The Legend of Zelda: Strange Heroes

Do I really need to say I don't own the Zelda series? Well, in case I do need to say it: I don't.

For those of you who don't know what the Golden Land is, its Hyrule and the neighboring lands.

I officially own Olokoblic Island, and Connor Dinsson, and Din's Daughter, Chaz, Xerxes, Gor Durok, Gor Wendell, etc.

Intro

I am Ganondorf Dragmire. My newest plan to dominate Hyrule had recently failed. The Hero of Time had banished me, gravely wounded, to the Twilight Realm. Zant was no help in my recovery. I learned from the evilest of all spirits—my spies in Hyrule—that all was well in the Golden Land. This news made me both angry and, strangely, pleased—angry because I had failed, pleased because my future kingdom was enjoying prosperity. But peace in the Golden Land would not last for long. I had a plan to take control of the kingdom of Hyrule. And this time…I knew it would not fail.

By the time I had recovered my strength and my wound from the Master Sword had healed, a millennia had passed. The Hero of Time's presence had not yet faded—I could feel him, hiding in the Temple of Time, waiting for the awakening call that would thrust him into Hyrule to defeat me. But this time, I knew that confronting him head on would not work, despite the fact the Hero had spent 1000 years in slumber. No, I had a better plan.

My plan was to assume a false identity on an island on the very outskirts of the Golden Land. Olokoblic Island, it was called, a healthy land where Hylians migrated to about 300 years into my sleep. This island had spent 800 years with no news from its mother land of Hyrule, and had consequently forgotten me, and the threat I posed. And I doubt Hyrule, with its time of prosperity, was in any position to warn them. Thus, as I said, I was going to assume a false identity on this island, and would eventually gain the confidence of the islanders by kissing up to the mayor. Once I was in a sufficient position in the government or a very close friend to the mayor, I would either volunteer to go on a diplomatic mission to Hyrule, or go there on a first class voyage. I thought this plan was genius—and it was. All I needed was somebody who would make it really easy to kiss up to the mayor—someone on the inside.

It wouldn't be that hard to get an inside man. All it would take was an offer of power to a corrupt mind. And every government has a corrupt mind.

Chapter 1

Connor Dinsson was busy as an apprentice engineer on Olokoblic Island. His master, Akko, had been charged with the task of building a solar-powered locomotive for the mayor himself. Of course, when Akko was charged with a task, that job fell to Connor, while Akko left to go get drunk.

So, Connor was busy. He was only half done the train, his deadline in a week. He needed a converter and some large metal plates, so he left Akko's hot and dark workshop and left to go buy these pieces. Akko was on the stoop, drunk. "Where are yuuuuuo goin', Connor?" Akko asked, clutching his pint. Connor raised an eyebrow. "To get some pieces, for the train, sir," he replied. Akko grinned and tossed his mug of beer at Connor, and yelled "Well, get yer butt outta her, then!" Connor bowed and trudged down the mountain to the village below.

Akko's Engineering Shop sat upon a tall, rugged, mountain, nearby was Olokoblic's Scar Mountain, where a handful of Gorons lived. Connor Dinsson had been raised there ever since he was washed up on Olokoblic. This was a godsend for the lazy engineer who worked there (Akko), who soon put Connor to work on all sorts of engineering projects the boy had no idea how to complete. But Connor was bright and he learned on the job.

Connor was a tall young adult, with startling brown skin similar to that of a Gerudo, with curly blond hair, a muscular body, sparkling blue eyes, and chiseled nose. Those features might not sound like a good mix, but Connor was a very handsome boy. He was also a very courageous hero and a good swordsman. People insisted he was a son of the Hero of Time and Gerudo maiden. He, however, never knew his parents. He was a lonely child who had never received any love, just the occasional drunken hug from Akko.

As Connor continued down the mountain, he was stopped by a burly Goron. Connor bowed. "Gor Durok. What brings me this honor?" he asked. The Goron chief smiled slightly. "Polite as ever, Connor," Gor Durok said, "the reason I am here is to inform you of the arrival of a stranger. He is at the docks. Come." The Goron rolled down the mountain, while Connor did his best to keep up by running. The pair reached the docks quickly; they saw throngs of people all over on the way. At the docks vendors, selling fried squid on a stick, empty jars, and promising captured fairies; as well as half of the population of Olokoblic Island were all about. Apparently, this incoming stranger was quite famous.

"Gor Durok," Connor spoke, as he and the Goron pushed their way through the crowds, "why is this stranger's arrival so important?" "Because," grunted Durok, "he is Ganondorf and your time to fulfill the prophesized role has come. Din's Daughter said so."

Connor shrugged. He didn't know who Ganondorf was (after all, it had been 800 years since Hyrule had come into contact with Olokoblic Island), and he could care less about his "prophesized role". All he really understood was that Din's Daughter—an unmarried Goron maid with a special connection to her creator, Din (who was not actually the Goron's biological mother)—had probably just delivered a warning to Gor Durok. "Sure thing, Gor Durok," muttered Connor. He figured Durok had probably just been drinking too much Goron Cider, and was a little bit loopy. It HAD happened before.

Eventually, after much pushing and shoving, the Goron chief and Connor reached the edge of the wharf where the stranger's boat had landed. A wooden walkway unfolded from the boat. A small, hunched over man ran forward and rolled a red silk carpet down the walkway. Then, he retreated, and bellowed from the shadows, reading of a fancy piece of parchment.

"All hail the King's Advisor to Distant Lands, his noble royalty Faknok Lui III, all the way from Hyrule!"

All the people at the dock, including the vendors, stopped talking. They had not heard from Hyrule for 800 years—this had to be news! Faknok Lui stood up to his full height, and strutted down the walkway. Faknok had green skin, flowing purple robes, a permanent scowl on his face, and a literal mane of red hair. Several people gasped. This ambassador was a powerful figure—he radiated strength. Connor was awestruck at the sight of Faknok. Gor Durok shook his head. "Connor, he's laying all his dark magic on the crowd. He's bending their minds to see what he wants them to see. Any half-wit could see he is a skulking, treacherous, King of Evil in tattered black robes. Snap out of it," the Gor said. Connor drooled a little. He did not appear to have heard the Goron. He was to busy admiring the stranger in his own mind. Finally, someone important had arrived at Olokoblic Island! Maybe this place wasn't so boring after all! Could he maybe approach the rich stranger and ask for an autograph. Those robes…they were beautiful. Maybe, just maybe, this noble would—

Connor's thoughts were cut short as Gor Durok shook his head in disgust and hefted the boy up. Carrying Connor on his shoulder, Durok trudged away from the docks, pushing through masses of people, all of whom were starstruck by Faknok Lui. At the base of Scar Mountain, Gor Durok plopped Connor down, in the middle of a Goron congregation. Din's Daughter, Durok, Durok's mate, Gor Wendell, and the hefty Goron warrior Chaz were all present. Gor Durok's presence immediately silenced the nervous whispering that was going on. Gor Durok spoke. "My council," he began, "we are now faced by a grave threat. The King of Evil, Ganondorf Dragmire, has come to Olokoblic. We all know the reason our ancestors left Hyrule was Ganondorf, who wished to punish them for aiding the Hero of Time. No doubt before Ganondorf achieves his goal here, he will come slay us for his vengeance. With this in mind, I consulted our oracle, Din's Daughter." Durok motioned for the prophetess to speak. Din's Daughter nodded and then addressed the council. "I prayed to our creator, Din, for guidance, as I always do when confronted with a problem. The answer came from the Mother of Fire in a dream. She told me to awaken her son on this island. I then relayed this to Gor Durok who went to find the boy. And the Son of the Goddess is here with us," warbled the old and feeble Din's Daughter.

Chaz, who was not very bright, looked around. "Hey, is that me?" he exclaimed. Din's Daughter shook her head and pointed an old, shaky finger at Connor. "He is the Son of the Goddess. Send him to kill Ganondorf Dragmire." Connor, who was focusing on one of the Goron servant girls, who seemed rather flirty, did not immediately react to this. Gor Wendell had to slap him on the back to get him back down to earth. "What?" Connor asked. "You boy, are the Son of the Goddess, the child of Din! Placed here, sixteen years ago, to defend the island from the threat of Ganondorf Dragmire!" yelled Din's Daughter, "And, so, go get him!"

Chapter 2

By the way, "cesti" is the plural form of cestus, an ancient weapon, similar to today's brass knuckles, but more like a gauntlet. (Read on to see why I tell you this.)

A sword and a shield, and a green tunic that Gor Durok had called "an authentic replica of the true Hero's Clothes" were all thrust towards Connor. Gor Wendell and Durok's mate told him all there was to know about Ganondorf Dragmire: That he was evil, he wanted to rule Hyrule, and that he had the Triforce of Power. Connor grew more nervous at every piece of information he learned. He underwent basic and hurried swordplay training with Chaz, which was completely unhelpful except for the fact it revealed that Connor was helpless with a sword. Gor Durok taught him how to wield a shield, which Connor sucked at, too. Sighing, the Gorons eventually sent Connor on his way, accompanied by both Chaz and Xerxes, who was another Goron warrior. Xerxes, who was actually Din's Daughter's son, led the three in prayer to Din.

Suddenly, in the middle of the prayer service, three figures clad in torn green, red, and blue dresses descended in front of Connor and the two Gorons. The figure in the green dress spoke first, "Hero of Olokoblic, please accept our blessing." Chaz nudged Connor and indicated that he should say yes, which Connor did. The figure in the blue dress spoke next, "Hero of Olokoblic, please accept our help in your darkest hour." Connor nodded again. Finally, the figure in the red dress spoke, "Hero of Olokoblic, Connor Dinsson, my own child, accept my own gift!" Xerxes gasped and almost passed out, while Chaz hyperventilated. Two gauntlet like objects descended from the sky, blazing with fire. Connor, acting on instinct, stuck out his arms. The two gauntlet-like objects sailed onto his forearms. When the gauntlets were firmly on Connor, the three figures disappeared.

Chaz fell over, Xerxes tried not to vomit. "Connor," Chaz whispered in awe, "do you know who those were? They were the goddesses: Farore, Nayru, and Din! And they gave you a blessing and the promise of help! Not to mention a gift!" Connor shrugged. He was still really nervous about facing Ganondorf. Xerxes, after vomiting, spoke up. "Connor! You are wielding the Cesti of Din on your fist! These will blaze into fire whenever you give the command. And then, and then…you can drive them into an enemy for satisfying results!" Connor grinned at that. He'd love to set Ganondorf on fire! Suddenly, with a surge of confidence, Connor bounded down Scar Mountain, leaving the excited Gorons in his dust.

When Connor reached the village, he saw Faknok Lui giving a speech to the assembled villagers. He wondered where Ganondorf was. Prowling among the village, Connor could find no sign of the legendary King of Evil. Then, a voice whispered in his head, "Here is help, young hero." Abruptly, Olokoblic went absolutely silent, and then the most terrifying thing happened. Faknok Lui, in the middle of talking about Hyrule's economy, turned into a huge, dark purple, ferocious, demonic boar. "That is Ganon, young hero. He is your enemy, face him," spoke the voice in Connor's head. Connor, his courage suddenly dwindling, stepped toward where the giant demonic boar was going on a rampage. Connor, armed with his Cesti of Din, hoisted his sword.

"Ganondorf Dragmire…face me!" bellowed Connor.

Ganon turned around to face Connor. The Son of the Goddess could have sworn the boar laughed. Grimacing, Connor tapped his cesti and muttered "Turn on now, please." The cesti stayed unchanged. No fire, no spark, not even an abnormal amount of heat. Gannon charged. Connor dove out of the way, narrowly avoiding the devilishly sharp horns Ganon was intent on impaling him with. Connor scooped up a crate of fried squid on a stick and threw it at Ganon. "Over here, you big fat demon-pig!" he yelled. Ganon turned around with a roar that caused nearby huts to collapse. Charging, Ganon crushed several people and buildings on his way. Connor frowned. He'd have to do something about all the people who were too slow to escape Ganon. When Ganon got close to Connor, the Son of the Goddess leapt up, unbelievably high, aided by the power of the Goddesses. He landed on Ganon's back, which was a rolling and unsteady surface that emitted noxious purple and black gas. Connor tapped his cesti again, yelling something that sounded good: "I order you to awaken, by the power of Din!" Surprisingly, the cesti actually flared to life. Grinning with this small victory, Connor hefted his sword and made two large, painful, deep circular cuts in Ganon's back. Then, closing his eyes and bracing himself, Connor plunged his flaming cesti directly and deeply into Ganon's fresh wound.

The echo of Ganon's howl caused a rockslide on Scar Mountain, as well as on the mountain where Akko's shop was. Connor could see Akko's shop get crushed, as the lazy engineer ran for his life away from the cascading rocks. Connor could care less whether or not he survived. No matter what, Connor had just inflicted some serious pain on Ganon, and the demonic boar was feeling it.

Connor had no idea what a rodeo was, but there was no doubt he was the rider in the worst and biggest rodeo of all time. Ganon was bucking and charging at all speeds and heights to get Connor of his back, and to help relieve the pain. To make matters worse for Ganon, Connor continually plunged his cesti into Ganon's wounds. Eventually, the wounds were permanently on fire (Ganon's mane was also alight), but the evil boar manage to knock Connor off and send the boy flying.

Connor hurtled through the air, having just been struck by Ganon's tusk in the boar's attempt to get him off. The Son of the Goddess soared at least 200 feet back, eventually smashing into a hut to end his flight. Dazed at the very least, Connor barely reacted when Gannon approached him. The boar impaled his tusk through Connor's leg, sending the Son of the Goddess closer and closer to the verge of death. Praying to Farore, Din, and Nayru, Connor heard a new voice in his head. "Here comes the aid we promised you. This is your darkest hour, but you may still succeed." Suddenly, a bright green light flashed all around Olokoblic Island. Connor found all of his wounds healed, and a new warrior by his side. Clad in a similar green tunic to his own, Connor knew who the warrior was, even without ever hearing the legends. This was the Hero of Time, the Hero of Men, the Hero of the Winds, this was Link. The heroic boy grinned down at Connor and held out his hands. "I'm Link, the Hero of Time," said Link. Connor nodded. "I'm Connor Dinsson, Son of the Goddess." Link raised an eyebrow at this, but then shrugged. "I believe we have an evil demon to defeat. Let's go." Connor leapt forward, his cesti flaming and his sword glowing with a red light. Link followed, swirling his sword and his Hero's Clothes billowing in the sudden wind. Connor looked at Link. "Why's it getting so windy?" he asked the hero, over the sudden onrush of airstream. Link glowered. "Ganon is changing into his human form, the true Ganondorf Dragmire. That's why." Link gripped his sword—the Master Sword—and planted his feet. Connor made his cesti flame ever more dangerously. Suddenly, the wind died down. Connor and Link didn't relax. And they had good reason: a terrible figure arose from the ruble the wind had caused. He chuckled evilly. A sword, tinted an unhealthy shade of gold, flashed into the figure's hand. A dark cape billowed behind him. The figure stepped forward. This was Ganondorf Dragmire. And, strangely, it was more than he.

Chapter 3

The figure was Ganondorf Dragmire. And, strangely, it was more than he.

It was Ganondorf, for sure. But it felt more sinister than that. Like a far more powerful aura, one of evil. Link held his breath. Connor trembled. A voice spoke. "Scared, little heroes? Well, you should be! If you wet your pants at the sight of Ganondorf, you'll faint at what you're about to learn!" The voice came from Ganondorf, but strangely, it was not Ganondorf's voice. "I am Cinndug, the Anti-Goddess, and the Destroyer of Days. My sisters, Din, Nayru, and Farore, banished me for my evil long ago, before they created Hyrule. Ganondorf has been my pawn all this time. If you survive his wrath today, I dare you to come and find me, and to challenge me." The voice continued, and then stopped abruptly. A great wind started up again, though this one was much shorter than the first one. It stopped within thirty seconds, and it withdrew to reveal Ganondorf crumpled on the ground. Link was stunned, he had gone so far to drop the Master Sword and fall to his knees in his shock. Connor, however, was more practical. He ran forward, and before Ganondorf could rise up to show Connor and Link his wrath, Connor drove his sword through Ganondorf's heart. Connor shuddered. He had just killed somebody.

But Link appeared at his shoulder. "It will only work if you use the Master Sword," the hero explained, thrusting the sacred blade through Ganondorf's head, "and even then it doesn't kill him." As soon as the Master Sword passed through his head, Ganondorf started to turn to stone. The process speeded up, and quite soon, right after Link withdrew the Master Sword from the King of Evil's head, he was completely petrified. All stone. Connor reached out to touch the stone. Link made a squeak at this, but before the Hero of Time could do anything, Ganondorf shattered. A golden, semi-triangular shard flew through the air, striking Connor in the forehead. The shard shined gold, before disappearing. Connor gasped and fell to his knees. Link looked over Connor, concerned, but Connor did not see the hero for much longer, as he soon chocked and passed out.

**

1 year later…

Connor Dinsson recovered from the embedment of the golden shard in his forehead. The shard, in fact, turned out to be a piece of the Triforce of Power. It felt the touch of Din (well, actually, her son), its creator, and attempted to surge out. But Ganondorf vanished before the entire Triforce could move. So, Connor Dinsson has a piece of the Triforce of Power. He also accepted the fact he was a hero (after defeating Ganondorf), and that his mother was a goddess. He also ditched the replica of the Hero's Clothes for some light chainmail and a faded blue tunic, dented helm, long brown pants, and worn black boots he found in his mail one day. He became a very skilled swordsman, rivaling Link himself. He still lives on Olokoblic Island, though he is currently in Hyrule on a quest. Connor met and fell in love with Princess Zelda, and occasionally still runs into her, but she'll probably end up with Link anyway.

Speaking of Link…

Link is still the Hero of Time, Hero of the Winds, Hero of Men, etc. The Three Goddesses have chosen to not put him back in slumber, so that he and Connor could go and vanquish Cinndug. He looks forward to when he and Connor can actually go do this. He is searching for people—storytellers, oracles, renowned crackpots—who could know something, anything, about Cinndug.

Akko died in the rockslide. Too much beer=you can't run that fast. Connor took over his shop, but doesn't spend that much time working there. You see, Connor is usually busy doing stuff like saving the world. (Oh, by the way, Connor finally finished that solar-powered train from the beginning of the story.)

Olokoblic Island has already forgotten who Ganondorf is. With the help of the Three Goddesses, it is now, once again, a peaceful and prosperous place.

Gor Durok and the Gorons of Olokoblic Island have succeeded in constructing their own Goron Mine (a la, Twilight Princess). Interested wannabe heroes should contact Gor Durok before the entire summer is booked.

The Three Goddesses are still super powerful beings who rule over Hyrule. Farore admits she has a crush on Connor, Nayru has recently discovered the wonderful world of Goron Cider, and Din now sends Christmas cards to Connor.

The End.