Naomi's Explanation
Naomi's sorrow at the window had brought Emily upstairs. Neither knew why, but Naomi knew that she had better try to explain her heart to Emily, or this could really be the end of it, and how would Naomi survive that?
You turn my world upside down. Let's face it, being with you makes me feel terrific, and when we're alone, I'm so desperate to touch you; its cliché!
"I feel incomplete without you, and want you with me for every second, but I want you so dreadfully, its obsession; guess I understand the stalker thing pretty well, huh?"
"I wish that I could have explained it to you, not have you hurt. I wish that you could understand that I never wanted to hurt you; I think sometimes that I am just damaged."
"It's always been me! I'm the only one that I can rely on, and always have been. Every once in a while, I forget that; I let myself slip, and trust someone like Kieran. The perfect someone, until I trust him. He's my teacher. He's supposed to safe! And he kisses me; then he shags my mum."
"Every time that I can free my mind from this trap that you have my heart and my hormones ensnared in, my brain makes me wonder if I can really trust you! I want to. My heart knows I can, and yet, it's so hard. I tried to prove to myself that I could be without you, this summer."
"I remember you kissing me, the second time, in Panda's bedroom. I remember saying to you, 'you're gay!' and you answered in such a quiet, 'yes' ".
"I still didn't know if I could be happy with a girl, though I did know that I really wanted you to touch me, and to be with me; I just didn't know how much was the MDMA, how much was wanting to be wanted, and how much was you. I recognized the attraction; I would never deny that, but there are times when I feel that attraction with Cook. (Well, I feel it until he is close enough to be real, and then, he kind of makes my skin crawl)."
"This summer, when you were so far away, you still held my heart, but my mind, my panic could find moments, seconds really, sometimes minutes, when I could imagine myself without you. I was scared; sometimes, I am scared, about how important you are to me. Sometimes I don't know if I could breathe without you here with me, and I wonder how I survive each second we're apart. I lose myself without you, and that's terrifying! How can that be sane, or normal?"
"She came up to me at the Open Day. I was at the Open Day because, without you, I would have gone to Open Days; I never even considered Mexico or travel, without you. You make me want those things, as much as I want you. She came up to me! And it was nice."
"It was nice to just talk to someone without any expectations, without any pressure, without any future. And I could be me. Strong me; independent me; not the helpless me that I feel I am, when I am with you."
"I don't want to be me with you; I want to be better. That takes a lot of energy."
"We talked. And it was easy. And it was electric. And when I touched her, I actually felt her. You know that you are the only girl that I have ever touched… had ever touched. I didn't know if I could touch another girl. If I can't touch another girl, then I don't know if I'm gay, and I don't know if I trust myself to be with you. And I know that this all sounds so fucking lame. I know that I shouldn't have used her, but it didn't feel like using her; she wanted me."
"And you had J.J."
" I'm sorry, that's not the same; I shouldn't have said that. I just want this to all be alright. I'll do anything. I just want to take it back. I want to take back hurting you. I want to take back the Open Day and take back Sophia. God, how I wish I could take it all back."
With that Naomi collapsed onto her bed, and cried, an anguished, inconsolable cry. Emily was so torn, between her own hurt, and her desire to comfort Naomi after her confession; Emily was so unsure of herself.
It had taken her two years to tell Katie that she had kissed Naomi, and not the other way around. It had taken her two years to be able to say aloud I'm gay. Maybe Naomi needed sometime too. She was alright in public, but Naomi's demons, Emily knew, had always been inside Naomi's mind. Emily had always known that she liked girls… she liked one girl, but Naomi was caught unaware, maybe she did need time. Her mind replayed their parting in the clearing: Twice! You're going to do this to me twice! Don't you dare leave me, in your bed, again. I know you Naomi. I know you're lonely, I think you need someone to want you. Well, I do want you, so be brave, and want me back.
In betrayal, Emily had to ask herself, has that changed? Do I still want Naomi? I must! I still want to hold her, to comfort her, when she hurts. I guess I'm the fool thinking that a cat flap, and a little hand holding had made everything alright. Will the third time really be the charm? Oh, fucking hell, what do I do now?
Emily lay down beside Naomi, curled Naomi into her protective embrace, and cried too. They lay there for hours, until exhaustion lulled them into a defeated sleep. When Naomi awoke, it was she who had been left in bed.
As restless as the night had been though, the before night gave her hope that she could somehow fix this.