If They Were All Sea Creatures

A/N: This is inspired by a fanfic I read a long time ago, where Mulder was a seagull. I decided I wanted to write a similar story, so here it is. I've worked on this story for about a yearI wanted to get it just right! Please read and tell me what you think! THanks!

Fraggy

Once upon a time in Washington D.C., there lived two lobsters, Mulder and Scully. Usually lobsters lived in the water, but Mulder and Scully were special lobsters that didn't need water all the time. Mulder and Scully worked for the FBI.

One day, Agent Mulder meandered into the lower basement office and declared, "Scully! I just got a report about a mermaid down in Virgina Beach."

"Oh, Mulder," Scully replied, munching on a low-calorie shrimp salad, her favorite, "There are no such things as mermaids, not even in Fiji."

"Wait until you see my slideshow!" he announcd proudly. He made his way over to the projector, but he had some trouble loading the pictures into the machine, what with his giant pinchers and all. "Some guy faxed me some great shots."

"I bet they're all hoaxes," Scully said haughtily, opening up her seaweed-flavored yogurt.

"They are not," replied Mulder, and he clicked on the slide projector. A giant image of a mermaid shone brightly on the wall. Mulder went to pull down the screen. "See?" he said triumphantly. "A mermaid! A real mermaid! We have to go see her, Scully!"

"Fine, Mulder," Scully returned, shaking her head. "But first, we have a meeting with Assisstant Director Skinner."

"Oh, joy!" Mulder said with much sarcasm. "A meeting with the big bald barnacle himself."

Mulder and Scully scuttled out of their office to the elevator to go to A.D. Skinner's office. A.D. Skinner had a very nice office, and when Mulder and Scully went inside, Agents Doggett and Reyes were already there.

"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully," Skinner said, nodding towards the two agents. "I just want to go over a few details about a case you and Agents Doggett and Reyes were on a few weeks back."

"The case of the giant squid?" Scully groaned, rolling her eyes just remembering the case. Mulder had dragged them all to Miami to see a giant squid, but it turned out to be a kid's prank.

"Just to clarify," Skinner began, "there was no giant squid?"

"There was no giant squid," Agent Doggett grumbled. Agent Doggett was a sperm whale. He made googly eyes at Skinner and Mulder swore that Skinner was turning a little pink. Agent Mulder, though, was pretty unhappy because Doggett never really liked anything to do with the X-Files, so he didn't even know why he took him to see the giant squid in the first place.

Meanwhile at the location of the alleged giant squid, Agent Reyes had sponged around and done whatever sponges do. Mulder never really liked her, so he wasn't sure why he'd invited her, either, but at least she liked X-Files. She seemed kind of stupid, though, and she liked to sing songs. Doggett always told her to stay clear of whale songs because he didn't want his native language butchered, and Scully made her promise never to sing "Beyond the Sea" ever again.

"Well, you spent 5,000 sand-dollars on your little trip," Skinner said angrily. "You can't go spending Bureau money all over the place like that!"

"I guess this wouldn't be a good time to ask to go on another investigation, then, sir?" asked Mulder.

Mulder wasn't sure if barnacles could explode, but he was pretty sure A.D. Skinner was close to it.

"Fine!" A.D. Skinner said. "But you'd better find whatever it is you're looking for, you hear me?"

"Can we go now?" Agent Reyes said, spitting bubbles as she talked.

"Yes," replied Skinner. "But, uh, Agent Doggett?"

"Sir?" Usually Doggett was pretty manly, but right now he seemed nervous and he fidgeted with his fins.

"I need to see you. Privately."

Agent Doggett nodded and shut the door as the other agents filed out.

"You ready to go check out that mermaid, Scully?" Mulder asked.

"Mermaid!" Reyes gurgled. "Can I come?"

"Actually, it's gonna be just the two of us today, Monica," Scully said cautiously, not wanting to hurt the sponge's feelings. For some reason Mulder never understood, Scully actually liked Reyes.

"Okay, have fun!" said Reyes, and she waddled out of the office.

"Well, let's go, Mulder. I'm excited to see this so-called mermaid that's probably just the result of a decapitated fish corpse somehow merging with the body of jellyfish creating the illusion of hands and hair, and therefore appearing as though it were a mermaid."

"Why can't you just let go of your scientific rigorousness for a moment and dare to believe the phenomenal?"

"There's always an answer rooted firmly in science!" Scully said.

"Sure, fine, whatever," Mulder replied, and they left the Hoover Building and got into Mulder's car.

After two and a half hours of driving, Scully told Mulder, "I'm hungry."

"You had lunch right before we left!"

"I know, but I want some yogurt or something."

"That's all you ever eat, that and your little salads. Whatever happened to the days when you'd eat barbequed eel?"

Scully shuddered at the thought of the food she ate once at a restaurant with Mulder. "Too much meat like that isn't good for you," she explained. "I've been on a diet for awhile, that's all. But I would like to get something for the road. And," she continued, her antenna arching, "I need to use the restroom."

"Okay, fine," Mulder responded, not wanting the conversation to go into feminine territory. He turned off at an exit that had a nice gas station and Scully got out. Ten minutes later, she came back to the car, carrying a bag full of food.

"I bought you some seaweed seeds!" she proclaimed happily, fishing the treats out of the bag. "Okay, let's go see that mermaid."

About another hour later, Mulder and Scully pulled up to the beach and parked the car. They wandered along the beach for a little bit, but there was no mermaid. Instead, there were a bunch of people hanging out and they had balloons and presents.

"Happy birthday, Mulder!" they all shouted excited, waving claws and fins and other marine appendages.

"A surprise party? For me?" he asked Scully.

"Happy birthday, Mulder! I'm sorry there was no mermaid, but we had to figure out someway to get you here!"

A lot of people Mulder knew were at his party, including Skinner and Doggett and Reyes, who had magically gotten here faster than he and Scully had. All in all, it was a very nice surprise party and he got some great presents.

"Thank you for doing this for me, Scully," Mulder said later, after the party, as he and Scully traipsed across the beach.

"You're welcome," she told him. "Oh, and by the way, Mulder, I am pregnant with your lobster babies."

"Scully! This it the best birthday ever! I love you!"

"Oh, brother."

Mulder and Scully clasped pinchers and lived happily ever after the end.