I don't even know what this is guys. I really don't. But yeah, I had to write it because Rachel Berry in Britney's schoolgirl outfit? The writers seriously messed up there, because there is no way that Puck could have missed that. So yeah. But anyway, sorry for any errors, because I literally wrote this in ten minutes, and just decided to post it all spontaneously. Waaaay. :)
Review? :)

He can't understand. Seriously. He just can't understand how the hell Rachel Berry is managing to make pigtails look so fucking sexy. There must be something majorly wrong with his brain, because all Noah Puckerman can see is some sort of slow-motion effect as she walks down the hallway of William McKinley high school, pigtails bouncing with every step she takes. That short-ass skirt she's wearing makes him want to rip it off her, despite the fact that there's barely anything there to begin with. Her legs... Oh fuck. Her legs. They look long, and tanned, and just plain awesome. The white shirt she has tied up at the bottom exposes her toned stomach and as he stares, he realizes he wants nothing more in the entire world than to trace her belly button with his tongue. He's practically drooling over her, along with every other male (and also Brittany) in the hallway, and she seems completely oblivious.

It must be kinda weird that he wants to cover her up and shield her from all the eye-fucks that the guys are giving her, when he's pretty much doing the same thing himself. It's just that... he kind of wants to be the only one who can look at her, you know? And fuck, if he could, he'd look at her all fucking day every day. What? The whole schoolgirl-gone-bad thing is sexy. Definitely sexy. He feels kind of hot, and his pants are definitely a little tighter than usual in the groin area.

Seriously, how could she not realize that she is the object of all eyes in the corridor? But no, all she seems focused on is Finn, as she makes her way over to him. Puck curses under his breath as her boyfriend immediately throws his zipper around her small frame. With a sigh, he turns around and heads to class, kind of wishing he was Finn, just so that he was allowed to throw Rachel against the lockers and kiss her stupid. Not that Finn would have the balls to do that in school anyway. Dude was an idiot.

"Fuck." He swears again and trips some freshman kid up with his foot, just for the sake of it.

He's heading for the cafeteria the next day when he feels a tap on his shoulder and hears an uncertain, familiar-sounding voice come from behind him.

"Noah? Can I talk to you for a second?"

He turns around to see Rachel staring at him hopefully. She's wearing a blue, polka-dot dress today, much less revealing than yesterday's outfit, and yet he can't help but think she looks fucking gorgeous in that too. Hell, even those creepy animal sweaters look good on her.

"Sure, Berry. What's up?"

Rachel shoots him a small smile and shakes her head. "Not here. Somewhere private?"

Puck is really kind of confused but shrugs his shoulders anyway. "Lead the way. But make it quick, because a man like me needs his protein, and I'll legit fucking kill someone if I don't get a cheeseburger."

She laughs a little and rolls her eyes. "Is that all you do? Eat?"

"Pretty much."

"But, you know, I really think you should consider vegan burgers. It's a much healthier option and some of the substitute meat is really-"

"Shut up."

He ends up following her to the choir room, where she closes the door behind her. He really doesn't have a damn clue what's about to happen, but he's going along with it anyway because, you know, she's hot. And she smells pretty good too. Like fruity and delicious.

He really, really wants to taste her.

Rachel takes his hand and leads him to the chairs, and they both take a seat. There's a brief silence as she tries to figure out what to say, and Puck really isn't used to Rachel being quiet. It's making him nervous.

"Yo, if you're stunned by my good looks and boyish charm, we don't need to talk about it. We can just make out."

Rachel rolls her eyes again and hits him lightly on the shoulder. "As you know, I'm taken-"

"Heard that before. What do you want, Rachel?"

She sighs and bites her lip for a second, dropping her gaze onto the floor. "It's Finn."

Those two words are enough to make Puck wish he hadn't agreed to a private conversation. He doesn't want to talk about Finn. At all. With a groan, Puck leans back in the chair and rests his hands behind his head.

"Fuck. What about him?"

"He... I don't think that... It's just..."

"Jesus Christ, would you just spit it out before I die of starvation?"

Rachel glares at him, and Puck stares blankly back at her, challenging her. It's Rachel who breaks the look by sighing worriedly and closing her eyes, bringing a hand up to her temple to rub at it, as if it was painful. Puck raises one of his eyebrows. She's acting fucking crazy right now. Crazier than usual.

"You picked me over football." Rachel states suddenly, and Puck is rather surprised at the statement.

"Yeah, so?" He pulls her hand away from her face, and she opens her eyes to look at him.

"Was it an easy decision?"

He shrugs. He doesn't have a clue about what to say at all. He fucking hates these types of conversations. He never discusses his feelings. Ever. Does it look like he has a vagina and a pair of tits? Exactly.

Rachel grabs his hand and holds onto it for a second. "What made you choose me?"

"You're hotter than Karofsky and Azimio."

She smiles a little. "Be serious, Noah."

"I'm deadly serious, babe."

She prods him slightly in the chest and he laughs. "I dunno, you were worth it I guess. Picking you and Glee over the team made you happy. I had a commitment to my girl."

Rachel beams at his words and Puck can't help but feel pretty damn proud that he was the one to cause that little blush in her cheeks. She's fucking cute, okay?

"What's this about, anyway?"

Her smile fades a little. "Finn is picking football over me. Football is dangerous. And when he's on the team he'll be around cheerleaders, and... Well, you know yourself that Finn has very little control or will-power. He cheated on Quinn with me, and he cheated on me with Santana and Brittany, and I'm just afraid that-"

"Rachel. Stop." Puck is getting really pretty sick of hearing Finn's name. And Rachel's right. His will-power is non-existent. I mean, fair enough, he kind of cheated too, but he's learned his lesson after the whole baby drama. He wasn't going to do the whole cheating thing ever again, because giving up Beth was the worst pain he'd ever felt in his entire life. So, yeah. He's over the cheating thing. And he can't help but feel sorry for Rachel, who is so fucking insecure over her own relationship because she's dating the most stupid guy he's ever met in his entire life. Yeah, the guy may be his best friend, but seriously, he's almost brain-dead sometimes. But Finn's his boy. And Rachel needs reassurance. And he hates himself for being such a pussy.

"Look, Rachel, Finn loves you. Yeah, we both know that he's an idiot, but I'm pretty sure that Finn is really trying to be different this time. Just give it a chance, and you know, if he messes you up then I'll mess his face up."

Rachel looks at him with wide, trusting eyes, and the fact that Finn got to her first makes him want to punch the wall.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Rachel takes a deep breath and gets to her feet, running her hands through her hair. Puck stands too, and Rachel suddenly throws himself at him, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug.

Puck rubs her back lightly, wanting to kill himself. Or maybe Finn. Yeah. Finn.

"You're a good friend, Noah. You're actually probably one of the best friends I have."

And just like that, Puck feels like a crappy person. He's not a good friend at all. He's crushing on his friend's girlfriend. Again. Like he didn't learn what could happen the hard way just last year.

"Don't say that." He mumbles awkwardly, but hugs her anyway, because fuck. She smells like... summer or something. S'good.

"I mean it." Rachel smiles and steps back. "You always seem to help me when I need it. Thank you."

"S'no problem." Mumbling again. He's pathetic, he really is.

"Okay." Rachel stands up straight and salutes him (who the hell can get away with being that dorky and cute besides her?) with a bright smile before stepping towards the door.

"I should go. I have to finish transposing my sheet music for 'I Feel Pretty' from the remarkable West Side Story. Enjoy your cheeseburger, Noah! I'll see you at Glee."

And with that she's gone, leaving Puck with a big-ass headache and a feeling of desperation. How the hell did he get himself into this situation again?

See? Fucking pathetic.