The Voldemort Diaries
Voldemort had no nose, no heart, and no life. Where could he find one? He logged onto
Name: Tom 'Voldemort' Riddle Age: 71 and lookin good! Location: Evil Lair
About me: I'm a strait-laced, rebellious kinda guy who likes a little action. I'm kinda obsessed with my nemesis, Harry Potter, a little twerp who always tries to kill me. No idea why. If I got to take you out, we'd go on a romantic killing rampage. See ya there, ladies!
And there were no responses so he Avada Kedavara'd his cat. But one day, he got an e-mail!
To:
From:
Hey tom, I read ur profile, and was hoping we could hook up!
Rosalie xoxoxoxo
p.s. ur hot!
Voldemort was happy when he flew over to her house on his broomstick.
"Hey babe! Check out my zero-wheeler!" he boasted.
"Whoah!" she exclaimed. "So where are we going?"
"I'm getting take out from Starbucks – but first we have to go to Hogwarts – I have to look after something first."
And so they flew to Hogwarts to kill Harry Potter. The duo disguised – Rosalie as a Ravenclaw student and Voldy as a tree.
"Remember…. Stay in character!" Voldemort hissed.
Rosalie strolled up to the Gryffindor common room, made the fat lady cry, and got in. She immediately screamed that she needed help, and Harry ran over to her. Quickly, Voldemort jumped out and stuplified Harry and transported him somewhere. Harry didn't know it was Voldemort, though.
"What the hell was that? F**k, my scar hurts!"
"Hello, HP," said Voldemort, now in his original, ugly, form.
"Arrgghh!" screamed Harry.
Voldemort took the socrerer's stone from Harry's Pocket and made it into a necklace for Rosalie, in hope he would get a little present in return, if you know what I mean…
"Let me go!" shouted Harry, usefully.
"Yeah right!" gigged Voldemort.
"Like we would ever, like, let you go!" added Rosalie.
They left him in a corner while they ate dinner.
"Well, well, well, we meet again." Said Voldemort, slyly, slurping the remains of his cappuccino.
"By the way, Rosi my love, here's a necklace specially for you," he said, handing her the necklace.
She put it on and suddenly stopped ageing.
"Ooh! I love it! Kay Jewellers?"
"Only the best for my little pumpkin!"
"Eww!" shrieked Harry, screwing up his face. "You're the one who needs that necklace! You're like 100 and frankly look like it! In fact, how are you still alive? And how can you get such a hot date?"
"Oh you did not just go there!" Voldemort lifted his wand.
"AVARDA KEBABRA!" In his fit of rage he said the wrong spell!
A batch of Shesh Kebabs appeared.
"Ewe ewe w! Carbs!" exclaimed Rosalie.
"What? You don't like Shesh Kebabs? We're soover!" screamed Voldemort.
Rosalie tore of the necklace and stormed out the mansion. Voldemort looked at Harry. The 7th Horcrux, his last chance to be emperor of the wizarding world.
"Shesh Kebab?" he offered.
"Yeah!" shouted Harry.