Warning: Depressing author's note ahead.
If this seems a little disjointed or forced at moments, here's why. I write as a coping mechanism. If I'm scared, I write something funny. If I'm angry, I write something happier. And when I'm sad, I write things like this.
A week ago it was discovered that my best friend, who also coincidentally was my cat, had a tumor on his left paw. The vets recommended amputation as the best method. Two days ago his leg was taken. At around six in the morning, which was about two hours ago as of writing this, I got a phone call from my dad. Sometime in the night, my cat had died. I was not there with him and after ten years of being there at his side, ever since he was a tiny kitten small enough to hide inside a hole in my couch, I should have been but I wasn't. My little sister was there with him instead and she was the one who woke up and found the body.
What makes this worse is that he was my writing buddy. He sat beside me and rested his head on my laptop while I wrote. The space feels so cold and empty without him there to occupy it.
Aside from grief and sleep deprivation, I'm also under the effects of a tranquilizer my doctor prescribed me a couple days ago to help me sleep and deal with my anxiety after the diagnosis made me miserable, so this doesn't help my writing ability much at all. Still, I've done the best I can under my circumstances. I also hope I didn't bring any of you down too much after reading this.
Garrus did not sleep well at all. In fact, he never even made it through the night. Maybe four or five hours before he normally woke up, he awoke with a start and realized that he was covered in a cold sweat and ridden with anxiety.
"Are you okay, Vakarian?" a soothing, feminine voice asked him. "I am detecting multiple signs of stress." He knew she meant well, but the analytical way she went about diagnosing him made him feel like her concern was forced and automatic rather than genuine.
"I'm fine, EDI," Garrus replied. "I just had a nightmare." At least he assumed it was a nightmare. He was still enough in a groggy haze that he was unclear of what he'd dreamt and what was actually reality. "Where's Shepard?" he asked in a panic. "Is he okay?"
"Shepard is fine," EDI replied. "He is asleep in his cabin."
Garrus fell back against his blanket and heaved a heavy sigh of relief. He should have been able to determine on his own that the very fact that he was safe on the Normandy and not huddled up someplace alone with a rifle was a sign that he had really dreamt it and that Shepard wasn't still dead, but he'd just needed a little bit of extra reassurance. Speaking of reassurance...
He didn't even bother to grab his boots as he got up and didn't even notice how cold the floors felt underfoot as he left the main battery. There were few awake, just the graveyard shift as Shepard had called them working to keep things maintained and running smooth so the normal crew could get some sleep. EDI could handle most functions herself for short periods of time, so the graveyard shift crew was noticeably smaller then it had been in the past. Mordin walked by carrying something floating in a small jar that fortunately did not look to be alive this time. Garrus wasn't really surprised to see that he was still awake. The crew was still undecided whether or not Mordin ever really slept to begin with or if someone forgot to tell him that he was supposed to do that once in a while.
The elevator must have been on that floor as it opened the instant he hit the call button. It was almost as though it were expecting him. "Where to?" EDI asked.
"Shepard's cabin," Garrus replied. When he noticed that the elevator wasn't moving in a timely fashion, he sensed EDI's hesitation and added, "I'm not going to wake him. I just need to see if he's alright," before she could start cautioning him about how the Commander needed his sleep.
"I have already told you that he is alright," she pointed out.
"Yeah, that's one thing about organic lifeforms that you'll come to notice," Garrus replied. "You could tell us something a million times but we won't believe it until we actually see it ourselves."
The elevator started moving without further hesitation after that. Whether she saw his point or realized that the turian wouldn't back down if she tried to argue wasn't as important as the fact that at least he'd be able to fall asleep better knowing that it was just a nightmare.
Shepard was just as EDI had said he was, spread out across one half of his bed in an ill lit room, the only sounds being a bubbling sound from the aquarium where the sleeping fish lie and the light shuffling of wood chips that Shepard could never hear but Garrus' inner carnivore could pick up easily coming from the hamster on the shelf. In other words he was fine. He didn't think that EDI would lie to him, but seeing it himself seemed to take all the tension off of him at once.
He didn't really want to go all the way back downstairs to go back to sleep and now that his mind was once again reassured, he felt the need for sleep coming back to him. He was sure Shepard would be confused when he woke up the next morning and found a turian there where one wasn't before, but he didn't really care at the moment as he climbed into the empty spot next to him and flopped down onto his stomach, his arms tucked partially underneath him as he grew comfortable and closed his eyes.
Shepard had been a fairly light sleeper since his resurrection. It was mostly a symptom of his newfound anxiety after having been killed and he'd often wake from nightmares regarding his own death to find that he was alone and couldn't really do anything about that.
This time when he awoke it wasn't from a nightmare, though he had been currently having one, but because he felt the bed moving behind him. He'd be ashamed to admit that his first thought was that there was a closet monster in his room before he woke up more and realized that closet monsters didn't exist and someone else had to have been in there. Maybe it was a closet collector then.
He tried to move subtly when he rolled over. He didn't think he was in any danger or EDI would have awoken him, so there was no need for urgency. He wasn't really all that surprised to see that it was Garrus, laying on his stomach since he rarely slept in any other position, claws curled up into little half fists underneath him, and a breathing pattern that indicated that he was still awake.
When Shepard had welcomed Garrus onto the Normandy SR-1 around two years ago, he had no idea just how close he'd grow to the turian. He'd had many friends over the years, some that had come and gone and others that still remained, but he'd never had a best friend before, mostly due to his own inability to stay in one place long enough to form such a deep friendship. Despite his inexperience in that area, he was fairly certain Garrus was what a best friend was like. Whenever he needed someone to man the turret on the Mako, he brought Garrus. If he needed someone to shoot geth with, he brought Garrus. If he was just plain bored and wanted someone to talk to or play a video game with, he went to Garrus. Even the crew began to notice how often they were together. Wrex had started calling Garrus "Shepard's shadow" at some point and Ashley had once asked them when they planned on holding the wedding.
The worst part was that he hadn't even noticed until recently when he realized just how much Garrus had fallen without him how much even their own sanity relied on one another. Garrus had been anxious and erratic when he brought him on board a second time, but he always seemed calmer when he had Shepard to talk to. Garrus kept his problems bottled up from the rest of the crew and grew defensive if Chambers tried to gently pry out of worry, but the second it was Shepard he was talking to, he was more than happy to let him know what he was feeling right at the moment. The same worked in reverse whenever Shepard needed a friend to talk to or even just someone to shoot targets with. You didn't gain that level of trust with someone who was just another friend.
"You want a blanket?" Shepard asked when he realized that Garrus had his pinned underneath him.
Garrus' eyes shot open and he seemed surprised to see Shepard awake. "No thanks," he replied. He was sure he'd be freezing when he woke up later, but for now, he was hot.
"Is everything okay?" He knew there had to be a reason why Garrus had decided to sleep in his room uninvited since that wasn't exactly a usual habit for him.
Garrus looked uncertain of a response. He was okay now, but he hadn't been just a moment ago, and though he was okay for the moment, he knew that he might not be the next night or the night after that. The question was, did he want to admit to Shepard the reason he was here? "Yeah. I guess I'm fine."
Shepard looked concerned with his answer. "You guess?"
"I'll be fine. I just need to get some sleep."
"Oh. Well then don't let me keep you." The response was sarcastic, reassuring Garrus that Shepard didn't really mind that he was there much. He'd been a bit worried that Shepard would kick him out as soon as he realized he was there.
Shepard didn't fall asleep as easily as the turian had. He waited a moment, watching Garrus as his breathing leveled and he finally drifted off, and covered him with an extra blanket that he had when he inevitably started shivering. Turians had a higher average body temperature than humans, so even when Garrus was cold, he still felt like he was running a fever to Shepard, so he was partially relieved that Garrus hadn't wanted to share his blanket with him. He would have been sweating to death the next morning with the rise in trapped heat that would have caused.
Slowly Shepard drifted off as well, the added comfort of his friend, his best friend, there next to him making it easier than it had been the past couple of days. For the rest of the morning they both slept better than Shepard had the past month and Garrus had the last two years.
In memory of Shadow. You were always there to comfort me when I needed you and I wasn't there when you needed me. Please forgive me. I'm sorry.