SNOTLOUT'S OBSERVATIONS ON ASTRID'S CULINARY (MIS-) ADVENTURES
A/N: It happened again! Two authors, powered by alcohol and boredom, get hit by inspiration and complete insanity (not necessarily in that order…) And this time, Berk's resident mutton expert shares his observations on the culinary journey of Berk's worst ever recorded cook. And he has included a few rules if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. And remember-for Thor's sake-don't drink the Yaknog!
Disclaimer: We don't own How to Train Your Dragon. Rights remain with Cressida Cowell and Dreamwork.
-o-
Rule 1: Don't teach Astrid to cook
"Babe? Are you sure you don't want me to make breakfast?"
Astrid Hofferson-blonde, beautiful, athletic and generally the most competent and determined person in the history of Berk-was sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar in the apartment she shared with her boyfriend and new fiance, Hiccup Haddock. Tall, lanky, a bit prone to being clumsy but an excellent cook, Hiccup's green eyes widened comically.
"Um...no. Nope. Definitely not," he said too quickly, his light, slightly nasal voice almost verging on panic. Anxiously, he ran his hands through his messy auburn hair, making it look wilder than usual. It was a Saturday and he was dressed in green plaid PJ bottoms and a short-sleeved green tee-shirt. Astrid, in her baby blue shorts and vest top, was staring at him with her big blue eyes appealingly wide, her expression as innocent as it could be.
"Why not?" she asked. "I mean, it was hardly my fault that Mom never taught me…"
Hiccup had long wondered about that. Elsa Hofferson was one of the most traditional women he knew and even though her daughter was a straight A student, a track star and army reservist, she had gone through a very traditional Berkian upbringing with Snoggletog (not Christmas), learning to speak old Norse and worshipping the Viking deities, not the modern ones. And in Viking times, women cooked… Now he thought about it, there must have been an incident or two when Astrid was much younger that she had blanked out but which Elsa-like everyone else who ever encountered Astrid's cooking attempts-would never ever forget. And then there was...
"Yaknog," he reminded her with a shudder. At fifteen, determined that cookery couldn't be that hard for a student who had never failed to nail a chemistry experiment, she had reduced her entire family, friend group and anyone unlucky enough to be in the area to inpatients in a special ward they had opened at Berk General Hospital for cases of near-fatal food poisoning. She pouted.
"Babe-that was one teensy weensy little mistake I made seven years ago," she protested. "I mean, I know now I shouldn't have used chicken, wild duck, goose, quail and turkey eggs in with the goat, sheep and llama milk and that soured cow milk."
"It wasn't soured, it was mouldy because it was left on the side for two days by accident and was totally unfit for human consumption. In fact, I think they found some dead rats from where they poured the remainder down the drain."
"Oh really? How many?"
"Five hundred and eleven," Hiccup told her. "They were dead all over the streets!"
"But if no one ever teaches me, how can I learn?" she asked him reasonably and he sighed. The truth was, he still got nightmares about how utterly vile the drink had tasted-but because Astrid was his girlfriend and he loved her and didn't want to make her feel bad, no matter how dreadful it smelled-he had swallowed a large mouthful of the stuff. After he finally got off ITU, the doctors had told him one mouthful more would have killed him.
"Okay, come round here," he invited her and she gave a huge grin, slipping off the stool and padding round to stand distractingly close to him as he stood at the hob, gently stirring the scrambled eggs. "The keys to cookery are patience, care and following the recipe. If you season-which means adding salt-you do it cautiously. You can always add a pinch more but you can't take it out. If a recipe says over a medium heat, you do it over a medium heat because if you cook it over too hot a heat, there will be unwanted chemical effects on the consistency or taste. And if it takes time to cook, it takes time. If you try to rush it to save time, it all goes horribly wrong. And on fire."
"Got it so far," Astrid said, reaching for the wooden spoon and gently stirring the eggs.
"Good," he encouraged her. "I'll put the toast on." He deftly sliced the bread and then placed it under the grill. "This just needs to brown, not char. So don't turn it up. When it browns on both sides, take it out and butter it."
"Gotcha. Brown then butter," Astrid said, smiling. He pecked a kiss on her cheek.
"Can I just pop to the bathroom to clean my teeth?" he asked. "I'll be back on literally two minutes…" She pecked a kiss on his slightly stubbly cheek.
"You can trust me, babe," she told him and stared as he headed out. And then she sniffed, seeing smoke curling from the edge of the bread. Cursing, she snatched it out, yelping as the hot bread burnt her hand dropping it on the floor. Rolling her eyes, she hacked another wonky slab of bread off the loaf and jammed it into the grill, then turned back to the eggs, which had seized into a rubbery brown lump. Her eyes widened.
"Thor-why is this happening?" she muttered and then poured the mess in the sink, then swiftly cracked another three eggs into the hot pan, ground in a heavy topping of pepper and, bearing in mind Hiccup's words, a small pinch of salt, then stirring like crazy as the eggs instantly assumed a rubbery consistency. Sighing and turning up the heat to try to cook the new batch by the time he got out of the bathroom, she frowned. The wooden spoon clearly wasn't going to work... Scrabbling in the drawer, she found a whisk and urgently attacked the eggs, then sniffed as she smelled burning. Smoke was pouring out of the grill from where the unevenly hacked bread was resting against the element. Growling, she prised it out and buttered the other side, then jammed it back in.
There was a nasty hissing sound from the pan and Astrid belatedly realised she hadn't added any oil, so she swiftly sloshed a large dollop. It hissed fiercely and spat, then caught fire. Eyes wide, she cast around for something to put the fire out and grabbed the coffee, throwing it in. It spat even more and burning oil spurted all over the wall, the curtains and the tea towels. Grabbing the nearest one, she tried to thrash out the fire, only ending up spreading more flames to the nearest cupboard. Fire was also pouring out of what had once been a hunk of bread wedged into the grill as Hiccup returned to the scene of carnage. Belatedly, the fire alarm started beeping.
"My kitchen!" he protested, his jaw dropping open in shock. "I have only been TWO minutes! How…?"
"I knew you would blame me," Astrid pouted as he grabbed the fire extinguisher and swiftly put out the flames. The surfaces were charred, the tea towels were ruined and the grill was wrecked. And his best pan was trashed. Astrid chewed her lip.
"But how...when...what…?" he whimpered, looking at his 'How To Train Your Dragon' tea towel with a huge charred hole where the cast was supposed to be. She sighed.
"I guess you just didn't give me clear enough instructions," she told him. "Look, I'll make you some coffee and we can decide what you're doing for my next lesson…"
-o-
Rule 2: If ignoring rule one, have a Hazmat-suit ready
"Sooooooooooo… please!" Astrid was looking all doe-eyed at Snotlout who actually gulped out of sheer nervousness.
"Why me?" he mumbled as he stared at Astrid's innocent expression. Snotlout sighed and finally gave in. "Fineeee! I'll teach you how to make a Roast."
"Really?!" Astrid clapped her hands together gleefully. "That means so much to me."
"I don't understand why you can't just ask Hiccup?" Snotlout raised a brow. "I mean, you two live together."
"I was hoping to surprise him," Astrid mumbled. "The last time kinda went a bit pear-shaped."
"A bit?!" Snotlout muttered as he remembered Hiccup couldn't look at eggs anymore without shuddering.
"Okay, a lot!" Astrid grumbled. "I just want to learn to cook something. We can't live on take-out forever."
"You actually could," Snotlout said and then took a step back when Astrid shot him a glare.
"So why a roast?" He then asked, figuring it was a safer conversation topic.
"If I learn how to make a roast I can surprise Hiccup with a romantic dinner." Astrid sighed in that lovey-dovey way. "Our three-year anniversary is coming up soon. Momma always said. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
"Well, you nearly accomplished that when your Yaknog nearly melted all our stomachs." Snotlout muttered under his breath so Astrid wouldn't hear and possibly kill him. They were standing in his small kitchen in his apartment and there were way too many sharp objects within arms reach.
Astrid had bought the roast at the butchers before coming here so all Snotlout had to do was tell her how to season it and how to work the oven. It surprised him that by the time the roast was ready to go into the oven nothing had exploded, imploded, broken, been melted, or vaporized. It was truly a wonder.
'Things might actually go well,' Snotlout thought as Astrid herself looked mighty pleased.
Snotlout set a timer and the two went to watch Family Feud while waiting for the roast to be done. However, halfway through the second round of the gameshow Snotlout and Astrid smelled something burning. It was then that his smoke detector started beeping as well.
"What in the….. OH MY THOR!" Snotlout shouted as black smoke was coming out of his oven. He rushed into the kitchen and opened the oven after turning it off. A cloud of black smoke engulfed him and he coughed while trying to see.
The smoke kitchen was now covered in smoke and Astrid popped open a window.
"COMING THROUGH!" Snotlout shouted. She hastily stepped back as she saw Snotlout clutching the burning tray that was once a piece of meat and heading straight for the window that she opened. The shorter man wasted no time and chucked the charred dish out of the window, which was on the fourth floor. The resulting 'THUD' they heard was a surprise and Astrid peered out to see that the roast had made a crater on the pavement.
"Astrid... did you season it with lead?!" Snotlout asked perplexed as he too watched a small crowd gathering to see what that sound was. Some people were muttering and then the old busy-body woman that was paranoid and went through everyone's mail suddenly shouted for them to take several steps back from the unfortunate burnt roast. She seemed to be waiving the Geiger counter she had recently bought and boasted about and shouting for someone to call the police and Homeland Security because the thing seemed to be radioactive.
"Oh crud," Snotlout groaned. He could already imagine what his neighbours would think.
-o-
Rule 3: If ignoring rule 1 and 2 have great insurance
"So why are you seeking new Home and Contents Insurance, Mr Haddock?" Brandt Brandtson asked. A slick man with a shiny suit and a teflon manner, he had a ready smile and ultra-white teeth and could sense a hefty commission. Hiccup sighed.
"I have been barred by my last insurer for over-claiming," he confessed. "They even mentioned fraud but I was able to produce the fire department reports-and picture...and videos-to prove there were fires. Though they did mention arson…" Brandt felt his smile stretch wider. Oh, this was just perfect. He could charge this guy a mint!
"Really?" he said, trying not to sound too eager. "How many fires?"
"Ten in the last four months," Hiccup admitted in an embarrassed voice. Brandt almost choked, blinking and staring at the skinny auburn-haired man in shock.
"Ten?"
"Well, my fiancee Astrid…" He gestured to the blonde beauty standing at the kitchen counter adding milk to Brandt's coffee. She smiled and the Insurance Salesman felt his pulse accelerate to dangerous levels. "...is learning to cook and she's been a little unlucky. I mean, anyone could have had one of those little fires...she's just been astonishingly unlucky in having them all at once…" Brandt blinked and then forced himself to smile as said blonde handed him a steaming mug of coffee. He sniffed it and then took a sip. He grimaced.
"Is your coffee okay, Mr Brandtson?" Astrid asked, sitting by Hiccup on their sofa. The man grimaced.
"It's great," he said hoarsely.
"And it was two sugars?"
The man nodded, pulling a face as Hiccup glanced over at the counter and suddenly looked even more apologetic.
"Astrid-why have you put baking soda in his coffee?" he asked. She frowned.
"No-I thought the sugar was in the Nadder jar," she argued.
"We went over this. Sugar is in Meatlug the Gronckle because she's sweet. Baking soda is in the Stormfly the Deadly Nadder jar because she's sharp."
"Tracker actually," Astrid pointed out.
"But that's not sugar…" Hiccup reminded her. She huffed.
"Okay, I'll grant you that," she conceded as Brandt hastily put his coffee aside and tried to swallow to get rid of the taste.
"So...what sort of product are you looking for?" he asked.
"Home and Contents, extended coverage on fire, chemical damage, appliance damage and new-for-old replacement, radioactive and hazardous biological and chemical substance decontamination and third party," Hiccup reeled off.
"And garden cover," Astrid added. Hiccup looked at her. "You remember when that flying jam roly poly took out Mrs Sundstrom's fountain and cherub?" He sighed.
"And garden cover," he sighed as Brandt tapped the requirements into his laptop. He choked again.
"Are you sure you need all of these?" he asked carefully.
"Yup," Hiccup confirmed.
"Definitely," Astrid confirmed.
"But...but...wouldn't it just be cheaper to bar Astrid from the kitchen?" the Insurance Salesman protested. Hiccup made a frantic gesture that turned into an awkward rub on the back of his neck as the blonde glared at him.
"I am a Hofferson and a Viking and I never give up!" she told him irritably.
"Couldn't you just marry him, become a Haddock and quit?" Brandt asked her. Hiccup frowned.
"What's wrong?" he asked. Brandt turned his screen around to see three flashing red warnings and a huge 'X'.
"You're flagged on the Berk Insurance Database as an extra extra extra extra extra extra extra high risk for fire and contents damage," he explained. "The recommendation is that you are uninsurable...but you have to be offered insurance in case you see sense and live on take-outs. And because it's the law that everyone has to be offered insurance, no matter how expensive. However, your monthly insurance premium is about $2500 per month."
Astrid gasped and looked at her boyfriend. Hiccup's shoulders slumped and then he nodded.
"It's cheaper than actually paying for all the damage and ruined appliances," he admitted. "Not even mentioning new kitchens. Where do I sign up?" Brandt began typing to print out the documents as Astrid rose and walked over to the kitchen. Quietly, she poured the guest a glass of water and neatly served a cupcake with a huge swirl of pink frosting on the top, decorated with silver sprinkles. Calmly, she placed the cake and glass of water on the side table beside the Salesman and then went to sit by Hiccup, her hand twining with his.
"Sorry, Babe," she sighed. "I can give up if you want…"
For a second, he considered saying yes-but he knew how unhappy that would make his ultra-competitive girlfriend. He knew she would hate not facing the challenge and besting it and even though it was costing him a fortune, he knew he had to give her a bit more of a chance to master the basics of cookery.
"Don't you worry, Milady," he told her kindly, pressing a small kiss to her temple. "We can do this." Brandt glanced up and smiled. He would make enough commission out of this sale to go on holiday and start saving towards that new SUV. Absently he sipped the water and then took a bite out of the cupcake.
He screamed as a loud crunch sounded and his beautiful expensively-polished teeth shattered. Astrid and Hiccup gaped in horror.
"'Y 'eeef!" he yelled, his hand over his mouth. Hiccup looked horrified as Astrid gave a 'whoops' look.
"Astrid? You didn't give him one of your cupcakes did you?" Hiccup asked in a loud whisper as the Salesman whimpered. She nodded.
"It was a really nice looking one," she told him.
"But...I thought we'd taken them all to the building waste disposal quarry…" he protested. "I think they are about as hard as a diamond on the Mohs scale! And unbreakable!"
"Ooops," Astrid said as the Salesman frantically packed his bags and glared at them.
"Do you want me to sign before you go?" Hiccup asked hopefully but the man glared at him.
"You're unin'urable!" he spluttered and ran for the door. Hiccup sighed as it slammed and the scream of tyres sounded from outside as the man drove off in search of an emergency dentist.
"That's the fifth one this week," he bemoaned. ""And that was a really good price, considering."
"Sorry, Babe," Astrid said.
"We'll just have to go with 'Sven's Reasonably Priced and Comprehensive Viking Insurance Brokers'," Hiccup sighed. "He was the most expensive. But probably the only one who will deal with us ever again..."
"Probably because he had spare dentures," Astrid pointed out.
"True," Hiccup admitted. "Please tell me you don't have any more of those cupcakes hidden about the house?"
"No, you're okay, that was the last," Astrid reassured him. But he was stopped in mid sigh when she added: "I gave the rest to the Old People's Home Bake Sale…"
"WHAT?!" Hiccup shouted and nearly fell off the couch before scrambling up again. He glanced over at her. "If we're quick enough, we may be able to stop them…" Astrid checked her watch.
"Too late," she told him as he groaned. "The sale started half an hour ago…"
"Oh Thor…"
-o-
Rule 4: The twins are not allowed to teach Astrid!
Hiccup looked at the destruction and then turned back to Astrid who was being questioned by the police. When she was done answering their questions she walked towards him.
"Astrid, what happened here?" Hiccup asked as he looked at the destroyed wall of their latest house and the partially-destroyed, and still on-fire fence of their neighbour Mildew.
"I'll tell you what's going on here!" the old man shrieked as he glowered at Hiccup from his porch while pointing an accusing finger at Astrid. "She's some anarchist! That's what's going on! She traumatized my Fungus!"
"I'm no anarchist, you old goat!" Astrid shouted back. Since she and Hiccup had moved into this neighbourhood together they had always been at odds with old man Mildew who was head of their Homeowners Association.
"Astrid, what happened here?" Hiccup asked as he got between her and the still glowering Mildew lest it turned into another fist fight.
"I was just trying to make you some pudding," Astrid pouted. "You seem so stressed when you came home from work."
"AAWWWW babe," Hiccup felt touched and he kissed her on the cheek. Astrid blushed and then continued her story.
"So I was looking online but found nothing you might really like so I called the twins," Astrid confessed.
"You called the twins?" Hiccup's eyes went wide.
"Well yeah. I figured Ruff might know something since she's always cooking and trying to fatten Snotlout up."
"She's trying to fatten Snotlout up and actually cook him because he tore two of her stockings," Hiccup mumbled.
"When did he do that?" Astrid frowned. "I would have remembered something like that happening."
"It was when you went to that company retreat that had the 'no technology' rule. Ruff made a big stink about it in the group chat that Mala had to mute her for two days." Hiccup explained and Astrid groaned.
"Please do not bring up that retreat again though," Astrid muttered. "I was having serious Social media withdrawals."
"Right… right. So back to the pudding," Hiccup got back on topic.
"Okay so Ruff and Tuff show up and they dragged Snotlout with them as some sort of taste-tester," Astrid explained. "We ended up working in the kitchen for a few hours and then we had the finished product."
"So Snot tasted it and then what?" Hiccup asked as he still hadn't found out what blew up the wall.
"No.. No… uhm, Snot didn't get a chance to taste it," Astrid mumbled. "Ruffnut wanted to make it a bit more festive and thought we could set it on fire. You know like flambe….."
Hiccup nodded but the explanation stopped for a moment when the firemen shouted that they had found someone buried in the rubble. Hiccup's eyes widened when he saw it was Snotlout they were pulling out.
"Oh, so that's where he was," Astrid mumbled softly. "I thought he hightailed it with the twins when the cops showed up."
"Mr. Haddock, would you mind answering some questions?" A police officer approached them. Hiccup nodded and wondered what it was about since he wasn't even home when the wall blew up.
"Sure, but I'm not sure how much help I can be," Hiccup told the officer.
"Can you tell us why our techs found trace amounts of nitroglycerin?" The officer asked as he gave Hiccup a suspicious look.
"Say what now?!" Hiccup exclaimed as he looked at Astrid in shock. "Astrid how did you go from making pudding to nitroglycerin?!"
"Sir, if you expect us to believe that 'pudding' was the source of the explosion then you have another thing coming. Why don't we take this down at the station." Hiccup let out a groan because it was going to be a long night.
-o-
Rule 5: Onions are not weapons!
Astrid muttered curses as she walked into Hiccup's company. It was almost time for him to get off so she had called ahead and told him she would meet him in the lobby because she had a surprise.
"Afternoon babe," Hiccup greeted her with a kiss which somewhat brightened her mood. "So what's the big surprise?"
"There is no big surprise," Astrid grumbled. "At least not anymore."
"What happened?" Hiccup asked as a frown formed.
"I was mugged on the way here," Astrid muttered and then Hiccup grabbed her by the shoulders and looked her over.
"Oh, my Thor Astrid! Are you alright? Did they hurt you?!" he asked with worry. Then his brain kicked him hard. Astrid was probably the last person in Berk you would try to mug and actually expect to survive. He wondered what the foolhardy attacker looked like and which ER he would turn up in.
"I'm fine. I roughed the guy up pretty good and even gave the Police a detailed sketch and half his shirt." Astrid explained to Hiccup's relief and not-surprise.
"I'm just glad that you're alright!" he said genuinely. But Astrid was still looking downcast.
"Yeah but I'm still mad," Astrid muttered. "He didn't get my cash but he did get the present I was going to give you. I was thinking we could spend the rest of the afternoon in the park so I made a picnic basket."
"You did…." Hiccup chuckled nervously, still recalling the fondue. "So what did you make?"
"Well we had a whole lot of leftover onions from Fishlegs' birthday party so I made some Chicken salad with onion pickle, Sausage-stuffed onions, Onion fritters, Caramelised onion and goat's butter pasta along with some nice cold onion juice." She beamed and didn't notice Hiccup choke and silently mutter a prayer for the person that stole that picnic basket. And a swift thanks to Odin that they had stolen it.
Later that night both were snuggling on the couch when Hiccup changed the channel. He scrolled past a news channel then scrolled back.
"Earlier today a man entered the ER while foaming at the mouth. The hospital was put on lockdown and the CDC was called in due to a possible biological attack. The Police have now identified this man as one Grimmel the Ghastly, a known thief and conman. Further reports indicate that the cause of the man's condition was the consumption of onions. It is now currently under investigation whether these onions were normal or weaponized by some third party….."
-o-
Rule 6: Neither are Leeks!
Astrid hummed as she walked into the kitchen while carrying a grocery bag. It was raining outside and she spotted Snotlout and Hiccup in the living room. "Hey babe," She greeted Hiccup and then raised a brow at Snotlout. "Didn't you have a date?" Astrid asked with a raised brow.
"Well you see..." Snotlout huffed. "She just couldn't handle my awesomeness!"
"So you got stood up," Astrid nodded and went back to the kitchen to unpack while Snot pouted.
"Be careful with that shopping bag! There's a leek in it!" Snotlout shouted because he wanted to make a pun but Astrid just lifted a brow and pulled out an actual leek out of the bag.
"Of course there is. I'm trying to make Leek fondue linguine tonight," she told the shorter man.
"Maybe we should get some pizza tonight Astrid," Hiccup suggested. "You've been working way too hard."
"Nonsense, Hiccup. We are trying to save money to go on that cruise so a home-cooked meal is way better. I'll be making you breakfast, lunch, and dinner from now on."
"Dude, you're a dead man walking," Snotlout whispered. "You literally have no leek to stand on."
"Really Snot!" Hiccup groaned. "Your puns are terrible."
"They are not!" Snotlout argued as he followed Hiccup into the kitchen. "It's not like I asked which vegetable is a sailor's enemy?"
"Let me guess…. Leeks," Astrid now groaned as well.
"Right!" Snotlout beamed that she got it. He then turned back to Hiccup and said "Come on man. Shake a Leek. the game is starting!"
"Oh my Thor!" Astrid growled as she grasped said vegetable tightly. "Snot, I swear. If you make one more leek joke."
"HAHAHA," Snot laughed. "Alright. I was just pulling your Leek!"
"Aaaaarrggggg!" Astrid shouted which caused Snotlout to gulp.
Snotlout started sprinting towards the front door and Astrid was hot on his tail while brandishing the leek like it was the axe of a Valkyrie.
Hiccup could hear Snotlout's screams through the rain as the chase continued and he calmly picked up the phone. "Hello, can I order a large veggie pizza. Hold the leeks."
-o-
Rule 7: Even Hiccup can't eat Astrid's blancmange
"Look, I have been doing three cookery lessons a week for four months now," Astrid told Hiccup as they sat at their new kitchen table. She had managed to melt holes in the previous one and no one was ever to mention her version of fondue ever again-except in the context of a tactical weapon.
"I know you have, Milady," Hiccup told her soothingly, pouring her a glass of wine.
"And I have made you a nice pudding-not a flambe or anything requiring fire," she said quickly.
"Then what is it?' he asked with trepidation. She smiled.
"I made a blancmange. Chocolate flavour-your favourite!" she told him proudly. "And I was worried it would be too sloppy so I made sure I put a little more gelatin in just to make sure it's properly set."
His eyes widened at the words and he downed his glass of wine and poured himself another one just in case as Astrid was already heading for the fridge, pulling out a plate with a surprisingly good looking chocolate blancmange topped with fresh raspberries and even with some cream piped around it. His eyes widened and he smiled.
"Astrid-that looks spectacular," he complimented her and she blushed. Swiftly, she got two bowls, a couple of spoons and tried to serve the blancmange. But the spoon just bounced off. She frowned and tried again-with the same result.
"Excuse me a second," she muttered, going back to the kitchen and returning with her proper Chinese-style chopper, a huge carving knife and a skewer. "I just need to get it started…"
Hiccup had finished the bottle of wine by the time she had worked her way through every sharp implement in the kitchen. She had been optimistic when the boning scissors had almost dented it but in the end, nothing had managed to penetrate the beautiful looking and completely impervious blancmange.
"Sven's Pudding Depot, Milady?" he suggested to the crestfallen Astrid and she nodded, slumping into a seat by him and handing him the phone.
"I still don't see what I did wrong," she muttered. "I only added three packets of gelatin sheets…"
"As opposed to three sheets?" he realised. She frowned.
"Is there a difference?" she asked him as he thumbed in the familiar number. He nodded.
"Sheet equals edible. Packet equals...well, probably indestructible," he admitted, wrapping an arm around her. "Don't worry. I'll take it to the shed and I'll get into it in the morning…I've got a new canister for my welding torch so we should be able to slice it up in a jiffy…" Then he peered at the menu of the takeout pudding shop.
"Sorry," she mumbled, looking crestfallen. Immediately, he wrapped an arm around her, pressing a small kiss to her cheek. She rested against him as he squinted at the familiar piece of paper.
"What do you want, Milady?" he checked, kissing her gently again. She sighed.
"Blancmange," she said.
-o-
Rule 8: Traumatized sushi chefs are freaking hilarious
"Okay, run this by me again please?" Astrid asked as she stared at the twins.
"We need you to come help us in our sushi restaurant." Ruffnut said once more. "We have this competition coming up with the sushi restaurant across the street and our chef called in sick."
"We're desperate!" Tuffnut added.
"And when is this competition?" Astrid asked while crossing her arms.
"In two hours…." Ruffnut answered. Astrid was silent for a moment before muttering "You guys do know I've never made sushi before right?"
"Like I said. We're desperate!" Tuffnut repeated.
"Look," Ruffnut said as she gave Astrid a tablet. "You can look up all the sushi you want on this while we drive."
"You guys sure?" Astrid asked. "Recently I've been thinking that I probably shouldn't be cooking."
"It's not cooking. It's just slices of expensive raw fish on rice and seaweed." Tuffnut now added. "There is absolutely no flame involved. No siree. It's mostly just about the presentation."
"And we have shiny sushi knives for you to work with!" Ruffnut said seductively.
"Well if you put it like that…" Astrid thought. "Alright fine. I'll do it."
The twins cheered loudly and proceeded to drag Astrid out of the house. When they finally made it to their restaurant she could see a woman and two elderly Japanese men along with Snotlout standing in front. The woman was tapping her foot and had her arms crossed.
"Well finally," the woman said as she saw the twins approach. "I thought you two hightailed it out of the country."
"Hah! We were just getting our secret weapon!" Ruffnut boasted while Tuffnut pointed to Astrid. "When she's done all the judges will hit the floor!"
Snotlout who had apparently also been roped into judging this competition gulped loudly. The woman, who turned out to be the owner of the sushi place across the street introduced the two elderly gentlemen who turned out to be her former sushi teachers.
"You didn't tell me these would be pros," Astrid hissed.
"Don't worry. I'm sure you'll knock them dead!" Tuffnut clapped her on the shoulder as reassurance. Snotlout heard Tuffnut let out another gulp of nervousness and searched for any way he could bail. Unfortunately, all he saw was the front door, which he wouldn't get past because Ruffnut and the woman were still standing there glowering, and a lobster tank filled with several curious lobsters.
"Alright, so the competition is simple. The chefs will make their signature dish and our three judges will each taste them. They will be judged on presentation and taste."
The woman took her place behind the sushi counter and smirked at Astrid who looked somewhat nervous, though she was eyeing the sushi knives with some awe.
The competition started and both chefs went to work. "Okay, so far so good." Ruffnut whispered to her brother. "Nothing's blown up yet."
"It's been two minutes!" Tuffnut whispered back as the twins kept their eyes on things.
"Astrid's quickest fire record was one minute….." Ruffnut reminded Tuff who then said "Okay then. So far so good."
The minutes ticked by as the twins watched nervously. Tuffnut was biting his fingernails as fish was delicately sliced and placed. When the five minute mark hit and nothing blew up yet he stared in wonder. "You know, maybe this is Astrid's niche…."
"Yeah, this could really be it." Ruffnut turned hopeful. "She's good with knives, no frying pan in sight, no flame either. She might just be cut out for this."
When both chefs were done and placed their dish in front of all three judges the twins let out a collective breath. Astrid had done some cramming in the car and her handiness with a knife made the sushi dish look like a masterpiece.
The female chef frowned as she compared the dish presentation and knew that she had likely lost that part. Now all that remained was the taste testing.
The Japanese men said "itadakimasu" before picking up their chopsticks. Snotlout was the only one still looking worried but he sucked it up and ate one of Astrid's sushi like the others.
It didn't take long for it to become apparent that something had gone terribly wrong. Maybe it was Snotlout shouting "WATER!" Or one of the other judges dunking his head into the lobster tank while the other was chugging down a vase of water.
"Astrid what did you put in that sushi?!" Tuffnut asked while watching Ruffnut hand Snotlout a pitcher of water, causing the two other judges to jump the shorter man.
"Well….. I don't know. It might be the wasabi. I ran out of cucumbers and substituted a bunch of it." Astrid shrugged as she explained it. "I mean, they're both green right?"
All Ruffnut could do was groan while Tuffnut asked "So you think we won?"
-o-
Rule 9: When the CIA comes knocking at your door, try explaining why the custard is radioactive
"So you want to answer that question again, Mr Haddock? Because frankly, your explanation is completely ridiculous…" The CIA man, agent Lars, scowled at the lean young man, sitting nervously at the table in the interrogation room. Officer Sven was walking around the periphery of the stark room, looking mildly menacing. Both were buff men in standard dark suit, white short-sleeved shirts and-because this was Berk and they were local agents-large blond beards.
"You expect us to believe that your beautiful and loving girlfriend managed to make a Rhubarb and radioactive custard?" Sven growled. Hiccup nodded.
"She's been taking cooking lessons because...well, frankly, her cookery skills are slightly lacking," he admitted. The men scowled.
"How lacking?"
"If you looked at the molecular level, you wouldn't find a single trace of ability," Hiccup told them honestly.
"You aren't expecting us to believe…"
"I love Astrid with my everything...but her cookery is the most dangerous thing on Berk," he added and then he sighed. "And this is a town where everyone owns at least one axe or 'cultural' weapon and communication involves punching the other guy several times!" Then he sighed. "Okay-I presume you have other agents? Get one to retrieve the object from the vice in my workshop. That will explain everything…" Lars gestured at the mirror and Hiccup was sure one of the other agents watching behind the two-way mirror had been dispatched.
"Astrid wanted to surprise me so she went to my work to see if she could pick up some popping candy for the custard…"
"Popping candy?" Lars asked, spitting out his chewing gum in shock. "How does that even work?"
"Welcome to my world," Hiccup grumbled. "Anyway, she went to Dag-Ole-Thor-Bjorn-Lars who works in R&D who said he would get some for her. When she arrived there was a note on the desk that he had left some for her in an envelope. So she grabbed it and headed home. Unfortunately, there had been a mix-up and instead of Popping Candy, she was given Polonium. I mean, that's easy to mistake, right…?"
"Ah...that would explain why she set off every radiation detector in Berk…"
"Well she did have some last minute shopping before she actually made the rhubarb and custard," Hiccup explained. "She did tell me the custard went funny-and the TV went weird…"
"Oh Thor," Lars grumbled, rubbing his nose. Sven nodded.
"Well, she couldn't find rhubarb so she used celery instead because they're kind of similar in shape…" Hiccup continued in a hopeless voice. It was actually fairly cathartic to share his woes with the men, though both were looking distinctly nervous and pitying at the same time and they just gone green at the prospect of celery and custard. "...and then the custard kept curdling-probably due to the radiation-not to mention my best pan melted-again-so she dumped it in the bin and made ice cream. Meaning she opened the tub and scooped out the ice cream…I mean, even she couldn't turn that into a disaster. Though it did curdle. I expect it was the honey and barbecue sauce topping...I mean, I think she meant to use toffee sauce...or maybe Sriracha..."
"You realise the custard was a solid mass that looked more like nuclear fuel than a creme anglaise?" Lars said.
"And we'll have to decontaminate the entire block?" Sven added as the door knocked and another startled looking agent entered, handing over a brown moulded object that was still welded to a plate. The CIA agents stared at it.
"What is it?" Sven asked.
"The eternal blancmange," Hiccup sighed. "Astrid made it three months ago and no one can cut into it. Seriously-I've tried industrial cutters and presses-they just bounce off…" Lars grabbed it and threw it to the ground.
There was a thud and when they picked it up, it was unharmed but there was a dent in the floor.
"If something can go wrong with Astrid's cooking, it will," Hiccup admitted. "And that blancmange was the best-looking thing she's ever made...I was even looking forward to eating it..." The CIA agents shared a look.
"You do know there have been an above normal number of reports of fires and explosions at your address?" Lars asked him.
"There's a normal number of fires and explosions?" Hiccup asked sarcastically.
"There is for Berk," Sven confirmed. "And your address is waaaaaay above it…" Hiccup groaned and rested his face on the table.
"Cooking involves the mixing of chemicals and application of heat," he explained, his voice muffled.
"You were arrested and interrogated for possession of nitroglycerine," Lars reminded Hiccup.
"I have never touched nitroglycerine!" HIccup protested. "The forensic lab proved it was a new unknown nitroglycerin-like substance made by the combination of Dream Topping, raspberries, chilli mayonnaise, salt, white pepper, black pepper, cumin, cinnamon, strawberry jam, sumac, vinegar, lard, mint jelly, apricots and ham."
"Why would you put all of those things in any dish?" Sven asked, looking horrified.
"Ask Astrid-she made it," he protested. "It was supposed to be a pudding surprise for me. Well, it was a surprise-it blew out the wall of the apartment, buried my cousin and allegedly traumatised a sheep." He sighed. "I'm not a bad guy or a terrorist or anything like that. I'm just a normal guy with a girlfriend who is the worst cook on the planet! I mean, she did poison all our family with some evil substance she called yaknog, she probably accidentally killed a mugger who stole my tasty onion picnic lunch and foolishly ate the thing and..."
"Well, that about wraps it up," Lars said hastily. "I think we'll just take the custard into custody...hahaha...and say no more about it. Though I would advise not returning to your apartment for the next fortnight while the hazmat crew decontaminate it." Then he leaned forward and took Hiccup's hand. "Good luck, sir. You'll need it." Sven handed him the blancmange.
"Our deepest sympathies," he said as they saw him to the door. Only when he'd gone, still carrying the blancmange, did they relax. They shared a look.
"That poor fellow," Lars said. "Maybe the poisons division can offer her a job."
-o-
Rule 10: See rule 1 again and for the love of Thor follow it!
Snoggletog was in full swing and Hiccup had all his family and friends round, crammed around the latest new table in the kitchen-diner of his and Astrid's latest new apartment (well, they had been evicted from the previous one for radioactive contamination and charring the bathroom ceiling). It was definitely a trade-up because it was a really nice ground floor apartment with beautiful double doors out onto a neat Mediterranean-style patio, a huge kitchen-diner sitting room and a spare room for when anyone wanted to stay round.
The roast yak had been excellent, juicy and succulent and perfectly seasoned, the juices made into a tasty rich dark gravy, the roast potatoes crispy on the outside and fluffy inside and the carrots, sprouts and peas all perfectly cooked. The horseradish sauce had been tangy and hot, the cheese sauce smooth and creamy and the yorkshire puddings perfectly risen and crispy. And Astrid hadn't touched a morsel of the food during the cooking process.
"Great meal, son!" Stoick announced, his thick Berkian accent even thicker due to the copious amounts of red wine and mead he had consumed. The former Mayor of Berk was a huge presence notwithstanding his massive braided flaming red beard though his Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer sweater straining over his huge frame and the reindeer antlers on his head detracted from his gravitas somewhat. Snotlout waved his can of beer.
"I second that!" he said, patting his full stomach. The twins shared a tired grin, chinking their cocktails and Fishlegs dropped a little left-over piece of meat to Meatlug, his British Bulldog, who was curled at his feet, also full. Astrid smiled.
"That was perfect, Babe," she said in a bright voice, though she was still a little hurt he hadn't allowed her to touch anything. He had tried to explain that she had decorated the apartment with the tree, lights, cards, the little Nativity scene, the wreath on the door and had cleaned and polished the entire place from top to bottom single-handedly. The least he could do, he had explained, was to cook the food. Gently he rose and leaned forward to press a gentle kiss on her lips, hating that she still looked disappointed.
"Thanks, Milady," he said with a smile. "You know I love you?" She rubbed her nose against his.
"Of course I do, you sap," she replied gently. "And I know my cooking isn't great. I mean, we're still contesting the three thousand dollars they charged us for repairing the sidewalk after that roast I made at Snotlout's…"
"Tell me about it," Snotlout grumbled. "I have to come into my building by the back door to avoid Mrs Rasmussen and she's on her fifth petition to have me thrown out of my apartment because of your cooking…"
"I did apologise for almost squashing her with that roast!" Astrid protested.
"But you were holding a chopper at the time!" Ruffnut pointed out with a grin, her Santa hat jingling as she moved.
"Yeah, A-that really didn't go down too well…" Tuffnut added, also jingling the bell on his matching hat.
"Astrid-my son loves you despite your cooking," Stoick said unwisely. "I mean, he's loved you since he was ten. And we all recall your Yaknog...but you are an amazing woman and one I am happy to look forward to calling my daughter-in-law!" He raised his glass.
"Here, here!" his oldest friend and Hiccup's unofficial uncle, Gobber, added. Solid with a prosthetic hand and leg, his blue eyes twinkled under a thick blond unibrow and bald head and his long braided blond moustache had tinsel woven into it. "The lad has been a great cook since he was a wee lad...well, Stoick isnae much tae talk about in the kitchen…"
"Thank you, Gobber…"
"I mean, he once burned a salad! And I never knew lettuce could go that colour…"
"Thank you, Gobber…"
"And when Val was alive-well, she would chase him out of the kitchen...though she was terrible as well. I mean, her meatballs were a tactical weapon. They could penetrate steel if you shot them out a cannon. In fact, I think I've still got a few rolling around in here…" And he patted his ample middle with a grimace.
"THANK YOU, GOBBER!"
"It's a complete miracle the lad is as good as he is," Gobber ploughed on, full of mead and totally lacking in discretion. "Must be my expert tuition…" Astrid looked up hopefully.
"Could you teach me?" she asked hopefully, her blue eyes wide and pleading. Gobber raised his glass and grinned, ignoring the frantic waving from Hiccup, Snotlout, the twins and Fishlegs.
"Of course I can, lassie!" he said brashly. "Under meh expert tutelage, I'll have ye cooking like a Cordon Bleu goddess in next tae no time!"
"Oh, thank you, Gobber!" Astrid said gratefully. "I mean, I have tried several teachers and they just can't seem to get through. But if you taught Hiccup despite having no cooking ability in his family, then you can't possibly fail!" The two limbed man suddenly looked a little worried.
"Say what?" he mumbled.
"Well, I said that…"
"Astrid? Could you give me a hand, please?" Hiccup called from the kitchen. Smiling, she helped her boyfriend clear the plates and pop them in the big bowl of soapy water in the sink. There was a pan of brandy sauce bubbling gently over the heat and the super-sized 'Connoisseur' Plum Pudding was sitting waiting in the microwave. Kissing her and hugging her affectionately, Hiccup looked into her eyes.
"Would you be able to start the pudding please, Milady?" he asked, finding a task that was totally simple and unambiguous. "Fifty percent power for ten minutes? And then could you fetch the pudding wine and brandy from the bucket of water on the patio?" She smiled and walked to the microwave.
"Of course, Babe," she replied happily. "This has been our first Snoggletog we've ever hosted and it's going perfectly."
There was a sharp intake of breath. She looked up.
"What?"
"Um...you NEVER say anything is going perfectly-you only say that after it's over!" Fishlegs said worriedly.
"Yeah-way to jinx us, A!" Tuff grumbled. "And I was having such a nice time...now I'm expecting disaster."
"There won't be a disaster," Astrid said irritably, stabbing the buttons on the microwave. "This will be the best Snoggletog ever-and I will axe anyone who says otherwise!"
"Saying nothing!" Snotlout squeaked, chugging a whole extra can of beer.
"Oh Thor, oh Thor, oh Thor…" Fishlegs whimpered, chewing the edge of the tablecloth in sheer nervousness. Astrid glared at the guests and pressed the ON button, then stalked out to fetch the wine and Brandy.
"Way to go, guys!" Hiccup sighed. "She's been feeling pretty down about her cooking. I mean, deep down, I think she knows she's not very good and that's a blow since she is brilliant at everything she turns her hand to. And I have been gently trying to persuade her that it doesn't matter because I can cook for both of us and I'm a modern guy. I quite enjoy it. We're a partnership. And this meal going well means so much to her. So I don't want anyone teasing her or telling her that she's just doomed us or-or anything! I will be really cross and force anyone who does that to eat one of Astrid's mince pies."
There was a collective gasp and they all looked at him in horror.
"She made…" Ruff began in a horrified voice.
"...Mince Pies?" Snotlout gasped.
"You wouldn't, son," Stoick told him warily. "That would be tantamount to attempted murder!"
"I mean it!" Hiccup said fiercely. "I won't have Astrid upset any more-okay?"
"Yes, Hiccup," everyone said in a shocked voice. Easygoing and kind, Hiccup hardly ever lost his temper but he did love Astrid very much-despite her multiple accidental attempts to poison him. There was a small awkward silence as he turned back to stirring the brandy sauce before Astrid reappeared, holding a bottle of sweet pudding wine and a large bottle of brandy, both lightly edged with frost. Looking up, Hiccup smiled.
"Thanks, Milady," he said cheerfully. "Could you serve the gang while I just pour this into the 'Snowman' sauce bowl. She kissed him on the cheek.
"Of course, Babe," she said and leaned close. "And thanks-I heard you. That was very sweet." He blushed.
"Anything for you, my love," he murmured back, stealing another quick kiss before she expertly opened the wine and began to pour it for the guests. Putting the empty pan in the sink and lifting the Snowman bowl, Hiccup glanced at the microwave to check the time remaining-and then he stiffened.
"Um...Astrid…?" he managed, backing away.
"Yes, Babe?" she answered cheerfully.
"How-how did you manage to get the microwave to work at 5000% power?" he asked. She continued pouring the wine.
"Well, Fish and Tuff and Snot were really annoying me and…" And then she paused. "Five THOUSAND percent? I didn't know it went that high…"
"It isn't meant to…" Hiccup said frantically, seeing the whole oven vibrating and glowing white-hot. Then he turned and sprinted towards the table. "She's gonna blow!"
"HIT THE DECK!" Stoick shouted, recalling his wife's culinary mishaps. Everyone threw themselves to the ground-most of them trying to get behind Gobber and Stoick who were effective shields-before the oven gave a final groan and exploded. The kitchen was filled with a white light, flames and burning plum pudding. Snotlout got hit on the face with the brandy sauce and the windows shattered. Hiccup fumbled for his phone and hit speed dial.
"Fire Department?" he mumbled. "Yes, I know it's Christmas. But this is Hiccup Haddock and...three minutes? Thanks."
"You have the Fire Department on speed dial?" Snotlout asked in shock, licking the brandy sauce off his face. "By the way this is good sauce."
"Of course," Hiccup said, answering both questions at once.
"Why is the tree on fire?" Tuff asked.
"Why is the entire apartment on fire?" Ruff added.
"Everyone out!" Hiccup ordered and they all picked themselves up, grabbed any drinks that were still unspilled and stampeded through the shattered patio doors out into the cold. Astrid was still holding the pudding wine, which she took a long pull of as the twins pulled out packets of marshmallows and looked for something to spear them on so they could toast them in the heat of the burning apartment.
"But I don't understand what happened," she murmured. "I only did what you told. But I did notice you had forgotten the little metal container so I put it back on before I started the oven…"
Hiccup face-palmed and Astrid's face fell.
"Metal and microwaves aren't friends," he explained. "I think we mentioned that when we went over making porridge…" Snotlout nodded sagely as the others all shared glances .Hiccup could already hear the sirens in the distance.
"But I thought that was your old microwave…" Astrid protested.
"The one that actually melted as the porridge ate through it? No, it applies to all microwaves," Hiccup explained kindly.
"Oh."
"You mean this has happened before?" Gobber asked in a dazed voice, his moustache singed. Hiccup nodded.
"I have the most expensive fire and kitchen appliance insurance in the Northern Hemisphere," he explained. Astrid sighed.
"I'm sure I'll get the hang of it when Gobber starts his lessons," she said softly but the two-limbed man shook his head.
"I've reconsidered meh offer," he said hastily. "I like being alive. Sorry, Astrid. I think, on closer observation, you are actually unteachable…"
A fire truck pulled up and several firemen connected their hoses while greeting Hiccup and everyone else.
"Hi Sven, hi Abel, Mitchell… how are the kids?" Hiccup asked as the fire fighters all waved and greeted him cheerfully. He gestured in a self-conscious way. "Kitchen is on fire again. And the entire apartment, actually..."
"Was it the potatoes that did you in this time?" Sven asked.
"Nah man. That was last week!" Abel muttered all the while, the family and friends were watching the exchange, steadily finishing their drinks.
"Oh, we already called off the Sheriff." Sven shouted, trying to put out the Christmas tree, which was looking like a plastic tinsel-swathed inferno. "He made a U-turn when he heard the name Haddock." This only caused Hiccup to groan.
"You know, I am a law-abiding citizen and I have nineteen citations for frequent fire department nuisance calls-which is unfair since my apartment has been on fire every time, I've been charged with possession of explosives and investigated by the CIA for radioactive custard," he sighed. "It's not my fault…"
"No-it's mine," Astrid admitted and moved to take his hands and look up into his eyes apologetically. "It's okay, Hiccup. I think I can accept that maybe...I'm just not meant to be a cook..."
"You-you do?" Hiccup asked her hopefully. She nodded and smiled gently.
"So my New Year's resolution is going to be-to never try to cook again," she promised.
"OH THANK THOR!" everyone, including the firemen inside, shouted in unison. Astrid cast them all a glare and then rose on tiptoes to kiss Hiccup.
"But you have to do something I want to do in return," she told him. He nodded wildly.
"Anything would be better than your cooking," he said and then blushed. "Sorry," he mumbled.
She chuckled.
"Okay, it's a deal, She said smugly. "I've got the parachuting tickets already booked for January 2nd!"
"AAAAGH!"
The End.