Disclaimer: Neither Twilight nor anything affiliated with it belongs to me. I'm just playing with the characters like everybody else.
A/N: Insomnia + Boredom + (100 x Bad Twilight Fic) = The ficlet below
I don't intend to offend any one person or group with this. I also don't intend to insult the author of the original book, which I quite liked, despite some of its obvious flaws. So please, if you read this and feel the burning desire to flame me, resist. It's all in good fun and freedom of speech. That said, feedback of all other kind is appreciated.
"This is disturbing." Edward's tone was deadpan as he stared at the paragraph on screen.
"Tell me about it." Bella nodded and scrolled a little further on the page then cringed as the words 'The fire in his loins' popped up at the beginning of the next paragraph.
"We never should have told that woman our story." He grimaced in disgust, his features crunching up into a grotesque mask.
Bella shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea at the time, and we needed the money for college."
"If I'd known how it would turn out, I'd rather have worked as a stripper again." He placed his hand over Bella's on the mouse and closed out the window. "It was bad enough when she made us 'sparkle', but this is so much worse."
Bella snickered and didn't even bother to hide it. "I thought it was kind of funny."
"Hah hah." He grabbed her hair and yanked it back with just enough force to make her crane her neck to look up at him. "And I suppose turning you into a whiny, selfish brat was a real hoot."
Bella pressed her lips together and furrowed her brows in irritation. "Point taken."
They both conceded the discussion and turned back to the monitor in front of them.
"Do you think there's anything we can do about this?" she asked, referring to the several hundred stories dedicated to them, their family and their fictitious story that they'd just stumbled upon on the data highway.
Edward shook his head. "Since we supposedly don't really exist, it's going to be impossible to stop people from writing trash about us, unless we can convince the woman to sue for copyright infringement."
"Great." Her lip curled in disapproval and she lifted up the mouse to chuck it down on its pad a little harder than necessary. "So, basically, we have to put up with hundreds of versions of Mary-Sue making you their own personal sex toy."
Edward nodded as he growled low in his throat. "And with every dimwitted variation of you falling for 'dogface' after all, as well."
Bella snorted. "It's at least a little more credible than the 'original', don't you think? And less disturbing…" She trailed off as she thought some of those variations that Edward had mentioned. "At least, in most cases."
His reply was half snarled. "That doesn't mean I have to like it."
She whipped around and glared at him wide-eyed. "Do you think I like reading about you doing the dirty with one of your siblings?" She shuddered as she thought of some of the mature rated fictions they'd stumbled upon that featured her husband in intimate detail with other members of their family, male and female alike.
"Which begs the question, why are we reading this anyway?" He arched one bushy brow in question and started to smirk knowingly.
"Because we're not smart enough to click away slowly for the sake of our sanity?" Her voice wavered a little bit, not helping her argument to be convincing.
Edward snorted and his smirk turned into a superior grin. "Try again."
"Because we're masochists who need to be humiliated to get turned on?"
"Not quite. At least, I know I'm not." He waggled his brows at her.
She clucked her tongue and smacked him in the shoulder.
"Well, what do you think why we're reading this?" She turned around to face him and jutted her chin out in challenge.
"I think it's the train wreck scenario." He shrugged one shoulder dismissively.
Her brows scrunched in thought and she pursed her lips. "You know, I can't be sure, but coming from a vampire, I don't think that has the same implications as coming from a human."
Edward grinned toothily. "You got me there."
"So, you actually get some sort of amusement out of this?" Her face was still scrunched up as she cocked her head to the side, regarding him quizzically.
"Don't you?" he parried with a quirked brow.
"Now that you mention it…" She shrugged slightly and cast her eyes down coyly. "There are a few stories that have their merit."
"Care to elaborate on that?" He placed one hand on the back of her chair and leaned down until their faces were only a breath apart.
She smiled, revealing a row of gleaming, razor-sharp teeth. "Maybe." She drawled the word slowly.
"Come on," he goaded. "I promise if you tell, I'll make your insides quiver with my consuming kisses." He quoted one of the cheesy lines they'd come across.
Bella snickered, her eyes sparkling as she tilted her chin up just a little, moving her mouth closer to his. "Oh, Edward," she simpered. "If only I could believe that is you speaking, and not just the fire in your loins." She flicked her tongue out against his upper lip and grinned impishly.
He shook his head and laughed at her exaggerated simpering. "Shut up."
She didn't necessarily plan to, but that was how it turned out when he hauled her out of the chair and pressed his mouth against hers, muffling her laughter with his tongue.
The End