A oneshot, for your enjoyment. Please bear in mind that the author's note at the beginning is fictional, and no actual transfer of license ever took place between myself, and Koshi Rikdo. It is part of the story.
Note: At the time this header was written, it is approximately 4:30 am, Greenwich Mean Time, April 1. Happy April Fool's!
A Note From The Author:
God help me, I love Excel Saga. Don't know exactly why, but I really enjoyed watching it. Such snarky parody of all genres, coupled with the excessive randomness at every turn, makes for an experience that is simply impossible to ignore. Who can forget the trials and tribulations of Pedro, whose dedicated training to defeat evil reminds us all of fighting shows like Dragon Ball Z? Or the Puchuus' invasion of F City, whose starships and maneuvers reference the works of Leiji Matsumoto and Yoshiyuki Tomino? Or the resulting post-apocalyptic wasteland from straight out of Fist of the North Star?
To be honest, though, I don't really know why I'm telling you all this. It's just the same gushing that was in my letter to the manga's creator, Koshi Rikdo. What I did want to tell you though, is that he replied to my message! And I want to share with you the response he sent me:
"Esteemed Mr. Turner,
"I am quite happy that you enjoyed the results of the experiments I authorized for Excel Saga. In fact, the insights in your message intrigued me and I think you might be able to help me. I have come to realize that if this experimental story only remains in one country, it is limited as to the source material for its parodies and satire. Therefore, I propose an export of Excel Saga to the United States of America. Let the record stand thus:
I, Koshi Rikdo, do temporarily sign over Excel Saga's creative control to this individual, whose foreign insights promise to boost the capabilities of the saga and enable Excel and her comrades to far surpass the expectations originally made of them. In the interest of broadening the scope of this experimental anime, I assign Mr. Turner the responsibility of designating authority to turn Excel Saga into whatever genre of entertainment that those funny Americans tend to watch.
In conclusion, good luck with the series!
-Koshi Rikdo
P.S. Excel Saga's success in Japan is due in large part to the abundance of anime, but after so many years of parody, most of these genres have been done now, and should not concern you in the United States. I want to see you take Excel Saga to new and exciting places, outside the realm of Japan. That said, any use of anime in your parodies will result in immediate termination of the agreement."
Impressive, no? It seems the time has come for Excel Saga to evolve, to reshape itself into a new entity. That being said, it's finally time I stopped dicking around and got to work. That's right: to kick off Phase Two of this experiment, I, Skip Turner, hereby give permission for Hollywood to bastardize Excel Saga by creating a multi-million dollar, 3-D, summer blockbuster of it!
ADVENTURES IN 3-D!
Eagle City
Deep in the heart of Eagle City, there stood a massive, concrete skyscraper. It was not especially huge or flashy, but it was the tallest building in the entire city, which set it apart from the nicer-looking skyscrapers around it that housed other businesses. Even though it was not heavily decorated, the sparse facade lent it an austere, business-like air. Expensive luxury cars filled its parking garage. This building was the headquarters of one of the most powerful corporations in the United States: the American Cinema, Record, and Other Stuff Syndicate.
ACROSS handled the distribution and marketing of virtually all entertainment and media that was produced by American artists and musicians. Every producer in Hollywood had to first show their material to ACROSS so that they could evaluate the film and rate it for consumption. Very few people knew who was in charge of ACROSS, but rumors suggested that he was a very peculiar and uncommon man indeed.
"HAAAAIIIILL IL PALAZZO!" a shrill voice rang out from the top floor of the building.
The top floor could only be described as a throne room. Sitting in the ornate, opulent seat that towered above everything else was a tall, handsome, bespectacled man, who wore waist-length, pale violet hair. Two young women stood before him: one of them was the source of the shout, a red-haired, brash-looking woman who was bouncing on her heels with energy; the other, blue-haired girl swayed on her feet, as if she could keel over at any moment. The latter raised a hand with considerable effort.
"Haail, Il Palazz–" but her declaration soon gave way to a coughing fit, after which she collapsed, dead.
"It is my duty and highest pleasure to serve only you, my Lord, Il Palazzo!" the redhead shouted abrasively. "I would swim the depths of the deepest ocean and fly to the furthest reaches of the galaxy if you will it so!"
"Excel..." Il Palazzo began.
"Death is of no consequence to me!" Excel continued at ninety miles per hour. "I would happily throw my life away for your survival! No, for your happiness! No! For your entertainment!"
"That is enough!" Il Palazzo commanded.
"Yes! Shutting up, sir!" Excel snapped a salute.
"Now," Il Palazzo continued. "You are both here for a very important reason. Unfortunately, Hyatt has just died, so it looks like you will be on your own until she recovers."
"Excuse me, Il Palazzo, sir," Hyatt ventured weakly, clearly depleted of strength. "I feel very weak, but I'm not dead yet."
"Well if you're not dead," Il Palazzo responded. "Then would you get off the floor and stand up? Corpses can't stand, but the living don't have any excuses."
"Yes, sir," Hyatt whispered with a smile, coughing as she struggled to her feet.
"Then we can begin," Il Palazzo answered. "As you know, ACROSS has left Japan and taken root in America, where we have made business agreements and become the most powerful organization in the country. So can either of you tell me why we are staying here in the United States?"
"I-volunteer-my-answer-Lord-Il-Palazzo!" Excel blurted as rapidly as she could.
"Alright. Let's hear it."
"We are here," Excel answered. "Because America is the world's center!"
A pause hung in the room. Il Palazzo looked on expectantly.
"Of?" he pressed.
"What?" Excel tilted her head.
"America is the world's center of?" he urged. Excel deflated a bit, at a loss for her next answer.
"Burgers?" she ventured.
Il Palazzo reached for a silver, tasseled rope that was hanging from the ceiling just next to his throne. Excel went rigid with alarm, knowing what was about to happen, but she could not react in time. With a tug of the rope, the floor beneath Excel dropped out from under her and she plummeted into a dark shaft that reached to the very bowels of the skyscraper.
"I-happily-take-the-plunge-because-it-is-your-will!" Excel screamed as she fell deeper into the pit.
"Hyatt," Il Palazzo addressed her. "Perhaps you can succeed where Excel has failed. For the rest of the world, what is America the center of?"
"Corruption, sir?" Hyatt tried.
"Precisely," Il Palazzo confirmed as the sound of a distant splash traveled out of the pit. "America is the world's center of corruption. We thought that things were bad in Japan, but unfortunately, it is far worse here. This country sees rape and murder daily. Teachers and educators are discovered molesting children in their charge. People shoot and stab each other over money and relationships. The disabled have no means of shopping at Wal-Mart because all of the scooters are being hogged by lazy people! It's a terrible state of affairs, and we must take over this country soon. Because if we are unsuccessful in bringing America back from the brink, then the effects of corruption will ripple throughout the rest of the world!"
"Oh, sir, that's terrible!" Hyatt exclaimed. "This situation is so worrisome, that it just makes me feel..."
Hyatt doubled over and started coughing. Losing her strength, she fell to her knees and braced herself over the edge of the trapdoor. She retched loudly, and then vomited over the edge.
"Can you pull yourself together?" Il Palazzo sighed with annoyance. "We can't afford to waste time here all day."
"I'm baaaack!" Excel appeared in the opening of the trapdoor, scrabbling to lift herself out of the pit. She seemed to be in fine spirits, despite being sopping wet and covered in sick.
"And I heard everything about the corruption!" she continued. "And you are right, Lord Il Palazzo! It was foolish of me to deliver such an answer! I will punish myself for you immediately! I'll have time-out, self-starvation, whips, chains..."
"Anyway," Il Palazzo started, even as Excel continued talking. "There is a reason that ACROSS deals in music and movies now. You see, being a distribution company, we have a very large amount of control over the American government. Those politicians devote everything to reelection, so our lobby money is extremely helpful to their campaigns. By bribing them in this way, we can get laws passed that will benefit ACROSS, which of course, is in the best interests of the American people.
"Excel?" he paused, noticing her now. "Are you still talking about punishing yourself?"
"... so that it'll hurt me to pee for a full month!" Excel finished. "Did I miss something?"
Tug.
"You-are-worth-my-pain!" Excel yelled as she plunged once again into the pit.
"So, Lord Il Palazzo," Hyatt asked, "What is the first plan in the conquest of America?"
"Why, we make a movie," Il Palazzo answered. "Americans are quite easy to control, if you know how to do it. Right now, a plan is in place to pitch a new idea to Hollywood. We can encourage them to capitalize on the anime westernization trends that all producers are making money on. Speed Racer, Dragon Ball Z, and Astro Boy have all been made into live action films for the ignorant masses. Once Excel Saga is introduced as a new movie idea, we will be able to influence its creation and broadcast our message to an audience of three hundred million!"
"A most brilliant plan, Milord!" Excel's voice carried out of the pit.
"Of course!" Il Palazzo answered. "And I will send you on your way in due time. But first, I impart to you both a warning."
"A warning, sir?" Hyatt shied away, nervous now.
"Precisely. Both of you, be warned," he began. "Not all Americans are ignorant. Some of them ask questions, and they will oppose us in our goals to take over the country. Dirty pirates, all of them. Don't allow them to stop the plans of ACROSS."
"I will stop them with extreme prejudice, Lord Il Palazzo!" Excel shouted, climbing up out of the pit for the second time and closing the trapdoor behind her.
"I have given you my orders, so now you must depart," Il Palazzo declared. "You are both booked on the next flight to Los Angeles out of Eagle City, courtesy of US Airways."
"Yes sir, we will leave immediately," Hyatt saluted as she turned on her heel and drifted out the door. Excel had remained behind.
"Excel?" Il Palazzo asked.
"My lord is so good to us to book us for first class seats! But I was wondering: where will we find the tickets?"
"Boarding passes were placed on both of your persons when you entered the building today," Il Palazzo answered. "Also, you're both in coach, not first class."
Excel's beaming grin deflated immediately, giving way to a broken half-smile.
"Coach?" Excel stammered. "Coach? But why, Milord? Why won't you let Excel have a nicer ride?"
"It saves money," Il Palazzo answered. "Now get to the airport.
Tug.
"Your-wish-is-my-fantasy-Lord-Il-Palazzooooo!" Excel screamed on her way down.
Hollywood, Los Angeles
Franklin Yates sat hunched over the conference room table, leering at the executives he had taken on as a producer. They had been assigned to roll out a new movie that would break the box office, but so far, nobody had put forth any worthwhile ideas and time was running short.
"Come on people," he began, "We only have ten months before next summer! I need ideas! What are we going to produce?"
"Oh! Sir, I've got just the thing!" a director announced. "Okay, getting in character: This Summer! Adam Sandler always had things the easy way. But his world is about turn inside out when he discovers that his long-lost son is... a monkey!"
"No, that's just stupid," Yates shot him down. "Hollywood has a reputation to defend. We don't just sell out to any idea that offers enough money."
"Wait; how about this?" the ventured the only female producer. "Arnold Schwarzenegger is a biologist hard at work on human reproductive science. But when a breakthrough occurs, he takes the plunge... and becomes pregnant!"
"Already been done!" Yates countered. "Come on, people! Is there not a single original idea among any of you? Is there not one concept you can think of that will assure us hundreds of millions in revenue?"
"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen."
Yates and his colleagues looked up from that table to see a smartly dressed young man walking into the room. He carried with him a tray of coffee mugs, which he distributed among the executives discussing their next movie.
"I couldn't help but overhear," he said. "But if everybody's throwing out ideas, you might find a story about blue-collar working life to strike a chord with people. Maybe scout for aspiring actors and place him in the role of a lone laborer. A story about a man or a woman just struggling to make ends meet as layoffs and foreclosures threaten his or her job. I'd pay to see that."
"What is your name, young man?" Yates asked, a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"Skip Turner, sir," the man replied.
"I see." he answered. "And tell me, Mr. Turner, what do you do here?"
"Well," Skip responded. "Odd jobs mostly. I go from department to department, doing whatever needs doing."
"Are you a producer?"
"No sir."
"A director?"
"No sir."
"A writer?"
"No sir."
"Then if your job here is done," Yates grunted. "Then leave this conference room... and deliver my gosh-darned lattes when I ring for you!"
"Yes, sir," Skip masked his resentment, stepping back out of the room.
"Look," a producer at the other end continued. "What about reboots? Maybe we can dig up a classic franchise and use that! People will love it!"
"That's a good idea," Yates assented, intrigued now. "Yeah; Star Trek, Indiana Jones, and the A Team all worked. Let's focus on that."
"Eureka! Mr. Yates, I've got it!" shouted the oldest producer in the room. "Let's make a movie that's based on mangoes!"
"On mangoes?" Yates asked, perplexed.
"Yeah!" he insisted. "Those Japanese cartoons that all the kids like to watch. Let's just work on one of those and we'll make so much off of it!"
"Oh! I get it!" Yates agreed. "Those mangoes! I agree with you there, that's the best idea I've heard this meeting. There's so much of that stuff that if we continued using it, Hollywood would have movie material for decades to come, I'm sure of it!"
"And don't forget, we should do it in 3-D!" the female producer added.
"No, I don't want to do that," Yates protested. "It's a lot of... well, work. And it's too expensive."
"That shouldn't be a problem," she argued. "We can easily offset the expenses by charging even more money in the ticket prices."
"We... could do that," Yates conceded. "Or, we could make even moremoney by filming the movie in 2-D, converting it to 3-D at no expense, and then charging the same increased amount for tickets to the 3-D version!"
Intrigued sounds, some that could only be described as sounds of arousal, rose from the table.
"Mr. Yates, you are a genius!" the woman remarked.
"Now," Yates started, "Which mango should we pay homage to?"
"A-kee-ra?" tried another producer, mispronouncing the name Akira.
"No, we can't," Yates answered. "Lazar and DiCaprio are already working on that one."
The conference was cut short when an almighty crash jolted them out of their seats. The doors of the conference room flew off of their hinges and shattered the window opposite the room. Two girls, one red-haired and one blue-haired, stood in the doorway. Even as the dust cleared, the redhead's foot remained in the air, having just obliterated the wooden doors.
"HELLOOOO HOLLYWOOD! WOOOOOOO!" shouted Excel. "Glitz! Glamor! Such a decadent, luxurious lifestyle awaits us both! No need for emergency dog meat anymore! We can have steak and wine and caviar and fast cars and jewelry and jacuzzis all day everyday once we hit the big time! This is our break, Ha-chan! This is our break!
"Money! Money! So much money, oh my god..."
"Excuse us!" Yates grunted angrily, even as Excel continued. "Just who the heck do you think you are?"
"... and have my own zoo full of monkeys and zebras, and..."
"Hello, sirs!" Hyatt greeted cheerfully. "We are anime characters from Japan. We want you to make a movie of us and release it to American audiences!"
"... be able to buy so many nice things for my one true love, Il Palazzo..."
All of the producers in the room straightened up.
"What a stroke of luck!" Yates exclaimed. "We were discussing possible movie plans for just such a premise!"
"AWESOME!" Excel screamed at the top of her lungs. "When do we start filming? I can't wait to be in it! This'll be great!"
"Whoa, whoa, hold on now!" the oldest producer cut her short. "You won't be starring in it! That's just ridiculous!"
"Eh! What?" Excel exclaimed, visibly hurt, but still smiling her cracked grin. "Why not?"
"Well, first of all," the female producer replied. "What are your names?"
"My name is Excel Excel!" Excel answered. "And with me is Hyatt Ayasugi!"
"And... where did she go?" Yates asked.
"Eh..." Excel tensed up, realizing that Hyatt had collapsed. "Here she is!"
Excel dropped to the floor for a moment to pick up Hyatt's body. She put Hyatt's arm over her shoulder, revealing a cascade of bloody, stinking vomit that trailed all down her front and pooled on the floor at her feet.
"This happens all the time!" Excel explained. "Hyatt is a very sickly girl, so she dies a lot. It's very lazy of her, and I wish she wouldn't use sudden death as a crutch! Now, about the movie?"
"Excel," Yates explained. "We produce movies for American audiences. We can't just star unknown Japanese people. That's why we're bringing in well-known actors, celebrities that people will recognize. That makes the movie more valuable. And we're going to have to change your names in the movie."
"Our names?" Hyatt muttered, coming to. "What's wrong with our names?"
"Well," the oldest producer answered. "They're too... foreign. We have to have trusted, American names to call you. But don't worry; you'll still be paid handsomely because you can tell us how our source material works. You're our most valued research consultants. You can start by helping us with Hyatt's death scenes. We'll need to collaborate with the visual effects department about fake blood, vomit, bones and guts, the like. We want to make it all very graphic, because frankly, we just find it captivating!"
"Okay!" Yates cut in. "From here on out, in this movie, Excel's name will be Elise Elizabeth. And Hyatt's name will be Hanna Anderson."
"Oh, so many changes!" Excel lamented. "I fear for the future of this series! I don't like Elise! It doesn't roll off the tongue the same way that Excel does. What's to become of us? Will we be thrown out on the street? Forgotten as the sands of time wither away our youth from the glory days of the silver screen? Killed by overdosing and then our bodies eaten by cats? There's just so many ways that this can go wrong! And yet...
"We cannot give up," she continued. "I mustn't give up! For a Hollywood movie is the will of my lord and master, Il Palazzo. I will always be loyal to him, no matter what he commands! He wants only to save the world by eliminating the corruption in America, noble and gallant hero that he is! I cannot live in a world without my Il Palazzo, but for Him, I will gladly and cheerfully throw away my life if it helps him to his ends! It is the will of Il Palazzo to leave Excel Saga in the hands of Hollywood! And so I sign away my status as Excel and allow these gentlemen to choose an actress to better portray my life and exploits! For Il Palazzo, take me now, and do with me as you desire! This I allow, because I love Lord Il Palazzo so fucking much!"
Gasps rose from the table. All executives simply stared at the pair, evidently offended.
"Alright, now that's another reason you won't be starring in the movie," Yates responded. "We want to keep bad language and sexual humor at a minimum. Children will be watching this, and they are very sensitive to such material!"
"But sir," Hyatt contested. "How is saying the word 'fuck' any worse than all of the blood and gore you mentioned earlier?"
"Well," Yates began. "The thing is... er... violence... is... you see... versus things like sex... such corruption... kids aren't meant to see... so... my point being... Well, come on, it's just so obvious! Look, just don't say the 'F' word. Too many of those will give us an NC-17 rating."
"Then what's the problem?" Excel countered cheerfully. "Kids are kept out, so they never hear people say 'fuck', and they don't even see the blood and guts! That's good, isn't it?"
"Just... but... I..." Yates stuttered. "No! Look, let's put this behind us for a minute and discuss actors. Now Elise, I think the best actor to suit you would be our very talented, rich, Lindsay L! Any objections?"
Excel opened her mouth for a moment, but then declined to object. She could, however, be heard muttering the same mantra repeatedly under her breath: "For Il Palazzo... for Il Palazzo... for Il Palazzo..."
"Good! And as for Hanna," Yates continued. "I will get in touch with Kristen S. She should do a fine job of portraying your role. Any objections, Hanna?"
Hyatt had collapsed again, dead. She did not respond.
"Alright, then. Kristen S. it is," Yates confirmed. "Now Elise, Hanna, you're free to go today. We'll book you into a hotel and call you out onto the sets when we need you."
"Looking forward to it!" Excel shouted, hoisting Hyatt to her feet again, and then carrying Hyatt under her armpit.
"Hollywood is for movie stars!" Excel exclaimed, making a dash for one of the windows in the conference room that hadn't been broken by the flying door.
"ACTIONNNNN HEROOOO!" she yelled, crashing through the window and falling three stories to the ground below.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Yates declared. "We've struck gold. Our hard work and dedication to storytelling has paid off. Everybody's going to love this movie!"
The following preview has been approved for all audiences. The film in the preview has been rated: PG by ACROSS.
Bright lights flashed all around, casting a brilliant neon glow over the concrete sidewalks and busy streets. Casinos and classy hotels towered above the roadway, the sound of distant swing music echoing all around. Cars raced by, passing so close that any witnesses would swear that they could just reach out and touch them. Every so often, a large truck would barrel right past, close enough to make you flinch, shying away in surprise.
"Millions dream of making it big in Las Vegas," boomed a voice without an origin.
Swanky lounge music drifted through the air from a particularly large casino whose bright lights, massive fountains, and mock-ups of ancient structures made it the centerpiece of the strip.
"But this summer, IN 3-D..."
The pair of young women strode casually towards the casino, one with reddish-blonde hair and one with jet black hair. Both stood tall and confident, a sense of purpose and resolve detectable in their expressions.
"The world's most refined, talented thieves..."
A miniscule, white ball rattled around a spinning roulette wheel.
"... are about to learn..."
No more music. The red-haired actress rose slowly and painfully out of her bed. She put on a look of sickness and disgust. An unconvincing groan escaped her lips.
"... that even IN 3-D they aren't immune to hard partying!"
"Hanna?" the redhead groaned. "Where are you?"
"Elise?"
Hanna, the brunette, was sitting up in the other bed, sporting a look of intense discomfort. She tilted her head to face Elise for a minute, but then turned back, retching violently. Another second later, Hanna had vomited, splattering red-streaked, greenish brown torrents of blood, alcohol, and stomach acid all over her bedsheets. Elise looked on in alarm, watching as the contents of Hanna's stomach dribbled down her chin and onto the fabric.
"Are you feeling any bett–"
Retch. Even more vomit.
"What happened?" Hanna asked.
"Ngh!" Elise grunted, holding her head. "Not so loud, okay?"
"Elise?"
"What?"
"How did an elephant get into the hotel room? On the ninth floor?"
Hanna was right. Standing on the other side of the room was, indeed, a very healthy looking African elephant.
The scene melted into a rehash of the night before, Elise and Hanna entering a prestigious building.
"It all started when they planned a heist of the biggest casino in Vegas!"
"Okay," Elise began. "First, we disable the alarm and rig the machines for maximum payout. And then when the spit hits the fan, we haul butt and get the frick out of here!"
Klaxons blared as Elise and Hanna ran through the casino carrying heavy suitcases and wielding very large pistols. They had the money, and now it was time to make good their escape. Elise fired wildly, hitting slot machines that sparked and flashed as her bullets shattered them. Pieces flew everywhere, close enough to make anybody shield their eyes for fear of getting blinded by shrapnel.
Once they were outside the building, they could slow down to a walk since casino security was still preoccupied inside. Grinning, they both strode confidently away as the entire building exploded. Golden plumes of fire billowed behind them, causing their hair to flap violently around. But they betrayed no emotion whatsoever. It was routine for them.
"But their spectacular 3-D adventure soon went to their heads!"
"SODA BINGE!" Elise shouted. "WOOOOOOO!"
"And now..."
"Gah!" Elise shouted, back from the flashback. "How did twenty-three men fit in the tub?"
"They have to deal with..."
"Um..." Hanna asked. "Why is our car embedded in the window fifty stories up?"
"... some MAJOR loose ends!"
"This baby's not mine, is it?" Elise asked in alarm, trying desperately to calm down a bawling infant.
"Hold on to your hats, because the 3-D quest to piece together the details of their 3-D adventure is sure to be a wacky one indeed!"
"Nice baby... nice baby..." Hanna tried to sound soothing. "Just put the taser down, and don't zap me..."
"Get ready to see a zany action comedy IN 3-D, starring big names like Lindsay L., Kristen S., and Justin B!"
"OH NO!" Elise screamed. "The elephant has stolen our car!"
"Catch the new summer blockbuster: EXCEL SAGA: The Movie. Coming to a theater near you, and available IN 3-D!"
Two Weeks Before Release
Excel and Hyatt sat with Yates and his executive staff around the conference room table. Evening had fallen and most of the employees in the studio were preparing to head home. Pungent cigar smoke filled the conference room. Yates picked up his glass of brandy and took a sip.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Yates announced, holding up a plastic disc. "Post-production is finished! Take a good look at this disc: it contains the amazing story of Elise and Hanna, spliced to perfection and converted to 3-D! We'll rake in billions from such a popular mango!"
"ALL FINISHED!" Excel shouted. "This is it, Ha-chan! In two short weeks, all of America will know our story! We'll be rich!"
"Technology is amazing these days," Yates continued. "With the power of computers, duplicating material and superimposing the copies beside each other for 3-D conversion is easier than ever! Everybody, go home and have a well-earned break!"
Chairs scraped and scratched against the carpeted floor as half a dozen people rose from their chairs at once, scrambling eagerly for the door. Yates decided to wait for the crowding to die down. Once the chaos had subsided, Yates noticed Skip Turner standing in the doorway.
"Don't mind me, sir," Skip greeted. "Just coming in to clean up the empty glasses."
"Oh! Lackey," Yates responded. "I have a task for you."
"My name is Skip," Skip replied.
"That's nice," Yates answered insincerely. "Now look, Lackey: I have here a DVD of my latest movie. It's brand new and yet to be replicated. You will take this to Mr. Phillips in Distribution, so that he can get it copied and delivered to theaters. You're not very valuable here, but I suppose that surely even you can do a simple task like this, no? Just make sure nobody swipes it; we don't want any leaks before it's released."
"Alright, sir," Skip answered, accepting the disc. "I'll deliver this right away."
"Excellent," Yates replied. "Perhaps I'll consider a one-off bonus for this."
Release Day, Eagle City Cinemas
"This is it!" Excel exclaimed. "The big day! The moment of truth! The event that we have all been waiting for! At long last, the fruits of our labor will be validated by an audience of three hundred million strong! And what a tease of an audience, not buying tickets in advance! How sly of them to surprise us like that! They must be waiting until the moment it opens to rush in and clog the box office! Get ready, Ha-chan! Today is our day!"
Silence. A calm breeze blew through the half-filled parking lot. Excel's smile cracked just a bit.
"Senior?" Hyatt asked. "Where is everybody? Why has nobody shown up to see our movie?"
"What indeed?" Excel agreed. "A delay? A snag? A monkey wrench in the works? What an ominous feeling! As if some higher power so desperately wants us to fail! Who is this cruel person who dangles riches before my eyes and then authors my downfall, my plunge into obscurity? Who?
"I have no answers," she continued. "But I know who will: when in doubt, go to Il Palazzo! He'll know how to fix things. Come on, Ha-chan!"
Excel started walking, only to realize that Hyatt had died again. Excel sighed.
"Drag on, Ha-chan!" she grunted, taking Hyatt's weight.
ACROSS Headquarters
"HAAAILL IL PALAZZOOOO!" Excel shouted.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Hyatt's heart rate monitor was her only means of response in her bedridden state.
"Il Palazzo sir!" Excel began. "The Excel Saga movie just hit theaters an hour ago, but nobody has shown up to this theater to see it! Do they not know? Are they going to other theaters to see it? What is going on? Where is my ticket money?"
"Unfortunately, we have a problem," Il Palazzo replied.
Excel screeched as Il Palazzo reached for the silver rope next to his throne. With a tug, a large screen descended from the ceiling. Excel continued to look on in shock, her heart still rattling around in her ribcage because she expected to fall. He turned the screen on and pulled up a video streaming site.
"Screwtube?" Hyatt posited from her bed.
"Yes," Il Palazzo replied. "Take a look at what I found."
He displayed a video that had made it to the front page. Excel and Hyatt looked on in alarm. The title of the video: Excel Saga: The Movie – Raw Footage. Both young women watched as the video began to play:
DDeeeepp iinn tthhee hheeaarrtt ooff EEaaggllee CCiittyy,, tthheerree ssttoooodd aa mmaassssiivvee,, ccoonnccrreettee sskkyyssccrraappeerr.. IItt wwaass nnoott eessppeecciiaallllyy hhuuggee oorr ffllaasshhyy,, bbuutt iitt wwaass tthhee ttaalllleesstt bbuuiillddiinngg iinn tthhee eennttiirree cciittyy,, wwhhiicchh sseett iitt aappaarrtt ffrroomm tthhee nniicceerr-llooookkiinngg sskkyyssccrraappeerrss aarroouunndd iitt tthhaatt hhoouusseedd ootthheerr bbuussiinneesssseess.. EEvveenn tthhoouugghh iitt wwaass nnoott hheeaavviillyy ddeeccoorraatteedd,, tthhee ssppaarrssee ffaaccaaddee lleenntt iitt aann aauusstteerree,, bbuussiinneessss-lliikkee aaiirr.. EExxppeennssiivvee lluuxxuurryy ccaarrss ffiilllleedd iittss ppaarrkkiinngg ggaarraaggee.. TThhiiss bbuuiillddiinngg wwaass tthhee hheeaaddqquuaarrtteerrss ooff oonnee ooff tthhee mmoosstt ppoowweerrffuull ccoorrppoorraattiioonnss iinn tthhee UUnniitteedd SSttaatteess:: tthhee AAmmeerriiccaann CCiinneemmaa,, RReeccoorrdd,, aanndd OOtthheerr SSttuuffff SSyynnddiiccaattee...
"What's wrong with the picture?" Hyatt asked.
"Yeah, what's going on?" Excel griped. "It's all blurry and duplicated and dark and messy!"
"That's the 3-D conversion," Il Palazzo answered. "It's supposed to be seen with special glasses, but here it just looks like a terrible mess. But that's not important right now. The reason that nobody is buying tickets at the theater is because the entire movie was leaked online!"
"Ah!" Excel stammered, alarmed now. "No ticket money... no ticket money... I won't be rich. Dirty pirates... Dirty pirates! Sons of bitches! You're stealing from me! You all owe me ticket money! Il Palazzo, do something! Make Screwtube take it down!"
"It's too late," Il Palazzo replied. "Screwtube isn't the only place it's been uploaded. The video is trading hands worldwide thanks to filesharing networks. Everybody has seen this movie now."
"No-no-no-no-NO!" Excel fussed. "It's not fair! This is despicable! I've been screwed! Of all the stupid..."
"But that's a good thing," Hyatt answered. "If everybody's seen it, that means we got our message out. We can control them now!"
"...should me more like China!" Excel finished.
"I wish that were the case," Il Palazzo responded. "But take a look at the video's statistics."
Excel went rigid when she saw the video's dismal stats.
"Half," she whispered, breathing unevenly. "Just half... of one star? But there's a mistake! Surely, only a few people have seen this one! Maybe it's just a few malcontents out to make us look bad!"
"There are seven-thousand ratings," Il Palazzo replied. "Half a star is the average. And look at the comments."
Excel and Hyatt looked on, the former looking increasingly devastated with each post:
HyperSniper69: This sux whut is Hollywood trying to pull (+248)
xxCODGuruxx: LAME. I've taken shits that look better than this crap. This isn't anything like what the trailer promised. Lies! (+503)
GokuRocksDBZ: Absolutely terrible, and I saw it coming a mile away. Hollywood needs to keep its hands off of Japanese animation. It doesn't translate into live action, and nobody in charge there knows what they're doing! Maybe this response will make them think twice about butchering Akira... (+9001)
"They hate it," Excel whispered.
"Your mission," Il Palazzo began, "Was to collaborate with Hollywood and produce a movie that would broadcast our message everywhere in the United States. In this, you succeeded; everyone can see the movie in its entirety, even though Hollywood is upset at losing money. But this movie also needed to be something that everybody liked. We needed to endear ourselves to Americans everywhere so that they would submit to us. But now, thanks to this movie, we now look like fools to everybody."
"In other words?" Excel whimpered.
"You failed."
Tug.
"I-could-have-been-RICH!" Excel screamed on her way down.
Franklin Yates, you've fucked me for the last time. I quit!
-Skip Turner
Experiment Phase: Hollywood Bastardization
Status: Failed.