Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in this story… it sucks but what can I do right?
A/N This story is slash and while it's not graphic or even too smutty it may have some content that can offend you, that's if you don't like slash stories, take that as a warning. Also, I got inspired to write this after listening to a song called, If It Kills Me by Jason Mraz, it's the second time that song inspired me! Lol… Other than that enjoy and let me know what you think xD
My Wishful Thinking
There's nothing worse in the world than falling in love with your best friend; and when I say falling in love I mean real love, not that temporary malady called infatuation that seems to have infected half the population.
I'm talking about the real thing here.
Some idealists say that this is the best type of love because you know this other person inside and out; you know the good, the bad and the ugly and if you've stuck around after knowing those there's a good chance that you will keep around for the long run.
I say that's the stupidest load of crap I've ever heard in my life!
Have these idealists ever heard the term 'not reciprocate'? Because I have, I know what it means by experience because I fell in love with my best friend and there's no chance that I'll have that feeling returned.
Instead of having that awesome period of bliss following realization I have to be content with what I have; I have to keep the feeling locked inside of me while I see this person almost every day of my life. I stick around while we eat together, I watch in silence while we travel together, I try to suffocate my feelings while we train together… see, not so great after all.
But I'm not bitter, there are some things that are not meant to be and this is one of them. It's not like I can go to this person and spill my heart out and expect something good out of it. On the contrary, some kind of cataclysm could happen if I ever confess.
Why? Well, because this best friend of mine happens to be a man. I'm a man, he's a man and he's not into other men.
See, idealists know crap about things…
But like I said, I'm not bitter. I'm not the first man in the world who will have a love not reciprocated and I'm sure as hell won't be the last.
Eh, but it kind of sucks because once you start seeing that person as something more than a friend there's no way of going back; and it's not like I planned on it, it just happened. One day I found myself thinking that he's such a good friend, on how funny he is… that he's not bad to look at and then BAM! Next thing I know is that he's the one person I can only imagine myself with…
Yeah it's messy… and melodramatic but such is life.
At least I get to stick around. Like now, after a late show some of the guys decided to go out for a few drinks and we both tagged along. I'm not really into the whole bar hoping thing but after a night not so long ago when I had to bail him out of jail I decided to start going with him in his little misadventures… you know, just to keep an eye on him and stuff.
Call it bonding time if you will, I do it just to make sure he makes it back in one piece. Now the night is over and as many nights before he ends up wasted and me taking care of him.
Now I'm dragging him along the corridor of the hotel, pursing my lips because he is pushing all his weight against me and it makes it a bit harder to move on.
"We'll both fall in the middle of this damn hotel if you keep pushing me" I grunt and he straightens a little, relieving some the pressure from my shoulder.
All the way through he is singing so he's not as wasted as he could be, trust me, I've seen it all.
So I guess this is the ugly part of Chris, as of late he is liking his GG way too much and like the good, loyal friend that I am I always end up dragging him back to his or my room, bailing him out of jail and sometimes listening about the sorrows that overwhelm his soul.
Tonight is to my room that we go, and judging by the somehow moderate amount of liquor he downed I don't think he'll give me too much trouble. Maybe some small talk about something he found amusing and then he'll pass out.
It's a routine, tomorrow he'll wake up as if nothing ever happened…
But don't get me wrong, it's not like this happens every night and I'm not saying that our friendship is based on me taking care of him. When I say that he is my best friend is because he is, he has been there for me in rough times as I have been for him. We have known each other for years now and ever since we get along pretty well.
But anyway, back to the present. With some effort I manage to get us to my door and eventually into my room, once inside he removes his arm from my shoulder and walks directly to my bed, falling backwards on top of it.
I arch an eyebrow and take a quick look at him, he has his eyes closed and is unmoving, giving me the impression that he already passed out.
"Great" I mumble, kicking my shoes off. That I'm in love with him doesn't mean that I'll let him pass some things, I mean I'm tired and I was hoping for a good night sleep, one that didn't involve a Canadian drunk taking over my bed.
Taking a deep breath, I walk to the bed and nudge at him. "Hey… why don't you take over the couch over there" I say, but nothing, he's out.
I blink a few times and drag my hand down my face, pouting a bit because I really want my bed and he's sprawled all over it. I nudge at him again. "Chris!"
"I'm sleeping" He mumbles and I frown.
"You can't be asleep if you are talking you dork, move over to the couch"
"I'm sleeping" He says again.
I chuckle and fold my arms up to my chest, watching him. "You know, next time I'll leave you somewhere on the streets, drunk and out of your mind"
He shifts. "You won't, you love me too much to abandon me"
At his words I feel my muscles tense a bit. He doesn't know so he can't be talking about real love, like the one I feel for him, he must be talking about brotherly love…
I shake my head, no… he doesn't know so there's no reason to freak out. To him I love him because he's my friend and maybe in his mind he loves me too… not like I would like to though.
"I might if you don't move over, come on" I reach forward and grab his forearms, trying to pull him out of bed, but he's not cooperating. "Bastard" I say with a chuckle "I don't even know why I'm friends with you" I say as I pull harder.
This time I manage to lift him up but when he is almost in a sitting position he pulls me to him and goes back to lay in bed; if it wasn't because I'm sober and he is not I would have end up sprawled on top of him… luckily, or unluckily, I only stumble and with my hands firm against the bed I just hover over him.
This is the time I stand up and tell him I'll kick his ass if he doesn't get off my bed at the count of three, but he is holding my arms and those stunning blue eyes of his are fixed on mine… I feel like I can't move.
"You have pretty eyes" He mumbles and I snort, not because of the compliment but because I was thinking the same about his eyes… weird.
"Well thank you, but I would like to rest these eyes so please get off my bed"
He doesn't respond and I watch as his eyes go half close… for a moment I think he is going to sleep but then I realize that he's staring at my lips.
"Or I can take the couch… after a few years of marriage I got use to it, Denise liked to send me there when she was mad… I didn't like it… and I, we got divorced" And why am I rambling about such stupid things? This is Chris, a drunk Chris… "I think I better take the couch" I breathe out and really, why is so hot in this room all of a sudden… I feel like my face and part of my body is on fire, the parts that are making contact with him.
It's not like I haven't been this close to him before, we are wrestlers and we have wrestled against each other. That involves more physical contact that the one we are having now…
But it's not the contact, it's the way he stares from my eyes to my lips, it's the fact that we are alone in this room… in my bed of all places, it's the way I can feel his breathing against my face.
"Have you ever kissed a man, Jay?"
Wow… "Sure, my dad and my brothers… does kids count? Because I have a few nephews…"
"That's not what I mean" He says, his eyes fixed on mine once again. "I mean like in a friend"
"What?" I chuckle and to my ears it sounds like I'm about to freak out; but even though I'm still unable to move. "You are drunk"
"You are a good friend" He says and I'm glad that he changed the subject about kissing friends, but then he leans forward and brushes his lips against mine.
I pull back, not because I didn't like what he did but because he's drunk, he's drunk and I'm not… "What are you doing?"
Instead of gracing me with a response he moves his hand from my arm to the back of my head, forcing my head down and back against his lips.
He kisses me, small and sweet little kisses that make my heart halt for a second. It's like he is testing the waters and I'll be lying if I said that I don't like this. After all this is Chris, my friend and the one I love.
Soon he goes from the soft kisses to pressing his lips hard against mine, applying pressure and dwelling a bit more… it doesn't feel real… I still can't move. But then he parts his lips, his warm tongue peeking out and softly brushing against my lips.
I take this as my go and my tongue ventures pass my lips as well, making a brief apparition where it touches his also venturing tongue. It was subtle; enough for me to take a small taste of him… it made me want more.
My hands are still resting against the mattress, I feel them trembling and about to give in so I put all my effort so they would keep supporting me.
Breathing in and drinking in the moment I swallow hard, feeling as he goes to repeat it again; I do too, our tongues meeting a couple of times briefly before retreating, it goes on until I take the step to go a bit further by pushing into his mouth, kissing him deep and slowly, tasting and exploring at will.
He doesn't pull back and he doesn't protest, he just kisses me back, one hand still at the nape of my neck and the other sliding down my back. In that moment I have a moment of clarity, one that tells me that he is drunk and that I'm taking advantage of him.
What am I doing?
I pull back, my breathing a bit labored. I'm sure that my face is flushed; it's a mix of shame and desire… I mean, with just that kiss my body is in full alert, especially the part that wants to rip through my pants. This is wrong… "I'm sorry… I shouldn't…"
I don't finish the sentence, not because I don't want to but because before I could do it he pushes his hips against mine, letting me feel that I'm not the only one that has problems inside the pants.
"Chris" I whisper, my voice coming out strained. "You are drunk" I say again, but once again he doesn't mind what I'm saying, he just takes one of my hands in his and presses it against the bulge in his pants.
Even through the fabric he feels hot and swollen, I never thought I would be touching him like this and I can't imagine how it would feel to touch him without those clothes. Glorious, I bet…
With one hand it's hard to maintain my balance so I gather all my will and back away from him, bringing by hand away from him.
You see, I love this man… I really do, and because I do I can't take advantage of him. Sure, he's the one getting friendly but he is drunk. Everyone knows it's like an unspoken rule that you can't make out with a drunk friend and I broke it, I can't let it get farther than it has.
"We shouldn't be doing this" I say… not wanting to but someone has to do it. I mean this is all I ever wanted and then more… but I can't. "I mean, I…"
"Jay, you talk too much" He says before taking a deep breath, his eyes shutting down while a faint smile appears on his lips.
I watch him for what feels like a few minutes, blinking a few times before smiling as well. Does he knows? Could it be that he figured me out or is this some random event never to happen again?
I want it to be more, but I can't tell or even attempt to carry on while he is like this. I can't risk it…
But then again he was the one kissing me, he kissed me!
I run my tongue through my bottom lip, watching him. His breathing is even and his features are relaxed… I think this time he really went to sleep.
"Jerk, if it wasn't because I love you…" If it wasn't because of that… oh but there is always tomorrow… and maybe tomorrow my wishful thinking can become my reality.
TBC?