"Everyone chases after happiness, not noticing that happiness is right at their heels" -Bertolt Brecht
Satisfaction…
It's such a strange feeling, something that I haven't experienced in such a very long time. It's like a distant memory, a temptation from years past that I will never be able to have again… Or at least I shouldn't have it again.
Ever since I made the decision that changed my life I have never felt truly satisfied. There were times when I slipped, times when I wasn't able to stop myself. I felt satisfied then, but only for a moment before I realized what I had done… before I looked into her eyes and saw regret.
Regret… The worst thing I could do to her is cause to regret. It wasn't fair, not to her. She shouldn't be burdened by my mistakes, by my weakness. But she was… and she still is.
She tells me she's not burdened, that the only thing she regrets was not being able to stop me in time, for not being able to stop me from regretting my own mistakes… but it doesn't matter. I know that it's my fault, and by nature of my curse I am punished for it.
My curse… She calls it a gift, and at time like this I have to agree. It is a gift. How else could I finally be able to experience that one thing that has eluded me for so long?
My angel… She really is the only thing that keeps me going on my chosen path. I know I'd fail without her. It infuriates me when I hear these weak and foolish humans mocking her, claiming she is mad because of her unique ways…
They know nothing. If they really knew the truth, they would know that the only thing keeping them alive is her hand holding mine, her eyes meeting my own, and her feelings of absolute satisfaction letting me know that it is here with me that she is most at ease. She is the only thing keeping me sane, and for that I can finally feel truly satisfied.