Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or the characters displayed in it. Not making any profit out of this either.
Spoilers: Everything up to Doppelganger is a fair game.
Rated: A very high T.
Summary: Instead of jumping from one person to another, the entity remained in John Sheppard. AUish twist to Doppelganger!
Warnings: Violence, some swearing. Later chapters will include violence and descriptions of child abuse. You have been warned.
A/N: So as mentioned in the summary, this is an AUish take on the lovely episode "Doppelganger". My own evil version of it (mohahahhaha!). I've also taken the liberty to change a few things about Sheppard's past. For instance, he doesn't have a brother, but otherwise many things are the way it has been portrayed in the show. I felt compelled to write this for I find evil!John very intriguing... Leave a review and tell me your opinion! Constructive criticism and hints in evolving my writing skills are greatly appreciated! Unbeta'd, aka all mistakes are my own. Was published before with the name "Past Regrets" and I know, it has taken me years to complete this fic! Pathetic, I know. The truth is, I felt (and still do) very insecure about my capabilities as a writer and chickened out, pretended I had never posted (mostly because the new chapters didn't turn out the way I hoped). During this summer the fic started haunting me again and I decided to finish it. Still not really satisfied with it, since I know there are many much better writers than I am, and this is a far cry from their level. I've written the whole thing and will publish it all now. Well, anyway, here it is if anyone is interested in reading what my weird little brain has made up! Sorry for the rambling, on with the story! xD
"I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted."
Offering a slightly lop-sided grin one Lt. Colonel John Sheppard stepped out of the infirmary with Teyla by his side. The glowing alien fungus had been mesmerizing, but he had no idea why did he touch that damn thing in the first place!?
"It's been a long day." You got that right.
"Well, thanks for hanging out." And he meant it. John suppressed the urge to massage his temples to relieve the headache he could feel building up. From the corner of his eye the pilot could see Teyla smile ever so slightly. Offering a warm smile of his own, John patted her back reassuringly.
"I'm fine. Get some sleep." And he was. Considering. Doing the idiotic thing he did back at the planet could've led into some serious trouble. You are a proper genius Sheppard. With a barely noticeable sigh Sheppard turned his back to Teyla. A hot shower and a good night's sleep was all he wanted at the moment.
"Good night, John." Watching the colonel wave his hand in acknowledgement Teyla also started heading towards her quarters.
SGA-SGA
John awoke with a gasp. Grasping his chest for a hand that was not there, he slowly became aware of his surroundings. He was in his quarters. Albeit on the hard floor (when had he gotten there?) than on his comfortable bed, but definitely not back at Kolya's torture-chamber with the wraith literally sucking the life out of him.
Groaning softly he lifted himself in a sitting position. He felt shaky, sweaty and he could feel his heart racing. Damn that dream had been vivid. He had felt the gag covering his mouth, how hard it was to breath, seen the wicked grin on Kolya's smug face he barely even tried to hide. The pain of the feeding process. Unconsciously rubbing his chest Sheppard struggled to his feet. After drawing in a few shaky breaths the messy-haired pilot pulled his hand through his hair, making it even messier. Waiting for his heartbeat to steady, John glanced at his trustworthy watch. 3.15 am. Oh that's just great. Deciding there was going to be no more sleeping this night, he changed into a black t-shirt and sweatpants. Not wanting to dwell any longer in the events of his nightmare, he finished tying his shoelaces, bounced up and stepped outside for a run.
Jogging through the empty corridors of Atlantis made John feel a little better. Running had always had that kind of calming effect on him. When you were on a jog, it was just you and the road. Picking up his pace he shoved the remnants of his night-time terrors back in to the carefully sealed closet in the back of his mind.
SGA-SGA
Much to McKay's misery and John's delight, the movie of the evening was Back to the Future.
"Oh come on! We've seen this one at least a hundred times! Isn't there any other movie we could have watched? Something that is actually good? Like Batman?"
"Quit whining McKay, the movie is over already." Sheppard drawled. Truth to be told, even he was getting tired of watching the same film over and over again, but annoying one arrogant rambling Dr. Meredith McKay was something one spiky-haired fly-boy Lt. Col. John Sheppard truly enjoyed.
"Next time, I'll get to decide the movie!" Rodney declared loudly with a defiant glare before stomping out of the room muttering under his breath something about stubborn fly-boys making him waste his precious time and massive intellect on inane mumbo jumbo. Hiding his smirk, John got up from the chair he'd been sitting.
"Well kids, I'm off to bed, see you guys tomorrow." Stifling a yawn John waved his goodbyes to Teyla and Ronon who were exchanging an amused glance due to Rodney's departure.
"I think I will "hit the sack" as well." Hesitating slightly with the foreign Earth-term, Teyla nodded in her agreement while Ronon gave an affirmative grunt.
Reaching his quarters John had trouble to shake off the uneasiness landing on him. Snaps of last night's dream intruded his mind: wraith leaning over him, stretching his hand, reaching his chest and... Get a grip of yourself Sheppard! Shaking his head in frustration John started getting ready for bed. Jeez, just suck it up! Suddenly feeling drained Sheppard rubbed his face and pulled the covers over his body. After barely catching any z's last night, he needed a good solid eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Tired as he was, John couldn't relax. Something kept him on the edge, denying him the sweet rest he sorely needed. After hours of rolling around he finally fell into a restless slumber.
SGA-SGA
"This is pretty good. What is it?" John lifted his eyebrow as he stuffed in another forkful of a peculiar Athosian dish he'd dubbed "meat-stew", containing something resembling a potato. Well, whatever it was, it was delicious. Relaxed, John let his gaze wander around his surroundings. He and Teyla were on the mainland, in one of the New Athos' cozy little leather-tents.
Suddenly John noticed Ronon was smirking smugly in the corner while casually leaning against a wooden closet. When had Ronon arrived? Shrugging off his surprise John took another mouthful. Ronon's smirk grew a bit wider. "I knew you two were going to eventually hook up."
Frowning in slight confusion and a bit irritated (after all, they were just friends) John lowered his voice into the enough-of-this-nonsense-tone which he usually saved for McKay's prolonged babbling. "We're not hooking up, it's just dinner!"
"I'm telling you, there's something in here giving off a strange energy reading..." Even more puzzled, John turned his head to find Rodney with his eyes glued into the LSD he was holding. Momentarily stunned Sheppard merely stared as the scientist moved away in a semi-circle. Looking back to Teyla, searching for explanation or at the very least confirmation he wasn't hallucinating, John realized Teyla had stood up from her chair and backed to the far end of the tent, as far as she could get from John without actually leaving the tent. And... Was that fear in her eyes?
"John…? What are you doing?" Why was Teyla speaking so warily? The pilot opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, only to realize he as well was standing. And holding a knife so tightly that his knuckles were white. What the hell? Lifting his gaze to Teyla's unnerved form John tried to reassure her by dropping the knife from his grasp. Instead of unclenching his fist, his feet involuntarily stepped towards the Athosian until Sheppard was straight in front of her, so close he could count her eyelashes, blocking any possible escape.
"John, please drop the knife." Teyla breathed out, the quivering in her voice betraying the panic her eyes did not. Starting to freak out from not being able to control his actions, John opened his mouth again to say something in order to comfort Teyla, but nothing came out. The faint moistness in her beautiful eyes had grown and gathered into a large teardrop that slowly ran down Teyla's cheek.
"John, please don't. Please." Sheppard was taken aback at how weak and broken Teyla sounded. As he pressed the tip of the knife against Teyla's stomach she flinched and the tears started falling freely. To his horror John saw himself push the knife with all the strength he could muster as Teyla gasped in pain. Feeling numb he watched the blood oozing from the wound, staining his hands and splattering on his shirt. Bright red blood. Teyla's blood. Shifting his gaze into her face Sheppard saw those big brown eyes filled with agony, betrayal, sorrow and terror, accusing him for doing this. Still shocked of what had happened John watched Teyla part her lips in an attempt to speak, only to cough out blood. The pilot continued staring, still feeling detached in an odd way, as Teyla struggled to voice her thoughts.
"W... Wh... Why..?" Teyla's whisper was barely audible and enough to snap Sheppard back into his body. Only it continued disobeying, when John realized his grip on the weapon had tightened once again. Slowly, he started to twist the hilt. Moaning weakly, Teyla's legs stopped supporting her and John caught her slackened body. Panicking, he searched her eyes in time to see the sparkle of life leaving from them never to return.
"No, TEYLA!" Trying to grasp Teyla, to convince himself he had merely imagined the vacant, hollow stare, to help her, John bounced up from his bed. Wait a second. Bed? Letting his gaze wander John realized he was standing in front of his bed, in the familiar room that had become his home. Definitely not on the mainland eating a strange Athosian dish. And that meant... Relief washed over him as he realised that Teyla was a-okay, most likely sleeping in her own quarters. Feeling an urge to burst into a hysterical laughter, he buried his face in his shaking hands. Oh thank god it was just a dream.. When he got his breathing under control and had suppressed the trembling, John ran both of his hands through the sweat-soaked dark hair which had stuck onto the back of his neck. So much for the peaceful, much-needed rest. Seeing that it was already 4:00 am, John convinced himself that it would be futile going back to bed and changed into his running gear. Setting a steady pace for himself, John Sheppard once again jogged through the dark, empty hallways of Atlantis.
SGA-SGA
Stepping out of the long, relaxing shower that had driven away the lingering remains of last night, John checked the time again. Little over six am. As his stomach started to rumble Sheppard realized that he was starving. To the mess-hall for early breakfast then! Ronon would be most likely busy beating up the new marines and, John admitted to himself, he wasn't ready to face Teyla. Not yet. He was afraid she would somehow find out the content of his dream (sometimes she could read him like a book, which kind of scared John a little bit. Not that he'd ever admit it.) So that left Rodney. If luck was with him, McKay would already be awake fiddling with some Ancient trinket and in need of a break, though John suspected it would not be hard to convince the scientist to accompany him as long as they weren't serving lemon porridge.
Arriving in Rodney's lab John couldn't help but chuckle at the view in front of him. Dr. Rodney McKay, the self-proclaimed smartest man in two galaxies, was slumped in his chair, leaning his chin on his hands - he had obviously pulled an all-nighter while studying some new shiny Ancient gadget. That in itself was nothing new under the sun, the funny part being his wide-open-fish-on-dry-land-mouth and the small stream of drool escaping from it, pouring down his chin and dripping on the table. The fact that Rodney was faintly snoring and twitching his fingers only made the whole thing better. Smirking, John made his way on the scientist right side and declared with an exaggerated upbeat voice: "Rise and shine, Meredith!"
Startled, Rodney flailed his arms around him, trying to prevent falling from the chair - and utterly failing. "OH JESUS CHRIST!" John's smirk widened as he saw Rodney landing on his gluteus maximus.
"Actually, my name is John." Sheppard drawled casually.
"Ha, ha, very funny, no one has ever made that joke before, so original of you..." Rodney mumbled bitterly as he gingerly stood up and tried to wipe the drool away discreetly.
"Ouch, don't you know that I bruise like a peach?! You could have killed me, sneaking upon me like that you know! You nearly gave me a heart attack! Or I could have landed on my head and severely damage my irreplaceable brain! Permanently!"
"You drool in your sleep, did you know that? And snore. Loudly." John watched amused as Rodney squirmed, trying to feign disinterest.
"For the record, I do not snore! Neither do I drool. I might experience some, overproduction of saliva, after a long hard day of working my ass of - thank you very much - but I certainly do not drool! And don't try to get away of nearly killing me by switching the subject!" Tuning out the scientist complains John leaned towards the tablet, getting a better look at the jibber jabber on the screen. "Late night, huh?"
"Well thank you for the newsflash Captain Obvious!" McKay snapped, still irritated.
The pilot raised his right index finger absentmindedly. "It's Colonel Obvious, remember?"
Ignoring Sheppard's comment, Rodney rambled on. "And FYI, the study I was conducting is possibly of great importance, well not that I'd waste my priceless time to something insignificant, even my minions can handle them... Or no no no no, Zelenka, he's a far better choice - at least with him I don't have to be afraid of the lab blowing apart, though on the other hand..."
"Rodney!" Catching the slightly baffled scientist attention John continued: "Get to the point."
"Right, right the point. Well, considering that I manage to squeeze some time for this instead of passing it forward to Zelenka, indicates that.."
"Rodney.."
"I'm getting there! Jeez Sheppard! As I was saying, I believe this thing.." Rodney picked up an oval-shaped small, grey, rock-like-object with a smooth surface ".. can be worth one's while. I think, with an emphasis on the think, that this baby right here could actually be a healing device." With a smug smile plastered on his face Rodney lowered the gadget back onto the table.
"Are you serious?"John knew the excitement in McKay's eyes matched the one in his own. This was big news, no huge! Having a portable healing device (it would fit snugly into one of the TAC-vest's pockets..) would be much more worth than it's weight in gold.
"I can't say for sure yet, hence the on-going research, but in my opinion... I think we might have hit the jackpot. Now off you go, and let Unca Rodney carry on." Waving his hand dismissively McKay turned towards his tablet, swiftly forgetting John's presence (or existence for that matter). Clearing his throat the pilot managed to make Rodney jump in his chair.
"What?!"
"I was just wondering if you'd like to hit the mess hall for early breakfast.." John inquired with a crooked grin. Rodney could never resist even the mention of a prospective meal. And as expected, the scientist's eyes lit up during the words mess hall and breakfast. Moving faster that John had thought him capable of, McKay leaped of his chair and passed him.
"What are you waiting for? Come on before Ronon's finished with the marines or he'll hog all of the scrambled eggs!"
Snorting, John countered: "Pot.. Kettle.." McKay rolled his eyes before hurrying towards the mess hall.
SGA-SGA
".. and then he called me immature! Can you believe it?! I mean, helloo, genius over here! So anyway.." Letting McKay's ranting go in from one ear and out from the other Sheppard pushed the bacon and eggs on his around plate with his fork. As they had sat down at the table John had suddenly had a flashback of last night's dream, of Teyla's cold, lifeless eyes staring vacantly ahead, of the blood on his hands, oh God there was so much blood, of Teyla pleading him to stop, of the resistance of Teyla's skin when he pressed the knife on it and how he continued pushing until he could feel the skin ripping apart, making way for the knife... Nausea had nearly overwhelmed him, and now he fought not to toss his cookies right then and there. And the pounding in his head was not making it any better. Glaring knives at his food like it was completely it's fault, John pushed a slice of bacon covered in grease to the other edge of the plate. Trying to calm his rebelling stomach he thought about bright blue, cloudless skies when Rodney pulled him out of his musings by snapping his fingers in front of the pilot's face.
"Colonel? Time to come back from the Laalaa-land!"
"Mm what?"
"My God you have the attention span of a banana-fly! I've been calling your name for like a minute!"
"Did not."
"Did too!" Frowning at the lack of enthusiasm in Sheppard's retort Rodney took a closer look at his friends. He looked like he hadn't had a decent sleep in a while, with the pale face and dark smudges under his eyes. Glancing at the pilot's full plate Rodney added loss of appetite into his mental list.
"You okay Colonel? You look like crap." Nice and straight, that's the way to do it. Rodney watched as Sheppard ruffled his messy hair (how was it so spiky? Did Sheppard use some kind of gel to make it look like that?), clearly uncomfortable. "I'm fine, just had a weird dream that's all.."
Satisfied with the Colonel's response (honestly, could you expect the man to say something other than "fine" or "I'm good"?) Rodney snorted. "Don't come talk to me about weird! Oh please, you want to hear bizarre? Let me tell you about..."
John listened Rodney describing in great detail how he got invited in Colonel Carter's quarters for dinner, only to notice her serving lemon chicken and the reason for the invitation being that she was promoting Zelenka over him ("I mean Zelenka, really?!"), in his dream last night. The throbbing of his head was only getting worse as was the nausea churning in his guts. ".. and then I was eaten by a whale. Don't ask how that happened."
"You know what Rodney, I just remembered I need to file some mission reports. Catch you later?" Baffled, Rodney watched mouth open as the Colonel abruptly got up from the chair he was sitting in and almost bolted out of the room. Getting over the surprise, Rodney exchanged Sheppard's barely touched plate with his own nearly licked-clean-plate. Only fools wasted food.
As soon as John hit his quarters he made his way swiftly to the toilet. Losing the battle he started heaving everything he had left in his stomach (which wasn't much since he had only managed to swallow a mouthful). After he was done John wiped his mouth with a shaking hand. He felt miserable and being coated in sweat did nothing to get his mood up. Drained of his strength, Sheppard slumped on the cool floor and planted his forehead on it, which eased his headache a bit. His eyelids led-like, John couldn't prevent them drooping down. Maybe he'd close them just for a short while.. Within two minutes the military commander of Atlantis was sound asleep, curled on the bathroom floor.