Wrecking Ball

The house has been trashed.

The house feels so cold.

The house is so dark.

I'm sat on the bed; holding myself…Hiding the bruises, hiding the fact that I have been crying my eyes out and hiding the fact that I'm hurt emotionally and physically.

I couldn't move myself from the bed.

I couldn't get up and face him again.

I couldn't look at the hurt I've caused him as well; I'm not the only one who has been physically and emotionally hurt.

He is somewhere in the house.

I let my tears fall down my face.

I couldn't hear him so he wasn't near me or anywhere outside the room; listening.

10 minutes later…

I get up from the bed; slowly and make my way towards the door that was left open...I didn't want to go out there because it was a dark corridor and I didn't know where he was but I put my hand on the light switch but I went against it and put myself in the corridor.

I looked both ways and he was no where to be seen so I slowly made my way to the stairs case; I could see him. He was sitting on the bottom step; his hands were covering his face, he is crying…I slowly made my way down the stairs but I got to the last few steps and sat down.

I'm not scared or terrified. I'm not angry or cross. I'm upset and confused. I wanted to speak but I dare say a word…He probably hasn't even notice that I'm sat behind him.

I wanted to be in his strong arms. I wanted him to tell me that everything okay and that were both sorry. I wanted him to tell me that he loves me. I wanted to tell him that I love him. But that wasn't going to happen.

The house is dark.

The house is cold.

I stood.

I walked down the stairs and toward the light switch but he grabbed me and pushed me hard against the wall. I didn't look directly into his eyes because I knew that his eyes were going to be ice cold of dark feelings and tears but he forced me to look at him.

His eyes were dark. His skin was pale white. His mouth looks like ice. His curly hair was still perfect but messy. His hands were cold. His heartbeat was going fast.

I was trapped. I couldn't go anywhere so I continued to stare into his eyes and hope for him to say something but he didn't say anything...He put his cold, white lips against mine. I put my arms around his neck; bringing him closer to my body…His kiss was a lot rougher than usual but more passionate at the same time.

We broke apart and I rest my forehead against his, trying to catch my breath back but it wasn't long before he stood back and looked into my eyes again.

I broke the contact with his eyes and on the light switch; I didn't like the darkest and he knew that very well but I slowly moved my hand to the light switch but he spoke…

"Don't"

I was shocked. He actually spoke. But I didn't understand why he didn't want the light on.

I wanted to ask why but he walked off; I didn't know whether to follow so I went towards the stairs to go back upstairs and into the bedroom…I put my hand on the light switch. I needed to pack my stuff so I turn the light on.

I looked around the room; the bed sheets were messy, covered in my blood, covered in his semen and torn clothes on the floor. I let the tears fall down my face; I wanted to turn the light off and forget what I just saw but I really needed to pack my stuff up and sort myself out before leaving.

I moved further into the room and got to my bag; I got some fresh clothes out…I got my mirror out and looked at myself. My make-up was a total mess; my lipstick was wiped off, my mascara all down my face and my hair was a lot messier.

It took me a good half an hour to sort my face, hair and get my fresh clothes on. I looked at myself in the mirror; the bruises he left have been well hidden. I sighed and got my jacket.

I turned to look at the room again. This was probably the last time I was going to see it like this but I turned the light off and headed towards the stairs.

He wasn't sat on the step so I walked down the stairs and looked around to see if he was anywhere and he wasn't so I walked towards the front door; I put my hand on the door knob and twisted it slowly, I turned to look at the dark house and I saw the kitchen light on but I didn't dare go in there so I slowly open the door and left the house.

Once I was outside; the fresh air hit my face, it was cold outside but I had no choice but to walk away from the house. I walked down the path and saw the dark streets; I went into my jacket pocket and notice that my car keys weren't in there. I turned to look at the house but I couldn't go back in there so I walked down the street…I knew where to go but I didn't know if I wanted to go there either.

I really had no choice but I stood outside another house that had lights on and I saw my best friend in the window, holding a little baby. I finally broke a smile but I walked towards the door and knocked on it.

He answered the door; he looked confused but I broke down in tears, he wrapped his arms around me and got me inside the house.

I have been sat down on the sofa with my two best friends both wanting to know what was wrong but I didn't really know how to tell them because they probably wouldn't believe it.

"Cait…" She said, putting her hand on top of mine.

I looked at her with a weak smile.

"What's wrong?" His brother asked.

I just had a big sigh and looked directly into his eyes. His eyes weren't dark, just soft and worried but I spoke.

"It went terribly wrong"

I could tell his brother knew what I was on about and so could my best friend; they both had a worrying look on their faces.

3 years later…

I watched the snow fall.

It was snowing so heavily I could feel the cold from the other side of the window as I looked out of the window. But I haven't seen it snow this much since that time three years ago…

I never went back to the house.

I never saw him look so cold like that again.

I never had him touch me again.

I couldn't say sorry to him. He couldn't say sorry to me.

But there was nothing to be sorry for. I wasn't marked for life; the bruises went away after a few days, I stopped bleeding after a few weeks and I stopped being so afraid to face him after a year but when I did see him; my heart melted and I couldn't stop myself but have a proper look at him.

It true what people say about him; he hasn't moved on since I left but then I haven't moved on since I left him. I told my friends a year after things had happened and they didn't know what to say.

I really wanted to go up to him and tell him how hurt I was. But then I had a feeling that he was feeling the same because when I did see him after a year…Our eyes were locked on each other and I could see the soft and sweet boy I had melt when I was 11 years old.

I knew when my heart had melted; I knew it was love but he obviously didn't love me like I love him but then again it has been three years and he still hasn't moved on from our relationship. I knew he was out today so I got up and left my best friend house.

I got into my car and drove to the house that I left three years ago in complete darkness. I stood outside; I looked down at the key I had in my hand…I unlocked the door and went inside. My heart was breaking.

The house was tidy.

Nothing has changed. The wall were all still the same color.

The kitchen was still the same; he still had my mug in the cupboard, he still had the food and coffee that I brought into the house still in the cupboard. I went into the freezer and was shocked to see that he still had the ice-cream in there. I closed it all up.

I went into the dining room; everything was still in it place and the pictures were still about…He still had the picture of us at Camp still hanging on the wall. I would always cry whenever someone showed the picture because that was the first day he said that he love me and always will. I turned around and open the double door.

The living room was still the same apart from his mug was on the coffee table and a few magazine and paperwork. I walked towards the door and headed up the stairs.

The guest room was still the same.

The bathroom was still the same; he still had my toothbrush, he still had my old hairbrush and still had my shampoo and conditioner.

The last room I came to was closed. I stood outside the door but I didn't want to go in because the memories still haunt me. I put my hand on the door handle and turned it as I fully open it…The room was still the same; the old bed sheets were still on the bed…my bag and old clothes were still where I had left them three years ago.

It had then hit me; he hasn't been in this room…He hasn't been staying here or he has but not sleeping in this room. It didn't hurt that he hasn't been in here to sort the room out but he hurts that he left it. I knew he still lived here because his brothers said he does…Maybe he sleeps in the guest room or on the sofa.

I saw my old car keys on the floor; I dare touch anything because he would probably know I've been in here and looked. I let my tears fall down my face; I sat down on the bed where I sat three years ago when he left me.

I still don't understand where it all went wrong. I thought we did it all right and everything was normal pain but he obviously didn't think it was normal.

We bruised each other; not badly but enough for people to question what actually happened.

We kissed each other like normal apart from the last time was rough and passionate like it didn't really mean anything to him or me.

I remember it all. I just have to look at the bed sheets and see my blood and his semen on the bed ("Come on harder" I said harshly.)

It was too much for him.

It wasn't our first time but it was our first time being a lot more physical. I wanted him to be in charge and a lot rougher with me (He forced his four fingers up me so hard I screamed)

He notice the tears that came down my face because once he was fucking me; I had screamed and begged him to stop but he didn't realize I was begging for him to stop.

I couldn't handle him being rough with me. He didn't do it on purpose.

Once he did realize; he had got off me so quick and threw himself to the floor, crying and begging for me not to forgive him.

I did forgive him but he wouldn't accept it.

He had never made me bleed so much apart from the first time we had sex but he knew that would happen we both knew that would happen.

I did physically hurt him myself.

I got up from the bed and left the room but I notice he was leaning against the wall by the stairs. I was surprised he was standing there. He looked at me with them eyes.

I walked closer to him; keeping the eye contact. He looked up and down at me and then back to my eyes. He broke the silent.

"What…?"

"What am I doing here?" I asked him.

He nodded.

"I don't know" I answered.

He was shocked.

I was shocked at my answer as well.

"You shouldn't be here" He said after a good 10 minutes of silence.

"Why haven't you changed your bed?"

"I haven't been sleeping in there"

I was surprised.

"Why?"

"Painful memories…I still hate myself for what I did to you…"

"But I wanted it"

"You begged me to stop and I didn't listen"

"It no one fault…I never blamed you"

"You should"

"Well I don't"

"You should go"

"No"

"Go"

"No"

"Please…I want nothing of you here…I don't want you to suffer the memories"

"I suffer with them everyday"

"I still love and miss you but I can't"

"Yes you can"

"No I can't Caity…"

"I still love you Nate"

"I hate myself Caity…I was suppose to look after you"

"I was suppose to look after you as well"

"And you did but I didn't"

"What makes you think you didn't?"

"I hurt you badly..."

I nodded.

"I didn't want to…"

"But we did it because I was asking for it"

"We didn't realize how bad it was until I finally stopped"

I nodded.

"I raped you Caity…"

"I don't think like that…It not rape if I can stand here now and talk to you"

"You need to go Caity…Please"

"We can be together forever Nate"

"Please…Just go"

"Nate…"

"Caity…I'm begging you to go"

I nodded.

I walked down the stairs; I knew he had followed because he stopped me from going out of the door. We were so close to each other; our lips met.

3 hours later…

We both sat on the guest bed. We were both fully dressed.

He was angry. I could tell but I broke the silent.

"Nate…"

"Go Caity…"

"Nate…Please, I love you"

"GO"

I nodded.

I stood up and left the bedroom; I got down the stairs, I turned to see him standing at the top of the stairs looking at me. I let my tears fall down my face but I looked my keys and took his key off and I threw it onto the floor.

I left the house.

4 years later…

"Are you ready Miss. Gellar?"

I nodded.

I took to the stage and spoke in the microphone.

"Hi…Um, I'm going to sing a new song I wrote" I spoke.

I saw him come in the room and sit at the back behind my friends and our little girl.

"I'm going to sing a new song I wrote 4 years ago"

I started playing…

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I re-open my eyes to see him still sitting there.

Everyone was clapping the hands for me.

I smiled and I looked at him.

He wasn't smiling or clapping his hands.

He didn't know that after that day he told me to go that he had got me pregnant with our little girl, Lucy.

I didn't want him knowing because he would still push me away and want nothing to do with us.

So he wrecked my life.