Loathe To Cause You More
NOTES: I'm in a weird mood tonight, so just go with this.
PAIRING: B/G (Been watching B/G vid clips and I got inspired…)
SPOILERS: S6 up to Tabula Rasa.
SUMMARY: Giles is convinced to stay by a broken Buffy. More a B/G friendship than a relationship. (I was very restrained…)
SECOND NOTE: Quotes taken from 'Tabula Rasa'. They're kinda not in the right order, basically cos it worked better for this fic. Other quotes taken from 'Passion', 'The Freshman', 'Amends', 'Once More With Feeling', 'Checkpoint'
ONWARDS:
She was stunned. There was no other word for it. Had he just said…
"You're leaving?"
"I have to."
Buffy swallowed hard. There was a pit of fear building inside of her, her stomach churning uncomfortably at the very thought of Giles leaving. It wasn't just the fear of not being able to see her Watcher everyday. He'd become her lifeline, her anchor, her compass. Her stalwart standing fast.
She tried to think of something –anything- to say to this man.
"Uh-huh."
Her legs could no longer hold her and she sat heavily beside him on the couch in their training room. Theirs. It wasn't just hers or his, even though he'd given it to her as a gift and even though it was in the store that he owned. It was theirs. Their sanctuary, their haven.
"You have to be strong. I'm, I'm trying to-"
She couldn't listen to him. She couldn't hear the words that had been said to her in one form or another more than three times over the last five or so years. She couldn't stand to hear that yet another of the men she loved was leaving. She jumped to her feet and interrupted him
"Trying to, to what? Desert me? Abandon me? Leave me all alone when I really need somebody?"
Angry didn't seem to cover what she was feeling. Hurt didn't seem to cut it either. Pissed off, livid, furious, they all fell short.
"I don't want to leave-"
"So don't. Please don't."
She sat beside him again, searching Giles' eyes for any sign that he would stay if she asked, begged, pleaded for him. There was hesitation there. There was fear and concern and worry and love. All the things that she could recognise in him after so many years of reading his emotions through his eyes.
"As long as I stay you'll always turn to me if there's something comes up that you feel that you can't handle, and I'll step in because, because…because I can't bear to see you suffer."
"Me too. Hate suffering. Had about as much of it as I can take." Everything I see…everything I touch…this is hell.
"Believe me, I'm loathe to cause you more."
"I can't do this without you," she whispered quietly. I can't do this alone…
"I've taught you all I can about being a slayer, and your
mother taught you what you needed to know about life. You…you're not going to trust that until you're forced to stand
alone." You're going to have to take
care of yourself
"But why now? Now that you know where I've been, what I'm
going through?" I live in hell, cos I've been expelled from heaven.
"Now more than ever. The temptation to give up is gonna be
overwhelming, and I can't let-"
"So I won't! No giving up. You can be here, and I can still be strong!" Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's everyday. "Dammit, please! Giles, you can't just…you can't just go!" They picked the perfect thing… "I can't lose you."
There were tears rolling down her cheeks and she was beginning to have problems breathing. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling. She'd been broke back into this world choking and suffocating on stale air, and this seemed to be much the same feeling.
"Please, just stay!" she sobbed out. "I'll back off I swear, but please, please just don't go! Just give me another chance, I promise I'll do better! Please."
Giles' heart shattered. He'd never been able to deal with crying women, and to see his Slayer cry was just heart-wrenching. He swallowed hard, a ball of misery clogging his throat. He'd been so sure that he was doing the right thing. He'd been so sure that the only answer would be for him to leave. But what if he'd been wrong. It had happened before (not very often mind you, but it had happened).
Could he stay? Should he stay? Wish I could stay.
He closed his eyes and rethought his plans.
"I'll stay-"
Buffy's head flew up, her eyes wide with emotion, excitement, gratitude, thankfulness.
"But-"
"There's always a but," Buffy mumbled, lowering her head again.
Giles reached out and touched Buffy's chin with a gentle finger, tilting her face to look at him.
"It's only a trial run. If I still think I'm standing in your way, then I'll go back to England."
She nodded, understanding his terms. She bit her lower lip and struggled with an impulse for a few seconds before she gave in, throwing herself into his arms. He smiled into her hair, embracing her gently. She was shaking terribly, and somehow he knew that they were both infinitely grateful for his decision to stay. He'd give her a month to pull her socks up, and after that, he'd make his decision based on her improvement.
Watcher –I need you to be my Watcher again- and Slayer huddled together in their own private space, both of them trying to avoid thoughts of a future that didn't include each other. When they finally pulled apart, Giles reached into his jacket pocket, withdrew an envelope and ripped up his ticket to a place he no longer called home.
END
Whether I continue this or not is up t you guys. I've kinda got some ideas about re-writing Tabula Rasa based on the whole 'Giles not leaving' thing, but if I don't get enough interest I won't bother. Please R&R. Ta!
K.