4. Feeling One's Way
Yumi wakes up kissing. She is responding before she is fully awake, opening herself up to Sei. It is still dark out, but it feels lighter. It must be very early, she thinks, her mind waking up. She is buried deep in a cuddle, as Sei holds her tighter, her kisses becoming more intense. Her hands are moving on Yumi's body, waking up other parts as well. This is how they spend their first morning together before the alarm disrupts them. They both sigh in disappointment. This turns into sleepy excitement as Sei mentions that they need a shower, and that she is sorry that there is no time for a bath. Yumi mutters in passing that to save time they should shower together, but that she does not care as long as she gets clean. This causes Sei to pause as she picks up their clothes. She looks up at Yumi, who is feeling modest this morning and is wearing a sheet toga style. A grin is curving Sei's lips, and she has a twinkle in her eye. Yumi's heart skips a beat, and her groin pulses at the sight of Sei's happy beautiful face, her gaze dropping involuntarily down Sei's body, which is still available for viewing this morning. This only makes Sei's grin grow, laughing as Yumi blushes.
An hour later they are at the train station, eating food bought from the convenience store inside it. After her interesting shower experience, Yumi put on her uniform, and with it the weight of the day. She is quiet, waiting here with Sei, chewing on a pork bun. She can feel Sei's interest in her mood this morning. Sei knows what they have to do, and she is waiting for Yumi to open the conversation. When, did I start knowing what Sei's looks say? Yumi wonders. When did I start reading her? She sighs and smiles, finishes her bun, and meets Sei's gentle regard with her own. Sei's face is a study of careful happiness. Her countenance in the dark of the early morning, lit only by the cold glare of the station lights, is like a painting, by an artist with an eye for the ambiguous. Careful happiness is nothing if not an ambiguous look. She does not want to believe that this is real, or that it can last, Yumi knows this, because she is feeling much the same. Looking at the girl beside her, she feels made of spun glass. She is feeling delicate. Sturdy enough for use, but will shatter when dropped.
Now Sei is holding her hand, the natural warmth of her spreading into Yumi. Knowing the source of Yumi's quietness, Sei speaks first.
-Whatever happens, Yumi, I'm here. Do you want to tell her alone, or...
-Honestly, I don't know. I don't want her to feel like we're railroading her, but I think you should be around so she can speak to you. I mean, she already lost Shimako to you, now me.
-It makes me sound like a cad, Yumi-chan.
-You are! A blackguard and a thief.
-Don't forget dirty old man.
-I didn't, but it's been said so often, I wanted to be more original.
They laugh a little. A hollow sound, as they do not find anything really funny.
Yumi sighed.
-But it's true.
Sei is thoughtful at this from Yumi. She raises her face to the darkness above, her profile sharp in the lights.
-I was only trying to make her jealous, at first. Really, I never had any intention of stealing you. I care deeply for Sachiko. And I think you are the best fit for her. There is no guile in you, but you are aware of her.
Sei looks back to Yumi, her eyes serious, her grip on Yumi's hand tightening.
-I wanted to wake her up to your presence in her life. Wanted her to see you more, as a person, not just a project. It was later I realised that she had already fallen for you. And I was jealous. I am jealous.
-Sei...
Sei shakes her head.
-I want to say this now, before we step back into that world. I don't know when it happened. I don't know when my liking you tipped into wanting you. I don't know when teasing you became more. It happened very quickly Yumi.
Sei is pulling Yumi closer, her hand under Yumi's chin, tipping her head up, capturing her, making sure all of this is going in.
-I really love you, Yumi-chan. I really am in love with you.
She steps back against the wall of the station, pulling Yumi with her, away from the lights, and the other commuters who are beginning to gather, one at a time. It is still dark enough for camoflage. Cupping Yumi's face with her warm hands, she keeps her in place, their eyes on each other, staring into each other.
-I am not sorry for what happened. And I will not apologise to anyone for it, not even Sachiko, who is going to be hurt, badly, by this. I am in love with you, and I will not let anyone take you away but you.
And Yumi has it, the confirmation she wants, the real one. The words that come when they are not caught up in the excitement of each other's touch. It has been playing around the edge of her consciousness, keeping her from fully committing her heart to Sei, even after last night. She wants to hear Sei, her senior, say this, with a clear mind. Wants to hear that she is loved. Yumi is sixteen, and has given so much, and taken so much from Sei. She wants to know if it means something. She wants to know not just if she means enough to Sei, but does Sei mean enough to her. Enough to break another girl's heart. Not just any girl, but one of the most important people in Yumi's life. Sei is leaning in, and is kissing her. Her lips warm and inviting. Yumi feels her sex relax, and she wants Sei all over again. She responds to Sei, a hunger in her, wanting her more than ever.
Yumi knows now that there are many kinds of love. The love she feels for Sei is new and exciting. It is, however, serious. She has never felt more serious about another person. This is something beyond the bounds of their school life. They are not Lillians' here. They are Fukuzawa Yumi and Satou Sei, and they are kissing in a train station early on a Saturday morning, and in their heads, they are a million miles away from anything that does not directly involve them, right here, right now.
Yumi breaks the kiss, pulling back, breathing heavily, full of want and need. Tell her, she thinks, tell her now, because Sei is vulnerable now, is so open now, Yumi cannot bear the thought of Sei hiding from her ever again, She can feel the other girl's heartbeat against her.
-I love you.
She does not stutter, stumble or hesitate. Because she is sure. It comes out of her smoothly and confidently. She is in love with her. She was right in what she said to Youko. She did think she was falling in love with her, and had been falling for months. Now she has landed, landed and been cushioned by Sei, who loves her back. She runs her hands up the front Sei's gaberdine, and holds the lapels firmly in her grasp. She shakes them slightly, emphasising her point.
-I love you, Sei.
Sei lets out a breath of air that she seems to have been holding for a long time. Maybe months, so laden is it. Yumi does not find this surprising. The realisation might be new, but the feelings have been there for a long time. Yumi came into the Yamayurikai because of Sachiko. Sachiko with her elegance, her beauty and infinite blue eyes. She kept coming because of her fascination with her. She stayed because Sachiko respected her, and Yumi found true feelings in herself for Sachiko. More than platonic, but less than sexual. Yes, a thrill runs through her when touched by her Onee-sama. Yes, she has wondered about the taste of Sachiko's lips. Has wanted to run her hands through Sachiko's long black hair, feel the coolness of its silky length. She has harboured a crush, which looks very distant now. Sachiko touches her so often, but her touch never offers promise. Comfort and welcome, which Yumi appreciates and loves. But not desire.
Yumi came to the Yamayuikai because of Sachiko. And then there was Rosa Gigantea. Then there was Satou Sei. Then there was desire.
Yumi has felt Sachiko's possessiveness. Has felt the heat of her jealousy. Yet no part of her considered it desire or want. At least, not until recently. When she was awake herself to what her body can offer, the delirious swirling of hormones, the ache and crave of touch, does she see what Sachiko might be trying to communicate. A thought occurs to Yumi now, gazing into Sei's lightening face, does Sachiko know, really, what she wants from Yumi? All Yumi has to go on right now, is that others notice different behaviour from Sachiko since Yumi accepted her rosary, and her own sudden sensitivity to all things tactile. There is a chance they got it wrong, about Sachiko's feelings. Yumi considers the last few days. She is feeling a little overcome with some nameless emotion.
And the train is coming, before she can open her mouth to ask Sei's opinion about this. Sei is pulling away from her, picking up her school bag. She holds out her free hand to Yumi. Yumi grabs her own bag, and then Sei's hand, and they are on board and moving. There are people in their carriage, so they content themselves with sitting close together, their shoulders rubbing, their hands resting on their own nudging thighs. With their school bags between their feet, they look out at dark scenery, moving towards another day in school.
-Crap.
Yumi looks at Sei in surprise.
-What?
-We have detention today.
Yumi groans, having completely forgotten about it. Then blushes as she thinks about why they have detention.
Sei catches her eye, and smirks, letting Yumi know that she knows why Yumi is blushing. Sei starts laughing, a rich sound, a woman's laugh. Yumi joins her, her blush fading, and thinks that, yes, she knows what desire is, and yes, she is sure that she knows what love is.
Rei and Yoshino are already in the Rose Mansion when Yumi and Sei get there, and appear to have made some progress with the paperwork that is piling up. Sei slumps into her usual chair, and desultorily begins leafing through her particular pile, mentioning that she will be on the phone a lot today. Yumi is at the kitchen area, choosing tea, and a coffee for Sei, who is cultivating more of a hangdog expression as she begins writing out a list. When it is ready, she brings over the coffee, and Sei rewards her with a blinding smile. Yumi brutally resists the urge to lean down and kiss Sei. Something must show on her face, as Sei quirks an eyebrow, and gives a small warning shake of her head. Yumi moves quickly back to the kitchen to get some tea for herself.
Yumi settles in to her own work. There are voices now in the foyer, and always on high alert for her Onee-sama, Yumi hears her, speaking with someone, and then the tread of their footsteps on the creaky staircase. It turns out to be Youko accompanying Sachiko. There is a chorus of good mornings. Yumi's heart starts beating very fast as the older members of the Chinensis family sit down. Sachiko gives a warm, slightly dreamy smile to Yumi. Sachiko is not a morning person, and perhaps is still dreaming. Yumi smiles fondly back, and is back in the kitchen, waving away Yoshino's offer of help.
Youko is teasing Sei about something, and they both laugh. Sei calls Youko lady, and calls to Yumi, informing her that she has the most amazing grand soeur in all the school. Yumi turns to look at them, confusion, wariness and curiosity warring for dominance in her gut, a little fearful of Youko's attitude to her this morning. Youko's usual sharp gaze is soft with humour, as she sees the expression Yumi is unfortunately wearing. There is sympathy there too, Yumi sees, and she relaxes for the first time since she put her uniform on this morning. Relaxes into the warmth of her Rose family. Youko explains that she managed to get them both out of detention, on the promise that they be more careful. Youko, a more serious note underlying her light tone, requests that the both of them do not make a liar out of her.
Yumi bows to Youko, and promises, solemnly, that she will avoid that at all costs. Lightening the mood somewhat, Youko tells Sei that in return for this magnificent favour that she, Youko, has bestowed on her, she can take her cleaning duties for the next week. Sei complains with mock seriousness that Youko never does something just to be nice. Youko acts wounded, and says that far too many people are nice to Sei, anyway, for no apparent reason, which is more than she deserves.
And so the light hearted bickering goes on, as Eriko and Shimako arrive. More good mornings, more displays of Yumi's tea making skills, and finally, everyone settles into place, and time passes quickly. Sei is the first out of her chair, saying that she needs to go use the phone in the school.
The bell sounds, and the Yamayurikai breaks apart. They are gathering their things, tidying up. Sachiko turns to Yumi, and asks her to walk with her to the school building. Yumi smiles and acquiesces. They walk behind the others, just the two of them, not saying anything, just enjoying each others company. Yumi is walking very close to Sachiko, her arm rubbing against her as they walk. She occasionally slides her eyes to the side to take in Sachiko's profile, and sees that the dreamy expression is still there. Yumi wants to tell her, while she is looking so gentle. Wants this to be somehow easier. Perhaps she will think she is still asleep. Yumi shakes her head at the notion. Yumi is gathering her courage, trying to spool it into some cohesive form of action, to make words. She feels the need to talk to Sei again, to get reassurance, as that conversation got waylaid this morning, as they were swept along on the wave of their new found love.
Yumi moves her hand, and touches Sachiko's. They are nearing the school and Yumi is running out of time. She has to arrange something now, so she is not springing a surprise on Onee-sama. Sachiko likes to be aware of where she is going and what she is doing at any particular time. Sachiko stops and turns to Yumi her face clearing of sleep She has that slightly inquisitive look in place. It is a look that seems Yumi is most often on the receiving end of.
-What is it, Yumi?
There is that special way Sachiko has of saying Yumi's name. She briefly thinks of the first time she actually heard Sachiko say her name, in this same lilting fashion, and she thought at the time that she would melt into a puddle of bliss. Of course, she has gotten used to being addressed by her Onee-sama. However, at certain times, she still gets deliciously agitated when Sachiko uses her name. Like, surprisingly, now. Despite everything, Yumi thinks, chagrin colouring her thoughts, the crush, the attraction, is still there. Which is making the immediate future a hard place to go to.
-How do you know?
Yumi is genuinely curious how Onee-sama knows she has something to say. She finds it hard to believe that Sachiko would be as aware of her as she is of Sachiko. There is a part of Yumi that is always feeling like she is not good enough for Sachiko. There is a part of Yumi that honestly believes that Sachiko likes her well enough, as she has proven many times, but Yumi is careful not to overstate her importance to Sachiko, or her place in her life. In simpler terms, Sachiko is Yumi's Onee-sama, and thus is more important to Yumi than Yumi is to Sachiko. Sachiko's clear blue eyes are on Yumi. A look like a caress.
-Of course I know Yumi. Your whole body broadcasts that you have something to say.
Yumi is making a decision. Sei and her had not really come to any conclusion this morning. Yumi got the distinct impression that Sei would follow Yumi's lead on this. Yumi's decision is to talk to Onee-sama alone. She was right in her original thought this morning. She does not want Sachiko to feel like they are ganging up on her. This is a conversation for the the two of them alone. Yumi is still holding Sachiko's hand, and Sachiko is looking very curious by now, amusement quirking her smile, raising her eyebrows.
-Tell me Yumi?
Yumi takes a deep breath, and commits herself.
-Meet me in the greenhouse today, Onee-sama? After we are finished at the council?
-Is there something wrong?
How to answer that? A little yes, a little no.
-I just want to talk with you.
Yumi is finding it very hard to meet Sachiko's clear gaze. She knows that this is giving away her tumultuous frame of mind. She is split on how she feels about this. Part of her wants Sachiko to misread it as embarrassment, that she is shy at asking to spend some alone time with her Onee-sama. Another part of her really wants Sachiko to suddenly become psychic, or super intuitive, and guess at what is going on. Anything so Yumi does not have to say the words out loud, anything so she does not have to do this. Yumi feels cowardly just thinking this. Feels that she respectfully and lovingly owes Sachiko a lot more that some mumbling request, an imprecise call to her Onee-sama.
Yumi steels herself, forcing her backbone to grow a little. She meets Onee-sama's eyes full on.
-Onee-sama, there is something I want to talk to you about. Something quite important.
The amusement is leaking out of Sachiko's features now, and there is a shadow of worry replacing it.
-Are you sure nothing is wrong, Yumi? You look so serious.
-I...I just need to talk with you.
And Yumi suddenly realises, that yes, she really wants to talk to her Onee-sama. Feeling very selfish and foolish, she can feel tears threatening. So much has happened in the last few days of her life, and there is so much she is keeping inside. So much she does not share with Sei, because when she is around Sei, her brain does not function properly any more. That Sei, who was the person she ran to when life became confusing, is now the person she is sleeping with, the person she has fallen in love with, and it is not something that can be discussed with her classmates, or her brother, or anyone, really. Yumi feels quite young and lonely. She stops at this thought.
Selfish or not, she is feeling a huge need to have Onee-sama hold her, to press them together, and get lost in the smell of her. To feel the comfort that Sachiko, when she is soft, when she is accessible, can offer. Sachiko is looking very concerned now. She reaches up her other hand and cups Yumi's cheek. Her hand is warm against Yumi's coolness. She runs her thumb over Yumi's cheekbone, and squeezes her hand. Yumi looks into Onee-sama's eyes, the concern lying there is undoing her. Sachiko needs to know.
-Yumi, please, tell me what is wrong.
The kindness warming the cool, silky voice is tearing at Yumi's conscience. She steps into Sachiko, pressing herself against her senior. She can practically hear Sachiko's surprise at her action. But Yumi cannot look at her right now, so bad is she feeling. Yet she wants to be close to her Onee-sama, wants to feel the comfort of her. With her head resting on Sachiko's shoulder, she feels the other girl move her hands until she is hugging Yumi to her. Girls are walking past them, hurrying on their way to class. The second bell will sound any moment.
-Will you meet me at the end of the day?
Yumi whispers in Sachiko's ear.
-Of course I will, Yumi. I am always here for you. You only need ask.
-I…
-Yes?
-I need you now, Onee-sama.
This is the smallest voice imaginable. And Yumi hates herself for this. Hates the weakness in her voice, in herself. Hates the way, that even now, she is manipulating Sachiko. I am setting this up, Yumi thinks, her arms around Sachiko's waist, hugging tighter, trying to bury herself in Sachiko. Yumi knows that there are certain tones of voice that Sachiko responds to, and loves when Yumi appears needy. There is truth in it, though. Yumi is very needy right now. She is overwhelmed by the past few days. Her emotions have been in roller coaster mode, and for the first time, she is starting to calm down and assess her situation, gauge the consequences of her actions. She has fallen in love, lost her virginity, been responsible for taking someone else's, and now she has to tell her Onee-sama about all of this. The Onee-sama who may harbour romantic feelings for her. And even if everyone has gotten the situation wrong, she will consider Yumi with Sei a loss, and therefore, intolerable.
-We have to go to class, Yumi.
Yumi pulls away from Sachiko, rubbing at her slightly leaky eyes. They hold hands again as they walk into the shoe changing area. They break apart then, as their shelves are in different rows. Sachiko rubs Yumi's shoulder in farewell, Yumi offers her a watery smile, and they are parted. Yumi enters her class, glad to see that the teacher has not yet arrived. She smiles at Shimako, and then at Yoshino who are already at their desks. Yumi goes to her own, and something that she did not have a chance to think about before occurs to her. What about Shimako? Will Sei tell her own petite soeur about them? Will Shimako care? Yumi turns her head to consider Shimako. How will you feel, if you find out? Or rather, when Shimako finds out. She considers Shimako's pretty profile for a while longer. Guilt is creeping into her thoughts now. It feels too much. She wishes she had not thought of Shimako. It is too much.
-Yumi-chan? Earth to Yumi-chan!
Yoshino is calling her. She snaps out of it, and turns to Yoshino. Yoshino's cute elfin face is alive with humour.
-Where did you go?
Yumi chuckles at Yoshino, shaking her head. She runs her hand over her face, rubbing it, massaging her hot eyes.
-Far away, Yoshino.
Yoshino cocks her head to one side, her eyes becoming more serious.
-Everything ok with you, Yumi?
-Fine. Don't look at me like that. I'm fine. Just tired. End of a long week.
-I don't believe you, Yumi.
Yumi looks at Yoshino, sharper than she intended, as Yoshino suddenly backs off. Holding her hands up in supplication, her features are contrite, but her eyes are still serious.
-I'm sorry, Yumi. Really. I didn't mean to be so blunt. But you look off this morning. You have looked off all morning.
She lowers her hands when she see the effect her apology has on Yumi, who is slumping. She reaches over, resting one of her hands lightly on Yumi's.
-Can you tell me?
Yumi looks up at Yoshino. Her friend is worried about her. Yumi feels a rush of affection for Yoshino, and this pulls a smile onto her face. A vague notion, a blip in her mind, that, yes, Yoshino is very pretty, and charismatic, and Yumi would guess that she is a very good kisser. Her smile freezes in place.
What. Was. That?
Yumi puts her face in her hands, and takes a deep breath. Her world is changing in many ways. But Yoshino? Yumi starts giggling.
-Oh, Yoshino.
Yoshino squeezes Yumi's hand, a question on her face, coupled with a smile as she naturally reacts to Yumi's giggle. Yumi sobers up as the teacher enters the classroom, and they all stand. Amid the noise of people sitting back down, chairs being pulled back into place, Yoshino turns to Yumi again.
-Any time you need anything, Yumi-chan...
Yoshino deliberately leaves the sentence hanging, waiting for a reply.
-I know, Yoshino. Thank you.
Yumi whispers, as they both turn their eyes to the front, and the first round of what passes for intellectual stimulation begins. Yumi sighs inwardly. She looks over at Shimako again. This she will leave up to Sei, and if Shimako has anything she wants to discuss, Yumi will be available. She has enough worry in the form of Sachiko. Yumi settles this is her mind, yet the feeling of guilt remains. Yumi reminds herself that she is not stealing Shimako's Onee-sama. Not even borrowing her. They just, well, fell in love. This is something she will have to make clear to her own Onee-sama also. She is still her soeur, still Sachiko's Yumi. It is just she is dating someone. Someone who happens to be Satou Sei. Yumi's stomach tightens at the thought of the coming conversation. Of all the possible outcomes, calm acceptance is not one of them.
Her mind switches off to everything around her, as she goes further into her thoughts. Sei is very far away from her now, and Yumi feels a grievance at this. They made no arrangements to meet today at all, and Youko made no mention of a meeting at lunchtime. Yumi cannot go up to the third floor looking for Sei. That would not look right at all, and possibly, in their village of a school, spark a rumour or two. And the newspaper club are not at all shy about extrapolating the most innocent of gestures. They take their club activities seriously. To a rather ridiculous degree, in Yumi's humble opinion.
Yumi decides to go to the greenhouse, and hope that Sei is missing her and has the same idea. Yumi is reasonably confident that Sei is missing her. At the thought of her senior, she fills with such an intense longing, that all other thoughts are pushed from her spinning mind. She wants the peace she finds in Sei's arms, the sureness, the unambiguous acceptance that has bloomed there. She wants the heat of Sei's kiss, the fire of her touch, to see the cool grey eyes light up when she sees Yumi. She wants to hear the sexy laugh that she has learned that Sei gives when she is truly happy and satisfied. A shiver runs through her. Yumi feels a secret delight in the fact that she is the only one to have heard that particular laugh. So vivid are her recollections, she can almost feel the warmth of Sei's breath on her skin. A familiar tightening in her crotch, and she is sliding down a little in her chair, knowing nothing will relieve it but Sei.
The history teacher has no chance with Yumi this morning.
Bells ring, teachers change, all of them suffering the same fate with Yumi. The lunch period is finally here, and Yumi groans in pleasure that she is free for an hour. She throws her books from the previous class into her bag, and pulls out one for the class after lunch. She is standing up and about to leave the classroom, when Yoshino reaches out and catches her hand.
-Have lunch with us today, Yumi.
She is nodding at Shimako, who is finishing off some notation. The three of them, up until recently, have lunch together at least every second day in the Rose Mansion, or in the classroom. If it is just Shimako and Yumi, they sit around the back of the building, a place Yoshino does not particularly enjoy spending her lunch hour. Yumi is shaking her head, feeling a twinge at the fact that she has not been keeping her friends company for the last few days. I need to fix this, she thinks, knowing that she will only have so many chances, even with people as nice as Yoshino and Shimako. But not today. Yumi needs Sei today.
-I can't today. I'm sorry, really, but I just want to spend some time alone.
This is incredibly lame sounding, and they both know it. It is possibly the worst excuse anybody could use, and to try and have it believed by another teenage girl is really asking for trouble. Yumi is uncomfortable lying at the best of times, those few times she felt she had to, and this is no different. However, there is nothing else she can say. No vestige of the truth can she give to her friend. Forgive me, Yoshino. For the moment this is a necessary lie.
-Again? I'm not going to pry, but my feelings are dangerously close to being hurt.
Yoshino is smiling as she says this, but there is an undertone, a note of warning, that only someone who spends a lot of time with her would detect. She is still holding Yumi's hand, and Yumi feels that twinge again. She makes silent promises that she will make it up to Yoshino. Yumi holds Yoshino's hand a little tighter. Finding words to make her excuses is hard. Yumi does not like people worrying about her, does not like to worry people, especially her friends. But here she is, and she is going to have to let Yoshino go for the moment.
-I'm really sorry Yoshino. I just have to be alone at the moment.
She taps the side of her head with the fingers of her free hand.
-It's just really busy in here at the moment. Give me some time?
She injects a note of pleading into her voice, asking Yoshino to drop it for the time being. It occurs to Yumi, that it is amazing the things people say undercover of words. What would those covert conversations sound like, she wonders. What human tongue can give sound to them? Yoshino is not smiling, is not quite ready to forgive Yumi.
However, she hears the plea in Yumi's voice, and she deflates a little. The sharpness seeps out of her, and she is giving in for the moment, if not giving up. She lets go of Yumi's hand. She quirks an eyebrow at Yumi, letting her know that all is not well, but she can rein in her curiosity and concern. She will respect Yumi's privacy. This time, the look says, in no uncertain terms. And Yumi understands her, understands that Yoshino it not driven by pure nosiness. She is concerned and wants to be of help. Yoshino cannot help her with this. Yoshino breaths out hard, shaking her head a little.
-See you later, then.
-See you later.
Yumi finally gets out of her classroom, and walks to the exit, changing her shoes on her way. She is picking up her pace, subtly. She remembers to stop and pay her respects to Maria-sama this time, then she is on her way to the greenhouse. This place, she thinks. Until the day she dies, the smell of it will be there. As it comes into sight, she can see there is someone there already, standing against the door. She picks up speed again, not quite trotting, but not far off. She gets closer, and sees that it is who she wants it to be. Her heart constricts. She slows down her approach, not wanting to be literally running into Sei's arms. She is coming closer, and she can make Sei out clearly, now. The cold afternoon sunlight filtering through the trees, highlighting Sei, picking her out against the backdrop of the greenhouse. Sei, she can see now, is leaning against the door, her face up to the light. She looks so carefree, as she enjoys the light on her face. There is no heat in this sun, but the imagination is a powerful thing, Yumi reasons. Her uniform fits her well, her long slim frame making the most of a garment designed to hide the female form.
Yumi is coming closer, and the sound of her passage alerts Sei, who turns her head to her, her eyes opening. And she is standing up straight, now, her face open and happy, and she is beautiful. Yumi feels her body responding to Sei, so strongly that she is slowing down again. She is smiling at Sei, her heart, which felt squeezed moments ago, is now expanding, like it is breathing out. She feels the thick wave of desire flow through her. Like treacle, or honey, perhaps caramel, something sweet and slow. Something that is delicious. Something that is a treat. Something special. She looks at Sei with clear eyes. She is walking closer to her, she is a couple of meters away. I see you, Satou Sei. And you are my lover. And you are my friend. And I am glad you are with me.
She is within arms reach now, and Sei opens the greenhouse door, and gestures for Yumi to proceed her, a grin on her face, a softness in her eyes. Yumi goes in, and Sei follows her, closing the door behind them. They are wrapped once again in the almost sepia tinged space, light passing through dirt and moss and age to reach them. Sei is pulling Yumi back into her, her arms around her waist.
-I hoped you would come. We never said anything, so I took a chance.
She is whispering, low and intimate in the shell of Yumi's ear.
-I wanted you to come. I so badly wanted you to come.
She breathes into Yumi.
Yumi is turning in her arms, sliding her hands up to Sei's shoulders, her fingers entwining in Sei's soft hair.
-So did I. I really wanted you to be here. And you are. And so am I.
Yumi smiles as she says the last part, her fingers connecting behind Sei's head, and she pulls her down. Their mouths meet in a moment of heat and carnality. And they are surging against each other, pressing so close, pushing into each other, as if they never stopped from where they left off this morning. A different melody, perhaps, but the steps of this dance are still the same. Sei angles them toward the back of the greenhouse, to the bench they have been making use of for the last couple of days. Yumi stops at the bench, leaning against it instead of sitting on it. They do not break their kiss, even as they are pulling their ties apart. They maintain this kiss as zippers descend, as they push the uniforms off each others bodies, and they try to gain access to as much flesh as they can. Hyper aware of the passage of time, as people will be who live their daily lives by the sound of a bell, they do not want to waste the time that is allotted to them. They want each other now, frantic to be with each other, rushing and pushing as they know what each other can give now, as their hands find their way into each others underwear.
Yumi feels the wetness of Sei against her fingers, and she moans into Sei's mouth. Then the sensation of Sei touching her, slipping around her clitoris, rubbing and touching, driving Yumi to distraction. Yumi uses her own fingers on Sei, so turned on just by being able to do this, she is dangerously close to losing it. Sei is moaning, low in her throat. She breaks the kiss.
-Inside me, Yumi. I want you inside me.
Her voice is weak with need, breaking slightly, her eyes flashing as they meet Yumi's, and Yumi is melting into this, melting into Sei, losing herself in this moment, this moment that will never be long enough. I will never have enough of you, she thinks, sliding her fingers home, home to Sei, causing the older girl to writhe, pulling from her a sound full of lust. They are creatures of their flesh now, and Sei finds Yumi's opening, and is quickly inside of her, thrusting hard into her, the vibration of the action alone causing ripples of orgasmic delight to emanate through Yumi. They are performing an ancient dance now, their movements as old as humanity. They are rocking against each other, inside of each other.
Whispers pass between them, sing song sounds they are crooning into each others ears, words that hold no meaning outside of this context. The words eventually devolve into moans, that mean the world, and at the same time, nothing at all. The moans escalate into cries, neither of them paying much attention to how loud they are, forgetting where they are, drowning in the depth of their relationship. Yumi feels the pressure, the welcome addictive pressure of her immanent orgasm, not sure if she is going to be able to hold on, wait for Sei. Sei is showing no signs of slowing down. Yumi can feel Sei tighten around her fingers, and her body loses all control. She comes crying Sei's name, her new prayer, over and over, and pleasure rushes through her body, like liquid lightning. Her movements in Sei become faster and harder as she rides out her orgasm, still moving on Sei's fingers. It feels like seconds later, Sei follows her, her body shuddering, her vagina clenching on Yumi's fingers, Yumi's name a full blooded cry of bliss, as once again, Yumi experiences the power of bringing another so much pleasure. Enough pleasure to create love out of lust, enough pleasure to turn hormones into a spiritual reckoning.
They collapse against each other, sweaty and spent, breathing hard. They resume kissing, and Sei's knees buckle, and they are sliding to the floor. Yumi gently pulls her fingers out of Sei, causing Sei to shudder again, and she puts both her arms around Sei's shoulders. Holding her close, Yumi rests her face against Sei's chest, hearing the racing heartbeat of the other girl. Sei pulls her own fingers out of Yumi, and Yumi hums out the brief spasm of pleasure this causes. Sei is holding her now, her chin resting on Yumi's head. The peace Yumi knew she would find in the shelter of Sei's arms descends on her again. Her body is quiet, as is her mind. For a few minutes, at least, the world falls away, and they are just the two of them, and all of her worries stay hidden beneath a patina of calm. She knows it will not last long, as they will have to say goodbye again until later. That their time together will not always be like last night, when they had the whole night to explore and love each other. More often than not, Yumi thinks with a little bit of sadness, until they are free of the usual constraints of school life and pass into adulthood, what they will have is stolen moments like these. The occasional sleepovers, as much as parental concern will allow for, membership of the Yamayurikai not withstanding.
Despite all of this, or perhaps because of all of this, Yumi feels blessed to have these times at all. So her brief sadness is tempered. Sei is in her arms, and she is happy with this, and to ask for more at this point is to risk all of it. This is something Yumi is unwilling to do. She would rather be able to have Sei some of the time than none of the time. What if Sachiko asks her to give up Sei? The thought is disturbing her calm. Would Onee-sama ask her to do that? She might, Yumi reasons. At least until Sei graduates. Yumi would not agree to that. Or would she, considering if Sachiko brings her considerable influence to bear on Yumi. Yumi is not sure how Sachiko is going to react, not really. She is conjecturing, and frightening herself into the bargain. There is only one way to find out Sachiko's reaction.
-Sei?
-Hmmm?
-I'm telling Onee-sama tonight.
Sei leans back to look at Yumi. Her face is calm, and her lips are red. Her eyes are sympathetic.
-Do you want me with you?
This is Sei. She gives Yumi the choice. She rarely makes assumptions about her place in her life. And even though their relationship has altered hugely, she is still not imposing herself.
-No. It's a conversation for just the two of us. But thank you for offering.
-Thank you for having the courage to do it alone, Yumi. If you asked, I would be there, but it would feel wrong. You were right, this morning. She will want to talk to me, and that will be a conversation for Sachiko and I to have alone also.
Sei leans back further, releasing Yumi from her hold. She begins to shrug her uniform back onto her body. As she does so, Yumi feels around Sei's uniform until she finds her pocket. She slips her hand in and pulls out the watch she had last time they were here. They have twenty minutes left before the first bell. Yumi shows the watch to Sei, and Sei nods. Pulling her bra back into place, and half zipping her uniform, she moves around Yumi, to sit down with her back against one of the legs of the bench. She stretches out her long legs, and pats the space in between them. Yumi grins at her, rearranging her underwear and uniform, and crawls into the space, resting back against Sei.
Sei gently pulls Yumi's head back so she can reach her arms over her shoulders. She zips up Yumi's uniform the rest of the way, and properly knots her sailor collar. She smooths the edges out, running her hands over Yumi's shoulders, down her arms. She lifts Yumi's arms, and finishes by hugging Yumi around the belly. Yumi rests her arms on top of Sei's, her hands playing with Sei's fingers. She is relaxing into Sei, sinking comfortably into a morass of no where and every where thoughts. She marvels at the quietness of her body. Marvels even more at her awareness of it. She worries over Sachiko. Worries over Yoshino transforming into Detective Yoshino, and seriously getting on her case. She feels happy with Sei, feels safe and secure. But she is still keeping her thoughts to herself. When did this happen, she idly wonders. When did I start keeping my own council around her? She is right here, Yumi can ask her anything, ask her opinion. Sei is always honest with her, as far as she can tell. And yet she feels a slight prickling. As if she would burden Sei now. That she might worry her. She wryly qualifies that point: more than she has already.
-I can hear you thinking again. Talk to me?
-Am I especially quiet lately?
Sei rubs her jaw along Yumi's cheek, ending the movement with a kiss just before her ear.
-You spoke to me more. We get distracted around each other now. I don't want to lose that part, Yumi. I value your openness. Your ability to ask for help. It's rare. I never like guessing with people, what they want. Now, I find myself in a position like that with you. Talk to me?
Yumi raises her hand to stroke Sei's cheek, and turns her head, her lips finding Sei. They share a kiss, brief and sweet.
-I think it's because you already know what I'm worrying about.
-Tell me anyway.
And Yumi does. She talks about Sachiko, and how she loves her. She talks about Yoshino guessing that something is up with her. She talks about Shimako. She talks about the lies she is telling her friends, and her underlying worry that this is just the tip of the iceberg. She talks about her love for Sei. How she was sure so suddenly. How ambivalent she was, and how it just snapped into place. She does not, however, talk about her continuing attraction to Sachiko, or the effect she has on her, or the idea about whether Yoshino is a good kisser or not. These things she has not fully sorted out in her head yet, these things are hard to articulate. She does talk about the things she can.
She can feel herself become a little lighter as she talks. The quietness of Sei is a balm to her troubling mind. She has so much to worry her at this moment in her life, that Sei quietly absorbing her words leaves her a little emotional. Nearly as emotional as she was this morning with Onee-sama. She so badly wants to talk, so badly wants to share all of this. And now Sei has said she wants to hear her. Another needless worry about burdening Sei vanished. But she is still stuck with the question: who does she talk to about Sei?
Sei answers when Yumi runs out of steam. She calmly and candidly puts the world back in order for her. She introduces the perspective Yumi has been sorely missing. Sei is kissing and stroking Yumi all the while, as her humour works on changing Yumi's brain chemistry from worried to less worried. Sei is mature and caring, but she is not a miracle worker. Yumi will worry until it is over, and that is the fundamental fact of the whole situation. She will worry until she speaks to Sachiko, will worry until she speaks with Yoshino. Will worry until Sei makes up her mind about Shimako. But none of these are insurmountable problems. Nothing that will not pass.
-This place Yumi, has a way of making you think that this is your whole world. That what happens here is an indicator of life at large. This isn't true. We are here for a few years, while we are minors, and then we leave. And another life begins. You are the only one who controls that life, Yumi. Whatever happens there, you own. But it's good to get a little practice in. Use high school for that. Use Lillians for that, where there are people who will cushion the blows. We are part of the Yamayurikai, and no matter what happens, we look after each other.
Yumi takes a deep breath, and releases a lot of tension. Not all of it, because that may be impossible. She does feel immeasurably better, however.
-And I am always here, Yumi.
Gratitude suffuses Yumi at these words. Yes, she does have Sei. She has Sei, who has learned so much being Rosa Gigantea, who pays attention to the world around her, and not just herself. She has Sei, and she is glad. So glad she thinks she might burst. She turns again to Sei, and kisses her. Not sweetly this time, but with passion. All the words she cannot say, all the feelings that refuse to articulate into the air around them, she puts into this kiss. Sei responds, her arms tightening around Yumi, making Yumi feel safe and wanted. I should have opened my mouth before, is Yumi's most coherent though. Sei is right. Being with each other is a distraction. A wonderful, exciting distraction, it got in the way. They need to address that imbalance, and they have the time to do it. But probably not right now.
Reluctantly pulling away from the fascinating sensation of Sei's lips, Yumi glances at the watch again. Five minutes to go. She shows it to Sei, who groans. Yumi gets up first, brushing the back of her uniform, and pulling it properly into place. She holds out her hand to Sei, who uses it to nimbly climb to her feet. With Yumi's unnecessary but wholly welcome help, Sei puts her uniform back together, which for some reason involves a lot of kissing and touching, and they are presentable once again. The very picture of pure maidens.
-Do you want me to wait for you tonight?
Sei asks as they hurry back to the school buildings. Yumi shakes her head.
-I don't know how long it will take. I'm guessing a "while". Onee-sama gets all the time she needs for this.
Sei nods her head in agreement, stopping when Yumi does in front of Maria-sama. Yumi only takes moments, and they are on their way again. It is more crowded as they get closer to the school, and then they are inside. Sei turns to Yumi before they split up.
-I may not get the chance to speak to you in depth before you talk to Sachiko. So best of luck. Call me later if you need me. Or even if you don't! Call me regardless.
Yumi smiles at Sei, who is catching the eyes of a lot of passing juniors. She snaps into being Rosa Gigantea, smiling back, winking at some, replying to the multiple good days she receives. Yumi dares to feel a little smug. I see you, Satou Sei. She smiles at Sei, at Rosa Gigantea, and both of them smile back at her.
-Thank you, Rosa Gigantea. I will. Good day.
Sei snorts, her grin, her sexy grin is in place, and she is shaking her head at Yumi, turning from her.
-Later, Yumi-chan.
She calls out, and she is gone. Yumi cannot help her smile as she goes to change her shoes, and make her way to class. Nodding hello to her classmates, she goes to her desk. Yoshino is already at hers, and she smiles a hello to Yumi as she sits down. Yoshino has seemingly decided not to pursue her earlier line of enquiry, and chats about the usual things they chat about. Currently a novel they are both reading. It is a normal conversation. Yumi feels no pressure from it, and something eases in her even more.
The first bell goes, and Shimako comes into the classroom, going over to them, and joining the conversation. Their banter is light and easy going, their voices blending with the other young voices around them, all of them mixing together to form one voice, one sound, one tone of adolescence, of growing people, people randomly placed together to see their way to adulthood side by side, some knowing each other well, others not so much. And they are one of many classrooms here, in Lillians, a building which is just bricks and mortar, but the living breathing Lillians sits in this building. The bonds that form, the calls to others, the girls who adhere to traditions and keep them alive. This is Lillians. It is the single voice of a single girl. It is the voice of many. It is the sound of feelings never spoken, yet wears the words acceptable to most. It is the sound that no human tongue can truly master.
There are only two classes after lunch, being a Saturday, so Yumi finds herself, with Yoshino and Shimako on her way to the Rose Mansion. Thanking Youko in her head for somehow getting Sei and her out of detention, she strolls along, her mind not on anything in particular. She is feeling a little more secure and in control of herself now. She is still worried, and before long, her heart is going to start hammering, but for the moment, she can be at ease, listening to Yoshino's and Shimako's voices. They make it the Rose Mansion, up the creaky stairs, in through the oddly shaped door. They are the first ones here, and they go about their usual chores. Tea, of course, is the first thing they attend to. Rei comes in a few minutes after them, and then the three Rosas themselves, as they are in the same class. Sachiko is last, her excuse being a trip to the library.
Youko informs them that as of next week, the last of the work will be performed by the en boutons, as college entrance exams will be the priority of the Rosas from now on. Happily, she goes on, most of the ground work is covered, and therefore there will not be too much else to do. Just making sure everything is on schedule, and everybody knows what they are supposed to be doing. As everyone catches everyone else up on what they have been doing, and how much of their assigned workload they have completed. Yumi, once her turn is over, sits back and lets her mind wander. She is thinking that she does not like organising this particular event. Onee-sama has been distracted and sad about it for weeks. And now that Yumi has a vested interest as well, she is finding it hard to put her whole heart into it.
But the graduation ceremony will go off without too many problems. Yumi is understandably upset about this movement in her life. She does not really know Youko well. She knows enough to be cautious of her, and respects that Sachiko loves her. That Youko introduced some extreme, if beneficial changes into Sachiko's life. Something that perhaps Sachiko cannot actually say, but in every look, every gesture or deference, or the freedom of expression she uses with Youko, speaks volumes. Youko taught Sachiko how to open up, and Yumi is now reaping the rewards of that dedicated reprogramming of the Ogasawara girl. For this, and the sage advice her grand soeur gently imparted on some occasions, all contribute to a general feeling of loss in regards to her in Yumi.
Eriko she knows not at all, only that she is a little eccentric, and has perhaps exchanged fifty words with her since Yumi joined the Yamayurikai. She knows that Yoshino is intimidated by her, and that Rei adores her, and this causes some complicated conversations between the cousins, as they tread the fine line created by Eriko in their lives. Eriko is not someone Yumi thinks about much, unless Eriko draws attention to herself. Her feeling of loss there has nothing to do with the person in question, but more the loss of a Rosa she has gotten used to. A breakup of the face of the Yamayurikai she came to know.
And of course. Sei is leaving. Yumi refuses to deal with it at this point. Sei is leaving, because this is life, and life changes. She looks over at Satou Sei, her eyes down, scanning pages as Eriko informs them of the activities the Foetida family were involved with during the week gone past. Yumi examines her beautiful face, the face that caused Sei's own Onee-sama to pick her, at least at first. I will miss going to school with you, Yumi thinks. I will miss you in your uniform. I will miss your face in this room every day. Sei looks up, and meets Yumi's gaze. She grins at her, her head tilting to one side, asking a question. Yumi shakes her head, smiling at Sei. I will tell you later, the smile says. Sei nods, and goes back to what she is doing. Yumi sighs inwardly, and leans back in her chair, her gaze on Eriko, who is still speaking.
At least there is a couple of months before it happens, Yumi consoles herself. The organisation for such a big event starts early in the year, and it makes everything feel very immediate, as is the way in this world. That the people she came to know and love to greater and lesser degrees, pass from her life. Love, another concept that has been twisting through her mind for the last few months. Coming to high school has taught her many things about the nature of love. Yumi smiles to herself. Her life has been altered. She has been altered. These are all good things, she thinks to herself, even if they hurt. If it does not hurt, she may not believe in the reality of what she is feeling. Her mind spins on, and she does not notice that the meeting is drawing to an end. Life does not just happen to a person, not if that person does not let it. What was is it Sei said this afternoon? You own what you do. But not just in life after high school, Yumi amends. Here is just as real, here is just as important. Hurt is hurt, joy is joy, and they cannot be compartmentalised, one era of one's life from another.
She is shaken out of her thoughts by Sachiko, who places her hand on Yumi's shoulder.
-Where have you gone, Yumi? We are finished here.
Snapping out of her philosophising, her eyes meet Onee-sama's. She is drifting a lot lately. She feels her answer on the tip of her tongue: I am growing up, Sachiko. This is not the answer she gives, however. It would be an ambiguous answer to a straight forward question, and she has no wish to muddy any water.
-I'm right here, Onee-sama. As always.
The smile Sachiko gives her is breath taking. Yumi gets out of her chair to begin cleaning up. Sachiko motions that she is going to leave now. Yumi nods, saying she will not be long. Sachiko leaves the room, and Yumi breaths a sigh. She picks up cups, and brings them to the sink, where Yoshino is washing them, and Shimako is drying them and putting them away. Eriko leaves next, calling good bye to the others. Rei is waiting for Yoshino. Youko is talking to Sei, both of them looking seriously at some sheets of paper. The three petite soeur finish what they are doing, and go to collect their personal belongings. Sei calls Shimako to her, asking if she would mind walking with her to the gates. Shimako's only outward display of happiness is a small beautific smile. Sei smiles back at her, before looking at Yumi. She has a look of encouragement there, and another look, this more personal, more intimate. Her eyes are glinting in the last of the afternoon sunlight, and there is promise in them. Yumi shivers and smiles back, allowing all that she feels for Sei to bleed into her eyes. Sei's smile is wicked.
There is a cough, and Youko is looking at Yumi. Yumi blushes and moves toward her grand soeur, Sei turns to Shimako and holds out her hand. The white rose family leave with good byes. Youko is pretending to show Yumi something, waiting for the Rei and Yoshino to leave the room. Yumi plays along, finally waving good bye to the rest of the Foetida family. And she is alone with Youko, and this is making her a little nervous. Youko does not look particularly serious, though. It can be hand to tell with Rosa Chinensis, however. She lets you know when she wants you to know, and the rest is a guessing game.
Without preamble, Youko says what is on her mind.
-Be kind with her, Yumi.
So Sei and Youko spoke.
-Kindness may not be enough for this, Rosa Chinensis.
Youko sighs, her gaze never wavering from Yumi's eyes, boring into her.
-I know. But try, Yumi. Try hard.
-I will.
-Before Sachiko is your Onee-sama, she is my petite soeur. I chose her because I knew others would never take her as a soeur, she was so intimidating. But I never found her intimidating. I wanted her, Yumi. I thought her lonely. I still do. Lonely and interesting and beautiful, and I wanted to know who was hidden under the Ogasawara name, behind that serene face. I have never regretted finding out. You have shown me even more of her. I will always be grateful to you for that. I can trust you with her. So try really hard, Yumi. Be the calm one, be the gentle one.
With one last searching gaze, Youko lets Yumi go, seemingly satisfied that Yumi will indeed do her best.
Yumi nods to her. There is nothing left to say, and Sachiko has been waiting long enough for her. She says good bye to Youko, and hurries out the door, down the stairs and out into the darkening afternoon. She walks at a brisk pace toward the greenhouse, pausing at Maria-sama. After a brief paying of her respects, she continues on her journey. Her mind feels quite out of focus, as she wonders how exactly how she is going to break this news to Sachiko.
She is approaching the the greenhouse now, for the second time today. Her feet carry her onward, drawing closer and closer. Even in the failing light, she can make out the unmistakeable silhouette of her Onee-sama. She is looking out for me, Yumi thinks, and picks up the pace, not wanting to keep her any longer in the cold.
She reaches the door. Pausing for a moment, attempting to gather herself.
She takes a deep breath and opens the door.
To be continued?
Thank you to every one who read, reviewed, favourited, and alerted. I appreciate it greatly.
SaTT.