Disclaimer: JAG and its characters belong to Bellisarius Productions.
Spoilers: Anything between To Russia with Love and Legacy I&II is fair play.
A/N: This was written as part of the "What If" ficathon on HBX, the prompt was: "What if Harm and Mac had gotten together in Russia? (in "To Russia with Love")" by Janlaw.
The story starts off in the middle of the episode Legacy part II, when Mac reaches Russia.
Special thanks to my wonderful beta-reader, Colie!
Location, location, location
"Driver, what's the fair to Chechnya?"
Alexei turned with dread to look at the back seat and uttered something unintelligible.
The words had come out of her mouth before she really thought them over, but once said, they only cemented her decision. She'd be damned before she let Harm step into the fire unaware because of stupid spy games. If it took riding a taxi into a war torn country, so be it.
Luckily, Alexei never argued with her or with money, or in this case – both; he just started driving, leaving her to her thoughts.
Her thoughts went back in time; two years back in time. She stared unseeingly out the window as she remembered the last time she and Harm came to Russia. That first night had been one hell of a ride and the adrenaline rushing through them did not help in falling asleep the second time around...
-Flashback-
Harm collapsed into his chair with a heartfelt sigh. Across from him, Mac leaned on the foot of the bed, her arms crossed against her silk nightgown. Maternal feelings were bubbling up inside of her at the sight of this outwardly grown-up little boy, out to set the world right.
"Think you'll manage to get some sleep this time around?" She asked with half a smile.
His head rose and twinkling eyes met their brown counterparts. There was so much going through his mind, you could practically see the wheels turning just by catching a glimpse of his gaze. He graced her with a grin before answering "Ha! Not likely..."
Mac shrugged her shoulders as if to say 'you and me both'.
An idea came and she went to grab her bag and rummage through it, while Harm lazily followed her movements from the chair. Finally finding what she searched for she turned back to her partner, raising her find for him to see. "Wanna pass the time with some crossword puzzles?"
Harm looked like he was going to make an acerbic remark, but then deflated and shrugged. "Sure."
And so she sat against the headboard, under the covers, and read him the definitions. Reading out-loud got too tiring very fast and Mac sighed.
"How about you come and sit here so I don't have to read them out-loud?" She half expected a rejection and so was surprised when he promptly disentangled himself from the chair and came to sit next to her against the headboard.
Stuck on a couple of hard definitions, two stubborn souls that they were, they sat and stared at them, willing the answers to come. Mac noticed Harm's heavier breathing just as she realized her eyelids were becoming rather heavy as well.
-----
Mac opened her eyes immediately. Something was not right. 5 seconds later she revised her own statement. Something felt very, very right. She smiled to herself and the opposite wall as she committed the feeling of being held in his arms to memory.
A few minutes later the real world started knocking on her mind; they had to get up, it was morning.
"Harm..." she whispered softly, her hands gently stroking his arms. The only response she got was his arms marginally tightening around her. She smiled wider and turned around in his embrace to face him.
"Harm?" She tried again, her fingers caressing his face. Harm leaned into her touch, still mostly asleep. Nuzzling her hand he took a deep breath. "Sarah..."
Her heart positively stopped, and she just stared at him in shock. Slowly, his hand moved up to rest atop hers, still cupping his cheek warmly. Keeping her hand in place, his eyes fluttered open and came into focus; steady and unflinching. She could feel the blush warming her cheeks.
"G'morning." His rough voice made her heart start a brand new rhythm, and she could only reflect his smile, for her voice was nowhere to be found.
"Have I thanked you already?" Her mind registered that he didn't seem at all bothered by their positions or the fact that their joined hands had moved to the mattress between them. It was a good thing her emotions played so clearly across her face; it made communicating without her voice that much easier. "For coming here with me." He explained. "I was set and ready to do this alone, but I'm glad you came."
Her smile widened slightly and without doubting what felt so natural there and then, she leaned forward to touch her lips to his in the simplest of kisses.
Mac pulled back to find wonder in his expression, which is when her mind decided to kick into gear.
"Harm-" But that was all she managed to get out before the distance between them vanished again, this time by his doing, as he "saw" her simple kiss and "raised her" a far more passionate one. She eagerly accepted.
When they broke apart, Mac realized his thumb was caressing her cheek. Smiling for the 10th time in five minutes, she turned her head to deliver a kiss to his palm.
"You're most welcome." She finally got her voice back.
Harm just laughed and flashed his brightest smile at her.
"Now, come on, sleepy-head. Things to do, places to go..." Mac turned to get up but was caught by a strong pair of arms before she could get off the bed, and a deep voice was at her ear.
"Have it your way, Marine, for now..."
Her eyes closed automatically and her body tingled. She couldn't wait till later.
-End flashback-
Mac opened her eyes when she sensed the taxi slowing down.
"What's wrong, Alexei?" But she saw the answer as she looked up ahead. The sight of Russian soldiers at a barricade was not a calming one.
"Oh boy, now we are finished... maybe they will shoot us here; save the Chechens two bullets..."
Rolling her eyes, Mac readied herself to play whatever role she'd have to and got a couple of bills ready as well.
Luckily enough, she didn't have much acting to do, Alexei set the stage and she just had to put her emotions in her eyes and utter a couple of convincing sentences. The bills did the rest.
"I will take any risk for the love of my husband" she had said to the Russian soldier. She remembered a couple of times she had risked a lot for the love of this man who would not be her husband and would not return her love.
-Flashback-
"Harm!"
Five minutes of knocking on his door got her nowhere. The yelling of his name got her some questioning gazes from curious neighbors. But, damn it, she wasn't going to give up.
"Harm, you know I won't leave till you let me in, I know you're home."
Mac sighed and let her shoulders drop. He would just go on ignoring her. It's been a week since they'd gotten back from Russia. That made it a week and a day of Harm ignoring her.
After learning of his father's life in Russia and his death, Harm had been completely closed off to her. He asked for some time off, which was granted immediately, and for all she knew he never once left his apartment. He was coming back to JAG the following day and this was her last chance to break through to him before the job got in the way.
This behavior of his crushed her. She thought they had started something in Russia; that first night in their hotel room was followed by touches and silent communication that hadn't been there before. Their nights with the gypsies were spent with her warmly ensconced in his arms.
Due to all the adrenaline rush not much more happened, but she reasoned they'd get back to Washington and figure it all out. She never saw this coming.
She threw her back against his door with a dull thud, and was working on convincing herself to leave, when suddenly the door opened without warning and she fell backwards... and into a pair of arms.
Slightly out of breath a half-embarrassed smile caught her lips as Harm helped her get steady on her feet. She turned to him, still smiling, but that smile promptly washed off her face when she saw his. Completely devoid of emotion. She might as well have been looking at a statue.
She gathered herself mentally and halted the tears before they could reach her eyes. Squaring her shoulders she walked inside without an invitation.
"Mac, I don't.. I'm tired..." he wouldn't look at her and Mac simply cut him off.
"It's okay, Harm, this won't take long." Later she would be proud of her clear strong voice while her insides trembled. "I get it, Harm, and I came to straighten things out before we come to work tomorrow and realize that one of us has to ask for a transfer, because you can't talk to me. We both love our jobs and I think that despite everything we work well together."
She kept her eyes on him, as Harm stared at the floor. He once lifted his head when he heard the word 'transfer', but only for a brief moment. Mac forged on.
"You needed support on this trip and I gave it willingly, that's all there was to it, Harm." This time he held her gaze; he looked slightly confused. "That's it." She repeated.
She was breaking inside but she had to give him this out; she wanted him in her life too damned much to allow losing him because he didn't love her like she did him. They'd go back to being great friends with the banter and the flirting that went nowhere, and she'd just have to live with it.
She could see a war being waged behind the walls. She hoped she had gotten through.
Finally he broke the connection and shook his head, as if trying to make his brain work properly. "I'm sorry Mac-" But she cut him off again.
"It's fine, Harm." She walked up to him, and not giving him a chance to back away, drew him in to a strong hug. She needed this for herself and decided to just take it. A relieved sigh escaped her lips when he hugged her back just as tight. "Let's just put this behind us and get back to normal." She whispered, mostly to herself. She got no response.
With one final squeeze, Mac backed away, flashed a quick smile, eyes downcast to hide the heavy emotions weighing down her heart and within 10 seconds she was out of the apartment and outside.
Hidden from most of the world just outside the building's door, she took some deep calming breaths, strode decisively to her car and drove away. The tears came later.
-End flashback-
Angrily wiping a stray tear away, Mac sat up straighter in her seat. There was no need to cry over the unchangeable past. Again. They had gone back to normal after that. She was with Mic now, Harm was with Renee. She had to get a grip.
Alexei's grumbling and struggling brought her effectively out of her brooding.
"Alexei?"
"I think we have a bad tire..."
"Oh great..."
"Don't worry, beautiful Colonel, I have a spare!" Alexei pulled over to the side of the road and added under his breath, "I think..."
It took a whole of ten minutes, including her taking over the changing of the tire, to get back on the road. Alexei kept mumbling about artillery attacks, his beating heart and crazy women, but she ignored it, while another thought played repeatedly in her mind. How many 'artillery attacks' had she driven through for Mic? Real or metaphorical? How many had he driven through for her?
She knew Harm would do the same thing for her that she was doing for him, could she say the same thing about Mic? Yes, he had resigned his commission in the Australian Navy and moved across the globe to be with her, but was that done for her? She couldn't help but feel it had been done to her. There was a big difference.
-Flashback-
Mac brought her right hand up so the ring sparkled in the dim light. With a frown she turned her hand this way, then that, then finally let it fall down with a disgusted grunt.
What was she doing? 'Getting what you want' a little voice in her head answered. 'You wanted a husband and a family and exactly that has been offered so you accepted!'
Then why didn't see truly accept? Why was she still holding back?
Her head fell back against the high seat and her eyes wandered upwards. She wished those thoughts would stop already. She knew all the questions and the answers by heart at this point. She was holding back because Mic still didn't have her heart and yet she was still there because her rational half kept convincing her that this was the best she was going to get.
Mac looked to her left to see Webb was still soundly asleep, then to her right to stare out the plane's window. Now, here she was, going to Russia again. Admittedly, this time she wasn't going after Harm, but she felt his pull none-the-less; it made the ring heavier. What was it with them and locations? In Sidney Harm had said that location didn't change who they were. She disagreed and she had past experience to prove it.
Her attention was once again brought to her hand. Why was she fighting herself? This was supposed to feel great! If she felt the ring weighing her down when she wasn't even engaged yet it was certainly not a good sign!
Taking the ring off her finger, Mac held it up between her thumb and forefinger, then clenched it in her fist. Her mind was made up. She was taking the ring off. Just for now, she'd see how she felt without it. After all you need to see both sides before you make up your mind, right?
Feeling slightly more like herself, she relaxed back and closed her eyes, maybe she'd manage a few minutes of sleep before landing.
-End flashback-
When they were close to the base, Mac had Alexei stop in some secluded area so she could change into her uniform. Pretending to be a devoted wife wouldn't work this time; this time she was going to pull rank.
It worked like a charm – not even Russian soldiers would stand in the way of a determined Marine. She pretty much charged into that base and demanded to be taken to Commander Rabb, trying not to show emotions when they directed her to the base prison. With every passing second she became more and more convinced that she had made the right decision in venturing out there.
Walking into the small dank room, Mac had to forcefully curb the urge to march up to Harm and hug him. It had been a long journey.
"Lt. Col. MacKenzie. Captain Volkonov and Sgt. Sergei Zhukov... my brother."
An automatic smile came to her lips but it faded when she saw the look on Harm's face and his eyes expressing so much more. Something clicked into place. "Your father... in Siberia..."
Sergei smiled at her proudly and she felt joy and nervousness fill her. Harm had a little brother. How was he taking it? Was he happy to have this newfound link to his father or did it make him angry? Her worries were cut short by the music starting outside and within seconds she switched back to ready-mode. There was an assassination to prevent.
The four of them worked together and life was put on fast forward until everything was calm once again.
-----
Mac watched Harm watching his younger brother as he walked away proudly. Harm seemed every bit as proud.
Webb was first to break the silence "Well, this has all been fun, but I've other places to be." He broke off from the group and started walking away. "You two enjoy your flight tomorrow!" And he was gone.
"Tomorrow?" Mac immediately checked the ticket. Sure enough, their flight left the following morning. The way Webb had given them their tickets, she was sure they'd be leaving within the hour. She looked up at Harm, but couldn't read his expression, and Falcon decided to butt in just then.
"How about some dinner, Sarah?" He took a step closer and leaned towards her.
Mac couldn't help but steal a glance at Harm as she leaned away from Falcon and closer to Harm. "Uh.. no, thank you... I think I'll just catch up on some sleep..." She tried to smile sweetly but doubted that's how it looked.
Falcon just nodded and backed away.
Mac shook her head slightly, then smiled at Harm again with a raised brow. "Can I crash at your hotel room again?"
A chuckle was his only response as he lead her to Alexei and the taxi. They got in and Alexei turned to the back seat. "So, boss, any more artillery attacks you want to drive through?"
Mac blushed and chuckled. "Just the hotel this time, Alexei."
Harm looked from Mac to Alexei and back in confusion. "Mac?" She wouldn't look back at him. And the rest of the drive passed in silence.
When they stopped at the hotel, Mac started immediately towards the entrance; she really really needed a nice, long, scalding hot shower right about now. Harm hung back with Alexei, mostly because the man held him by the forearm.
"Boss, you will really let the beautiful Colonel marry another man?" he implored.
Looking at Mac's back, Harm sighed. He was getting confused. He noticed her ring free right hand. "I hope I won't have to." He answered truthfully.
"Be serious, boss!" Alexei begged. "You can not let a woman like that just walk away! She drove all the way to Chechnya for you! I will not believe it is only camaraderie!"
That snapped Harm out of his thoughts. "She what?!"
"Yes! She would not be stopped! She changed the tire and she-"
Harm cut the over-excited Alexei off by clamping a hand onto his shoulder. "Alexei. Thank you." He shook the man's hand and stuffed some bills into it, before following Mac's trail to the hotel.
A calm smile took root on Alexei's face. "You're welcome, boss."
-----
"Ah, to feel human again." Mac sighed happily as she stepped out of the shower in a white fluffy robe, her still damp hair framing her face.
Harm sat on the bed, staring at his hands. "The shower's all yours, Harm."
Harm didn't reply and just kept on staring at her hands. She was about to comment, when he finally spoke up. "Mac?"
"Yeah, Harm?" She walked over to the window, rubbing lotion into her hands.
"Where's your ring?" His question came completely out of the blue and she whirled around to find him staring intently at her.
"I.. uh.." Her mind scrambled for a response and her mouth snapped shut as she met his eyes. What was she supposed to say? She hadn't broken it off with Mic, she just took off the ring. Why? She wasn't even sure she knew the answer to that question...
She walked over and sat next to him on the bed with a sigh. After a moment Harm gathered her right hand into both of his, tracing her fingers.
"I like it better this way." He uttered the words so quietly, she wondered if her mind conjured them up. Her breath caught in her throat and tears threatened in her eyes. She pulled her hand away and stood abruptly, taking a few trembling steps away.
"Harm-"
"Mac, please." She stood still, her back to him, her arms folded tightly against her fluttering stomach. "I, I'm sorry. I just–" He paused. "You really actually had Alexei drive you to Chechnya?!"
Mac could hear the exasperation in his voice and knew there were many jumbled words behind the few that came out of his mouth. She let out a short nervous chuckle.
"I guess I did."
His silence screamed.
"I can't help but compare this to our last visit to Russia." Harm stated.
Her eyes drew up to the ceiling. "Getting tired of me chasing you places?"
"Just tired of chasing you away." He let the statement hang in the air as time stood still and her heart raced. Ever so slowly she turned around to him. It was as if they'd been transported back in time to the day he found out about his father's death; he was completely broken. She hoped this time he'd let her in.
Mac took the necessary steps to the bed and sat back down beside Harm. "Then stop shutting me out..." Timidly, he took her hand in his once again, and she let him.
"I'm sorry, Mac. I'm sorry for how I was when we got home last time… But you have to understand; in one moment I had lost the main thing that had been driving me onwards since the age of six!" His voice rose at the end of the sentence, along with his emotions. He took a deep breath and started again. "I had lost my North Star. The world collapsed and I collapsed with it."
Mac literally bit her tongue so her automatic answer wouldn't come out. "But I didn't mean to close you out. And then you came and offered normalcy. And suddenly it seemed like the perfect solution to everything! Go back to normal and the world will keep on turning... so I took it. And threw away what I wanted in the process."
And just like that he clammed up again and they were both silent for a while.
Feeling like she should give a little after his revealing explanation, still slightly awed by it, Mac stared at her hand in his and let her mouth go.
"I took it off because it weighed me down." She didn't dare move a muscle, but felt him move to look at her. "I want it so much, Harm. I want everything he's offering." His hold on her hand tightened and she let out a breath. "I'm just not sure I want it from him..." She choked on the last word.
After a few more minutes of silence, Harm spoke again. "I feel like a completely different man. Again." He looked her in the eye.
"Wasn't it you that said 'location doesn't change who we are'?" Mac challenged.
"It doesn't. It just changes our perspective."
"How's your perspective now?" She asked quietly, half fearing the answer.
"Getting clearer." He was whispering now, his face nearing hers.
Their lips met softly; tenderly negotiating new grounds. Harm let his emotions take over once again as he deepened the kiss, burying his hands in her drying hair. Taking a break for air, he kept his forehead against hers. "I won't shut you out this time, Mac, I promise."
A heavy weight lifted off her heart. It was as if he knew her thoughts. "I'm breaking it off with Mic." She assured him, her eyes still closed.
"I'm ending it with Renee." He returned.
She drew him in for another long kiss, reminding herself of his taste and texture, delving deep to assuage her doubts. He moved his mouth from hers and trailed it to her ear, breathing heavily. "This is how our last night in Russia should have gone last time."
Mac held him tightly to her, and Harm pulled her into his lap. "Then I guess it's a good thing we got a chance to do it over."
"Mm-hmm" Harm hummed against her cheek, then without warning got up, bringing her with him.
"Harm?"
He didn't explain. He simply pulled back the covers and proceeded to tuck them both underneath them.
"What are you doing?" She laughed but let him do as he pleased.
"Getting things right." He answered and kissed her cheek, wrapping his arms warmly around her from behind as they lay together. "This is one of the ways I pictured that night going." He explained with a hint of amusement in his voice.
"Why do I get the feeling we're gonna need at least a month to get through your ideas of getting this right?" Mac smiled widely, thinking of a few ideas of her own.
"Hush, Marine, you're ruining my re-enactment here." Harm stated, and started laying small kisses along her neck.
Mac was safe in his embrace and in the knowledge that while perspectives might change, some things would not. Harm would never break a promise, and she now had two of them for him to keep, tucked close to her heart.
She reached back to cup his cheek in her hand and tilted her head to capture his questing mouth with hers.
She had a feeling that as long as it was the two of them, any location would be just fine.
-----
The End.