The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters got a bad review. Just some more madness that came from my tiny little mind. Takes place right after the events of Night At the Tuntmore.
Vacation Guru Gives No Stars
"Well that was a complete and total disaster of a night," Cyril yawned as the agency staff finally returned to the office in the late morning after a very harrowing evening and early morning. An evening and a morning filled with death, destruction, failure and cyborg chickens. And the CIA being extremely ticked off at them.
In other words it was a typical week for the agency.
"More like a farce," Lana groaned. "Literally a farce. In fact if you look up farce in the dictionary, I guarantee that you will see what happened last night as an example!"
"Let's see, ludicrous improbable situations, check. Buffoonery, check," Archer counted off. "Comedy…That would be Cyril getting slapped for jacking off in the elevator…Check!"
"You know…?" Cyril glared at him.
"Yeah. Definitely a farce," Archer groaned as they entered Mallory's office. "Why can't Mother wait until Monday to yell at us?"
"I agree," Krieger yawned. "Getting into a brawl and having wild robot chickens run amok is exhausting."
"How did you of all people manage to get into a brawl?" Ray asked.
"There were these musicians that insulted Rush," Krieger said. "I couldn't stand for that."
"And you took them down by yourself?" Ray asked. "I ask knowing that you didn't!"
"Weeeeelllll…" Krieger scratched his head. "I might have had a little help with some friends of mine."
"I don't even want to know the rest…" Ray grumbled.
"Trust me, you don't," Krieger said.
"I don't either even though I'm going to have to pay for renovations," Cheryl waved. "Oh what the hell? Let my board of directors worry about that. That's what they're paid for. Or whatever else I pay them for."
"I need a night at a fancy hotel to recover from my night at a fancy hotel," Pam agreed.
"At least it wasn't as bad as San Marcos," Ray shrugged. "Almost as bad but not as bad."
"I have to agree," Krieger admitted. "Rampaging robot chickens and a brawl in the bar is way better than fighting my own clones and dealing with a nerve gas missile."
"And even though there were a few fires and a few people died none of us got hurt," Ray said. "Particularly me. I'd probably give this only a three on the disaster scale."
"I was only involved in one brief mob chase and a gunfight," Archer shrugged. "And my suit was barely wrinkled…This was only a three for me. I got to annoy Slater so that's always a plus."
"Yeah I'd have to give that a three too," Cyril said. "Oh dear God. What does it say about us when we actually have a ratings system on how big a disaster our missions are?"
"I would have preferred to wait until Monday to hear Mallory's complaining about how we screwed up with the CIA without even trying. Then I would have at least been able to leave AJ with the nanny," Lana sighed.
"She's fine Lana," Archer waved.
"I just worry about leaving AJ alone," Lana looked out the door.
"Oh for God's sake Lana!" Archer groaned. "She's sleeping in her crib in your office which is only down the hall. And she's swaddled up tighter than Harry Houdini in a straightjacket. She'll be fine. Besides Mother is only going to pointlessly scream at us for an hour then go back to her drinking."
"Well I thought you idiots would like to know exactly what damage you caused!" Mallory sneered as she stormed into the room.
"Besides the fires and the bullet holes and the wrecked bar and destroyed restaurant in my hotel?" Cheryl sniffed.
"Yes Cheryl…" Mallory growled as she began to pour herself a drink from her bar.
"And the twelve car pileup right outside the Tuntmore?" Cheryl went on. "And like a couple people were injured and stuff? Oh and the dead arms dealers?"
"Yes Cheryl…" Mallory let out a breath. "Besides that! For starters our standing with the CIA has gone downhill faster than Pam's resolve at a bear claw convention!"
"Who cares about that?" Archer scoffed. "The CIA has always looked down on us!"
"May I remind you again that this office is commissioned by the CIA?" Mallory snapped as she sat at her desk with her drink.
"Like you'd ever let us forget," Archer rolled his eyes.
"And yet you always seem to do," Mallory glared at him before taking a drink.
"Here we go…" Archer groaned.
"The CIA pays us money for missions!" Mallory went on. "No missions! No money! And more importantly, if they choose to they can shut down this office again! And this time it would be for real! And the little…Oh let's call it what it is…Complete and total disaster last night is not going to reflect well on us!"
"Especially you," Archer snorted. "Let me guess this meeting is really about you bitching about your so called reputation being tarnished!"
"Well I'm not going to lie to you," Mallory groaned. "I had a little meeting with Bunny the head of the Merry Maidens."
"They totally kicked her out of the club," Cheryl added with a laugh.
"And it was strongly suggested that I resign from one or two other clubs I go to," Mallory sighed. "And I've been disinvited in advance from one or two fundraisers."
"Like almost all of them," Cheryl snorted.
"On top of that a few other friendships I used to have…" Mallory paused. "Well they ran their natural course."
"Into the ground," Cheryl added. "Especially when one of them found out that Ms. Archer had an affair with her husband a few years ago due to that adultery website going public!"
Mallory let out a tired sigh. "Let's just say my social calendar is going to have a lot more room in it than it used to."
"I'm amazed people in high society haven't completely cut you dead already!" Cheryl added. "I mean. You haven't exactly made the best of impression on people over the years!"
"Cheryl!" Mallory growled.
"Like when you and Ron had that open marriage and you hit on that one woman's husband?" Cheryl went on. "Or the time you made that bomb threat to bump Trudy Beekman off Skytanic and then a real bomb went off?"
"The three or four times you drunk dialed a few of your high society friends when you were wasted on Absinthe," Ray added. "And a few other drinks."
"The Jackson Wainscott funeral," Pam added. "And a few other funerals we went to over the years."
"Admittedly a lot of them were for people who worked in this office," Ray told her.
"Yeah and there was a lot of people who died," Pam said. "And I mean a lot of them. So you gotta figure word gets around."
"Especially with Archer hitting on all the widows," Cyril added.
"Hey that actually works at least two out of five times!" Archer snapped. "It's called grief banging!"
"It's called being an asshole!" Lana barked.
"Not to mention a lot of people who used to work for us that didn't die and managed to get jobs at other agencies are definitely pissed at you," Pam spoke up. "You know for the whole shutting down the office thing and losing their jobs?"
"And getting them arrested for treason too," Lana added.
"Fake arrest for treason!" Mallory corrected. "The charges were dropped."
"Yes, but they were still left without jobs," Lana told her. "And I'm guessing when they were told this spy agency was illegal they were pretty pissed."
"They were," Pam nodded. "I know for a fact a lot of them are holding a grudge and badmouthing you and this agency every chance they get."
"I think some of them are writing screenplays about this agency," Ray added. "I really should do that."
"There's a lot of other places and people that are pissed at us," Krieger said. "Like the owners of all those bars we're banned from."
"That restaurant you went to and you pulled that gun on a waiter," Ray added. "And not only insulted the host of that dinner party you scared her so much she had to go to the hospital because her experimental skin surgery froze her face when she screamed."
"Oh remember the time you invited that senator and his wife to dinner and Archer's hooker date totally had an overdose right at the table?" Pam said to Mallory. "Passed out right in the middle of the main course."
"They didn't even stay for dessert," Archer admitted. "Left right before the ambulance did."
"They never came to your place for dinner again," Pam nodded. "In fact they just stopped being friends with you period."
"And then there was that other dinner where that other hooker and that UN Defense minister were killed by assassins," Cheryl went on.
"Which you hired," Lana looked at Mallory.
"I mean yeah we covered our tracks but you gotta figure the fact he and the hooker died the same night as your party has got to get back to you in some way," Cheryl added. "And then there was that fancy restaurant you just had to go to where the Albanian Ambassador was murdered."
"Under our watch. And the State Department vowed then and there to never use our agency for any of their work," Lana sighed.
"They probably still hold a grudge over that," Ray added.
"And another grudge over that other international incident with those ambassadors of that principality about a couple of years ago," Lana added. "So you have to figure they must talk to some people. And five will get you ten some of them are in other government agencies. Like the CIA."
"Or the Secret Service," Cyril added. "Which should have been a red flag for them before they hired you to send Archer for that mission…"
"Which ended up in a drunken shamble causing them to tell us they were never going to hire us ever again," Lana added. "Thank you for that Archer!"
"Oh you're welcome!" Archer spat back sarcastically. "How about when you and Cyril got us kicked out of the New York Library? Oh wait. That was me too."
"You also did your part in alienating us with ODIN, Interpol and a few other security agencies," Mallory snapped. "As well as sleeping around with anything…And I mean anything in a dress connected to my friends in high society! Oh and having two children out of wedlock!"
"That we know of," Ray spoke up. "The way he runs around like a dog without a leash I'm surprised there's only two!"
"Yeah Archer could have like a whole litter of bastards all over the world somewhere," Pam added.
"Probably mostly in the Pacific region," Mallory admitted with a groan.
"Okay you know…?" Archer began.
"Don't forget NASA," Cyril spoke up. "I'm sure they're not exactly happy with us because of the space shuttle we crashed. And stranding a psychotic murdering cyborg on the International Space Station."
"I'm pretty sure the survivors are not too thrilled with us," Lana groaned.
"Then there's that restraining order from Burt Reynolds against you," Ray said. "So you have to figure a few people know about that."
"Mostly in Hollywood so I don't think that's too damaging," Lana corrected.
"True. But remember that awards dinner about eight, nine years ago?" Archer asked.
"Was that the one where she got into a screaming match with the head of the CIA's wife?" Lana asked. "Or the one where she got into a shouting match and insulted the head of the FBI's wife?"
"Oh right there were two awards dinners that year," Archer remembered. "Both actually."
"Wouldn't surprise me if she was having affairs with both men and their wives were not happy with her," Ray grumbled.
"That was pretty much the gist of the arguments yes," Archer sighed. "I think new guys replaced both CIA and FBI heads so…"
"Unless she had affairs with the new guys too," Pam spoke up.
"Wouldn't put it past her," Lana agreed.
"You make it sound like I'm some kind of opportunistic man stealing tramp!" Mallory protested.
"Please! You've had more men than me," Ray waved.
"Which sounds like a really high bar to pass," Archer admitted.
"Which includes some of your society friends' husbands so I'm pretty sure a lot of them are still kind of holding a grudge about that," Pam added.
"Don't forget your constant war with Trudy Beekman who let's face it, a lot of people like better than you," Cheryl said to Mallory.
"Is there a point to all this?" Mallory shouted.
"You were going to yell at us for the stuff we did," Archer shrugged. "Why not turn that back around on you?"
"Mostly Archer," Cyril added.
"Et Tu Master-Bater?" Archer barked. "Damn it. I really had something better for that."
"John Thomas Henry?" Lana suggested.
"Morgan Willie?" Ray made a suggestion. "Or Werner Von Semen."
"Damn it!" Archer grumbled.
"I've got one!" Krieger spoke up. "William M'Naughty!"
"That last one is steam engines," Cyril said.
"Yes but he invented the steam engine prototype that was eventually hooked up to an elevator!" Krieger protested.
"Oh yeah that does work," Cyril remembered. "I kind of like that last one. Makes me sound like a cool rapper."
"It makes you sound like an idiot!" Mallory snapped. "Which is lucky for you since you are an idiot."
Mallory glared at them all. "And you're in good company because you're all idiots! Since none of you understand the gravity of our situation…Once again I have to explain things…For the fifteenth time! My going out and hobnobbing with high society isn't for me!"
"Since when?" Archer asked.
"Since, shut up!" Mallory snapped. "It's about getting contacts for this agency. And information. Information and contacts we desperately need to keep this agency running! Although I admit I'm not exactly sure why I put in such an effort when none of you seem to even care!"
"I don't know either," Cheryl said.
"Big shock," Mallory said sarcastically. "Let me make this even simpler for you idiots to follow. Contacts that are happy…Good! Rich people that will pay you or tell you important things. GOOD! They give money that pays your salaries! GOOD! No contacts, no information, no money…BAD! VERY VERY VERY BAD!"
"I'll tell you what's bad," Archer said. "A hotel with no visible ice machines."
"What?" Lana asked.
"I wouldn't have gotten into that mess if it wasn't for the fact there were no ice machines on our floor!" Archer protested. "If there was a decent ice machine clearly marked on our floor I would have never gone to any other floor looking for one! Ergo, never run into those people…"
"Mostly women who you literally screwed," Cyril added.
"And I never would have ended up in a shootout with arms dealers," Archer said. "So yeah. The lack of ice machines is definitely to blame! And I am going to let Vacation Guru know about it!"
"Who?" Mallory was stunned.
"It's like Trip Advisor," Lana explained.
"I don't know what that is either!" Mallory told her.
"And she thinks we're idiots who don't know what's going on," Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"Yeah we really need to work on our review," Pam nodded. "There were a few other things that could have been done better."
"Why?" Lana asked. "Cheryl who owns the hotel is sitting right there!"
"Yes but my stupid board of directors and my stupid hotel managers think they know what they're doing when they obviously don't!" Cheryl snorted. "Oh my God! I just had a great idea!"
"Stop the presses," Mallory grumbled.
"If you guys put a whole bunch of angry reviews on Vacation Guru I can show them to my board at our next meeting!" Cheryl grinned. "Then I can totally lay into them! Oh that's going to be sweet!"
"Can someone please explain to me what the hell you are talking about?" Mallory snapped.
"Vacation Guru is a travel website that rates hotels, restaurants, museums, and any kind of tourist attraction," Lana explained.
"So it's like Zagat's?" Mallory asked.
"Yes but everyone can write a review," Archer said.
"Everyone who?" Mallory was confused.
"Everyone, everyone!" Cheryl said exasperated. "Jesus! Get the old out of your ears!"
"It's easy," Pam waved. "You log in. Write about a place you stayed at or restaurant you went to. Boom! Your review is up there for people to read and decide for themselves if they want to go to the place you went to."
"Well if you've been to someplace odds are I wouldn't want to go there," Mallory growled. "So who decides which reviews matter? Is there some kind of panel or…?"
"There's no panel," Ray told her. "The general public is the panel."
"And when you say the general public…" Mallory blinked. "Are we talking about a general group of experts and gourmands or…?"
"The general public as in the general public which is everyone in world," Ray explained.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Mallory was stunned. "On this website…which people actually use…Pam's opinion is worth exactly the same as an expert's?"
"That's right," Lana said.
"That is one of the most frightening things I've ever heard," Mallory said.
"Yes Mallory everyone on the Internet is equal," Lana sighed.
"Dear God, George Orwell got it right," Mallory groaned. "The only thing he got wrong were the names. Instead of Big Brother and the Thought Police what he really meant to say was the Internet and Vacation Guru!"
"Geeze do you have to be such a drama queen?" Ray rolled his eyes.
"Let's go write our reviews now," Pam suggested. "And then review some other places we've been."
"Particularly the ones we haven't blown up," Cyril suggested.
"Good call," Pam agreed.
A loud cry could be heard from down the hall. "Speaking of calls…" Lana sighed. "Looks like AJ is calling me."
"I've got her!" Cyril spoke up quickly.
"I've got her! She's my daughter!" Archer barked.
Cyril and Archer ran to the door at the same time and got stuck in it. "You only want to do it to impress Lana!" Cyril snapped.
"Wrong! You only want to do it to impress Lana!" Archer snapped. "I want to do it to impress Lana and prove something! Not sure what, but it's more important than…"
Archer then slapped Cyril. "OWWWW!" Cyril wailed.
Archer then used the distraction to shove past Cyril. "Ha! HA!"
"Archer!" Cyril whined and ran after him.
"Come on! Let's go write some reviews and see some reviews of the places we've been!" Cheryl said as the rest of the gang filed out. Well most of them.
"Wait a minute, we haven't even finished the meeting," Lana began to protest.
"I think it's safe to say the meeting is over," Ray remarked as the others left.
"Lana let me talk to you," Mallory said in a tired voice. "Since you seem to be the only one with a brain cell today."
"Fine! Since you're the father you can change the dirty diaper!" Cyril was heard shouting from down the hallway.
"Uh on second thought it does take a village to raise a child," Archer was heard backpedaling.
"Uh uh. You wanted to do it! You do it!" Cyril snapped.
"You do it!" Archer snapped.
"Phrasing, boom!" Cheryl shouted.
"I don't think it counts," Pam was heard. "Unless the baby made a boom boom."
"Me too!" Krieger shouted. "Oh wait no I didn't! Sorry I just wanted to say me too."
"OW! STOP SLAPPING ME!" Cyril wailed.
"Yeah we can't hear ourselves think!" Ray shouted.
"It's so annoying!" Cheryl yelled back.
"That is not an unfair assumption," Lana admitted as she sat down.
The older woman took a breath before speaking again. "I know it seems that at times I'm a cold hearted woman who only cares about money and status but everything I do is for a reason. It's not easy being a woman in this business. Let alone a female spymaster. Even if you're competent at your job…Even if you're the best there is at what you do…You're constantly passed over by your less qualified incompetent male cohorts."
"I think I know a little what that's like," Lana fought unsuccessfully to keep the trace of irony out of her voice.
If Mallory caught it she didn't acknowledge it. "It's not enough to be good at your job or even have ambition. You have to do what it takes in order to survive and get to the top. I wasn't getting ahead in my old agency so I created my own. And yes I may have had a few liaisons with powerful men to help me. But that was all for the agency."
Mallory took a drink before she started again. "Every high society function…every damn stupid party I went to I was gathering information and contacts. Even every time I went to Sydney's to get my hair done I was going to get gossip and information on high society."
"Is that why you used to go at least twice a week?" Lana asked.
Mallory nodded. "It's amazing how much manicurists and stylists know. It's like a building full of Pooveys and Gillettes in all shapes and sexes. I should hire some of them for agents."
"But they get paid better where they are," Lana quipped.
Mallory shrugged. "You're not wrong there. My point is the more contacts you have in high society and the more knowledge you have about high society the higher you get. And the higher you get the more contacts. It's amazing what people will tell you when they think you're one of them. In the old days I could have handled our little crisis with a few dates but now…"
"Why can't we just get certified as a legitimate agency for real?" Lana asked. "So we don't have to depend on the CIA?"
"It's…complicated," Mallory sighed.
"What it costs too much money?" Lana asked.
"That too," Mallory admitted. "Not to mention time! I mean the process to be certified as a legitimate agency is incredibly time consuming. It takes years! And so many annoying forms! Not to mention background checks which quite frankly most people here wouldn't pass."
"Including Archer?"
"Especially Sterling," Mallory sighed.
"There it is," Lana sighed. "I guess I should count ourselves lucky that at least the treason charges were false."
"Well…" Mallory hesitated. "Technically we were guilty of treason. The agency was never really sanctioned by the government. Just by a few friends I had in high places. And when they all died…Or in some cases went to jail…"
"Oh my God…" Lana groaned.
"That's why I made that deal with the CIA to sell their cocaine!" Mallory explained. "Well that and the money of course. I just didn't think they'd barge in on my birthday, guns blazing and blow up my office!"
"And they killed Brett," Lana added.
"That too," Mallory waved. "Third worst birthday ever!"
"Hey guys!" Archer laughed. "AJ just peed all over Cyril!"
"Gee I wonder where she picked up that trick?" Ray glared at Pam.
"I was going to say the same about you!" Pam snapped back.
"Peeing on other people is different than peeing on yourself," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "It's actually funnier."
"Oh. Right," Pam realized. "Well then I guess Ray has a point."
"Very clear why you wanted to confide in me," Lana groaned.
"Look Lana I know you don't trust the CIA but we need to start doing better as an agency," Mallory said. "And honestly I can't exactly trust Sterling to do everything. Some days I wonder exactly why I even let him become a spy…"
"Oh well that fills me with confidence," Archer poked his head in the door.
"I thought you were with your daughter!" Mallory snapped.
"I was. Then we brought AJ into the bullpen and…" Archer began. "Wait a minute! Don't make this about me!"
"Can anyone get me some paper towels?" Cyril was heard wailing. "Towels? Anyone?"
"That's exactly the problem I had at San Marcos!" Krieger called out. "We should put that in a review!"
"It was a palace, not a hotel Krieger!" Lana shouted. "And it's been completely destroyed!"
"Oh right," Krieger remarked. "Thanks! That's a time saver!"
"What really would have been a time saver was just to simply not bring you people back into this office at all," Mallory groaned as she took a drink.
"That's what I said!" Archer barked. "You couldn't wait until Monday to yell at us could you?"
"That's not what I…" Mallory rubbed her forehead in frustration.
"Not only would you have had the whole weekend to stew," Archer went on. "You could have made one of your dumb lists to make a more concise point! Way to drop the berating and belittling ball Mother!"
"He actually does make a good point," Cheryl said as she poked her head in.
"That is the second most frightening thing I've ever heard," Mallory groaned.
"Hey Archer!" Pam shouted out. "We found that resort in French Polynesia you holed up in for three months! And you're mentioned in a few reviews!"
"Really?" Archer went to look.
"I could mention a few things about him in a few reviews," Lana groaned.
"Ditto…" Mallory sighed as she got up. "This I have to see. Not because I want to but some dark desperate urge inside of me wants to be proud of Sterling for something. Anything!"
"I'm just hoping one of the newlyweds he slept with says he's bad in bed or something," Lana added as she went with Mallory.
"She said knowing that was never going to happen," Mallory rolled her eyes.
Everyone was crowded around the computer in the bullpen. Cyril was holding a freshly changed AJ and his shirt still looked a bit soiled. Pam was at the computer. "Here it is…Randy the Bartender at AJ's hideaway served adequate drinks…" Pam said. "Not that the bar was that great in the first place."
"WHAT?" Archer shouted. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ADEQUATE?"
"Really? That's what you're upset about?" Ray asked him.
"Come on Ray! If there's one thing I'm good at besides being the world's greatest secret agent and picking up women it's my knowledge of alcohol!" Archer barked.
"Since you've pretty much drank nearly every kind of alcohol there is…" Ray grumbled.
"And I've had extensive training in how to prepare cocktails since I was six!" Archer barked. "The only thing separating me from a master bartender is a stupid piece of paper!"
"Ehhhh…" Mallory paused.
"What does that mean?" Archer barked.
"I wouldn't say master bartender," Mallory shrugged. "You still have problems making a gimlet."
"Oh my God Mother!" Archer shouted. "This again?"
"Isn't a gimlet just vodka, lime juice and a splash of soda water?" Cyril asked.
"Exactly! A splash!" Mallory nodded as she pointed to Archer. "This one always puts in either too much or too little!"
"Your definition of a splash is always inconsistent!" Archer snapped. "You are never happy when you have a gimlet because nobody in the world makes it perfect enough for you!"
"Woodhouse does," Mallory raised an eyebrow.
"Besides him!" Archer snapped.
"Ron makes a good one too," Mallory said. "As does the bartenders at Le Cirque. The Tuntmore. Pretty much every bar I've ordered them from actually."
"That's just favoritism," Archer snapped.
"Even Miss Gillette over here can make a passable one," Mallory pointed at Ray.
"There goes that argument!" Ray quipped.
"You don't even drink gimlets that much anyway!" Archer barked.
"Gee I wonder why?" Mallory said sarcastically.
"Here's another review that mentions Archer," Pam read on. "Harry's Hideaway Bar is a great place. If you want to go somewhere to mourn your hopes and dreams when they die."
"Ouch," Cyril winced.
"Yeah that place kind of had an atmosphere problem," Archer shrugged.
"Even for a cheap Polynesian themed bar, the atmosphere was more dismal than usual," Pam read on. "The lack of windows and light only seemed to add to the problem. The band, if you can call a half asleep guitar player, a drunk guy on synthesizer and a tone deaf singer who didn't know half the lyrics…a band of any sort. A group of second rate idiots stuck in the 80's. And not the good part of the 80's. However the sound of drunken depressed men crying in their beers seemed to drown them out."
"The Moonbeam City Band really sucks," Archer shrugged. "It's like a lame copy of a better more original band."
"Of course half the reason these men are crying is because of Bartender Randy," Pam read on. "Who seems to have some kind of side job as a gigolo as he is secretly sleeping with their wives or girlfriends. And worst of all he can't even make a decent gimlet."
"Told you," Mallory scoffed.
"Obviously that was written by one of the losers whose wife I slept with," Archer barked.
"Thank goodness I went to this place on business and not with my wife," Pam read on. "We have enough problems as it is without Bartender Randy making more."
"HA!" Lana laughed.
"Here's another one," Pam read. "Harry's Hideaway is better than ever. Now that they've gotten rid of Randy the Bartender. At least this one can make a decent gimlet."
"It's not that popular a drink!" Archer barked.
"Yeah it kind of is," Krieger said.
"No, it's not!" Archer barked.
"It's one of the easiest drinks to make!" Mallory snapped. "How is it that you can't do an easy drink but the harder ones you don't have a problem with?"
"Because I'm a complex and complicated individual," Archer snapped.
"You're an alcoholic man-whore with an Oedipus complex," Cyril remarked. "Not that complicated."
"Shut up!" Archer snapped. "Put down my daughter so I can slap you!"
"Here's another one," Pam read. "Great news for Harry's Hideaway! Benny the bartender is much better than Randy. Especially in bed."
"Ha!" Lana scoffed.
"Is that one from someone named Rhonda?" Archer asked.
"Yeah, how did you know?" Pam asked.
"She was a regular and a bit of a pill," Archer waved. "Doesn't really count."
"Does the reviews from Vanessa B count?" Pam asked. "Benny is everything Randy wasn't. Especially in the bedroom where he's more attentive."
"HA!" Lana laughed.
"Wait is that kind of review allowed?" Ray asked.
"Apparently," Pam said. "And so are these other ones saying how great Benny is in the sack. And how they like him better than Randy."
"They really do give extensive reviews on this website don't they?" Mallory blinked as she looked at the webpage over Pam's shoulder. "Even on how large Benny's…Sterling where exactly is this resort located again? I might want to check out that bar myself."
"MOTHER!" Archer barked.
"Well that just made my day," Lana laughed. "This day wasn't a total waste for me after all!"
"Me too…" Cyril chuckled.
Then AJ threw up on his shirt. "Hey!"
"HA HA!" Archer pointed at Cyril. "Good one AJ! That's Daddy's Little Girl!"
"I'll take her," Lana sighed as she took AJ. "Come on Baby…Mommy's gonna clean you up!" She took AJ to the bathroom.
"And I'll go clean myself up," Cyril groaned as he left for the men's bathroom. "Cashmere and baby stains don't go well."
"Go to a different review Pam," Archer ordered. "Someplace else we've been."
"You just don't want to hear any more bad reviews when you were Randy," Cheryl snorted.
"Well duh!" Archer rolled his eyes.
"I'd like to see a review about a spy agency with competent spies," Mallory sighed as she went back into her office to drink. "Just so I can see for once what that's like!"