The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is at an audition. This is just some flashback madness from my tiny little mind. What if Mallory tried to find someone to play Archer's dad? How would that go?
The Role Of Archer's Father
Once upon a time…Many years ago in an old movie theater in New York City…There as an audition.
"All right!" A thin man with balding red hair and a beard wearing black jeans and a white shirt spoke up to a group of actors. He looked like a young Bob Fosse. "Listen up!"
"My name is Max Hanberg. Not hamburger! I'm a well-known Broadway producer, director and choreographer. I don't know what you've been told but today's audition is not for my newest play, Bombs Over Broadway. Which according to the reviews, the name is ironically prophetic."
"No, this is a long-term role. To put it simply you are auditioning to pretend to be a father to a little boy in real life. For about one thousand dollars a month. If any of you have any moral or personal objections to lying to a little boy for cash you are free to leave now."
Max paused when no one moved. "Don't everybody stampede out the door at once."
"Okay. We're ready. Ms. Archer? You're up!"
"Good," A young Mallory Archer in a beautiful blue dress walked up and addressed the group. "Hello gentlemen. My name is Mallory Archer. To put it simply I'm looking for a father for my son so that he won't be a bastard like his father."
"This is at least an eighteen to twenty-year commitment," Mallory explained. "But you won't be expected to perform all the time. In fact, you probably won't have to see him that often. Maybe take him a couple weeks out of the year for some kind of father-son camping trip when he comes back from boarding school. Honestly that will greatly free up my time."
"You may have to send him a postcard or something in the mail once a month. Or every two or three months. The point is, you will get paid very well for doing very little. As men you should be used to that."
"Here's the basics of the part," Mallory had a list. "Our son's name is Sterling Archer. He's three. No wait, four. Or is it five? It doesn't matter. I need a man to show up from time to time to be his father and try to mold him into a man I can be proud of. I don't want to end up with some weak-willed little mama's boy."
"Let me tell you some more about this part," Mallory said. "The name of Sterling's father is Captain John Fitzgerald Archer of the Air Force. But he is definitely not Irish! Repeat! Not Irish!"
Mallory did a double take at the group. "And he's definitely not Chinese either! What the hell is a Chinese guy doing here?"
"It's an open casting call," Max explained.
"It's not that open!" Mallory snapped. "I may not remember much about my son's father but I know he's white. In fact, there's a possibility he might be too white if it was the albino. Nevertheless…"
"Sorry Lee," Max waved. "Maybe next time?"
"It's always next time man!" Lee snapped as he left the room.
"Now the part does call for Sterling's father to be tall," Mallory looked at the group. "But not too tall! You, you, and you are out! I'm looking for a father figure. Not the Jolly Green Giant's understudy! Out!"
"That also means I don't want any short people," Mallory looked over the group. "I don't really see any here…Wait a minute. You on the end. With the thick boots. You're wearing lifts, aren't you?"
"You could always say my shins got blown off during battle," The man admitted. "He's a three or four or five-year-old kid! He'll believe it!"
"I like your ability to ad lib," Mallory admitted. "You can stay. I'll give you a shot. Speaking of which."
Mallory pulled out a flask from her purse. "That's better. Let's move on to thinning the herd."
Mallory looked over the group. "Which leads me to another thing about this part. John Fitzgerald Archer is a military hero. He's supposed to be fit and active. The last thing I need is for my son to develop bad eating habits and become an obese little piggy. That means all fatties are out!"
"Looking at you Thunder Thighs! Scram!"
Mallory looked over the group again. "Why are you here? Your tits are bigger than mine! Out!"
The two men left in a huff. "Okay now we're getting somewhere," Mallory looked over. "Okay I want my son's father to be thin. But not too thin! You're out too String Bean! Scram!"
Another man left. Mallory looked at her list. "Let's check what else. Ah. Good teeth. I need to see how good your teeth are…If you all don't mind smiling at me."
She checked them over. "Good, good, good, good…You on the end with the lifts…Very impressive smile. You. Oh no. Your character's heritage may be British but not that British! Out horse face!"
The man left in a huff. "Oh, don't pout you sissy!" Mallory shouted after him. "Everything else looks good…Hang on. Is that a wig? Are you wearing a toupee?"
She pulled it off a balding man. "HEY!" The actor protested.
"Out!" Mallory snapped. "And that goes for anyone else who's bald too!"
Another man left with the first one. "Now we're getting somewhere," Mallory looked over the group. "Okay. This is a good group. Good looking. I can work with this. Now let's get to the second part of the auditions."
"Okay," Max said as the two went to a table and sat down on some chair. "First up is Jack Green, auditioning for the role of John Fitzgerald Archer."
A very handsome man with black hair and blue eyes wearing jeans, boots and a sleeveless T-shirt walked up. "Hello," He said.
"This is promising," Mallory said. "Now a lot of things we're going to do are ad lib so I want to see what your reaction would be to certain things. For example, Sterling has broken a window with a football or something. You give him a talking to."
Jack nodded. Then he looked stern. "Son, you know what you did was wrong. Part of being a man is taking responsibility for what you've done."
"Ooh," Mallory purred. "I like that. Very macho. Let's try something else. A little role play if you will."
Mallory got up from behind the desk and went up to Jack. "Oh Jack, I've missed you so much!" She then kissed Jack passionately.
Jack pulled away. "Hang on! Hang on!" He said in a higher voice. "Nobody said anything about kissing a woman! That was not in the job description! I mean I can do it. I just wasn't prepared for it. I just need to mentally prepare that's all."
"You're gay?" Mallory pulled away.
"Fraid so," Jack shrugged.
"NEXT!" Mallory shouted. "And on that note is there anyone else here would not have sex with me?"
Five other men raised their hands. "Then you're either gay or blind," Mallory snapped. "In that case you're out too! Fly away Tinkerbells!" Jack and the other men left.
"Seriously?" Max shouted at Mallory.
"Oh please," Mallory snapped as she sat down. "Like your casting couch isn't full!"
"I think you're gorgeous babe," The man in lifts said. "I just can't imagine any man who wouldn't want to be with you. I would."
"Ooh," Mallory grinned. "Going for extra points. Like the initiative. Let's continue. Next!"
Another muscular young man with black hair in a tight blue shirt and pants walked up. "Sterling you need to take responsibility…" He said in a high voice.
"I said no gay guys!" Mallory snapped.
"I'm not gay!" The high-pitched man snapped. "I'm straight!"
"Could have fooled me," Mallory groaned.
"Okay let me stop you right there," Max interrupted. "We need you to use a deep voice."
"This is my deep voice," The high-pitched man said.
"I'm looking for a man!" Mallory snapped. "Not a mouse! NEXT!"
"You don't know what you're missing, babe," The high-pitched man sniffed before he turned on his heel and walked away.
"I should have gone with the gay guy," Mallory grumbled. "At least he could pretend to be butch!"
"We still have at least twenty other guys," Max said. "Plenty to choose from. Next!"
Another handsome black-haired man walked up. "Name's Dave Daring," He said. "And I'm auditioning for the role…"
"We know what you're auditioning for," Mallory interrupted. "Have I seen you before? I feel like I've seen you before."
"Oh, I've been on some small shows on off Broadway plays," Dave waved.
"No, it wasn't that," Mallory thought.
"I did a local commercial for a used car lot," Dave added.
"No, it wasn't that…" Mallory blinked. "I've seen you in something. I don't know what."
"I know!" The man in lifts spoke up. "It was Pool Boy Paradise!"
"SHUT UP GREG!" Dave snapped. "You little snitch!"
"That's it!" Mallory said. "That's where I've seen you before! Hang on, were you Pool Boy Number One or Two?"
"Number Three actually," Dave said.
"NEXT!" Mallory snapped. "Anything after two is not worth having! NEXT!"
"Is there anyone else that has been in a blue film?" Max sighed. Three other men raised their hands. "Thank you! Good bye!"
"Hang on," Mallory waved. "You on the end! Weren't you in Whatever Happened to Big Wayne?"
"Yes," A man said. "I played Wayne. Which is also my name. Which made it really easy to remember my lines. All three of them."
"I saw that one too," Mallory said. "He can stay."
"But he…?" Max began.
"He can stay!" Mallory snapped. "Trust me on this one. I think he has the equipment for this role."
"What happens if your kid finds out that equipment is on a triple X film?" Max asked.
"If anyone asks, I'll just say I have a twin brother," Wayne said. "I use that all the time. It works!"
"Another one who thinks on his feet," Mallory grinned. "Okay we're getting somewhere. You other pornos can leave. Wayne why don't you come up?"
"Come up where?" Wayne blinked.
"Towards us," Max said.
"Oh right," Wayne nodded. "Makes sense." He did so.
"So Wayne," Mallory grinned. "Tell us about yourself."
"Well…" Wayne thought. "I like football. And working out. I'm from Ohio. Oh bodybuilding. I'm thinking of getting into bodybuilding."
"Sounds good to me," Mallory grinned. "I've already seen your…credentials. How about we try a scenario here? How would you explain to my son about the birds and the bees?"
"I'd get an exterminator," Wayne blinked.
"Not actual birds and bees," Max groaned. "She's talking about sex you him-bo!"
"Oh that," Wayne said. "Oh, that's easy. I'd show him one of my porn movies."
"I'm kind of going for a different direction…" Mallory sighed.
"How about I show him one of my mom's porn movies?" Wayne asked. "She's the one who got me the starring role of Whatever Happened…"
"Never mind Wayne," Mallory sighed. "Don't call us, we'll call you. Spoiler alert. We won't."
"Next!" Max called out.
Another handsome man with black hair walked up. "I'd like to sing a song," He said in a high-pitched voice. "On the good ship, Lollipop…"
"NEXT!" Mallory shouted. "I'm looking for butch here! Macho! The opposite of you! If your voice was any higher only dogs would be able to hear you! NEXT!"
Another handsome man with black hair was next. "Hey dudes and dudettes! My name is Zipper D. Sly D. Wala Walla and I am ready to party!"
"You are D. As in done!" Mallory snapped. "No hippies!"
"I ain't no hippie!" Zipper said. "I'm a beatnik lady!"
"There's a difference?" Mallory asked.
"Uh yeah," Zipper said. "Beatniks started the whole non-conformist thing baby. Those lazy hippies just copied us!"
"Oh," Mallory said. "So you're an original loser? NEXT!"
"I gave up an afternoon at the So Ho Bo Ho for this?" Zipper grumbled.
"You're not the only one who is wasting their time," Mallory snapped. "The difference is that mine is valuable!"
"Man, nobody appreciates originality anymore!" Zipper grumbled as he left the stage.
"Max, I don't think you realize exactly what I am looking for here," Mallory told him. "I'm looking for a father figure as well as something on the side. All I'm seeing here is a side of stupidity!"
"You had a very specific type that is hard to fill," Max said. "I had five other guys that would have been perfect if you didn't have a problem with them being Irish!"
"I believe in getting what I pay for," Mallory snapped. "And for a thousand dollars a month I expect perfection! And if you think I'm going to pay you a cut…"
"We'll find someone," Max said. "There's still plenty here. Next!"
Another handsome man walked up. "I would like to sing…" He was clearly trying to lower his high voice. "Somewhere over the rainbow…"
"Is there a helium leak I don't know about?" Mallory shouted.
"Next!" Max sighed.
"Max where did you get some of these guys?" Mallory snapped. "The Lollipop Guild?"
"Again," Max said. "You had a very strict casting…"
"Strict?" Mallory snapped. "All I am looking for is a young-ish early middle-aged white man with black hair, blue eyes, deep voice, that is over six foot three but under six foot six. Not Irish, not gay, not married or has a girlfriend, has some rhythm but not a dancer. Doesn't smoke. Can drink almost toe to toe with me but not get drunk. Not a slob. Not an idiot. Knows social etiquette. Likes opera, fine cuisine and purebred dogs. Does not eat hot dogs. Can pass for upper middle class or rich. Knows just enough about history and literature without being a bookworm. Knows how to use a gun and take a punch. And is willing to pretend some kid isn't his and occasionally have sex with me for the next twenty something years! How hard could that be?"
Max looked at her. "Again…If you give a pass on the Irish guys…"
"Just get to the next one," Mallory groaned.
Another black-haired man walked up in a brown beaded jacket. "Whoa like this is a trip man…"
"You're about to take another one," Mallory snapped.
"Next!" Max knew where this was going.
"I feel like I'm watching a moron parade," Mallory snapped. "Each moron dumber than the next."
"Next," Max sighed.
Greg was next. "Hi there. Greg Henderson. And for my audition I'd like to try something. Miss Archer would you like to come up with me?"
"Why not?" Mallory admitted as she went up.
Greg held her hands and looked into her eyes. "My darling…It doesn't matter that those bastards took my shins. You already took my heart."
"Oooh!" Mallory twittered. "I like where this is going."
Greg moved closer. "How about you and me have a lovely meal at LeCirque before a stimulating night at the opera?"
"You're actually buying this?" Someone from the group called out.
"And she thinks we're dumb?" Another man shouted.
"Like he's totally sucking up to you!" The hippie called out.
"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted.
"You know," Greg grinned. "I think we had a moment just there."
"We did," Mallory grinned.
"There's some real chemistry here," Greg said.
"Oh definitely…" Mallory nodded.
"I mean obviously we need to work on the details," Greg added. "Why I haven't been around for starters. We could always say that I had amnesia or something and was in a hospital."
"I've already used the amnesia line on Sterling once," Mallory admitted. "Then again he may buy it…"
"That way if anyone calls me Greg for some reason, we could always say it has to do with the amnesia thing," Greg said.
"Greg Malowinski?" A police officer entered the stage with two others.
"Uh oh…" Greg gulped. He tried to run off.
"GET HIM!" The first police officer instructed the other two.
"Something tells me this has nothing to do with amnesia," Max groaned as the cops caught Greg.
"What's the meaning of this?" Mallory snapped.
"Ma'am we have a warrant for an arrest," The first police officer told her.
"First of all," Mallory stiffened. "It's Miss…Secondly what is he charged with?"
"He's wanted in three states for forgery," The police officer stated. "Non-payment of speeding tickets and other debt. Embezzlement…"
"Well that doesn't sound that bad," Mallory paused.
"And five charges of bigamy," The police officer finished.
Mallory glared at Greg. "You're dead to me!"
"Damn!" Greg groaned. "I guess I'm not getting a callback, right?"
"Only when Hell freezes over!" Mallory snapped.
"By the way," One of the other police officers spoke up. "Is there a Zipper D. Walla Walla…"
"He went out the back," Mallory pointed. "What's he wanted for?"
"Drug possession," The cop said.
"Quelle surprise," Mallory groaned as the police hauled Greg away. "This whole audition process is a disaster."
"I've seen worse," Max shrugged. "At least the stage isn't on fire."
"Damn it!" Mallory groaned. "I actually liked that one! We had real chemistry! Even if he did wear lifts!"
"Next…" Max sighed.
Another handsome man walked up. "Hello! I'm Harry Bergstein. And I'd like to audition by singing the title song from Oklahoma. Ahem. Ohhhhh-klahoma where…something something…Down the plains. Where…Something…Something…Actually can I try another song?"
"Fine," Mallory sighed. "Go for it."
"I will sing the song Try to Remember," Harry said. "No wait, I forgot the words to that one too."
"Don't suppose you would like the part?" Mallory sighed as she looked at Max.
"Lady I don't even visit my own kids," Max told her. "Much less someone else's."
"Can't blame you for that," Mallory sighed. "Okay that's it! Auditions are over!"
"What? After all that?" Max asked over the groans of the remaining men. "There's still a few left!"
"I don't care!" Mallory snapped. "I've seen more than enough. Auditions are over! You don't have to go home but you can't stay here!"
"What about your kid?" Max asked.
"Let's just say I'm going to take this in an entirely new direction," Mallory groaned. "I'll just tell Sterling his father is dead."
"Is his father dead?" Max asked.
"Well he's dead to me so…" Mallory sighed. "Probably should have done that in the first place. Could have saved myself some time."
"You know my cousin heads a junior ROTC team in Yonkers," Max said. "For a small fee they could probably fake a military funeral. What? The kid is like three or four! Or whatever. He won't know the difference!"
"How much?" Mallory sighed.
"600 dollars," Max said. "They need the money to go to a competition in Albany. If they win anything, I'll make sure you get a certificate."
"Eh, why not?" Mallory shrugged. "It's cheaper than hiring an actor."