Welcome to Kyle's Rants! (Note: This chapter has been rewritten)

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park in any way whatsoever. Don't sue me, because I spend all my money on hoodies and pasta.

What the fuck have I stumbled into? I mean, I was bored – Really bored. What do you do when you're bored? Search up your house on Google Maps. The last thing I was expecting was to come across this. I mean, holy shit, I didn't even know this existed!

How many years have I been oblivious to this? I mean….fuck…

Well, anyway, after a bit of research, I came across a crazy bitch under the alias Cookie. She had an understanding of this 'fanfiction', and told me I should rant to you guys via FanFiction, to try and get the message across.

I guessed it was worth a try, so that's why I'm here. Well, not specifically here, as in being physically inside your laptop/computer/phone. That's just being retarded. Actually, now that I think about it, there was that one time with Facebook…I was acting like a bitchy teenage girl though…I tend to push it to the back of my memories.

So, I eventually came across 'Fanart' when I searched my name in Google Images. Come on, who hasn't searched their name in Google before? Well, that's the point of focus for my first rant. I don't want to be a critical little bitch, but I think this really is something to rant about.

My motherfucking hair.

Firstly, for fuck's sake, my hair is red, guys. Not fire-truck red, not orange, not ginger, natural RED! Why don't people get that? Seriously, could you at least get the colour right? I'm sorry for sounding like an asshole, but I'm being serious here. There is a difference between orange and red. The two are similar, but there is a difference.

I guess I can't be a total asshat about the colour though. I mean, I don't really like showing my hair that much anyway.

Secondly, my hair is a fucking bunch of curls, which won't straighten even if I try! Why does most fan art have me with straightened hair? Yes, I have actually tried to straighten my hair. The straighteners got caught in my hair, and eventually burned a chunk of. That's why I don't even try going near them anymore. Not to mention the smell of burnt hair is insanely strong. Imagine that lingering around your nose for a day or two.

I mean, sometimes in fan-art, it's sort of curly, but have you seen my fucking hair? It's a huge motherfucking bunch of curls! Goddamnit, I don't even like talking about this. I hate my hair.

It's annoyingly untameable too. If I try to brush it, it doesn't work. Actually, the brush usually ends up stuck in my hair, and I have to pull the little fucker out. Not trying to sound like a wimp, but it hurts. Not as much as boiling hot metal straighteners buring into your scalp though. That really fucking hurts.

And then, some people think my hair looks 'cute'. Cute? Really? Of all things, cute? You make it sound like I'm some sort of kitten. Is that why I'm always the girly character in fan art? I'd go into more detail on this, but I'll leave that for another rant.

Another thing, why does my hair usually look so girly in freakin' fan art? Stan's looks awesome, Kenny's looks sexy (In a not gay way), and fuck, even Cartman's hair looks better than mine. For fucks sake, why don't you just put it into a freakin' ponytail? It probably already exists though, am I right?

To top that, a lot of people think I look like a strawberry. A strawberry, really? Do they have to pick the girliest fruit to resemble me? Well, at least it isn't a Goddamn banana. Fuck, I hate bananas.

So. Fucking. Much.

I think I'll wrap it up here, mainly because the subject of my hair makes me want to pull my hat down across my eyes.