"Jasper," I breathe. "Jasper."
Pain. Indescribable, undeniable pain flows through my veins like molten lava. The heat sets my blood on fire, similar to what I assume the transition feels like.
I'm not transitioning. However, I have stopped breathing; I have become a cold, lifeless sculpture. I am dead inside.
With outstretched arms I plead for something I can never have. What I desire is beyond my reach. I have spent the past year reaching for the stars. I got a glimpse of something more, and I greedily took what was given to me. Edward's kisses, his touch, his love...I devoured all of it like an alcoholic does their last drink.
"You didn't hurt me," I whisper.
His back is tense, and he's impossibly still. There's no warning when he flashes in front of me, his cold golden eyes looking through me, seeing past me like I'm not even worth acknowledging. "You shouldn't be out here," he informs me.
"I wanted to make sure you weren't blaming yourself for what happened," I say shyly, unaccustomed to being so close to someone like him - mysterious in a dark way and obviously deadly. He's so unlike Edward, I muse.
"And who else is to blame, sweet human?" he asks, the words flowing from his lips like warm honey.
The term of endearment throws me off. He's never addressed me as anything but plain, simple Bella. Feeling like a skittish horse, I focus my gaze on his throat. I admire it's smooth paleness in the glow of the moon. "I am," I reply matter-of-factly.
He chuckles, the sound deep and rich, and it carries in the night air, flowing over me like a gentle wave. He has this way about him- like a tamed lion observing its prey, but never going for the kill. Yet, despite its agreeable manner, you always know what it's capable of. "Silly human," he murmurs, his glittering eyes shining with obvious amusement.
A spark of anger flares to life in my chest. His dismissal of my declaration annoys me. He thinks me a child, and in some ways he would be right, but I'm not naive or stupid. I know he blames himself for something he can't always control. I know he hates what he is. I know he hates the eternal struggle of maintaining control, but he keeps struggling because he knows it's the right thing to do.
"I saw Edward's face when you attacked me," I say out of the blue. The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I can get to work repairing the gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to reside.
His face becomes cold, distant. Inhaling the crisp air, I continue with what needs to be said. "He's going to leave me. I know that look. It's the same one he gave me after James bit me."
Jasper looks down at me, his expression unreadable. I do catch a single emotion in his eyes before it disappears- pity. I don't need his pity, I don't want it. I hate it even. "Don't blame yourself," I tell him. "Edward was never going to stay with me forever." I hug my torso, trying to ward off the cold moving through me, freezing me from the inside.
Smiling unhappily, I say without judgment, "You just sped things up a bit. You probably did me a favor. It's better not to get too attached, right?"
Throughout my entire speech, he does nothing but stare at me. He doesn't let me see what he's feeling, but I expected that. Jasper is not the open sort. I'll leave in a few seconds and he probably won't have said a word.
Finally, Jasper moves. His hand strikes out to caress my cheek. "You're resigned to Edward abandoning you then?" he asks.
Unnerved by his touch, so foreign but not unwanted, I nod distractedly. "I knew he wouldn't want me forever," I admit, shame staining my face a harsh red.
He frowns at that, his dark brows pulled low on his marble face. "Edward wants you more than he wants blood. He proves it everyday."
The moment feels too intimate, so I step out of his immediate reach. "I would prefer he proved his love by staying," I retort angrily.
He tosses a sad grin my way before turning halfway to face the house. "He's afraid," Jasper says. "I feel his fear like it's my own. Fear causes people to do unwise things."
If I can trust a roomful of vampires and not be afraid, surely Edward can find the courage to be with me. I say nothing though; I just stare up at the starlit sky, thinking about what my life is going to be like after tonight.
I feel the tears clogging my throat, but I swallow them down. "Tell them goodbye for me," I request softly.
Determined, I take those first few horrible steps down the driveway, prepared to let go of the people I've come to care very much for. It's better to stay strong. If I don't keep it together, I'll break apart, and no one will ever be able to put me back together again.
"Bella," Jasper's voice reaches me.
Looking at him over my shoulder, I wait to see what he has to say. My eyes have become accustomed to the dark so I can see his handsome face twisted in what looks like regret. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt you. I would never hurt you."
"It's okay," I reassure him.
I leave then. I make my way back home, following the wet pavement all the way to Charlie's door. When I step into the house, I look and find Charlie on the couch, watching a football game. He says 'hi' and he smiles at me, the game taking up most of his attention. He misses my stricken face, my trembling hands, and I'm thankful because I'm not in any condition to go about explaining what happened at the Cullens. I doubt I'll ever be ready.
My room is exactly the same as it was this morning. There's no sign of Edward ever having been here, which is a good thing right now. I hardly need a reminder of what I've just lost.
Falling to bed, I bury my head in my pillow. My cries are muffled as they tear through me. I promise myself I'm only going to cry tonight; tomorrow I'm going to put on a brave face and pretend like my life hasn't come to an end.