To My Beloved, I Hope You Understand
I decided to write this so that others may understand me a little better. I am not giving any excuses, just explaining things that have happened to me and possible reasons for certain outcomes. To be as honest as I can this all started around the age of thirteen. Or at least that's the earliest that I can remember these things happening. No I will not go into detail about certain events, as they are too devastating for me to have to relive. I need to deal with the feelings they have caused and move on. That is the only way I will heal and have a healthy relationship with the woman I love. I can't put her through this any longer. And yes, she knows about which I am writing, it was her idea to write this. So this piece of work explaining my life up until this point is dedicated to my soul mate and best friend, Mary Alice Brandon. I love you with all my heart and soul, and it is you and you alone which has given me the strength to heal that soul. I love you so much baby!
Chapter One
I hate how he looks at me, like I'm a piece of meat. I tried to find the words to tell my mother but every time I get the nerve, something causes me to lose it. He will NEVER be my father and I truly wish my mother had never married the slimy bastard. My father was an amazing man and if he were here today then this beast of a man wouldn't be alive.
My mother works the late shift at the diner this weekend and I had asked repeatedly if I could stay at my friend Angela's house but my mother said that since my grades were dropping I was grounded and stuck here with him. If I only had the nerve to tell her why I hated him so much, maybe then she would leave him. He has evil in his eyes.
My mother married him when I was a small child. My father died in an accident at work. He was the Chief of Police here in Forks, WA and everyone was saddened by his death. Not even six months later my mom married James. She kept telling me I needed two parents to raise me, the whole mother father bullshit. I was scared of him then. Now I'm terrified. I am thirteen and the man keeps watching me.
"Bella, I am going to work now. I don't want to hear that you ran away again. Between your grades and this running away crap you are going to be grounded until you're eighteen. I will be home around six in the morning. Please behave for James." My mother said to me as she collected her apron and keys and was about to head out the door.
"Mom, please let me stay with Angela. I will do all my homework and I will stay inside all night. I promise. Just don't leave me here." I pleaded one last time. Of course it fell upon deaf ears. She turned and walked out the door. My nightmare was about to begin.
I decided it was probably safest for me to go up to my room and lock my door. So that is just what I did. Little did I know that it would be of no use. An hour later there was banging on my door.
"Little Bella dear, your mom wanted me to make sure you do your homework and I can't do that if you lock me out of your room." He said patronizingly from the other side.
"James, I'm not feeling well. I think I'm going to lie down for a little while. I will do it later. Ok?" I said, hoping it would be sufficient to make him leave. Then I heard the doorknob. He wasn't giving up so easily.
Then surprisingly it was quiet. The doorknob was released and I heard his footsteps walking away. My heart slowed down. I hadn't realized how fast it was racing til that moment. I turned on the lamp next to my bed and as quickly as I could I did my homework. I finished it an hour later. My stomach started to grumble but I had no desire to venture out of my room tonight so I put my books away, turned off my light, covered myself with my comforter and tried to fall asleep. At first it was hard but after what seemed like forever my eyes grew heavy and sleep took over. It was only nine o'clock at night. I had a long night ahead of me.