Alternate fic between the Bount filler and the introduction of the Vaizard and Arrancar. No pairing yet determined. Small amount of Unohana/Hanatarou and Isane/Hanatarou in this chapter. I apolagise if using the japanese words confuses you, but sometimes it just doesn't sound right with english, so bare with me.

"U-unohana taicho!" smiled Hanatarou happily, placing the bags of goods in front of his superior. Quickly bowing several times, he zipped back to his respectful distance. "H-here are the items you requested from the real world. Various cosmetics and confectionary that were well recommended by Inoue-san and many magazines, Unohana taicho." And he bowed again.

While the quiet captain was greatly pleased at her presents (and while vice-captain Isane went green with envy) third-seat Yasochika Iemura boiled red in frustration. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded angrily, stomping his feet. "Bribing your captain before your debriefing? This is outrageous! I cann-"

"Oh! This looks so expensive Hanatarou-kun." Thanked Unohana, rummaging through the bags like a kid at Christmas while completely ignoring Yasochika. "You shouldn't have spent so much on me."

"N-n-no, no! It's okay taicho." Blushed Hanatarou happily, bowing again to hide his face. "It really was no trouble for me. It is the least I can do for my… o-our captain."

"You are so kind Hanatarou-kun." Nodded Unohana, much to the chagrin of her other two subordinates. "You have fulfilled your mission well. You may have a small vacation now for your troubles."

"Hai! Thank you!" smiled Hanatarou joyfully.

"TAICHO!" whined Yasochika.

"Oh, would you also like a break too Yasochika-kun?" asked Unohana. "Hmm… Yes, you should take a good rest; too much work can be bad for you. You have been very stressed lately… in fact, you've been very stressed for many, many… many years."

"Taicho…" sighed the third seat, composing himself as best he could. "I appreciate your concern… but I do NOT believe Yamada-san is really worthy of so much praise!" he pointed his finger at the young shinigami accusingly.

"But he got me chocolates too." Said Unohana, waving the delicacies as evidence. "That should be worth at least a long weekend."

"Isane-fukutaicho." Sighed Yasochika, turning to his other superior for aid. "Can you explain the problem here?"

"Of course third-seat Yasochika." Nodded Isane with a frown. "Taicho, despite the good things he has brought; Hanatarou-kun's actions are, nevertheless, unacceptable…" and Hanatarou cringed, preparing for a barrage.

Yasochika smiled. At least he could trust Isane to be more realistic about the seriousness of the situation. 'Here it comes!'

"Hana-kun…" said Isane, looking at the boy sternly.

"Y-y-y-yes…? I-i-isane-san?" trembled Hanatarou. Yasochika smirked in slight sadistic delight…

"Wh… wh-where…?" and her voice suddenly went weaker and sadder "Where are the presents for… f-for me?" asked the heartbroken Isane. Her lip pouted and her eyes began to shimmer.

"Oh I-I-I'm so s-s-sorry Isane-san!" said Hanatarou, trying to calm her down. He hesitantly patted her back along with their taicho. "Next time I go to the real world I'll bring you gifts too! L-l-lots and lots of gifts Isane-san!" he sweated in panic. "P-p-please don't be so upset!"

'Sh-sh-she's crazy! Crazy! They're ALL crazy!' whined Yasochika, deflating. 'Yamada forsakes most of his mission to work as a cashier, and he's getting PRAISE for a bunch of stupid material goods? He cannot swing his zanpukuto for his life, and his offensive kido is laughable!' and he clenched his fist while his dark sunglasses shined evilly. 'You better enjoy your little 'holiday' well Yamada, because when you get back, you will be up to your eye-balls with work! You little boot licking, litt-'

"Umm… You're speaking out loud again Yasochika-san…" said Unohana.

"Gah! Sumimasen! Sumimasen!"

"Y-you know Yamada-san…" coughed Yasochika, later on in the week. "I really didn't mean anything when I said…"

"O-oh, it's okay Yasochika-san." Said Hanatarou, busy scrubbing the floors. "If I get most of the work done now while I'm on holiday, I won't have so much work built up from when I was on holiday, when I have to get back to work again. I see the wisdom in your decision third-seat Yasochika."

"Th… that's not quite what I meant…" said Yasochika, guilt-ridden, watching the seventh-seat-shinigami trolley the mountain of rubbish away. "Listen Hanatarou. Just go on your holiday, I'll spread the work around to the other squads."

"B-b-but I don't want to be a hassle to anyone!" said Hana (I'll say Hana from now on to save time and sanity) "It's okay! I don't mind working at all!"

"It's our captain's orders!" said Yasochika, prying the broom and iron from the shorter shinigami. "Now go and… and… and do whatever you do in your free time!"

"But I work in my free-time." Whined Hana, unable to keep a hold of his mop and bucket. "I want to do my share! I want to pull my weight!"

"Fine! Fine!" gave up Yasochika arms in the air, leaving the room. "Do as you please! It's your free time that you're wasting anyway!"

Hanatarou watched is superior leave then went back to mopping up the floor. But as the silence got to him, he leant on his mop and sighed.

"I'm not useless!" he tried to remind himself, closing his eyes tight in concentration. "I'm helpful, I clean, I heal and I do lot's of good in Seireitei… I'm not useless! I'm not useless! I'm not!" But though he tried to keep the mantra in his mind, he couldn't ignore the faint cry he heard in the room.

His sorrowful eyes crept open and looked over to his dusty zanpukuto lying on a chair, many times forgotten, neglected and hardly used. "A-a-am I… am I useless… as a Shinigami?"

'Heh-heh! Went shopping did you?' smirked an 11th squad thug. This caught the attention of other 11th squad bullies and they hounded at Hanatarou as he embarrassingly hurried to his Squad HQ with all the make-up, chocolates and other women's accessories for his captain.

'Haha! Just like those 4th squad weaklings!' laughed another. 'The men are women and the women are men'

'What? N-n-no! No! Th-these aren't for me!' said Hanatarou, frantically trying to run away from the bastards.

'Ooh! Presents for your girlfriend eh? What kind of stupid woman would have anything to do with a worm like you?'

'I d-d-don't have a g-… I mean, I'm not… j-just leave me alone!' whined Hanatarou.

'Useless, stuttering, piece of trash!' snapped a rather brutish shinigami, knocking over Hanatarou with a flick of his finger to his nose. 'Gwahaha! Just one small tap and you're down; just like an insect!'

Being the size of a bear and with fingers as thick as cans, it was actually no surprise that he was able to knock over the frail built shinigami. However, having the brain the size and consistency of a walnut, meant the brute had as much chance of being reasoned with as a can of beans.

Though they wouldn't dare kill him, he wouldn't put it past them to bash him up quite a bit. Because they knew he was 4th, they also knew he could heal himself back for more bashing later; another reason why they enjoyed bullying this division exclusively.

'Hey kid, just think this as a favor.' Said one thug. 'The quicker you get used to getting beaten up by us, the less you'll feel when you finally have to fight hollows like you're supposed to.' And he picked him up by his collar and prepared to use him as a volleyball.

'Eh?' said a powerful voice from behind, and then everyone stopped dead in their tracks. All the 11th division men had the great urge to wet themselves. 'What are you doing with that 4th division weakling?'

'T-t-t…' began one of the men, but that's all he could say for his fear.

'Z-z-zaraki…. K-k-kenp-p-pachi…' stuttered Hanatarou more completely. The man's distinct shadow darkened over them.

'You know I don't mind you picking fights with other divisions…' said Kenpachi, making his subordinates slightly more hopeful and Hanatarou slightly more hopeless. 'But…' he added, still with a frown. 'But ONLY when you run the risk of dying in battle against a worthy opponent… otherwise, such fights are just a waste of your time and energy and a direct disgrace… to ME!'

'SUMIMASEN!' quickly bowed the thugs on the floor, leaving Hanatarou leaning against the wall. But this doesn't save them from two-hundred hours of community service… playing dolls with second seat Yachiru… 'Nooo-o-oooo…'

After the thugs are led away by the little pinked haired shinigami, Hanatarou, picked up his stuff and gave his thanks to Zaraki. 'Th-th-thankyou for your h-h-help c-captain Kenpachi.' He bowed low, still shivering from the deadly presence of the man.

Kenpachi took a side glance at the kid, bels tinkling, and snorted. 'Don't get me wrong, I only did this to save the dignity of my men.' He said coldly, making Hanatarou stutter silently. 'The fact is still that you really are a defenseless, pitiful, weakling not worthy of being within these walls…' and he turned his back on Hanatarou and began to walk away. 'Shinigami like you, who cannot fight… make me sick...'

Hanatarou swung his zanpukuto, Hisagomaru, again, still not very intimidating but it was getting better and more controlled. 'I will not be useless… I'll show them that I can defend myself. I can be stronger, like Ichigo and Rukia-san!' he practiced some small leaps with great success, increasing his adrenaline and heightening his spirits. 'I'm not pathetic! I will be worthy of my title, my place and my sword!' and with what reitsu his little body could muster, he did a terrific slash that made the curtains sway. 'I am a shinigami!'

It was then that Hanatarou regretted practicing his moves while indoors…

With his last swing, a large bag of trash by the window, fell out. Hanatarou yelped and dropped his sword in shock and hoped that nobody would be around to see the mess he caused…

He heard a small, but angry, shout from below…

Obviously the fates of untimely death and shocking coincidence were having a good time with the dice that day, for the person who was down below was none other than the first squad captain, Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryūsai, head captain of the Gotei 13… who was now on his face with garbage on his head…

"To make matters worse, Hanatarou-kun lost consciousness as he gazed out of the window and fell three stories onto the captain's back. It broke his fall, as well as two glass bottles of sake under the captain's stomach…" said Isane grimly, reading the report issued from Yamamoto after his wounds were healed. "Hanatarou-kun's trial is within the hour."

Unohana and Isane looked to the pale faced Hana-kun with deep concern. There he was, quivering in his chair and only responding with sharp, squealing noises as he inhaled. The whole of Seireitei was in commotion over the event, some pitying the poor 7th seat, while others felt the need to strongly punish his stupidity which almost ended with the very undignified death of their leader.

Even outside Seireitei, in Rukongai's many districts, word had passed around of a near fatal attack on one of the higher-ups. In fact, Kukaku Shiba, who delighted in trouble, was greatly interested in the rumor and decided to send Ganju off to investigate.

"Don't worry Hanatarou-kun." Said Unohana, patting his shoulder. "It was an accident, and I am very sure you meant no harm. I will do everything in my power to end this trouble."

"Eeee…" inhaled Hanatarou gratefully.

"Please try to calm down Yamada-kun." Sighed Isane, handing him some tea. "It's important that you should be able to speak properly in front of the captain's committee. Have faith in Unohana Taicho, she will get you out of this safely."

"E-eee…" Nodded Hanatarou, tea dripping everywhere as he shook. "Eeee…"

"Your welcome."

Unohana, seeing little improvement in his condition after some medication, decided to try more… traditional means to calm him. Taking the cup away, she gave him a great big hug that even Matsumoto would admire. Hanatarou had his mouth open as if to scream, but was otherwise completely gob-smacked, one of his pupils dilating larger than the other. The second and third seats looked on with jaws dropped.

"Th-thankyou U-unohana t-t-taicho…" said Hanatarou gingerly after he regained coherent thought. "B-but I th-think I'm a-alright n-n-now. Y-you can st-stop hugging me n-now… p-p-please…" he squeaked the last plea as the blood began to block his head.

"You're starting to speak in squeaks again, I think I'll hold on for a few minutes longer at least." Said Unohana, rocking gently as he struggled not to pass out from the sweet sensation of being embraced.

"Well at least he'll die happy…" commented Yasochika on the side. He is swiftly elbowed by Isane. "Well, he will!"

Hanatarou was practically already dead by the time he reached the captain's hall, as Unohana insisted on holding his hand during the entire trek to 'calm' his nerves. To be honest, he enjoyed her care, but waiting outside the hall, all the lieutenants were lined up and eyed the pair curiously. He felt he would die of embarrassment before captain Yamamoto even saw him again.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) he made it to court in front of the ten remaining captains (Aizen, Gin and Toesen having betrayed Sould Society). Yamamoto was fine, his tough body and rietsu coated skin helped to deny any injuries, but even so, he did not expect to put up his defenses on the short walk between the bottle shop and his favorite park, or against a bag of garbage and a falling Shinigami.

"4th squad, 7th seat Yamada Hanatarou." Began Yamamoto. "You are accused of gross negligence leading to injury, as well as direct offence to a captain. How do you plead?"

"Eeee…" squeaked Hanatarou. "I-I mean I'm s-sorry!"

"That…" sighed Yamamoto, opening his eyes slightly. "Was not the answer to my question…" the air pulsed as he released his reitsu.

Suddenly, Hanatarou buckled and fell to his face as the captain's energy began to choke him. Most of the captains there looked on in pity for Hanatarou, with the exceptions of the sadistic Myuri Kurotsuchi who smiled, and then Byukuya, Kenpachi and Soifon who didn't really care.

Unohana looked on and also did nothing… but had her hand ever ready on her zanpukuto.

This, Hanatarou thought, was not a good start at all!

"S… s-u… sumima… sen…" gasped Hanatarou, barely audible to those around him.

"Enough Yamamoto-sama!" said Jushiro Ukitake finally. "Is this a torture session? If so, why did you need to call all of us here?" and Yamamoto released his rietsu from poor Hanatarou.

"I agree. This is a trial, not an execution." Nodded Shunsui Kyoraku, tipping his hat. "There is no need for such a harsh punishment."

"Yes! I have important things to do." Grumbled Myuri. "If you ARE going to kill him, do it already! I want to get back to my work!"

"No one will be killing anyone here…" said Unohana, looking to Myuri with her still calm eyes. "Not unless you have an issue with me… Kurotsuchi taicho?"

Myuri glared back menacingly, but let his frustration out with a hiss and a spit. He knew better than to mess with another captain, and he knew too little about Unohana's fighting style than what he would have liked.

"Enough bickering! There is a reason why I have gathered you here." Said Yamamoto finally. "My intention was not to kill, but simply to teach him a lesson to snivel less and give proper answers when asked by a superior! His real trial begins in 17 days." And all the captains looked to him in confusion.

"17 days? What's so special in 17 days time?" wondered Hitsugaya out loud. "17 isn't even a significant number, why not 20 or 15 or even a fortnight?"

"17 days… is 3… plus 5… plus 9..." Answered Yamamoto, adding to the confusion.

However, Byukuya, thinking it over silently, figured it out quickly. "3, 5 and 9 were the squads previously of Aizen, Gin and Toesen." And they all looked to Hanatarou suspiciously.

Just then, Ukitake had a brain wave and Yamamoto smiled under his beard. "Y-you don't mean… the 12 Trials?" he gasped, and all the other captains began to fidget.

"That is right." Said Yamamoto.

"The 12 trials for a 7th seat? It's unheard of! He won't survive the first task!"

"No one has issued the 12 tasks in over 2 millennia!" said Soifon. "And no one has ever been able to complete it!"

"I just thought it would be good to revive the old traditions." Said Yamamoto, watching Hanatarou quiver. "2 millennia is too long a time, we may forget all about it in 200 years or so. Also, the one on trial does not need to be executed by the tasks, incapacitated is enough. Hanatarou must complete a competitive task against each of the Gotei 13, with the exception his own captain, in order to be proven innocent of his crimes. He will have a few days rest between each captain equal to the squad number of the next captain he is to face. As we are short 3 captains, the 2nd seats of those squads will fight together against Hanatarou in 17 days time. I have already devised an itinerary."

"And then…" said Hitsugaya grimly. "When he has failed just one of the tasks, he will loose his powers as a Shinigami…"

'I will no longer be…' thought Hanatarou, his heart quaking 'A Shinigami?' and without knowing it, a tear fell from his face.

"Yamamoto-taicho…" said Unohana, stepping out of line as to come between Hanatarou and the 1st captain. "I do not think this punishment is at all fitting to the crime. Is it really necessary for him to risk losing his power as a Shinigami; a punishment reserved for traitors? It was by accident that Hanatarou did you injury, and even that injury was not deep…"

"It was deep in my pride." Answered Yamamoto. "And it is not just this crime he is being punished for. I have looked through his file and have found him to be a most distressingly useless Shinigami, as well as rebellious and annoying. Is it not true that he has not killed a single hollow his entire 101 years? He knows little kido, cannot wield a zanpukuto and willingly aided Ichigo's party to invade the Tower of Purity against orders, no matter how good his intentions were found out to be. He is cowardly and has less pride in himself than a roll of used toilet paper! Such a person does not belong here with us, and this trial will make sure he never will again!"

"But Yamamoto taicho…"

"Enough! This captain's meeting is dismissed! You have 17 days Yamada Hanatarou! Prepare yourself!"

…