AN: This is pure humor, so the characters are exaggerated. They may not be in character because I made them 'characters'. See? But I still laugh at this. So, enjoy!

Disclaimer: Blah, blah.

Amorous Malboro: A tale of cookery gone terribly awry

"Rikku, pitch in more!" "Rikku, why don't you cook tonight?" "Rikku, go and get sticks so I can put them up my butt!" Rikku kicked at a stray stone in the edges of the Macalania forest, glaring and muttering.

Rikku did so do stuff! She helped out… right?

She got all the ...

…the..uhmm...

Sooo, maybe she really did need to do more stuff. Still, the last time she tried to cook it did not go over well (with anyone, really). The noodles fell out of the pot (and that was definitely not her fault—the thing was clearly not stable) and then burned and stayed at the bottom. It was like paste and coal (at the same time!) in your mouth.

Rikku had hope though, as she always did.

Auron scooped a bloppy, crusty mass on the spoon and with little or no visible hesitation stuck it in his mouth. Rikku watched on with painfully wide eyes. He withdrew the spoon from his mouth, his eye twitching, the gook still clinging to the wooden instrument.

"Rikku...I have never tasted anything like this in my entire life." He said rather blandly. Rikku's eyes lit up at the presumed compliment.

"T-then you think it's good?"

"Jecht was a drunkard."

"What-what has that got to do with anything?" Rikku put her hands on her hips, a spare spoon clenched tightly in one fist.

"Jecht cooked drunk."

"But I don't un-"

"WORSE, Rikku, far and more undeniably WORSE than Jecht's cooking."

"Oh! YOU MEANIE!" She threw her small fists down at her sides, knuckles turning white. In a helpless moment where her indignation and embarrassment could not be held in any longer, she threw the spoon at his forehead—where it most likely couldn't stick because of his aura—and it landed, almost as if pleading for him not to bend it, by his boot.

She stormed off, and a month later here she was. Sent off again for food.

"Geez, you would think he would let me pitch the tent or something instead. Save their stomachs." The strong Al Bhed girl was not against work but she didn't like being useless, and at cooking dinner she was totally useless.

Rikku walked for a long while, straying further and further from the path. She encountered little fiends that were dispatched with grenades, and those that couldn't be she dodged away from easily. Halfway from camp the trees started thinning out from the usual Macalanian girth, and the incline was steeper. Rikku finally put her hands on her hips and heaved a great breath while holding it in her cheeks. She looked around. Stubborn yes, obstinate to the point of stupidity, no. She wasn't finding anything; 'Screw dinner,' she thought, 'I'm heading back.' She could eat leaves. Or flan. Flan might be nice. Wait, what was that?

Odd little green lumps in neat rows were half-buried in the ground about five feet in front of her, and they appeared quite surprisingly plump. The petite Al Bhed put a hand above her eye, squinting to try and determine what on Spira they were. That new 'agrifulker' thing they were trying now? Wasn't that all the rage in Luca these days? She knew that it had something to do with rows. 'Hmm,' she placed a finger on her chin, pondering what Auron might say, ' Rikku, that's a hermit's garden. You can't take from that.'

'But I'm hungry!'

'You can eat flan.'

She wrinkled her nose in distaste. 'No, YOU can eat flan, SIR AURON. Call my cooking crap, will you…'

And with that swift decision, she leapt forward and swooped upon the row, singing a toddler's song as she plucked away. "Uha! Dfu drnaa vuin! Ha na en!" Counting the amount in her arms, she smirked as she left one out, just to ensure Auron would not be joining the rest of them in the food he so despised.

"La! La, lala la!" Rikku sung a lilting tune as she stirred. She was mixing the vegetables around in the cursed black pot yes, but maybe the taboo would be lifted if she managed to prepare these the right way.

Unbeknownst to the humming Al Bhed, the rest of her party was hanging back from the cooking area apprehensively. They clearly remembered what had happened the last time she attempted prodding food to do her bidding. Lulu spoke in a sharp manner, softly reprimanding the red-draped guardian of his choice in cooks. "You know I don't mind cooking..."

"Hmph."

"Neither does Wakka."

"If you wish to know my reasoning, why don't you just ask?"

"Because it would be rude, Sir Auron."

Vaguely disgusted but hiding his satirical amusement, Auron growled, "You people are more of a mystery than I ever will be."

Tidus inched closer and added into the scathing repertoire, "Why didn't you just send her out for sticks or something?!"

Yuna said rather weakly "Don't you remember the time she got distracted with the shape of the wood? She kept talking about some kind of cursed tree monster, and then the whole ordeal with the splinter got us pushed back on the journey by a whole day!"

Tidus shot back "And she wouldn't mess up with food?"

Yuna's face went still and she looked at him blankly. Chilled, Tidus sat back in his original spot.

Wakka leaned in, almost stabbing Lulu in the eye with his quail head, and articulated his in-articulate thoughts. "She can always pitch the tent or sumthin' ya?"

Lulu shook her head, leaning back to avoid hair in eye sequence. "No, she is far too short."

Auron, having all of his dialogue spoken for him, merely spread out his legs more, and as in habit, reached and rested his hand on his ceramic jug whilst awaiting the food.

Twelve-and-a-half minutes and three seconds of scattered conversation later, Rikku was gathering up the plates for the party to eat. They sat on scattered logs, but when Rikku pulled out the first grotesque looking (crowned?) vegetable head (with...were those tentacles?) out of the cauldron Wakka and Tidus thought that they heard some fiends and Yuna decided that she needed to use the bathroom. Lulu went with her as she suddenly developed the urge to urinate in the wilderness, or as far as was humanly possible from the slimy…THINGS…Rikku had prepared to serve them.

Suddenly Rikku turned around and only one lone member of the traveling party was left, holding his small knife at the ready. Her smile dimmed. She was certain these turned out right. What's with everybody leaving? Do they not want her food that she cooked for them and NOT Auron.

Specifically…

And yet when he knows nothing of her plans, still he thwarts her! Mentally she shakes her fist at him.

She stiffens, and walks toward him, thrusting out the plate of food before quickly returning to the cauldron.

Auron dubiously looks down and the …thing… and…It looked…back. His thought process had time to crank out 'That is highly unusual and most likely dangerous.'

Auron started, jerking the thing away from him, hiding in his cowl for the terror of his food cooing and gurgling at him. The tentacles were flapping around as though they were fingers wiggling around in delight, and the smile that split its face was ridged with tiny, very sharp, very pointy, numerous teeth. Jerking it back however seemed to be the signal it needed, and horror of horrors it somehow defied gravity at an alarming velocity and came smacking and sucking on to his face.

"MARGLPH!"

The plate dropped, the hand that was holding had flown to the thing, digging into the mottled fleshy blob. Auron had by this point lept to his feet, thrashing around for air.

Rikku had heard the plate clang onto the ground, closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip and made a guttural sound… which ended up sounding like a kettle whining to be let off the fire anyways so she wasn't going to try that anymore.

"You don't have to drop the plate you know!"

Rikku was feeling horribly right now. She was just about to think about crying. But Auron was thinking about dying. The tentacles were gripping onto the side of his face, and as painful as that is, the baby (but definitely sharp) teeth biting him in the face was much worse.

In a great feat of strength, and rage, and pure indignation that he could possibly die this way, he ripped the damned salad off his face and threw it as far as he could with a shout.

Rikku whirled around, mad to the core.

How dare the big great stupid head thwart her plans and then-then have the audacity to not like what he got himself into!

Auron was breathing heavily, bending to pick up his glasses. Rikku marched towards him, definitely NOT caring why his glasses were on the ground.

She marched up, spread her legs out in the way that mimicked his usual stance, puffed her cheeks out and forcefully poked him in the chest when he looked up. She got in return for the vicious poke, nothing that made her feel better in the least, she poked out of him however a bewildered look- he looked fleetingly terrified, as if she was going to attack his face.

This was entirely unacceptable to Rikku because she expected nothing but complete and utter submission. Gippal, Keyakku, and Brother, (even Vydran!) trembled under her pouting rage. She flew off into a rant, not noticing anything peculiar until:

"You know what! You're a big meanie head that's what! And you act like all legendary but really you're just sneaky!" This was punctuated with a poke. "Sneaky stinker!" Each word was accompanied with a stabbing of the fingers. But she had taken to two hands at this point. All of the 'you-s' were then sent forth with an artillery of pokes. " I should tell you all sorts of stuff about what people say about you and your 'compensation issues' and you and your man per-"

She realized that one: she had backed him up as far as she could make him go with out ramming herself into him and two: she registered that peering up above his sweat stained cowl, half moon shapes randomly decorated across his face glittered red. She stared stupidly at him and Auron righted his glasses fixing her with a bone piercing look. (What Rikku patented as Aurons-mega-doom-one-eyed-glare-of-insta-death-in-a-basket.) His look had the complete opposite effect on her as she began to laugh.

Auron frowned.

Tidus and Wakka decided to materialize out of the woods at that moment.

"Eh! What's the joke. Did I miss summtin'ya?" Wakka said with a timid smile and a shake of his head as he moved forward.

Tidus stood on the edge of the clearing, hands behind his head. Empty as it usually was there was just a vague feeling that there was more to it than a joke. Obviously years of living in close 'prefecture' with Auron taught him nothing about 'there's more than the eye can see.'

Rikku had stopped laughing and her quick mirth had died down into a faint giggle. Her thought process had finally kicked in.

"Why do you have half moon shapes all across your face?"

Wakka and Tidus finding nothing to else to do, decided to investigate the pot of mysterious bubbling liquid by mutual consensus. They made their way slowly to the possibly dead possibly alive possibly too disgusting and twisted to eat 'food'.

Rikku her curiosity getting the best of her, ignored Aurons aura of PERSONAL SPHERE, (Auron was in fact too manly to use the word bubble) that he had enforced with many glares, shrug offs, and noncommittal yet threatening noises, and was now standing on her toes and using her previously abusing hands to leverage herself up further to investigate his face.

At the moment he was too annoyed and mildly confused to come to the degree of anger or 'Dear- heathen- god- that- thing- is –coming- through- my –personal- sphere- and- touching- me!' that he would normally exhibit.

Rikku gaped and poked him in the forehead. Auron sputtered.

Rikku examined her fingertip and exclaimed "Blood!"

Yuna and Lulu came back, suitable and expendable firewood in their hands, or rather in their sleeves because their hands never got dirty...ever.

"Blood?" Lulu said, momentarily stopping in her path to the middle of the clearing.

Yuna dropped her sticks and scurried in her slow way to Auron bumping Rikku aside.

Rikku squeaked and fell on her butt, her toes not enough to keep her up.

Yuna, being a tad taller than Rikku only had to strain slightly to peer into Aurons face.

"Blood!" She gasped a bit.

Auron was quite through with this 'peering and investigating his face and exclaiming the obvious' nonsense and made to shrug Yuna off.

Perhaps violently.

"What happened Sir Auron?" Lulu had come over to the fire pit where Tidus and Wakka had taken to trying to find something suitable to stick into the pot to prod at the food. The spoon sitting on top of the plates, innocently waiting to be picked up instead watched, as the two buffoons had glanced around for a stick. Tidus' eyes alit upon the firewood and gleefully stole one and proceeded to stick it into the pot over the fire.

"Rikkus cooking is what catastroph-ied. She decided to boil malboro seedlings and-"

Shrieks of terror and sounds of "MARGLPH!" was heard.

Feeling properly avenged and decidedly snide Auron finished his sentence with a profound although grammatically incorrect: "That."

The parties focus was now upon the other five baby malboros who crawled out of the pot, doused the fire with their …oozy-ness and marched onwards to the high pitched keening noise of Tidus getting his face NOMNOMNOMED off.

Wakka was punching the malboros mushy body, trying desperately to dissuade it from the blonder blitzer's face. (Oh, excuse me blonde.)

Unfortunately his punches only made it sure that it wanted to be protected, and made Tidus UNG with pain.

This continued on for at least twenty five minuets. Each of the party members desperately trying to avoid getting smacked in the face by a tiny fanged vegetable, and by the end of the horrific ordeal, Lulu had successfully cast thundaga upon the things. Unfortunately it resulted in Tidus' mouth leaking lightning, Wakkas hair looking like a poofed couerl tail and Aurons face, on top of bleeding being singed, small electric charges sparked off his glasses.

Lulu was looking nauseous, Yuna was looking as if she would have post traumatic stress disorder, clutching her staff in a white knuckled grip.

Auron had marched over to the stunned, twitching ball of tentacles and promptly smashed it until things that looked thicker than blood splattered every which way.

Tidus opened his mouth to say something but had to gargle through little electro streams. "Gzz What gzt, were those gzzrrzt things? Gz Ow."

Auron pounded his foot into the muddy sludge once more for good measure and twisted his boot.

He growled out "Those… were baby malboros."

Rikku said "Ehh?" Pointing at the edge of the clearing.

Auron turned to her arm still out of its sleeve, his veins throbbing and creating cartography of where his blood flowed and raised his hand, two fingers pointed at her.

Rikku paled and huddled around herself.

"You."

"Eeep!"

Rikku covered her arms with her head.

Yuna doling out minor cure spells to Kimhari, Lulu and Tidus, calmly said. "Nothing went terribly wrong Sir Auron, and she was only trying to help."

Wakka scowled crossing his arms. "Whaddya expect. She's Al Behd. She can't do anything else then sinful machina."

Rikku had a hurt look on her face, but she placed her hands on her hips and threw back at him.

"At least I went to get food! At least I actually helped get rid of them, and at least I saw one sneak off that way!" She pointed to the now dark forest.

Auron stepped towards her and she trembled but stood her ground.

"Are you sure?"

Rikku threw her arms up an yelled "Yeah I'm sure! Geez!"

Auron looked into the darkening forest stepping in front and in close to Rikku, in what appeared to be a protective measure.

There was silence except for the shimmery sound of Yunas healing spells.

Then:

"Can you do somthin' bout my hair?"

Auron jerked his head to look at Wakka, still pulling on his hair, trying desperately to make it smooth.

Rikku sighed and said "Well, I better start dinner then."

Every person in the group made a twitch or a lunge in her direction while chorusing No.

Rikku was feeling very deflated.

Then as every one was gazing at the poor, oozing, and now bubbling with a strange sort of pustulous…
A gurgle was heard out side of the camp. With a sound of tentacles.

A large form just materialized out of the darkness with a sizzle of dripping acid, and a smooth sound of vegetation brushing against one another.

TBC

LOL