How We Met You, Baby
Copyright MajorSam, 2014
Disclaimer: None of dis be mine. Alas. Completely unbeta'd and written while very, very tired. Funny how the best ideas come then. On the off chance any of you are Sanctuary fans... I call this... my Nubbins fic ;)
Set 15 years in the future, and in the spring of 2014.
"Oh man if you think that's funny you should hear how you ended up here!" cackled Esposito.
Castle choked on his drink. Alexis gasped. Martha "oohed". Lanie slapped Espo's arm. Jenny giggled while Ryan tried to keep a straight face. And Beckett… Beckett delivered a glare that could take down a nation. This spontaneous summer gathering was not supposed to have gone down that path.
"I sense something salaaaacious," Jaime crowed.
"Good word," Castle complimented under his breath. 14 years old and she'd been whipping him at scrabble for years.
"I really don't think you want to hear that story," Kate declared shortly.
"Oh come on, Beckett!" Esposito protested. "It's not that bad! Well actually… but who cares, it's hilarious."
"Javi…"
"She's heard stories that are way worse!"
"Not involving her parents!"
"I wanna know!" piped up Benjamin.
"And it's nowhere near appropriate for an 11 year old!"
"It is, it's fine, I promise," the boy swore with those big, round, blue eyes. Kate leveled her glare on him but he just grinned wider. At least Elizabeth was at a friend's house. No way would Kate allow her baby girl to hear this.
"It involves dead people," Beckett warned. Her son nodded enthusiastically. "And naked people." He made a face but breathed deep and nodded. The former-Detective-now-Captain had tried to keep her offspring innocent for as long as possible but Castle children had a way of finding things out. And, thankfully, handling it all astonishingly well.
Beckett looked around at all the smirking and expectant faces. She'd known they would never live this down. With a sigh edging towards defeat she looked back to her daughter.
"You seriously want to know the circumstances of your conception?"
"While I would normally avoid all conversation about your guys' sex life… I've always known I was an accident… thanks in no small part to you, dad." She glared at her father, who smirked and shrugged. "I just didn't know there was a story to it. And judging by the reaction of the crowd… I'm in."
"I guess this had to come out at some point," Beckett groused. This was not how she'd expected the impromptu Sunday family day to go. She sighed and looked into the big, round eyes of her son. Crap... she could never resist Castle blues.
"Should I get popcorn?" he asked. Her team laughed and Castle proudly ruffled his son's hair.
"Might as well," Kate conceded. He cheered and bounded towards the kitchen while her friends and family found seating around the loft's spacious living room. She settled down into a plush single armchair and felt their eyes focus in on her.
Wait, Castle was the storyteller… why was she doing this?
"Castle," she commanded.
"You really want this story told from my point of view?" he asked in a shocked voice as he waggled his eyebrows.
"Oh lord," she groaned. "Fine. We'll do it together. In a nice, censored way."
"Excellent," he clapped his hands together. "Once upon a time…"
"Seriously?"
15 years earlier, April 2014
"Oh have we got a case for you," Espo crooned. "Just called in."
"Seriously guys," Ryan grinned and nodded.
"Okay?" Beckett questioned as she and Castle walked towards her desk.
"Two victims," Espo began.
"In the middle of Central Park," Ryan added.
"Totally naked."
"In the middle of… The Act."
Castle ooohed while Beckett frowned. "Two people were killed while in the midst of having sex?"
"But here's the thing…" Kevin grinned.
"There are absolutely no signs of gun shots, knife wounds, needle marks, strangulation, or any other type of physical mark to suggest how they died."
Her frown deepened. "What does that even mean?"
"It means," Castle piped up with an excited squeak to his voice. "That they were either poisoned or literally sexed each other to death!"
She leveled her fiancé with a look. "Really, Castle? Sexed?"
"Well we're at the precinct, I didn't want to say fu…"
"Alright then," Beckett interrupted loudly. "To the park we go?"
"Been waitin for you two to arrive," Lanie chuckled as Castle and Beckett approached. Esposito had wanted to join but Captain Gates had ordered him to catch up on some paperwork. In a show of support Ryan had stayed behind to help.
"Good morning to you to," Beckett replied as she crouched down beside her friend to examine the bodies.
Very dead. Very naked. Very much still joined in the holy act of love.
"At least they died happy," Castle sagely offered.
Lanie's eye roll was almost as impressive as Beckett's.
"Two victims," Lanie pointed out "One male, one female, both Caucasian and in their early or mid 30's. So far I can't find anything to indicate cause of death," the ME began. "The scratches and bruising all appear to have been caused during their activities. We'll check DNA under their fingernails to make sure, of course. All indicators point to time of death being between 7 and 8am this morning."
"That's just a little while ago," Beckett commented as she stood up and walked around the bodies, trying to see something new.
"Yup," Lanie confirmed.
"So they just… decided to have sex in broad daylight in the middle of a public park?"
"Hey," Castle defended, "When the mood strikes…"
She shot him a look but he just waggled his brows even further. He was going to be intolerable this case, she could feel it.
"Hastings," Beckett called noticing the young cop on site. "Any wallets, i.d's, anything like that?"
"No ma'am," she shook her head as she looked at her notepad. "Nothing at all. No purses, wallets, keys, not even a trace of clothing."
"Okay. Keep looking. I'll send down a few more unis to canvass the area and hopefully find us some witnesses."
"Um, Detective?" another cop interjected.
"Yes, Morabito?"
"I found a witness."
The cop gestured that the man beside him could step forward. Well, not so much a man as a boy.
"Oh shit man, it was unreal!" he began before she could even ask him name. His sandy blonde hair swung into his eyes as he ran his hands through his hair. "They were going at it like crazy!"
Beckett held her hand up to stop Castle before he could even begin. He smashed his lips together and rocked back on his heels.
"They just ran out of the trees laughing and dancing and then they guy grabbed her arm and they stopped and then suddenly just dropped to the ground and started going for it." The boy's gestures were wholly unnecessary.
"And then…?" Beckett tried to lead him forward in his happy recall.
"And then they just… stopped," he breathed in wonder. "They slowed down and I thought they were just getting into some real lovin but… they didn't. They just stopped moving right like that, right how you see them."
"Did you see anyone else in the area?"
"Nope, just me."
"You're sure? Maybe you just didn't see someone quickly approach them and,"
"Look lady, uh… Ma'am… It was just me, I swear it. There wasn't nobody who shot them, stabbed them, nothing. They just straight up stopped."
"And what, exactly, were you doing in the park at the time?" She stepped forward crowding ever so slightly into his space. With her heeled boots she stood five inches higher than him. He looked up at her and gulped. "I was just on my way home from my buddies. We were gaming and lost track of time. When I saw them I just… I couldn't look away, y'know?"
She stayed silent, watching his face closely for any sign of falsehood. He twitched under her gaze. "Okay fine, maybe that makes me a pervert but I swear I didn't do it!"
"I think we're going to have to make a little trip to verify that," she informed him. "What did you say your name was?"
"Tyler," he supplied glumly.
Beckett nodded at Morabito. "Please escort Tyler here to a car. I'll see him in interrogation as soon as we get back."
Morabito nodded sharply and led the now passive witness away.
The detective folded her arms and frowned down at her victims, willing them to give up just a hint of who they were. Instead all she got was the undeniable prickle of Castle's eyes boring into her back.
"What?" she finally gave in.
"Oh my goodness I don't even know where to begin!" Castle clapped his hands, vibrating with excitement. "They're from the future, where clothes are no longer needed and identification doesn't matter. Their people simply roam the lands, mating as they please and living a simple, glorious life."
Beckett sighed and closed her eyes. Lanie gave a dramatic whistle. He was starting with a bang and could only get worse.
"Wait, no!" he exclaimed. "They're not from the future they're from the past! It's Adam and Eve, magically transported through time from the Garden of Eden in the midst of discovering the sacred act of procreation. The rigours of their journey led them to a sudden and tragic end!"
"I think it's time for me to get them to the morgue," Lanie announced before Castle could get started on his next one.
"Call me as soon as you have anything!"
"As I always do."
The partners watched the ME call out orders for transport before turning towards each other.
"No, Castle," she pushed her index finger into his chest to stop him in his tracks. "No more theories yet. Please. Let's just take a look around then get back to the precinct."
"You're going to have to hear them sometime," he warned.
"Do I?" she arched an eyebrow and started walking away.
"You do!" he vowed running after her. His grin nearly split his face apart.
To Be Continued…
Well... Intrigued?