Chapter 1: The Opening Chapter or Whatever
Obligatory Disclaimer: I do not own Scott Pilgrim ECT. ECT.
Boy, it's been a long time since I've done something like this, eh? Let's do this!
Also, this story was and is still being written for NaNoWriMo. And while I spell-checked it, there might be a few grammatical errors, plot holes, and overall suckiness that I need to fix in the future. Tell me what you think of course, but keep in mind that I'm going for quantity over quality at this point.
"...you know, like people could just scratch off the P and turn it into an F or whatever." said Scott. "Cool, huh?"
Wallace shot his ex-roommate a glazed look. "Uh-huh. That's great, Scott." he yawned, "But did you really have to break into my room at two in the morning just so you could tell me the Pac-Man story?"
Scott looked puzzled. "Oh...? OH!" he said, holding up a crumpled piece of paper. "I almost forgot to mention: Some idiots attached it to a brick, and tossed it through my window. I spent, like, the last half-hour telling you about it!"
"Oh, I'm sorry." said Wallace, rubbing his eyes in an effort to keep them open. "I think I was still asleep at that point. Here, let me see that..." Wallace took the note from Scott, and sleepily looked it over. The note was a tattered, piece of black parchment, covered in elegant cursive handwriting penned in stark white.
"Yeah, I can't read cursive." Scott admitted. "And Ramona's visiting her parents for thanksgiving. So I thought, 'Hey! Maybe Wallace could help! He's a smart guy and everything!' So I snuck into your room through the window you always leave unlocked that I used that time I lost my keys and then I remembered this funny story I heard why he's called Pac-Man, and then you asked why I'm in your room so I began to tell you and now here we are I guess."
Wallace gave Scott a blank stare. "Whatever." he said, as he began to scan the document Scott had given him. "Dear Mr. Pilgrim," read Wallace. "It has come to my attention that you have not only bested the league of evil exes, but you yet persevere to build a relation with Ms. Ramona Flowers. In the spirit of fair play I offer you a warning: Should you continue down this path you with be met with consequences most -ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." Wallace began to snore loudly as he drifted off into dream land.
"WALLICE!" shouted Scott, causing Wallace to resume consciousness.
"Geeze, all right..." he moaned, "...what you've got is another supervillain threat letter, probably from an evil-ex that thought Gideon was a dick or something. Now can I please go to back to sleep?"
"This is serious, Wallace!" Scott grabbed the paper out of his friend's hand. "I could be in danger! Or, like, my stuff could be in danger!"
"Or Ramona?" murmured Wallace.
"Yeah, her too!" Scott replied. "Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, I'm going to find someone who will!"
Scott got up, and was about to storm out the door when he felt Wallace tugging on his pants. "Okay, geeze." Wallace said. "I'll help you with your supervillain problem. Just give me one of those energy things I keep on the ..."
It was about a half-hour later, and Wallace was wide-awake and ready to tackle the day.
"You do realize you're going to owe me big time, right?" he said. "I mean, REALLY big. Like, a bank robbery or something, right?"
"Just as long as it doesn't involve having sex with you." replied Scott.
Wallace paused as he considered possibility, only to dismiss it as being too creepy even by his standards. "Okay, where were we?" his eyes darted around the page, searching for the spot he had left at. "Oh yes... should you continue down this path you with be met with consequences most dire, as you shall face the wrath of we who whiter in darkness, cursed never to see the light of day. We shall drag you into the depths our soul, where the unending sorrow will consume you and blah blah brink of oblivion blah blah blah cold-hearted void of eternity blah blah blah etcetera etcetera... wow. I've never seen so much Goth poetry in once place since my fling with that vampire back in high school."
"Wait, you dated a vampire?" asked Scott.
"Yeah. They're kind of overrated." replied Wallace. "Long story short; don't take them out for Italian food. Trust me on this one." he covered his mouth as he made a small cough. "Anyway, the gist is that these guys are probably a bunch of emo guys that want to kill you because they wanted to go out with Ramona after she dumped Gideon, but you beat them to the punch."
"I don't understand." said Scott.
"Yeah, I didn't think you would." Wallace gave Scott a hearty slap on the back. "Well, good luck fighting for your life! And as your friend, I promise that I will support you every step of the way!"
Suddenly, there was a brilliant flash of lightning, and the power went out. Slowly, the two young men turned towards the front door, and stared at the pale, red glow coming through the front window, which was now the room's only source of illumination.
"...and by 'support you', I mean I'll hide in my apartment and board up all of my doors and windows." With a mighty heave, Wallace shoved Scott the front door, sending toppling onto his front steps. "Go get 'em, tiger!" he said before slamming the door shut.
"Yeah. Thanks a lot, Wallace..." Scott grumbled as he pulled himself off the ground, brushing some leaves off his jacket. That's when he noticed a cloaked figure emerging from the darkness. Soon, this figure was joined by another. And then another. And yet others still, until there were 13 in all, staring at Scott ominously.
"So... uh... I guess you're the bad guys?" said Scott.
"That would be... correct." said the central figure.
"Okay, cool. Whatever." Scott assumed a fighting stance. "So which one of you idiots do I get to fight first?"
The cloaked figures began to laugh, only to fall silent when the leader raised his hand. "Quite. He is but a child. He has yet to fully grasp the power we command. Nor would he be able to, as his insignificant mind would turn inwards on itself were he to comprehend."
Scott rolled his eyes. "Um, dude? I'm 25. I'm not exactly what you'd call a 'kid'..."
"Hm hm hm..." the central figure chuckled. "I can see why Ramona is so fascinated with you, Scott Pilgrim..." Slowly, he lowered his hood, revealing the face of the second most effeminate-looking man Scott would ever meet. He had long, silver hair parted into a neat "V" shape, as well as symmetrical, almost androgynous features that were only marred by piercing red eyes.
"Allow me to... introduce myself." he said. "My name is Zephyr Vashyron Archimedes Gilgamesh Arcadia Pendragon Arches Hercules Saotome Bloodstone Houdini Medusa Kingston Saskue Stradivarius Wolfgang Plainstrider Archangel Arcana Armstrong Vavatorez Quantos Seraphim Michelangelo Donatello Leonardo Raphael Gotham Pandemonium Dementia Nineveh Darkness Marvollo Riddle Bladeson Earthwalker Sodom Dragonite Horus Tentacruel Mustang Flrozencia Stockholm Washington Mestophilies Gandhi Solomon Judas Cain Borgia Dragmire Vespucci Jericho Evangeline Pandorium Axiom Killmaster Ashley Uzimaki Ringo Sarutobi Wheatley Mason Spiegel Gristle Thornbody Zimmerman Charcoal Angelo Setsuna Kumogakure Emmanuel Maximillian Asimov Elegantor Narukami Starr Lamperogue Ichigo Yagami Elric Elizondo Nebuchadnezzar Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Schidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Anita Hore Pierre Aundre Charton Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser Von Humperdink."
"...That's kind of a mouthful." said Scott. "It's almost as if a lazy author was trying to pad out his book."
"Yes... I've often thought the same thing myself." said Zephyr Vashyron Archimedes Gilgamesh Arcadia Pendragon Arches Hercules Saotome Bloodstone Houdini Medusa Kingston Saskue Stradivarius Wolfgang Plainstrider Archangel Arcana Armstrong Vavatorez Quantos Seraphim Michelangelo Donatello Leonardo Raphael Gotham Pandemonium Dementia Nineveh Darkness Marvollo Riddle Bladeson Earthwalker Sodom Dragonite Horus Tentacruel Mustang Flrozencia Stockholm Washington Mestophilies Gandhi Solomon Judas Cain Borgia Dragmire Vespucci Jericho Evangeline Pandorium Axiom Killmaster Ashley Uzimaki Ringo Sarutobi Wheatley Mason Spiegel Gristle Thornbody Zimmerman Charcoal Angelo Setsuna Kumogakure Emmanuel Maximillian Asimov Elegantor Narukami Starr Lamperogue Ichigo Yagami Elric Elizondo Nebuchadnezzar Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Schidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Anita Hore Pierre Aundre Charton Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser Von Humperdink. "In any case, in casual conversation I ask you to address me as 'Zephyr'."
"Whatever you say Vashron Arkstone Pencil...fist... Von whatever." said Scott.
Zephyr placed his hand on his forehead. "...I truly cannot wait to be rid of you." His palm began to glow with radiant energy, and he began to pull what appeared to be a glowing, purple rapier from out of his own skull. "Behold, The Mind's Eye!" he exclaimed. "One of the seven Blades of the Soul, it is said that he who holds all seven will achieve dominance over man and beast alike!"
"I dunno, it seems like that would be pretty impractical... cuz' you know... swinging seven swords at once would be pretty difficul- you know what, never mind." Scott reached into his chest and pulled out the power of Love and Self-Respect. "I kinda wanted an excuse to use both of these things at once, anyway."
Zephyr's eyes widened at the sight of the purple and blue katanas. "...so the rumors are true..." he said."Hm hm hm..." he chuckled. "To think, a hipster from Toronto would acquire not one, but two of the Blades by pure chance..." His chuckle soon turned to a hearty laugh, as he spread his arms wide open. "I appear to have misjudged you, Scott Pilgrim! You may, in fact, have a place in our organization after all!" he extended a hand in the young man's direction. "Join me, Scott. Cast your heart into the shadows, and help me envelop the world in a cascade of never-ending darkness, by releasing the great beast from the dark realms of the abyss!"
"Why the hell would I want to do that?" asked Scott.
"Because it is your destiny! Darkness is the true nature of humanity! By denying the darkness, you deny-"
"No, seriously." Interrupted Scott. "Why the hell would I want to do that? It not only sounds really, really dangerous, but also really, really pointless."
"Um..." Scott's words hung in the air while Zephyr struggled to come up with the proper response. "Because it'll be really... ironic... for some reason?"
"Eh." Scott shrugged. "I'll pass. Destroying the world isn't exactly my thing."
"Very well then..." Zephyr readied his own blade. "In that case, you too shall become a casualty to the unending power of... darkness!"
Without warning, Zephyr lunged forward, holding The Mind's Eye steady as he closed the distance between him and his opponent, and swinging it once he had gotten in range. Thinking quickly, Scott crossed his own swords together, and caught Zephyr's blade between his own weapons. He then ducked to avoid skewered, as the cloaked man withdrew his blade and attempted to stab him from a different angle. Scott planted his hands on the ground, and kicked the sword out his opponent's hand, causing him to fumble momentarily as he attempted to retrieve it. This gave Scott the perfect opportunity to go in for the kill, but found Zephyr to be too quick on the uptake, as he had retrieved his weapon in time to parry Scott's counterattack.
"What? Is that the best you've got?" zephyr mockingly asked. "And here I thought the man who defeated Gideon could put up a better fight. For a moment there I thought you showed some promise... but now I see that you were just lucky."
"Oh yeah!" struggled to decide on the proper comeback. "Well... luck this!"
Scott turned into a neon whirlwind of blades, as he came at Zephyr with strike after strike. But despite his best efforts, he found he was getting nowhere, with Zephyr effortlessly blocking each and every strike with a smug look on his face. Worn from such a fevering burst of activity, Scott leaped back, and took a moment to catch his breath.
Zephyr yawned. "Are you done warming up yet? I would like to know when I should start fighting back..."
Scott barred his teeth. Something had just snapped deep inside of that which was Scott Pilgrim. He didn't know what this guy's deal was, but there was no way Scott going to lose to this Final Fantasy reject. No way was he going to let this jerk steal Ramona and destroy the world or whatever. No... She was his property! She belonged to Scott! Not this douchebag! HOW DARE HE TRY TO STEAL SCOTT'S WOMAN!
"▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!" Scott released a primal scream of such horrific magnitude, that it shook the leaves off every tree in the block. With both swords drawn, he rushed at Zephyr, fully intending to cut that bastard's head off and make a puppet out of his skull. Scott's blades closed upon the young man's neck, and with one swift movement, severed Zephyr's neck from his body. Scott laughed uproariously as his opponent's corpse exploded into a pile of coins, and continued to laugh as he watched them fall from the sky, paying no heed to the minor stinging he felt as the collided with his face.
And then, Scott felt a sharp pain in his lungs, and the laughter stopped immediately.
Slowly, he turned his head, and found Zephyr standing behind him, thrusting a blade into Scott's ribcage.
"Did you have a nice nap, Mister Pilgrim?" he said.
"...B-But... how did you...?" Scott stammered.
"The mind is a fascinating thing." the young man replied, Removing his blade by kicking Scott onto the ground. "While we think of ourselves as conscious beings, we are nothing more than a collection of complex chemical reactions defined by physical laws. Chemical reactions that can be..." He grinned as he held his sword up to Scott's throat. "...manipulated."
"...Y-You cheated..." Scot muttered as he began to cough up blood.
"Did I, now?" Zephyr put a finger to his lips. "Well in that case, I'm sorry that I didn't give you a fair fight. Just like I'm sure you felt sorry when you tricked Todd Ingram into losing his powers. Or how you tricked Lucas Lee into killing himself by giving him an impossible challenge. Or maybe how you felt sorry about not telling Ramona the truth about who you really are. About the darkness that dwells within you waiting for chance to-"
"-Look!" Scott interrupted. "I get it! But I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but I get it! You're some kind of nihilist and you really, really like to talk about it! So if you're going to kill me, do it! You don't need to torture me as well!"
To Scott's great surprise, Zephyr looked... confused. Planting his foot on Scott's stomach, he looked Scott straight in the eye. "You... really have no idea, do you?"
"Uh... no?" said Scott.
Zephyr got off of Scott, and began to walk away. "Very well then. It would be a waste of time to kill you as you are now." He snapped his fingers, and Scott found himself drowning in what appeared to be a pool of a black tar. The young man tried to break free, but he was making no progress, and his strength was fading fast. "Don't struggle." said Zephyr. "You'll only make the bleeding worse."
Scott tried to scream a string of explcitives at his captor, but whenever he ended up swallowing more and more of the black tar. Soon, the darkness had fully enveloped him.
These were the last words Scott heard before he blacked out: "Think of this as a favor, Scott Pilgrim. I can't expect to take you seriously unless I see your true form, so don't come back until you discover who you truly are!"
The pool then shrunk to the size of a puddle, and then to the side of a thimble, and before you know it, it was gone, Scott along with it.
Zephyr clapped his hands together. "Well, I think that's the last we'll be seeing of Mr. Pilgrim." he smirked at the thought of the extraordinary pain Scott was no doubt suffering. "Now come, my brothers, we have a plane to catch! Now that Scott Pilgrim is out of the picture, 'Operation Send Scott Pilgrim to Another Dimension and Replace Him with a Doppelganger' can now commence!"
"But Zephyr Vashyron Archimedes Gilgamesh Arcadia Pendragon Arches Hercules Saotome Bloodstone Houdini Medusa Kingston Saskue Stradivarius Wolfgang Plainstrider Archangel Arcana Armstrong Vavatorez Quantos Seraphim Michelangelo Donatello Leonardo Raphael Gotham Pandemonium Dementia Nineveh Darkness Marvollo Riddle Bladeson Earthwalker Sodom Dragonite Horus Tentacruel Mustang Flrozencia Stockholm Washington Mestophilies Gandhi Solomon Judas Cain Borgia Dragmire Vespucci Jericho Evangeline Pandorium Axiom Killmaster Ashley Uzimaki Ringo Sarutobi Wheatley Mason Spiegel Gristle Thornbody Zimmerman Charcoal Angelo Setsuna Kumogakure Emmanuel Maximillian Asimov Elegantor Narukami Starr Lamperogue Ichigo Yagami Elric Elizondo Nebuchadnezzar Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Schidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Anita Hore Pierre Aundre Charton Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser Von Humperdink," said one of the other cloaked figures, "why did you let him live?"
Zephyr rubbed his hands together in sadistic glee. "Simple: I WANT Scott Pilgrim to come back. I want him to see me taking his place, and stealing Ramona from him. I want to break him, to destroy the very essence of his being, so that may never again be a threat to our plans! And the only way to do that is to take from him what matters most... namely his precious little life!"
The minion thought about this for a moment, and then said: "But... if he comes back... couldn't he just prove that he was the real Scott by, like, showing Ramona his driver's license or telling her something that only he would say or something like that?"
"Don't be absurd! That obviously won't work because... I..." Zephyr eye twitched slightly as he noticed the gaping hole in his plan. "OH CRAP, I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT!" he began to pace the street in front of Wallace's apartment, muttering to himself. "crap crap crap what am I going to do I gotta think that's it I've got to take some deep breaths and think thats right nice deep breaths and once I do that I can figure out a way to salvage this situation I mean you've come this far right I know I'll build a time machine and warn my past self about no wait that's a stupid idea what were you thinking arg I've just got to-"
One of the other minions coughed. "Uh... excuse me, sir. You were sending Scott to MY dimension, right?"
"Was it the populated by ferocious animals with the power to control the elements that humans use for a government-sanctioned blood-sport that children of your culture participate in as a rite of passage?"
"...In a manner of speaking, yes. But I think I know my own world well enough to stage an... 'Accident' if you know what I mean?"
"Actually, I don't know what you mean. How would staging an accident help any? You'd just make yourself look stupid and your insurance rate would skyrocket!"
The minion shook his head. "No, no, what I mean is follow Scott to my dimension, and... Finish the job for you."
"I don't think you understand the plan here." said Zephyr. "The job was that we would get rid of the real Scott Pilgrim, and then fly to the U.S. so we could impersonate him. What does you going to your home dimension have to do with finishing anything?"
"I MEAN I'M GOING HOME TO KILL HIM YOU KNUCKLEHE- I mean... sir."
Zephyr rubbed his chin as he considered his minion's suggestion. "Hm... nah, that's not going to... wait! Actually, I just had an even better idea!" He pointed at the minion. "We sent him to your world, right?"
"Um, yes. I thought we established-"
"You must know your world like the back of your hand, right?"
"Didn't I just say-"
"Which means..." Zephyr began to smile fiendishly. "...you can find a way to kill Scott Pilgrim that won't draw any attention to us. You will, 'make it look like an accident', as they say in the mafia business."
"Yeah boss." the minion sighed. "That's a brilliant plan, all right."
"Indeed! I astound even myself sometimes with my brilliance!" Zephyr snapped his fingers, and a black portal appeared behind the minion. "Now go! Kill Scott Pilgrim! The fate of our order depends on it."
"Whatever. " said the minion, who let him be swallowed by the swirling darkness.
Zephyr then turned to face the other minions. "Now come!" he said. "We have a plane to catch! Ramona flowers will never know what hit her!"
Meanwhile, somewhere in Minnesota, Ramona Flowers sneezed.
"Was someone just talking about me?"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, before anyone points out that Scott just had a serious Out of Character moment, I should point out that this fic goes by the movie continuity, which (among other changes) leaves out an important plot development from the last issue of the Graphic Novel. That being said, I'm not going to say exactly what it is until the very end, so don't worry about comic spoilers. Just be assured that there is a reason for Scott acting like a misogynistic jerk that won't turn out to be something really stupid like Scott being a serial killer or whatever.
And yes, Zephyr is a total Marty Stu. Or at least he thinks he is. He's the sort of person who'd drop Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff quotes to make himself the center of attention without understanding that they're supposed to be ironic. I should point out that Scott was actually WINNING the fight before Zephyr started taunting him, and even that only worked because Scott is as easily manipulated as Zephyr is conceited.