Author's Note: Don't even get me started. I have no idea where this came from.
This one's for anyone that laughs. :P
Juliet's in the Closet:
Sawyer tapped his fingertips on Amy's kitchen table. He really hated going to these Dharma events at the rec-center where everyone had to dress all snazzy. Horace had decided to ask Amy to be his date. Sawyer personally didn't find any of these Dharma chicks that good-looking, unlike Miles. He'd simply asked Juliet.
He had to admit he also felt vaguely embarrassed when she admitted she'd been asked a few times already. He recalled the next thing out of her mouth being, 'thank God you asked me, because these guys just keep hounding me about why I would say no if I didn't have a date'.
"What do they do in there that takes so damned long?" Sawyer growled out in frustration.
Horace had to laugh at that. "Jim, there are some things us men were just never meant to know."
A few minutes later Amy came out into the kitchen. "We have a problem.." she admitted sheepishly.
"What's that Amy?" Horace questioned, taking note that Sawyer was currently taking a sip of water.
"Juliet won't come out of the closet.." Amy explained in a resigned manner.
Sawyer spit the water he had in his mouth back into the cup. He had to stop himself from breaking out into a fit of laughter. "Say what?" he asked for clarification.
Horace chuckled immediately.
"Juliet, I gave her this dress to wear for the party," Amy explained. "I have a big closet, so she went in there to change, and now she won't come out."
Sawyer cleared his throat. "So.. you're bein' literal then, like.. she really won't come outta' the closet?"
Amy stared at him for a moment before the statement hit her. "Yes.. literally Jim," she said with an exaggerated eye-roll. Though she couldn't help the smile that played on her features in response.
"I'll take care of it," Sawyer stated, his grin reaching from one ear to the other.
Amy and Horace both watched him head down the hall.
"What dress did you give her?" Horace questioned suddenly.
Amy just smiled.
**
"Juliet?"
"Oh god, go away James," Juliet responded immediately from inside the closet.
Sawyer arched both eyebrows up. "Oh come on," he teased. "You shoulda' known I wouldn't be able to resist comin' in here after being told you wouldn't come outta' the closet."
Silence. Then finally a, "You're sick."
"Well geez, blondie, it can't look that bad," he stated, leaning against the door frame by the closet.
There was another bout of silence before she spoke again. "That's not really the problem.."
Sawyer narrowed his eyes slightly. "Then what is?" he questioned. This was ridiculous. He was talking to a damned door.
"Amy's smaller then me."
Sawyer thought about that. "I always thought you looked a little skinnier--"
"Not that kind of smaller," Juliet drudged out.
He frowned now. What the hell kind of small could she mean? "I don't get it.." he finally admitted.
"Men have their size issues James, women have theirs," came her answer.
Sawyer twitched. He couldn't help it. "Ain't no chance in hell you just said what I think you said."
Silence.
"Are you talkin' bout your damn--"
"YES!" Juliet cried out. "They don't fit right."
"Lemme see."
"NO!"
Sawyer rolled his eyes. "Just open the door, Juliet.."
"Screw you, James."
Amy and Horace stood outside the bedroom door with their ears to it, listening intently.
Sawyer wrapped his knuckles on his chin a few times in thought. "I'm sure they look great."
"You're a man," she replied. "You'd think any of them look great depending on who they're on!"
Sawyer chuckled instantly. "Yea', but I ain't never seen yours. Gotta compare and contrast."
Silence.
"Please open the door?" he pleaded.
"I look like a hooker," was the only answer that came.
Sawyer grinned. "My experience, hookers can be pretty sexy."
"You're incorrigible."
"You're making us late, just open the damned door."
"No."
"Yes."
"Fine!" And the door swooshed open.
Sawyer stared at her for a moment before letting his eyes trail downward. "Holy crap," he stated. "I had no idea they were that big."
"Oh my God!" Juliet cried out, pulling the door closed instantly.
Sawyer slapped himself on the forehead.
Horace stared at the bedroom door in shock while Amy was covering her mouth to stop a fit of giggles.
"Oh, c'mon," Sawyer whined. "You can't stay in there forever." He waited a beat but she didn't answer. "Just come back out."
"Go away."
Sawyer smirked. "Well, if you ain't gonna come out so we can go to the party, can I at least come in?"
There was a deadly silence for a full minute before she spoke. "Why the hell would I let you come in the closet?"
Sawyer choked on the air he was breathing as he ran that statement through his mind.
"You suck."
"Do you?" came his instantly reply. He was certain he was going to regret it. He could hear Amy's laughter from the hallway.
"Stop being so sick-minded, James!" came her dignified response.
Sawyer smirked. "I would, but I just saw God's greatest gift to man-kind, and they're hidin' in a closet."
"He's definitely got a pair.." Horace muttered.
"No kidding.." Amy said with a grin. "This is great.. I should invite them over more often."
Sawyer thought for a moment and grinned. Finally he wrapped his fingers around the door knob and turned it. The door opened. He should have known she wouldn't lock it.
"James!" Juliet screeched. "Get out of the closet!"
"Well, ain't no one ever told me that before," Sawyer stated, raising an eyebrow up as he closed the door behind him. "Y'know, I don't see the problem, I think they look good," he informed her.
Juliet glanced down. "Really?"
Sawyer nodded.
"Are you sure?" she questioned, frowning some. "I mean.. cause these boots go really high up, I swear.. but it's the only pair of shoes Amy had to fit me."
Sawyer blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. "We were talking about your shoes?"
"What did you think I was talking about?" Juliet questioned, her hands going to her hips.
Sawyer bit down on his lip. He glanced down at the boots. "Whoa.. those things are hideous."
Juliet opened her mouth in shock. "What were you talking about before then?!"
Sawyer coughed, fumbling around to open the door.
"Oh no, I don't think so, you're stuck in this closet with me James," she told him, shoving him against the door and holding him there using the palm of her hand. "Now just what exactly had you been talking about if you weren't talking about my boots?"
Sawyer let his eyes trail down.
Juliet followed his gaze. "Oh.. my.. God.." she muttered. "MEN!" she moaned out, throwing the door open and causing Sawyer to fall out and land on his ass.
()()END()()
You all didn't honestly think I had Juliet talking about her chest the entire time did you? Silly people.
-Sarah