Kind of in a mellow mood right now, and since this idea has been in my head I figured I'd make good use for it.
Warning: May cause heavy feels. Spoilers included.
Disclaimer: All rights belong to Atlus©.
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For the last decade, I only had one goal in mind.
Not a whole 'life-commitment' type of goal- like what kind of job I wanted or finding the perfect girl, or becoming famous. My goal was more on the cryptic side, and I never shared it with anyone. They wouldn't understand.
I believe it would make more sense to start at the beginning, when I was seven.
My parents and I were driving to Iwatodai. My father was going to work for a major corporation, while my mother was going to work as a teacher for the new elementary school I would be transferred into. The drive was a long one- we had left sometime in the afternoon from our old hometown, and the traffic was horrible. We didn't arrive in the city until around midnight.
We were on the Moonlight Bridge when it happened.
All the lights went out across the city; the sky turned an eerie-green color, and the moon seemed larger than usual. As a child, I was both horrified and awestruck, asking my parents what was causing this phenomenon. They claimed it must have been a black-out… but that didn't explain why every car on the street stopped running.
We stepped out to see if anyone was around to help.
My mother screamed. In every vehicle was a coffin, glowing red. My father was in a panic as well, demanding (from no one) what the hell was going on. I only looked around, trembling as I clung to my mother's hand.
There came growling just then. Not like the kind from an animal- these growls had a gurgling tone to them. I looked behind my parents, who were standing by the vehicle, exchanging worried questions, oblivious to the danger lurking in the shadows…
I cried out, trying to warn them… but it was too late. Quick as a flash, the monsters were upon them. My mother was caught by the heels and dragged off, while my father was overpowered by three of them.
I ran, crying out for help…
Stopping when I saw a massive creature standing in the middle of the street… but it wasn't looking at me. It was looking at something else.
Everything happened so fast; the figure in front of me was a blur, having the monster by the throat and coming at me…
All went black.
I woke up in a hospital days later. The doctors claimed I was in a horrible car-accident, and my parents died in the collision. I told them about what I had seen- they only told me it was a coma-dream, caused by the shock of the impact.
I didn't believe them. I knew what I had seen was real. A nightmare that had come to life, somehow.
I was sent back to my old hometown, living with a guardian sent by social services. We weren't close- he was only in it for the insurance check, and I just wanted to move on.
But I couldn't. Not only did I lose both my parents, but it happened in the most traumatic way possible- in a way that no one would believe me when I told them.
Something inside me changed too. I was once a happy child- laughing, playing, and goofing around like all others. I think I had a dream to become a teacher like my mom. But after the incident on the bridge… I had no reason to dream. No reason to laugh and play. No reason to live.
These feelings grew as time went on. I stopped hanging out with other kids. I didn't sign up for any sports or club activities in Middle School. My guardian began to see me as a ghost, not taking any part in my life. Everyone saw me as an emo-freak and avoided me, or lied heavy sympathy on me as if trying to 'counsel' me.
By age 16, I had established a goal.
That goal was for me to die.
I received a letter, requesting I transfer to Gekkoukan High- in Iwatodai City, the same place my parents had died. The Chairman, who had sent the letter, claimed I showed great 'potential' for the school's academia, and I was welcome to live in the dorm. This was when I took the opportunity to set my goal in motion.
My guardian claimed he was okay with me transferring to another school in another city. I think he ended up moving to Tokyo the day I left. I never heard from him again.
My plan was simple. Start at a new school where no one knew me. Live in a dorm, where I'd have a room to myself. Then kill myself before the semester was out. I would avoid interacting with everyone, so no one would miss me.
I figured I was going to die the night I arrived in the city. It was just like the night I lost my parents.
I walked off the monorail. It was midnight, as there had been a delay. All the power went out, and even my music-player shut off. I walked the streets, seeing coffins all around. I kept calm, though my eyes looked around in tension, as I expected a monster to come at me at any moment.
No such luck. I made it to the dorm in one piece.
That was when I found the first sign that my plans would go astray.
The first person I saw was Pharos… or former-person, as I later found him to be a ghost. He had me sign a contract, having me promise to take responsibility for my actions. I did not realize what that meant until months later.
He disappeared, and I met Mitsuru Kirijo and Yukari Takeba. (The first sign that Pharos was a ghost was that neither of them saw him at the desk). Yukari showed me to my room, asking me if anything had happened on the day to the dorm. …Not wanting her to believe me as insane, I denied everything.
Mitsuru was a student-council president. Since she seemed so occupied with responsibilities, I figured it would be easy to avoid interaction with her. Yukari, though the most popular girl in school, was also easy to ignore- she was friendly, of course, and would talk to me though I made sure to keep the conversation to a minimum; she had her own clique to hang out with, too.
Akihiko Sanata was another resident, who I didn't meet until later. Since he was always training after-school, I barely saw him around. Still, I made sure to avoid mingling with him- maybe a 'hi' in the dorm, but outside of that I didn't exchange many words.
Junpei Iori was more of a challenge. The first day of school, he came right up to my desk, introducing himself and acting like we were already friends (from Yukari's comments, I was going to guess he didn't have many people to hang out with). Next thing I know, he's asking me for answers in class, relying on me for the right answer.
I hoped to ignore him too, like maybe he would get the message that I didn't want to be friends… or have any friends. Growing attached to anyone would only obscure my goal more. But, he was insistent, and I found myself walking home with him a couple times- cracking jokes, laughing a little... but still trying to keep distant. He never really got the message.
One night, I found myself dreaming of the Velvet Room, meeting Igor and Elizabeth for the first time... that's the next sign I felt my plans would change. However, when I woke up, I dismissed it all as a dream, believing nothing could obscure me from my decision.
Then it happened, the first Full Moon night at the dorm for me.
Yukari came pounding on my door, telling me we had to run upstairs. We made it to the roof…
And I felt I was reliving a nightmare. Two monsters- or 'Shadows' as everyone called them- came climbing onto the roof and cornering us. Yukari then took out a gun, aiming it at her head. To anyone else it looked as if she was going to commit suicide… though that wasn't the case. The gun was knocked out of her hand, landing in front of me.
That's when something inside me clicked, as if a voice was instructing me. I pointed the gun at my head…
"Per-so-na."
The word was like a code. No, an incantation.
I pulled the trigger… but instead of blowing my brains out, I summoned Orpheus—my first Persona. He fought the Shadows, preventing a tragic incident from repeating itself.
I blacked out… and that's when I met Igor and Elizabeth once more, thus guaranteeing that all my plans had changed completely. Mostly about my lack of socializing- as Igor claimed it would be beneficial in my new goal as a Persona user.
One thing after another happened after that. Junpei moved into the Dorm as a new member of SEES, and he, Yukari and I were sent into Tartarus for the first time in order to explore and try to unlock secrets about the Dark Hour.
It was one thing seeing Shadows out on the streets… but watching our school transform into a massive, mixed-up caricature of a building was another. Despite it, I remained calm (I think Junpei already gave a shocked reaction for me). Going inside, running from one floor to the next finding bizarre items while fighting different types of Shadows really made me forget this was the school I had transferred to.
Afterwards I never looked at Gekkoukan High as a normal school again.
But it wasn't just because of Tartarus.
Having taken Igor's advice, I began to form 'social-links' and form bonds with other students… and we did more than just hang out. Each person I met had their own story, and the more I got involved, the stronger I felt the bond grow, feeling like a fool for trying to avoid interaction with anyone.
During the night, I would help the others in their investigation. In time, we gained a new member- Fuuka Yamagishi. Not much of a fighter but having a great gift in sensing Shadows and other Persona users, she became a great use to the team- as well as another good friend. She was a shy one, but in time came out of her shell.
Yukari had lacked confidence in the beginning as well, though as we fought I forgot about how nervous she had been on the rooftop. She kept at it… all for the sake of her late-father, wanting to find out how the Dark Hour happened so she could find a way to avenge him.
Junpei was the opposite- feeling as if fighting was the only thing he was good for, like it was his only purpose. I could tell this from when we had a fall-out after a couple missions. He grew jealous that I was dubbed the leader, and was getting better at fighting faster than he was… I wanted to tell him that it wasn't all me- on my own, I couldn't beat the massive Shadows we've faced. In time, he managed to let it go, which I found to be a relief.
Then came Aigis… and I couldn't help but feel familiarity with her. She was a robot, her only purpose to defeat Shadows- yet felt she had to watch over me. I didn't understand why, but for some reason I felt an equal connection to her.
Afterwards came Koromaru… a Sheba Inu who knew how to use a Persona. At first, I was surprised- a DOG knew how to use a Persona? That was incredible! Having him around was not only great use in battle… but also great company. I enjoyed taking him on walks, and would slip him table-scraps. He was also intelligent- sometimes I would forget he was a dog, finding myself talking to him (Aigis would translate his responses for me, as she could understand the canine-language).
Ken Amada came along during the summer, staying at the Dorm. He actually lived out of town, but his guardian claimed it was alright for them to stay during the summer- though he ended up staying with us the rest of the year. At first glance, I figured he was just a normal Elementary student- though something in his eyes gave me the feeling there was a different reason for him being here. His reasons became clear: he was out for revenge. His mother had been killed by another Persona user- by accident- and he hadn't let it go.
That Persona user was Shinjiro Aragaki. He had been a SEES member in the beginning, alongside Akihiko and Mitsuru… but after he lost control of his Persona, resulting in the death of Ken's mother, he had quit, only returning after Ken joined. He was the baddest of the badasses- carrying a heavy axe, not giving a shit about anything, and having a look on his face that convinced you that messing with him would be a fatal mistake. He was an excellent cook, too- while he lived with us, everyone didn't have to eat just microwave-ramen every night.
He was also the first member we lost to Strega. More specifically, the leader of the group, Takaya.
When Fuuka brought up sensing more Persona users, I was imagining people who- like my parents and I- were wandering the streets, trying to escape Shadows and freaking out. But to our shock, they knew how to use Personas- but used their powers for an evil purpose.
In the end, I had some sympathy for them- unlike us, their Personas did not awaken naturally; they were taken off the streets as kids and put through experimentation. Takaya and Jin both had a grudge against humanity for that…
Chidori, another Strega member, was more complex. We never learned why she was part of Strega- she wasn't close to Takaya and Jin, just following orders. However, unlike her so-called comrades, she was willing to change her outlook on life…
…all because of Junpei. The big goofball managed to win her over, making her feel comfortable, helping her to look at life differently- and just being a good friend. During that time, I noticed Junpei barely looked at other girls, developing deep feelings for Chidori.
I could sense a similarity to Chidori and I, though I did not visit her- I only heard about her when Junpei would tell me about their visits. She wasn't afraid of death the same way I wasn't.
I guess that's why she told Junpei to stop visiting her… She was growing attached, and when you know you're going to die, you don't want to leave behind a broken-heart. The same way I didn't want to get attached to anyone… Regardless, I told Junpei to keep seeing her. The main thing we had in common was he helped us to enjoy life.
Everyone in the group made me enjoy life. I developed a close bond with everyone. Akihiko and I trained together; Ken and I would go to movies or walk Koromaru together; Mitsuru invited me to join the Student Council, where I would help her out; Fuuka I helped out in the cooking-area, being honest and helping her improve on both cooking and confidence; Junpei and I were pretty much the best of friends, having each other's backs and joking around; Aigis I always felt connected to, feeling like she was my new guardian as she always watched out for me; and Yukari… well, eventually I grew to love her more than a friend, even hoping we could start a relationship.
That was just during the 'normal' hours of the day; at night, while we hunted Shadows, our bond was tighter. As leader, everyone trusted me to help them get through battle, and I trusted them to help me stay strong.
…that trust faltered the night the Chairman, Shuji Ikutsuki, betrayed us. He was the one who started the SEES group, claiming that by defeating the 12 Main Shadows, we could eradicate the Dark Hour and save the world. But in truth… it was just a ritual to bring about "The Fall".
I felt rage when we went to confront him at Tartarus, after finding the Dark Hour still took place despite all our hard work.
For one thing, he hurt Mitsuru and Yukari, both who had a more personal goal in defeating the Shadows. Mitsuru's grandfather had created it, and she took it upon herself to destroy it and undo the mistake her grandfather had made… Yukari's father was a scientist, who was trying to stop the experiment…
Ikutsuki had manipulated them both, lying to them in order to fulfill the same insane idea to launch the world into an apocalypse.
Worst yet, he tried to turn Aigis against us, trying to control her- forcing her to subdue us all and hang us on crosses as a 'sacrifice' to The Appraiser.
…thank God Aigis managed to break out of his control. I didn't know why at the time, but the moment she locked eyes with me, it was like she realized this wasn't her purpose. Ikutsuki tried to force her to go through with the job via remote- only to have it taken from him by Koromaru (another reason I loved that dog- he always looked out for all of us).
The worst came when Mitsuru's father, the head of the Kirijo Group, came and tried to subdue Ikutsuki for trying to fulfill a plan of madness… only to end up shot. If the bastard hadn't thrown himself off the roof, I would have killed him myself for putting Mitsuru through more pain than she needed.
His betrayal left an impact on the group. Everyone had already lost so much. Akihiko lost a little sister and Shinji; Mitsuru lost her goal and now her father; Yukari lost her father and had a strained relationship with her mother; Koromaru had lost his old master; Ken lost a mother… Everyone had a reason to fight, but that reason turned into a joke.
Despite this, we vowed to keep fighting, and find a way to stop the Dark Hour. My plan from the start had been forgotten completely- now I had one goal: see to it I wouldn't lose another friend. I had already lost Shinjiro- I didn't want to lose anyone else.
Pharos disappeared from me as well. The ghost boy used to visit me every month, one week before a Full Moon. After the defeat of the 12th Shadow, he claimed it was time to say goodbye…
I didn't realize I would see him again in a different form, by a different name: Ryoji Mochizuki.
I had overheard a conversation about a new transfer-student at Gekkoukan High. The moment he showed up in our class, I sensed something familiar about him. Aigis, on the other hand, only sensed danger- which none of us understood. To us, Ryoji only seemed like a regular teenager.
He became close friends with Junpei too- both of them had a common ground in being perverts (…though I think Ryoji beat him in that area…). I think he had more of a 'playboy' nature- flirting with various girls, asking out Mitsuru- and seconds later Yukari after he was turned down.
I didn't exactly know how to feel about him… I felt a bit of loathing the way he kept flirting with the girls like some sort of heart-breaker (especially Yukari- though that was more out of jealousy)- the loathing increased during our trip to Kyoto, and he seemed to have set up some sort of plan to peek at girls at the hot spring- whether Junpei was in on it or not, I had no idea. He seemed to go along with the joke when Ryoji brought it up in conversation- though freaked out when the girls came out.
Once again, I was dubbed leader to get us out of THAT situation- and leading my friends to fight Shadows was WAY EASIER than trying to find a hiding place and escape Mitsuru's wrath!
Aigis continued to be suspicious of Ryoji. Sometimes she would go out late at night when we weren't training in Tartarus.
As time went on, I began to have my own suspicions about him- not because I believed him to be danger to our lives (…unless he dragged us to another hot-spring…) but because I was trying to figure out this 'connection' I felt with him.
Our suspicions were put on-hold one night when we had to face Strega once more… this time, we had to fight Chidori, who had been broken-out of the hospital by Takaya and Jin. Junpei had raced off ahead of us, wanting to try and talk sense into her.
We found them by Tartarus, and that's when the fight began. During the battle, I kept looking over at Junpei, who kept pleading with Chidori to cease her attacks, if not looking at me, mentally begging me to not hurt her. …Every time I struck her, I kept sending a mental apology to my friend.
Once the fight was out of her, Junpei managed to get through to her, and I felt some relief, hoping that maybe Chidori would be on our side, and my best friend wouldn't have to worry about her anymore…
Then came the sound of a gunshot. Blood seeped out of Junpei's chest.
Takaya stepped out of the shadows, a gun in-hand.
The bastard shot my best friend…
No level in Hell could measure the rage I felt against him. As if it wasn't enough he took Shinji from us…
Something happened before I had the chance to attack him. I saw Chidori holding Junpei close, a light emitting from her…
Within seconds, his wound was gone, and he breathed a breath of life once more. Chidori had revived him!
But at the cost of her own life…
We all watched as Junpei held her limp body in his arms, as Chidori bid him farewell, a smile on her face- never having seen her smile before, it was astounding… at the same time, Junpei cried, something else I had never seen before, or even thought I'd ever see.
Then came his rage. I had seen him mad, pissed, and irritated before… but this was a rage that could rival Shinjiro's! In one quick motion, he summoned a new Persona and sent Jin flying back, the members of Strega ceasing their battle until the next time.
It took time for Junpei to overcome his grief. It wasn't until he saw Chidori's sketchbook, filled with drawings of him, that he had a new purpose to fight.
With all these tragedies in my memory, my purpose grew as well. I wasn't just going to fight for my friends, I was going to live for them- to lead them through every battle, support them through every fight, and take out every asshole who ever fucking DARED to hurt them!
I began to focus on trying to figure out a way to destroy the Dark Hour.
The answer came when I found out why I felt connected to Ryoji, the same night Aigis figured out why he was dangerous.
Memories flooded back to me of the tragedy of my own past. Ryoji had been the deformed-Shadow I had seen on the bridge. Aigis was the one who was fighting him…
…and she sealed him within me, unable to defeat him.
Thus is how Pharos came- he was the part of Ryoji… or the Appraiser… that had been inside me all these years. After the 12 Shadows were defeated, he had split from me, becoming Ryoji.
He knew none of this at first, always having believed he was a normal teenager, until Aigis reminded him of that night.
I was worried at first, believing he would turn against us the way the Chairman had done… but instead, felt heavy guilt. Because of he had become human, he had formed an attachment to this life- to all of us. He didn't want us to die at the hands of Nyx- the so-called 'god' that would bring about The Fall. Yet he believed Nyx couldn't be stopped…
He gave us two options: either spare him and live in fear, knowing the world was going to end… or kill him, stalling Nyx's arrival and erasing our memories, so we could live 'normal' lives in peace until The Fall. He gave us until New Years Eve to decide.
It was the longest month of our lives… but we all decided we wouldn't kill him.
None of us wanted to lose our memories of the Dark Hour and all that happened. There had been tragic times… but they had made us stronger, brought us closer.
During this time, I found it ironic- when I first came to Iwatodai, I planned on dying. Just leading a dull existence for a while before throwing myself off the bridge. But after all that happened… I wanted to keep on living, and cherish life.
When it came to make the decision, I met Ryoji in my room. As leader, it was up to me to decide his fate.
I spared him.
Not just for the sake of memories, but also because I still saw a bit of Pharos inside him. He had become a good friend in more ways than one- sure, he was a pain in the neck… but he also gave a few laughs, was fun to hang out with. Hell, he even helped Junpei overcome his depression when Chidori died! Even Aigis, who at first wanted him dead, agreed to let him live…
I never forgot the look on his face, the last night I saw him. He had a smile on his face, yet sadness in his eyes.
We all trained hard after that. We planned on defeating Nyx, and making sure The Fall wouldn't happen.
We still had Strega to deal with; Takaya ended up starting a cult to praise Nyx's arrival… the rotten bastard.
Deep in my heart, I wanted to live through this and see to it my friends survived… yet I also felt I was going to die.
The thought surfaced when we faced Nyx at the top of Tartarus. We had taken out Jin and Takaya… though Jin ended up committing suicide, while Takaya died slowly.
When Nyx surfaced… I felt sheer horror. Not only was the monster more massive than any Shadow we've ever faced- but it had also fused with Ryoji… it had his face, but with no eyes and an eerie grin.
We fought with all our might, going 13 rounds with this beast… but it proved to be in vain. Nyx was too strong. We all fell to the ground, unable to get up…
I blacked out, finding myself in the Velvet Room with Igor and Elizabeth once more. Thus when I learned why Igor was so insistent that I socialize.
I heard the voices of all my social-link friends calling out to me not to give up, to stay strong and pull through.
That is when I had unlocked a power to seal Nyx away.
The only downside… it would cost my own life.
…
…a life that hadn't been worth living until I met my friends.
Friends worth dying for.
I found myself floating up to the massive red-eye that hovered in the skies, hearing the others cry out for me to come back.
I found myself within Death itself- my strength felt weakened, and all I could to was hit Nyx with the only weapon I had on me. I didn't think I would be able to use the power I had unlocked…
Until voices echoed. I heard all of them- Yukari, Junpei, Aigis, Ken, Mitsuru, Akihiko, Fuuka, Koromaru… even the voice of Shinji echoed in my heart. Their faith in me was what awakened the power I had gained- the power of the Universe.
Nyx was no match for that.
Everyone was stunned at what happened next- I found myself looking at them in this galaxy-like realm. Ryoji's voice assured them everything would be alright.
Tartarus then began to shift back into the school. Everyone ran out, looking back, watching as I stepped out, giving them a smile.
…
Our memories didn't exactly vanish until a month later. During February, we pretty much celebrated, hanging out and resting good, no longer having to fight Shadows or worry about the Dark Hour. Everyone had asked me how I managed to defeat Nyx… I told them they gave me strength and power to do so.
The Velvet Room had disappeared, and I never saw Igor or Elizabeth again after that. I really missed them.
As the month went on, however, I felt a little of my energy grow slim. I found myself going to bed earlier, or falling asleep on the monorail- the others would either wake me up, or have one of the guys carry me back to the dorm.
We had all made a vow that after the Dark Hour was gone- if our memories ever came back after they vanished- to meet up on Graduation Day and celebrate.
…
…if I had any regrets, it's that I didn't have the strength to go on to celebrate with them.
Aigis remembered everything after everyone else had forgotten. I remembered as well- whether it was because I had sealed away Nyx or not, I did not know.
The last two days I spent hanging out with all my friends, cherishing every moment.
On Graduation Day, I went up to the roof with Aigis. She allowed me to lay on her lap, as she brought up how she never knew what her purpose truly was… until she decided it was to protect me. She thanked me for giving her a purpose to be alive.
I could relate…
In the start, I had no purpose for life… until I met my friends. My purpose was to fight for them.
And I fulfilled it to the very end.
I heard them coming to the rooftop, hearing Junpei call out. I smiled, closing my eyes, listening as they came running out.
Thanks to them… I died, feeling alive.
And until we met again, I would watch over them, making sure they lived to the fullest.
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~To my friends, who make this life worth living~