finn to gather advice on how to ask his father to borrow money for furniture (since he's the one making the choice to leave, it's only fair Rachel gets to keep the furniture. At this point, he'd leave everything save for his wardrobe behind to get over this situation). What he didn't expect to come is the self-disgust and guilt to keep building. Sleeping with Rachel was a drunken mistake that he would take back in an instance. That didn't change the fact that she's still the love of Finn's life and if he knew Kurt jumped into bed with Rachel—he's not sure his stepbrother could forgive him. Even if Kurt was drunk and regretful. "Kurt?"

"Still here." Kurt confirms, hand grasping on the holding bar to steady himself. "Sorry…"

"Are you alright?" Finn asks with entirely too much concern in his voice. Kurt hears his conscience yelling at him to tell the truth. Kurt fights against it because to him, it's about more than the changes in his relationship with Finn and his relationship Rachel. The reality of the situation hasn't hit him at full swing yet. How can he admit it to Finn when he won't even admit it to himself?

"Fine, just tired," Kurt lies, for once grateful he's become so good at saying he's fine when he's not. "and frustrated, I guess."

"Why? Because of Blaine?" Oh god, not the B-word. The only good thing about the situation with Rachel is that it's distracted him from his crumbling relationship with Blaine.

"Kind of. Money's a little tight right now too." A perfect excuse for asking Finn about borrowing money from their parents. He supposed the reason why he's about moving out of the apartment he and Rachel were happily sharing not even a month ago wasn't necessary at this point. "I think I have to ask Dad for a loan."

"What? Dude, you like never ask Burt for anything. He said you wouldn't even take the money he wanted to give you when you left." Yes, that's true. Funny how one little mistake can turn friends into strangers, brothers into liars, and choosers into beggars. In any other situation, Kurt would consider stripping for money before asking his all-too-generous father for money, but this mental hell had to end or Kurt feared he'd lose his mind.

The subway screeches to a stop at the station. This is Kurt's stop. He lets go of the holding bar and steps off the subway. "I know but I don't think I have a choice this time."

Finn releases a long sigh. "Well, how much do you need? I could lend it to you." No, absolutely not! The twist suddenly becomes a hard stabbing pain. Kurt walks faster as if it will keep the feeling from catching up to him. It may not mean much now, but Kurt still has his morals and he'd be damned if he was going to take money from his brother over this.

"No, no! I know things are tight for you too. Dad and Carol have plenty of money to spare. It's fine. I'm going to pay them back as soon as I can." At least it's a true alibi—he knows Finn's spent a lot of his funds getting back to Ohio. Still, knowing that Finn would still try to give Kurt the money despite his situation made the pain that much worse.

"Yeah…. All right, if you say so. Dude, it's fine. They know you're good for it. Worse comes to worse, the Berry's will shell out a few extra bucks." Finn then clears his throat. "Uh, how is Rachel anyway?" He tries to say it causally like he doesn't care. The heaviness behind his voice indicates otherwise and it's so obvious it's almost sad.

Rachel's taken the situation worse than even Kurt. She won't even look at him. They avoid each like the plague; whether they're eating breakfast at the table or passing by in the hall to get ready for their day. When Kurt does see her, it's obvious she isn't sleeping well and he knows her workout machine has been untouched for at least a week. Nonetheless, Kurt lies again. "She's alright…. How are you holding up?"

Just like that, Finn starts talking about everything that's been happening lately in Lima. Kurt listens while throwing in a non-committal comment here and there, but overall he's not paying attention. By the time he reaches the apartment, he's says goodbye to Finn and hands up the phone. Talking to Finn felt like mental torture but wishes he was still on the phone because now he has to tell Rachel he's looking for a new place to live. It hurts worse that she'll likely agree, thus ending the friendship they worked so hard to build over the years. It's a gut-wrenching change, one that will be much more melancholy than moving to New York.

It's useless putting it off any longer because really, Kurt just wants to stop hurting. He wants to stop wondering how Blaine could sleep with another man when they were supposedly so in love. He wants to stop torturing himself with this woe and fear of unhappiness that's plagued him since he was a kid; and as much as it will hurt, he doesn't want to prolong the ending of probably his most treasured friendship. If it has to end, he wants done with quickly and as painlessly as possible.

He opens the door to their apartment and for the first time in weeks, he's seeking Rachel out.

What he doesn't expect is that Rachel is sitting on their couch waiting for him. Her eyes look up and lock in on Kurt. Kurt notices her eyes are rimmed red like she's been crying for hours. Her skin has never appeared so pale, nor has he ever seen her more scared. If he's being honest, Kurt can't remember the last time he's seen Rachel scared. She opens her mouth and closes it. What little grace she has left leaves her as her face crumples. A tear slipping down her face. "I'm sorry."

Despite everything happening to their friendship, Kurt rushes to her side without another thought. "Rachel, honey…" When Kurt lowers himself in front of her, Rachel throws her arms around Kurt and hugs him tightly. It takes him minute to hug her back but when he does, he feels a little more put together. He forgot how much he misses hugging a warm body until he allows Rachel to break down in his arms. Her body quakes with loud sobs. Through the heavy breathing, he can hear muffled apologies and self-put downs. He's never heard Rachel demean herself and Kurt isn't entirely sure what to think about it. He only knows that it's the saddest thing he's ever heard. "…come on Rach, it was both our faults. We were stupid and we made a mistake, that's all it was. We were drunk and lonely. That doesn't make us bad people. Nothing has to change—I still like boys and you're still my—"

"This changes everything!" She screams. The high-pitched volume sending horrible vibrations through his ears. He wants to pull away, but can't because she's clutching his body tightly. "This changes everything and we can never go back. I'll never be a Broadway singer now!"

Kurt breaks from her embrace. A very serious tone takes the situation. Rachel's not saying this just to be dramatic. She would never throw her dreams of Broadway under the bus. Not unless they were really in danger. "What are you talking about?" His voice is so breathy almost no words come out but Rachel hears them and starts to cry harder. It's because Kurt knows exactly what she meant. There's so many ways that having drunk sex with your best friend can change things, but only one reason it could possibly stop 'the' Rachel Barbara Berry from achieving her dreams—and if it's true, it Kurt from achieving his.

Rachel shakily gets up from the couch and walks to their bathroom. She comes back with a small brown paper bag and dumps the contents on their coffee table.

Six pregnancy tests dropped in front of Kurt. Six tests along with six positives.

Kurt's eyes are wide, his mouth drops in horror. Tears start pouring down his face as well. Rachel still confirms what he already knows. "I haven't had sex with anyone else since last summer. Even if I had, Finn and I always used protection," Rachel states surprisingly clear. Words that would have caused her to stutter or giggle now leave her mouth without even a hitch. "I always used protection because I never wanted this to happen. Not before I had a career. That night is the only time I might have even—"

"Stop. Please just stop…" Kurt manages to say.

He takes a deep breath and wipes the tears from his eyes. In that moment, something else takes over. For over a month, he's been running from everything, but now it feels like none of it really matters anymore. He can't run from this. Rachel won't get an abortion and Kurt didn't really want her to. He supposes this could be over in nine months if they give the baby up for adoption but Kurt knows that the time they spend waiting will still leave a large mark on their lives. Whether they decided to give it up for adoption or raise it, the child will exist and Rachel obviously can't be the strong one. Kurt wishes, for once, he could step back and let someone take the reins but he can't. He needs to be in control. He stands up and he draws the sobbing Rachel back into his arms. Feels her stomach pressed against his. Feels his child. "We'll be alright. We'll figure it out."

They didn't have any other choice.