Calligraphers of Silence
Chapter 1: Five Years Gone
It takes some trial and error, but after a couple months on his own Norio develops a set of habits that seem to work. He carries a backpack that always contains a change of clothes, a package of wet wipes at least half full, and other necessities as he sees fit. He picks deodorant and cologne so strong that they make his eyes water and his nose want to climb back into his skull, and reapplies both liberally after every shower, on every break between classes, and later carries on the habit when he starts picking up jobs. If he sweats he uses the wipes before reapplying the scent maskers, and changes his clothes too. He even carries dry shampoo in case he sweats in his scalp, though after a particularly bad encounter he starts targeting jobs that keep him inside public venues with air conditioning.
Hiding his own body odor was key, but if possible the overt application deodorant and cologne are a bigger help. He comes to find that with a strong enough olfactory attack madararui in particular will avert their eyes and their senses as a form of self-preservation, and try to keep any interactions as quick as possible.
He gets along on his own as well as he can for five years, until sheer dumb luck ruins it for him.
He doesn't recognize the customer at first. He's two cities over from where he grew up, and hasn't run into a familiar face since he moved, which had been the point. He's not looking because he shouldn't have to. The cigarette he just smoked has given him a pleasant nicotine high, he's secure in being freshened up. And ok, so his feet are killing him because his shoes are past needing to be replaced, and he's a bit hungry because, as usual, they had a rush and he had to skip his dinner break, but he can probably take something home from the kitchen once he gets off the clock.
Things are normal. He exits the kitchen doors into the soft, lantern-lit restaurant interior and the wooden floor gleams from being freshly mopped, and the dark wood tables and straight black chairs in his section are all clean, just as he left them. Aki, the hostess, indicates a table where she just sat two new customers for him to tend. He grabs the pad of paper and pen out of his back pocket, puts on his best bland smile and heads over to introduce himself.
"Hello, I'll be your waiter today. Would you like to start with something to drink?"
The man on Norio's left, a middle aged business type with the typical suit and salt-and-pepper hair, starts asking about their beer selection. Norio rattles off some options, and writes down the one the customer decides. Then Norio pivots slightly to address the man to his right, a blonde with short-cropped hair who appears to be in his early to mid twenties, wearing a plain white dress shirt and black slacks. He's a bit taken aback to be met with an expression of wide-eyed, open-mouthed shock. Norio automatically looks over his shoulder to see if there's something unusual going on behind him, something he missed. But no, it's nothing but the normal activity for a slightly upscale restaurant at 9pm. He turns back to ask the customer… something. If he's okay. If he wants a drink or an appetizer.
Instead, the guy takes a quick little breath and says, "Norio?"
It takes a few seconds, but he quickly realizes the guy looks familiar, like several people he used to know. But this guy looks close to his own age and hey, didn't he used to have longer hair? And before he realizes the name has reached his brain Norio finds himself saying, "Hidekuni?"
"I changed my mind."
The about-face is so rapid it takes Norio an embarrassingly long time to process Kunimasa's words. He furrows his brow, taking in how suddenly Kunimasa is standing apart from him, a few steps back from the porch of his family's restaurant. His posture is rigid, back straight, eyes pointed at the ground.
Norio edges out a confused little, "What?"
"I changed my mind. I don't want to get married."
The slightly windy day has gone still, or maybe that's just the noise in Norio's head. Are the trees still moving beyond where they are? Norio isn't sure, he can't tear his eyes away from Kunimasa. Finally, he asks, "You want to get married later?"
Kunimasa just tightens his clenched fists, so Norio continues, because there's a cold feeling creeping from his feet and into his legs, the world just beyond Kunimasa is blurry, dizzying, and maybe if he talks enough he can stop the train before it crashes. "I'll admit I thought it was sudden, but I asked everyone else and they didn't seem surprised. So I figured it was normal, to get married young?" His voice peters out for a second but then he follows, stronger, "But that would be fine, we could just continue dating until we are both ready-"
"I don't want to marry you." Norio stops at Kunimasa's interruption, stunned. Kunimasa barrels on, "I've thought it over more; you're not adapting to our society very well. And I've been told I should look for someone from a more affluent family."
There are no words in Norio's head, nothing to push back with. Kunimasa had been interested in other people, sure, and his interest in Norio was often distressingly focused more on how Norio could contribute to his family than any real interest in Norio himself. But he'd never before wavered in his interest, and he'd never backed out of anything he said. "But, I thought. I mean. Didn't you just say you like me?"
And Norio really thought this day couldn't get any worse. But then Kunimasa relaxes his hands, meets Norio's eyes, and says, "I was wrong."
"Oh god. Oh my god." Hidekuni stands up, and Norio is still so stunned that he doesn't back away before Hidekuni is embracing him. He doesn't even flinch at Norio's fresh cologne, and Norio hasn't been this close to anyone except his mother in years. All he can do is fist his hands in his pants to keep himself from returning the gesture, and be glad Hidekuni isn't projecting his scent because the small sniff he gets when his face is briefly enfulged in Hidekuni's chest is so good his toes want to curl in his cheap shoes.
Thankfully the hug does not last long. Soon Hidekuni backs away, his cheeks tinged just a bit pink. He sneezes and scratches the back of his head in embarrassment. "Sorry."
Norio unsticks his tongue and manages, "It's alright."
"I had no idea you were living here," Hidekuni continues. "You hardly look like yourself, I almost didn't recognize you."
It's not that Norio had made efforts to not look like himself, but in the intervening years he had shot up a few inches, his face had thinned a bit, and he had gained a bit of width in his shoulders. He's still built like a beanpole, but he can at least comfortably fit in clothes from the mens section. He likes his hair long, and let it grow until it reached his chin, but now he keeps the bottom half shaved in an undercut and ties the top back in a ponytail while he works. He had first done it on recommendation from a coworker shortly after moving, and had to admit it did help keep his hair controlled. It also made him look a bit like a punk, which wasn't what he wanted, but the change had also helped him feel distanced from his younger, stupider high school self. He'd spent more time than he will ever admit running his hand over the back of his head, feeling somehow cleansed. The worst was over and he would never again have reason to cry over a decision as stupid as pursuing Kunimasa.
Norio self-consciously rubs his hand over the back of his head and smiles uncomfortably at Hidekuni. "You look different too. Short hair suits you." Hidekuni has also gotten a bit taller and broader; but he's always had the same build as Kunimasa and Yonekuni. Norio stops that train of thought before it can get away from him, and thankfully the older man to his left clears his throat.
"Who's your friend, Mr. Woodville?"
"Ah," Hidekuni straightens and turns to face his dinner companion. "He is a friend of my family. I apologize for the interruption; I just hadn't seen him in a long time. Ah, Norio," Hidekuni indicates the older man, "This is professor Shiba from the languages department at my university. I had accompanied him for the weekend to attend a seminar."
Norio says a silent prayer of thanks to the gods, glad that Hidekuni isn't attending a university nearby.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Professor Shiba, I hope you are finding the visit enjoyable."
Hidekuni takes his seat as the professor nods, and Norio grasps the opportunity to make an exit, "Would you be interested in an appetizer?"
They decline, and Norio goes to fetch their drinks. Hidekuni's eyes follow him the rest of the time they are there, but it's subtle. He has to keep most of his attention on his professor for politeness' sake. The only exception is when Norio processes the bill. Under the money Norio finds a personal card with Hidekuni's name and number.
He throws it in the trash.
I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong.
Norio backs up one step, then another. He feels tears quickly pool in the corners of his eyes and drip down his face.
"So, that's it?" His voice is wobbly.
Kunimasa keeps his back straight, and after a moment he breaks Norio's gaze to stick his hands in his pockets He looks to the side and shrugs his shoulders.
Norio takes a shaky breath, hears his voice start to rise up with it, and clamps down before he can start wailing like a child. He turns away from Kunimasa, runs into the house and down the hallways until he reaches the room he's been sharing with Shiro. He thinks he saw Hidekuni grab at him, and passes Shiro and Yonekuni, who both almost trip backwards in surprise. He's pretty sure he hears Yonekuni yell at him, but doesn't acknowledge it.
It takes mere minutes to shove his belongings back into his travel bag. When he slides the screen open to leave, he almost runs into Manami on the other side. Norio quickly catalogs the peculiar pouty, narrow-eyed expression he has come to associate with the mixture of deviousness and eager temper specific to Kunimasa's youngest brother. Manami probably came to yell at Norio for running in the house. His expression quickly starts to drop and look a little uncertain when he spies the travel bag in Norio's tight fist. Rather than risk getting side tracked, Norio does what he knows will confuse Manami most. He gives a short bow and says, "Please extend to your mother my thanks for her hospitality." Then he rushes down the hall before Manami can consider following him, and his luck holds out. He makes it out a side entrance and up the street without encountering anybody else.
He runs to the train station and purchases a ticket for the next available route and doesn't even check to see if it's the right one. People on the train are looking at him with concern, and he wipes his eyes and nose with the back of his sleeve in a poor attempt to clean himself up.
When his mother voices her surprise at his early return, he tells her he had a fight with his friends. Then he spends the next couple weeks telling her he's been getting bullied at school until she finally agrees he can transfer somewhere else. It's not even really a lie.
He ignores all texts save one from Teruhiko, checking in with him over break. Norio texts him back that he's having a hard time, and needs to be by himself for a while. Then he changes his number. It occurs to him later that none of his new "friends" ever bothered to visit him at home; they don't know where he lives.
He's polite to people at his new school, but keeps to himself as much as possible and manages to graduate without making any friends. It's clear to him now there's nowhere he will ever belong. He's not a monkey, but he wasn't able to bridge the gap into madararui society, and now he doesn't want to. All he wants is to be left alone.
Perhaps best of all, after hours upon days of mostly failed effort learning to control his soul's appearance, all it takes is Kunimasa's rejection. It gives him a shroud he can feel in his brain and behind his heart. It's dark, and heavy, and he can feel his true self curled up under it, hiding, as safe as he's ever going to get.
After Kunimasa's rejection, he never has problems controlling his soul's appearance again.
Author's note:
I've got a post on my LJ with a reference pic for Norio's hair, the restaurant he works at in this chapter, and the poem the title comes from. I'll continue to update this page with my reference materials as the story progresses. You can find the direct link on my profile page.
As far as I recall, the manga never states the exact location for the setting, so I'm not either. I'm also not great with Japanese honorifics, and since this is an English audience I'm hoping you guys will just forgive me for not making the characters use them. The tags may have to be updated a bit as I go, but I'm fairly certain I've already got all the major warnings figured that might trigger someone. Also, I'm not sure how strongly mpreg is going to feature in this fic; right now everything else has to play second string to getting the mess between Norio and Kunimasa figured out.
This fic is canon through chapter 44. Since it looked like Kunimasa was going to reject Norio, I assumed that and went from there. I recently reread the manga and it one of the omake's Kunimasa does visit Norio's house, so I guess that I'm deviating from canon a bit there for the sake of convenience. FYI to people who are afraid that series has been abandoned, I guess it's just got a slow update schedule in Japan? I've found raws through chapter 50, and Japan appears to have seen the release of volume 9.
I've got some mixed feelings about writing in the present tense. The flashbacks were always going to be in present tense but originally the current scenes were going to be in past tense and I changed it. If you've got an opinion let me know. I think it's working for now but I know some people find present tense alienating.
No promises on the update schedule.