a/n: well kiddies, the anti-moe Hidamari fic is back, with new, kid-friendly, guideline-conforming, extra-mushroomy title! wasshoi!

ok, i probably could have done without the 'wasshoi'.

anyway, let's get back to Yuno-san and Miyako-san being utterly hostile to each other. (yay!)

Hidamari Shiitake: Anti-Moe Unhappy Mushroom Motif

BOOKSTORE

At a certain bookstore near a certain high school, one nameless otaku said to another nameless otaku:

"Everywhere you look, it's moe, moe, moe. Moe this...moe that. You know what would be cool?"

"Your very own moe love doll to rape while punching her in the face?" said the other.

"Tempting, but no. It'd be cool to see some anti-moe."

"Oh. You mean girls who are old and fat, have three kids and drink and smoke all the time?"

"No. That's just parody. That would just be funny and stupid."

"Well, duh. If they make fun of moe then it's gonna be funny and stupid."

"It wouldn't be so much making fun of moe. It'd be more like..."

The first trailed off, unable to find the right words to complete his thought. So he tried coming at it from another angle.

"...Okay, like when you're watching a moe anime, for example. How's it make you feel?"

"Like changing the channel?"

"Alright, pretend you're one of those fat hikikomori NEETs who feeds on that stuff, then."

"How should I know?" the other fired back. "I don't know what goes through their little-sister-deprived heads!"

"Okay, okay, fine," the first relented. "Then we'll just say that watching cute girls doing cute things for twelve or thirteen episodes makes most people feel all soft and squishy inside."

"Fat hikikomori NEETs aren't most people."

"And so it's kinda like moe is this happy world of sunshine, see," the first went on, ignoring the other, "where it's all warm and cozy and everybody gets along and there's plenty of love and peace and good feelings to go around, and the girls are always getting together for tea and cake and sitting around talking about nothing whatever."

"I can't believe you're talking about this."

"Well the point was, anti-moe would be the opposite of that."

"...Okay. Like I said: fat, old girls with kids who drink and smoke. And they all hate each other."

"That's still not what I mean."

"Should they make the girls cuss like yakuza, too? And have 'em eating cheap crappy cup ramen all the time instead of those homemade meals?"

"Okay, maybe 'opposite' is not the right word."

"Heh. That little reddish-pinkish-haired girl with the twintails from Lucky Star saying 'F-this, F-that' all the time would be pretty funny."

"Kagami? Dude, her hair's purple, not pinkish."

"No, not her. The other twintails. That small girl."

The first glared at the other suspiciously.

"What?"

"That's a minor character."

"So?"

"I thought you hated that anime. And yet you know about a minor character?"

The other glared back. "It's called having a little sister who wouldn't leave me alone until I watched a few episodes."

"She didn't appear until Episode 14!"

"Hunh...look who knew that off the top of his head."

"And real girls don't watch that anime, anyhow. It's strictly for guys."

"Tell that to my little sister. She liked K-On!, too."

"...Really?"

"Yup. And don't even think about dating her. You're not goin' anywhere near her, dude."

"I wasn't thinking that."

"Like hell. I remember when you used to carry around that Ritsu cell strap all the time."

"...Well, whatever. Anyway, having Yutaka go around swearing every other word would still just be parody. But I'm thinking anti-moe would be something more...kinda..."

He trailed off, still unable to find the words. Yet his thoughts were soon cut off by raised voices coming from elsewhere in the bookstore.

"RIGHT...THERE! YUNO!" a girl cried out.

"Well, I didn't see it!" insisted another girl.

The two nameless otaku turned to look, as did most everyone else in the small bookstore. Two cute high school girls stood unhappily before a tall shelf of books. The otaku recognized their uniforms as being from the nearby Yamabuki school. The air about the girls felt choked with tension.

"How could you NOT see it?" Miyako berated her. "The spine's green! See any other green spines here?"

Yuno looked as though she were about to fire a comment back at the taller Miyako. Instead, she abruptly turned away and angrily reached up high to fetch the book pointed out to her. Miyako likewise turned away and started walking off.

Yuno could not quite reach the book.

She stretched her arm higher, standing as tall as her short frame permitted. Her fingers only grazed the spine's lower edges.

Yuno threw a glance in Miyako's direction, as if hoping she would notice her predicament. Miyako didn't. Miyako had her back to Yuno and was headed for the front door.

Yuno narrowed her eyes. Okay, whatever, her face seemed to say. So Yuno tensed herself up, then hopped, trying for the book. Not enough height on the first attempt. She hopped again. Her aim missed and her fingers bumped an adjacent book instead. She hopped again, glancing the right book this time but failing to get a good grip on it. She hopped once more.

Yuno suddenly heard a familiar childish laugh break out. It was Miyako.

Miyako, hearing the claps of Yuno's shoes on the floor, had turned around and was now imitating Yuno's hops, hopping in place and calling out, "Hop! Hop! Ahahahaha!" with selfish glee.

Yuno stopped.

The damage done, Miyako turned and resumed her ambling toward the front door, still chuckling. Yuno stood quietly for a few moments, looking humiliated.

Finally, she tried another idea, though she knew it would be bad manners to do it. Hesitatingly, she set her foot on a lower shelf and gave herself a boost.

Instantly she heard the store owner's voice reprimanding her from the checkout counter. "No climbing on the shelves, young lady," he spoke firmly.

Yuno nearly fell down, feeling caught in the act. Yet her discomposure swiftly turned to annoyance.

So he was watching me, too? And he didn't offer to help?

Indignantly she grabbed the book and got off the shelf, accidentally knocking over a nearby book about wild mushrooms. She didn't bother to pick it up. Walking up to the checkout counter, she had already decided that he didn't deserve the bow and humble apology that her Japanese mannerisms were urging her to give. Instead, she rudely tossed the book onto the counter and muttered with obvious insincerity:

"Sorry."

The store owner looked all the more affronted. "Listen, if you and your friend can't behave yourselves in my store then you will not be allowed to come back. Do you understand?"

I understand you didn't bother helping me when you saw I couldn't reach the book! Some store owner you are! she wanted to say. Yet she held herself back, fearing that he might refuse to allow her to purchase the book altogether if she started an argument.

"I-I just wanna get this book, okay?" she stammered in frustration.

Without another word, the store owner began ringing it up. Meanwhile, Miyako called out to her from where she stood waiting by the front door, arms folded and leaning on a rack of books.

"Hey, Yuno! You gonna make dinner soon as we get home or what? I'm starved!"

Yuno looked sullen, but said nothing.

"1243 yen," the store owner said stiffly.

Yuno slapped down 1250 yen and crassly swiped the book off the counter, walking off without bothering with her change or her receipt. Miyako walked out the door, Yuno following. Briefly Miyako turned back as Yuno walked ahead. Sticking her middle finger up her nose, Miyako pulled out a sticky blob and smeared it right at eye level on the glass door. She turned again and flew off after Yuno.

"Dammit," the store owner scowled. Stepping out from behind the counter, he strode off to a back room, reappearing moments later with a bottle of glass cleaner and a rag.

The two otaku momentarily watched as the store owner worked on wiping away all traces of Miyako's snot. They then glanced at each other.

"I wouldn't wanna watch an anime with girls like that, either," the other said.