Without my heart I – A new wound makes all the old ones ache again

When Kairi came home from work that evening, she immediately threw away her bag. She ran through the house. Searching for him. He wasn't in the living room, not in the bath room, not in the kitchen, not in the study. Not in the dining room, not in the music room. The last place she checked was the bedroom. He also wasn't there. Kairi slumped. She stared at the floor. When will he come back? He's been away one week too much. I want to see him again, she thought. She didn't notice the tears until they fell down her cheeks. It's always the same!, she angrily thought. She was right. She hadn't been that happy until the moment she met him. But also not that sad. His live as a star made them separate from each other very often. And now, he even had to stay away one more week. She stood up. She checked the phone. He didn't call. She went downstairs and grabbed her bag. Her cell phone was inside of it. She checked if he wrote her a message. He didn't. She got angry. "You wanted to return today! If you can't come today you should tell me!" she screamed. She breathed in and out. She had to calm down. She was about to explode. When she calmed down, she phoned him. It rang.

"Hello?"
"Hey Chazy!"

"Oh, hey Kairi. Is something wrong? You know you shouldn't call me if I'm somewhere far away."

"Yes. I have a problem."

"What's wrong?"

She didn't tell him immediately, she thought about her words.

"My problem is that it seems like I have to sleep alone tonight again."

"Oh."

After some seconds, he continued.

"I'm so sorry, Kairi… the guys told me we should stay three more days-"
"WHAT?" It was like she swallowed a razor-blade. It cut her heart into pieces.

"I'm so sorry but-"

"Nothing 'but'. Chester. I'm used to be alone. But you promised me to come back today. I know, it's not your fault you can't come back – but can you understand me? I… miss you so much. The only way I can sleep is crying myself to sleep. Chester, please, I need you… more than anything. Come home. I beg you to." She almost cried. No, she really cried.

"Kairi, I can't. I have to stay here."

"You always stay longer than you tell me! Don't you want to see me?"

"I do! Ask the others! I miss you like hell."

"But if you do… come… back…" The razor-blade slipped deeper.

"I can't…"

"Please…" Her tears didn't stop falling down.

"Kairi… do you really need me that much?"

"Can't you tell by hearing?"

"I'll come home."

Those words sounded like heaven. He'd come back. Really.

"…Really?"

"Yes."

"Thank you so much… Can you call me when you enter the plane?"

"Sure. Bye… love you."

"Love you, too."

She smiled. She was happy. Chester would come home again. But she was scared. What if he didn't like the news she wanted to tell him? What if he wasn't happy? She couldn't wait any longer to tell him. She decided to tell him when he calls again.

While Chester was driving to the airport, Kairi thought about him. About telling him the news. She was nervous. Scared. Excited. Happy. Sad.

About three hours after she came home, Chester called.

"Hey Kairi. I'm at the airport and my plane leaves in 40 minutes, I'll enter it in 10. How was your day?"

"Long. I didn't feel well. It was a hell, working 10 hours."

"Why did you work 10 hours?"

"I don't know. I didn't understand anything. It took me about an hour to understand it!" He laughed. She smiled.

"When will you be back?"

"Ugh, in about 7 hours? Go to sleep. Don't wait for me."

"I will. If I can."

They kept talking until Chester had to enter the plane. Kairi was very happy hearing his voice, knowing she'd sleep again beside him.

"Oh, I have to enter the plane. See you in about 7 hours."

"Chester?"

"Yes?"

"I... have to tell you something."

"You know, you can tell me everything."

"I… I am pregnant."

Silence. She wanted to see his face. She couldn't imagine how he'd have looked like. Angry? Surprised? Sad? Confused?

"You're… pregnant?"

"I am."

"What… when… how…?"

"The night before you left."

"Oh. But… you're only 17!"

"I know."

"You're sure?"

"Chester. You're the only boy I've ever slept with. I checked it. I am pregnant."

"Kairi…"

"Let's talk when you're home."

"Okay."

"Bye. I love you."

"Love you, too. Bye."

She understood his reaction. It came all of sudden. Unexpected. She was sure he didn't react like that because he didn't want her to be pregnant. But because he was confused. Suddenly, she was tired. She yawned. She decided to go to sleep. Maybe she would dream of him. Or of the baby. However; she walked towards the bed and began sleeping.

About 8 hours later, Kairi awoke. She had heard something. She looked around and saw something unbelievable.

"Is this a dream?" she asked.

"It isn't, Kairi. I'm home." She couldn't believe how cold his voice was. Or did she imagine that? Or was he really that angry? She was afraid.

"Chester… Welcome home."

"Thanks, Kairi."

"Do you wanna sleep now or… talk about it?"

"…Let's talk." He sat down beside her. He looked at her with his beautiful brown eyes and she could see her reflection. "So… you're really pregnant?"

"Yes."

"And… you're sure I'm the father?"

"Of course!"

"And how do you want to go to school and have a baby?"

"I don't know yet… but… why are you so angry?"

"I'm not angry-"

"I see it in your eyes."

He sighed.

"Kairi. Your future is important to me."

"Don't you wanna have the baby?"

"That's not the point – "

"Of course it is! You don't wanna have MY baby! We aren't married. And my parents wouldn't allow me to marry you. You know they don't like you. But you don't want to have a child born out of wedlock! You were married twice and you have 4 sons! So what's the problem about a third wife and a fifth child?"

She could see it in his eyes. He just didn't want to have her baby. The razorblade…

"That's not true. You see, I'm famous. I cannot take care of the baby. And you're still going to school. Who should raise the baby?"

"So you want me to abort."

"No but - "

"Let someone adopt the kid?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"I don't want anyone else to raise my child. I'm 17. I'll leave school in 7 months. So where's the problem?"

"You wanted to study."

"I can study later."

He looked at her with a sad expression.

"Kairi…"

"Chester… I love you… and honestly… it was my wish to get a baby with you…"

The only word she could describe his face now was 'angry'. He looked at her as if she killed his whole family. But why? What made him angry? She was afraid. He closed his eyes and breathed in and out in order to calm down.

"I. Don't. Want. You. To. Get. A. Baby. With. 17." He said. She could hear his anger.

"I didn't think you'd be one of those who leave their girlfriends if they're pregnant. But it seems like I was wrong." She said. Her own words torn her heart into little pieces. The tears ran down her face like a waterfall. She felt his hands touching her shoulder and hugging her, but she couldn't react. She wanted to push him away, but somehow it didn't work. Love, her brain told her.

"We'll find a way, I promise. Let's sleep." A good idea. It was 5 am. They could need some more sleep…

The next morning, the alarm clock rang at 11.55. Kairi woke up very soon and Chester did some seconds later. He turned the alarm clock off and walked towards the living room. Kairi ran after him. He turned on the TV and she stood beside him. All the time…

In the bathroom, she stood behind him. She watched him and waited for him to say something. When he wanted to say something, he looked in the mirror and saw her and then decided to do not say anything. His mouth moved but he didn't talk. It was like he talked to himself. After a while, Kairi decided to say something. Something very important. She hoped that those words would make him say something. She said "I love you."

He didn't answer. He looked at her reflection in the mirror and left the house.