Title: Gone With the Air Lock Containment Field
By: Rumors of my Death
Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Federation starship Enterprise, was standing in the middle of a wide open grassy field. The sun was shining brightly in a cloudless sky, but it did not blind him thanks to a conveniently placed tree that filtered the golden light through its leaves. As Jean-Luc took in the scenery, he noted this would be an ideal place to have an old-fashioned Terran style picnic. Sure enough, when he looked down at the grass next to his feet, he saw a wicker basket sitting on top of a red and white checkered blanket.
Jean-Luc Picard was not impressed.
"Q!" he bellowed.
"Oh, Jean-Luc, you're just in time for a lovely brunch!" Q was sitting in the tree, dressed in clothing probably meant to resemble typical mid-20th century Earth teenage attire. "I'm so glad you got my invitation! I was worried for a while when you didn't RSVP, and interstellar telegraphs are so unreliable these days!" Q jumped down from the tree, made a perfect landing, and proceeded to sit on the blanket.
"Put me back on my ship!"
"Ship? What ship? Ah, yes. That old tin can. Wouldn't you rather stay here and enjoy some of the finest wines and cheeses this side of reality?" Q patted the space next to him.
"Actually, if you truly care, I would rather be on my ship, where it is my responsibility to seek out new life and understand its and our place in the universe.
"Oh please, you humans believe all your technology is so well equipped to discover the secrets of the universe, when in fact things like your pitiful ship are nothing more than the culmination of all of humanity's bad ideas. Like a toy that a child can easily choke on." Q had only appeared seconds ago, and he had already enraged Picard.
"The Enterprise is one of the best ships in all of the Federation. She has withstood tremendous damage defending colonies on many planets, engaged in countless attacks against the Federation, pushed to beyond her intended speed limits by my Chief Engineer and, most notably, has aided in some of the most important scientific discoveries made so far this century! No matter what you may know of the true nature of the universe, Q, you obviously have no knowledge of starships." Picard was now out of breath, so he paused, only to see Q gazing up at the sky. "A starship is not a toy!" Picard yelled.
"Hm? Were you talking all that time?" When Q looked at Picard, he got his answer. "My apologies, Mon Capitin. It seems my attention was drawn to something far more interesting than one of your speeches. But I do congratulate you. You are one of the most long winded humans I've ever observed, which says a lot about your lung capacity."
Picard felt his fury consume his body. He was hot with it from his belly to his head to the tips of his toes. He knew if he were in one of those ancient animation programs, another character would probably fry an egg on the top of his head. He was sick to death of Q and his medaling ways."And you are one of the most impetuous, arrogant, annoying, selfish, rude excuse for a life form that I have ever met!"
"Oh, please. As if I could be more annoying than that Betazed person you're always complaining about."
"What? I enjoy Deanna's companionship and her advice, a great deal more than I enjoy yours, I might add!"
"Oh, no. Not the little half breed. The older one, her mother."
"Lwaxana?" Picard was deeply confused. "What do you care about her?"
"I don't care about her. I was simply pointing out that I can hardly be worse company than she is. After all, you never left one of our encounters at Warp nine." Q seemed to be a bit perturbed, but he quickly regained his smug air.
Fury was making Picard's face heat up even more. At least, he hoped it was fury. "You've been spying on me?"
"Oh don't be so naive. Of course I've been spying on you. The trial never ends, after all."
"I don't see what Lwaxana Troi has to do with humanity's potential." Picard knew he had played right into Q's trap. Instead of continuing to insist Q teleport him back to his ship, Picard was fully engrossed in the conversation. He wanted to try and comprehend what ever it was Q was trying to tell him. He wanted to prove he could understand things beyond his normal reference.
"Tsk tsk, Picard. You of all people should understand everything is connected. Do you not remember the lessons you've learned? Perhaps I should have chosen to bestow my ultimate knowledge of the universe on some elephants instead." Q sighed.
"You haven't 'bestowed' us anything!" Yup, the fury was back. As much as Picard prided himself on his control of his emotions, Q seemed to be able to knock down all of his defenses with one comment. "You simply come and go as you please," Picard continued, " Throwing us into impossible situations we have no way out of, just so you can have a good laugh!"
"Picard, Picard! Where is all this anger coming from? Don't tell me you have already given in to the frustration of comprehending the universe with your limited intelligence?" Even though Q wore a concerned frown, he still managed to look smug, as if he had known all along this would happen.
"Q!" Picard started to yell, then calmed himself, "Q, I can assure you I will never, ever cease in my quest to better myself as a person by attempting to understand the universe and reality in which I live. However, I will not indulge you personal vendetta against me and listen to your insults or your meaningless claims!" By the end of it, Picard had started to yell again.
"I try to make your life interesting, meaningful, and all you ever do is yell at me! And for what? For dragging you away from your precious starship. For interfering with your precious crew. I even offered to become part of your crew, and you rejected me! Me! You could have asked me to do anything, anything, and I would have done it! My knowledge of the universe is infinitely more expansive than yours! And you just throw that knowledge away! Do you know how much time I have wasted with you pitiful humans trying to get you to understand? How much I have defended your kind only to be mocked and berated? Did you know, I am the laughing stock of the Continuum for putting such blind faith into you mortals as I have? If anyone has a right to be angry, it's me!"
Picard looked at Q, who seemed sincerely upset. "Look at me," thought Picard, "Feeling sorry for an omnipotent imp who causes me and my crew nothing but trouble." He decided to use Q's current emotional (if the entity really had feelings) state to his advantage. Picard wanted more than anything to get back to the safety of his ship. He took a deep breath.
"I am sorry," Picard started, "I can only begin to imagine what you have been going through these past years."
Q looked skeptically at Picard and issued a prompt "Thank you."
"I mean, I would never have guessed being on the other end of a speech could be so boring." Picard looked at the flabbergasted, all-powerful entity in front of him. He continued, "I usually enjoy speeches on ancient Earth, and particle physics, and the history of the ethics of man. But to listen to drivel that is none of your concern, it's just... awful. And to think, that I have subjected you to so many speeches in the past, most of which much longer than the one you just iterated to me. So, once again, I apologize."
Q looked as if he had just been punched in the stomach after witnessing a super nova mere meters away. Q and Picard stood still for a while, before Q spoke, without looking at Picard.
"You want to go back to your ship." It was a statement more than anything else, but Picard guessed there were layers of underlying meaning.
He wasn't sure if he should respond or wait there, but just in case he said, "Yes."
"Fine." Q retorted immediately.
Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Federation starship Enterprise, was on the bridge of said ship. He took in the scene of his bridge crew moving around quickly, fulfilling their duties. He listened to the whir of the computers that constantly surrounded him. He watched as his senior staff worked excitedly to analyze and better understand the strange phenomenon that had occurred near the planet Taurus. He was surrounded by some of the closest friends he's ever had.
Jean-Luc Picard suddenly felt very alone.