The Giant Indian Dude and the Song of Suck – a companion fic to The Giant Indian Dude and the Sparkly Pink Purse.

"Is this thing on, Ed?" I ask, grabbing my boyfriend's arm. His copper hair is mussed more than usual; his amber eyes burn bright and wide in the stage lights. There is, for once, no trace of the usual black that always hides on the outside of his eyes, driving him to his next meal.

He nods and goes back to the recording booth, calling luck behind his shoulder.

Sonny stands beside me, doing some sort of warm-up. We're on the stage where "So Random" is normally shot. The rows of bleachers where the audience would be are barren.

"You ready?" Edward calls from the balcony. I give a thumbs-up and begin strumming the guitar in my hands. I only know a few chords, but it's all I need. The pattern is repetitive — sort of like Chad Dylan Cooper's relationships.

I guess I should explain.

The café is classy, I'll give it that. Sonny smiles at Chad, notices the measure of disgust that guides it way into his face, and sits up straighter.

"Chad? What are you thinking about?" she asks, playing along. Sonny's been my friend since we were in the first beginnings of teen-hood. She lived in Forks for a couple of years, met me, and — as she is prone to do when she disagrees — made witty comments when I attempted to hit on her. That went miserably, in case you're wondering.

Edward crouches down next to me, holding my hand. Making our convoluted plan to unveil Chad Dylan Cooper for the slime that he is has been an excruciating pain for the both of us. We haven't been able to see each other except for when we retire to suite that his family is fronting. Even then, we're too exhausted to even speak to one another. We collapse into bed next to each other and wait for the sun to rise.

Avoiding the sun hasn't proven to be a problem. In Hollywood, you can just pretend that it's glitter when you start sparkling. To add to the effect, you can use actual glitter, body-paint, whatever. Nothing is abnormal in this city. It's a little unsettling, coming from La Push to the city where anything goes.

Okay, very unsettling.

Avoiding Chad's advances on the both of us has been the biggest pain, though. He made his move on me first — which might've been a boost for my confidence if he didn't make his move on Edward within the same hour — and hasn't stopped asking. Sonny suspects that he'll probably try something on her soon, completing the chain.

We actually have a neat little track record going. I've been 'dating' him for a month and three days, Ed for a little less than a month, and Sonny for a little less than a day. Edward and Chad's anniversary is precisely the reason we're ending this tonight. Sonny doesn't deserve this and it's starting to put a strain on Edward, too. Chad begging and begging for sex would drive Edward insane.

"It's time to start the show..." I say to my lover, pulling him in for a brief kiss. Sonny is cooing over Cooper as instructed.

"HOW DARE YOU FLIRT WITH MY BOYFRIEND!" I bellow, coming from behind them and glowering down at my best friend.

"Boyfriend?" she squeaks, turning to meet my gaze.

"Jake?" Chad squeaks, matching her pitch.

"You know this guy?" Sonny shrieks, almost causing me to break character and laugh. "Why is he calling you his boyfriend?"

"Er... uh..." Chad backs away from the table, rising from his chair and wiping his hands nonchalantly. He refuses to meet Sonny's pleading look.

"Because he is my boyfriend," I say with venom, interrupting the beginning of the end for Chad's diginity. "And who are you?"

"I am Chad's girlfriend!" Nice touch, Sonny. Make a point of the fact that he likes dick. He needs to suffer.

It occurs to me that I may be a bit sadistic.

"Sonny! Sonny... I can explain!" He meets the fierce glare I'm giving him. "Jake! I, uh, can explain to you, too. Later. Can you please leave?"

"No." I say in a monotone. Operating on some unseen cue, Edward comes out of the bushes and stands beside me. Chad's mouth opens into an O. It looks almost sexual... in the worst way possible.

"Shit. Hi, uh, Edward. How've you been?"

"Cut the crap, Chad. You've been seeing these two behind my back? I honestly didn't want to believe the rumors... but I guess it took the three of us to prove them true." He laughs. His eyes are nearly full-black. He's not taking any of this pretty boy's idiocy tonight. He doesn't have much a tolerant for bastards when he's not hungry.

"Yeah, I can't believe you'd need anyone but Sonny. She's gorgeous and she's intelligent and she's hilarious and she's my best friend," I say, moving to Sonny's side and wrapping a protective arm around her waist. She laughs.

"I can't believe the two of you. You give me too much credit. I'm really nothing special..."

"Chad was thinking that you looked pudgy. Give me a reason why I shouldn't suck him dry." Chad blushes deeply, not getting the real implications of what Edward was saying. We haven't told him about our... conditions, but Sonny knows Edward well enough to know that he wouldn't get anywhere near Chad's blood. You have to admire the self-control he's got.

"B—best friend?" Chad stutters out, finally coming to terms with the truth staring him in face.

"Yeah. You've been owned. We understand if you want to go wallow in self-pity as we strut into the night," I say. And we do... after I make sure to pull Edward into my arms and give him the most searing kiss I can muster and destroying whatever trace of Chad is left on him.

Chad' embarrassment was nowhere near over, though. If I'm only a little sadistic, Sonny and Edward are Hitler and Stalin. In the present, I'm still strumming the guitar. Sonny clears her throat.

"Hello. I'm Sonny Monroe. You may know me from "So Random" and if you don't... Why are you even watching this? Unless you watch the trashy "Mackenzie Falls" and we all know that you're not that drunk this early in the day. I can only hope you all won't be too offended by the song I'm about to sing..." she says with a measured amount of self-consciousness.

"It isn't even very good," I chime in. "But it does get our point across."

She giggles. "Well, we may as well get started, Ja— Oh that's right. Guys, this is one of my very best friends. His name is Jacob Black and he's going to help me prove a point that you all need to listen closely to."

"So close." I nod emphatically.

"Right. You may want to crank your volume up as loud as possible, actually."

I change keys without warning and strum something more complicated. Sonny begins to shout the verse.

Chad! This is for you!

You're festering poo!

I should have cheated on you!

And here's what I think.

I think...

Here comes the singing. I pull Sonny to her feet and rock out appropriately — which is to say completely and utterly inappropriately, complete with the most vulgar of gestures that the mind's eyes can't even begin to picture. At some point, the cast of "So Random" has joined us. I don't know they're names.

I don't care.

Chad Dylan Cooper sucks dick.

Oh yeah, Chad Dylan Cooper sucks dick.

Walks around with a stick up his ass.

Grabs the tits of a girl from the past.

But it's all a lie because...

We all join in, our voices ringing out.

Chad Dylan Cooper sucks dick!

Immature? Probably.

It's still going on Youtube.

End

P.S. Now y'all may have seen a version of this story written by Chad, but it's total baloney.

Love,

The Management

Author's Note: I'd really rather this not be the first thing I put up here, but c'est la vie. This is crack masquerading as a serious fic, if you hadn't realized.