A/N: This is a one-shot parody of the over-the-top Harry Potter battle scenes. Enjoy.
Harry Potter would kill him. He would kill Voldemort for taking his parents. He would kill him for Sirius. He would kill him for Dumbledore. He would kill him for The Santa Claus 3. God that sucked. What was Tim Allen thinking?
He walked into the graveyard where he had fought Voldemort those three summers ago. Hermione and Ron flanked him on either side. Under his Invisibility cloak, he knew that he could not be seen. They could see the Death Eaters in their large circle. All of the Death Eaters from all over the world were there tonight. There were the Malfoys; there were the Lestranges; there was Wormtail. And there, to the right of Voldemort himself, was Severus Snape.
"Okay, Harry," Hermione said in her teacher-ly way. "You must control yourself. We can't give ourselves away to the Death Eaters"
"That's right, bloke," Ron said in his stupid drawl. "We should listen to Hermione." He looked at Hermione. "Hermione, since we might die I just have to ask you this one thing." Ron was crying. Hermione was crying. Harry was too obsessed with the idea of killing Voldemort, otherwise he would have been crying. "Will you be my wife"
"Of course I will!" She kissed him passionately. They made love on the ground under the invisibility cloak. Harry did not even notice because of his preoccupation with killing Voldemort; of course, it was Ron, so it did not last long anyway. Two, three minutes and he was done.
The trio sat watching the Death Eaters for the next twenty-seven hours. They wanted to make sure they caught them when they were least expecting it. Finally, Harry said "I think it is time to attack. Voldemort is not expecting it"
They charged! Harry was not sure if he was still wearing the invisibility cloak. He had never run so fast in his life. His hair was blowing back in the wind, as was his tongue. He swallowed a fly. He did not notice because he was so obsessed with killing Voldemort. He broke his leg. He did not notice because he was so obsessed with killing Voldemort. Ron and Hermione made love again. He did not notice because he was so obsessed with killing Voldemort.
He was 100 yards away. He was 50 yards away. He was 10 yards away. Suddenly, he was trapped! He, Ron, and Hermione and locked in a cage made out of pure magic. Voldemort cackled loudly.
"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahah! I have caught you Harry Potter! Now, I will subject you to listening to me talk about my plans to take over the world! Afterwards, I will force you to duel me, thereby giving you a chance to escape by a combination of determination, luck, and some random skill you just happened to learn at some earlier section of the story"
"But this is a fan-fiction one-shot-- you can not learn anything in a fan-fiction one-shot, no matter how over-zealous the author is"
"Then prepare to be utterly defeated." Voldemort raised his wand.
"Wait! What happened to all the stuff about telling me your plans, which should give me enough of a window to formulate some plan for escape"
"Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot. Ok. So, this was my twelve step plan for world domination." He reached into the back pocket of his cloak and retrieved a piece of paper with a little orange stain from touching the paper after eating Cheetoh's. "Ok: 1) Create seven Horcruxes. Done. 2) Kill Dumbledore. Done. 3) Fix Sandwich. Done. Thanks for that one, Lucius"
"You're welcome master"
"Did I tell you to talk? Crucio! Ok, where was I? 4) Kill Harry Potter. That's where we are now. 5) Take over world. See, there you have it"
"Wait- I thought you said it was twelve steps"
"I lied!" (Bm bm bmmmmmmmmmm.)
"But wait- how did you know we were coming"
"We have this!" Voldemort pulled out a shiny pair of what appeared to be night vision goggles, except for the fact that they were silver and crackled with energy.
"What are they"
"Invisibilty-cloak-see-through-er-goggles (twinkletwinkle). We could see you the whole time"
Hermione looked shocked. "Did you even watch us"
"Yes. And, by the way, you could do so much better than that. Look, I've been kinda looking for a queen for when I rule the world, and well, if you're interested"
"We'll see how all of this turns out first"
"Oh, cool, I gotcha. Anyway, Potter! Now it is time for us to get into one of our duels. The last one!" (Bm Bm bmmmmmmm) "But, first, I must ask you one question"
"What is it"
"Who's your daddy?" The Death Eaters roared with laughter. "Oh, yes, burn! Thanks for that one Lil' John."
"Yay-uh"
Harry burned with anger. "How dare you insult me? Do you know who I am?! Roooooarrrrrrrrrrrr" Harry roared with anger. In fact, his anger was so great that it destroyed the cage he was trapped in and killed four unsuspecting Death Eaters.
"Wow, that was actually kind of cool," Voldemort admitted. The Death Eaters all nodded.
"Yay-uh"
"Ok, that's enough, Lil' John"
"O-K"
Harry looked at Voldemort. Hate was burnt into his soul. His entire body crackled with magical energy. Suddenly- BAM! In one swift motion, all of the Death Eaters besides Voldemort and Snape were dead.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My peeps. You even killed Lil' John! How could you? I will kill you, Harry Potter"
"No, you will not"
"What's your deal? You haven't used a single contraction since we started this dueling scene.
"I am too powerful to use contractions"
"Oh"
"Now, Snape, you will die first." Snape looked shocked. He had assumed that since he had not said a single word in the entire story he would be spared. But, no, in one motion, Harry killed Snape with an "Avada Kedavra"
"Now what, bi-atch"
"Wait, you won't use contractions, but you will use Ebonics? That makes no sense"
"It's not Ebonics! It's slang"
"Ha! You used a contraction! Two of them! Now you are weak enough for me to destroy! But first I must resurrect my Death Eaters! I know a piece of ancient magic that resurrects the dead! For centuries, it was unknown; I found it in an ancient Eskimo text in the deserts of Canada"
"Canada does not have deserts"
"Shut up! Anyway, here it is:
Sunshine daisies,
Butter mellow,
Turn this stupid fat rat yellow"
It was the spell Ron had used all those years ago on Scabbers. Suddenly, all of the Death Eaters came back to life!
"Whoa, that was freaky"
"Yay-uh"
"Shut up Lil' John"
"O-K"
The Death Eaters encircled Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Suddenly-
"Harry!" It was Ginny! She was running towards them, blasting Death Eaters as he went.
"Ginny. You should not have come. It is too dangerous"
"I wanted to be with you…" She looked at him, tears in her big, chocolate eyes. Then, slowly, a smile came across her face. "Besides… I brought friends." She made a motion with her hand, and out of the blue, the Order of the Phoenix rushed onto the scene, hitting Death Eaters with an array of curses.
Harry smiled. "Thanks Ginny"
"Now, come on. Let's go." Harry and Ginny joined up with the Order in fighting the Death Eaters. Harry dueled Lucius Malfoy for a time. Then Snape. Then Draco. Then Snape again. Harry never grew weary during the whole charade. He just kept on going and going, like the Energizer bunny, only with a wand and a scar.
Slowly, the Death Eaters began to take control of the battle. Order member after Order member fell. It appeared that the battle was almost over. Harry knew what he had to do.
He cast an immensely strong Protego spell and surrounded himself with a shell of magic. He sat on the ground underneath it and began muttering a spell he had learned on his journey to find the Horcruxes. He sat there for it must have been ten minutes.
BAM! From the horizon, Harry could see them coming.
"It's- it's… Dumbledore"
"And Sirius Black"
"And the Potters"
"And James Brown"
"Yay-uh"
"SHUT UP LIL' JOHN"
"O-K"
They were right- Harry had cast the super-powerful, super-secret, super-dangerous spell known as the "Bring-Back-From-The-Dead-For-Like-Ten-Minutes-in-The-Form-Of-An-Immortal-Ghost-So-That-You-Can-Win-The-Battle" spell. Think Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
Dumbledore rode up to Harry, with Harry's parents and Sirius right behind him. "Hey Mom. Dad. Dumbledore. Sirius. James Brown"
"I feel good"
"Ok, Harry," Dumbledore said in his grandfatherly way. "What will you have us to do"
"I want you to kill all of the Death Eaters, except the ones who have had major roles in the story, because that would be anti-climactic. We'll arrest the rest of them, except Malfoy, Snape, and Voldemort. I'll handle them"
"I knew that I would"
"Ok, James Brown, you go fight Lil' John"
"Super fly"
"Okey-Dokey. Let's go!" The ghost army, which numbered about 10,000, took action against the Death Eaters. Dumbledore took out all of the nameless Death Eaters in one motion, and then took on Lucius Malfoy. Sirius caught Bellatrix Lestrange. The Potters caught Wormtail. James Brown had defeated Lil' John in a dancing contest, and he had exploded in a ball of flame and pimp juice. In half a minute's time, the Death Eaters had all been either killed or caught, except the one's who it was important for the story for Harry to confront.
"Alright, Harry, now that we have done your bidding, we will transport these prisoners to Azkaban"
"Goodbye, friends. Thank you." With that, they rode off into the sunset… even though it was near midnight.
Now it was just Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny against Malfoy, Snape, and Voldemort.
"Are you ready to meet your death, Potter"
"Yes. Yes I am"
There was a long pause. Voldemort decided he should be the one to speak first. "Uh… do you realize what you just said"
"I said I was… oh dang it! I mean- I hope you are ready to meet your death"
"Ok, that was better. Begin!" Harry fired a stunner at Voldemort, which he escaped by doing that little cape swishing disappearing act thing he always does to get out of tight spots. He reappeared behind Harry and Harry quickly jumped out of the way of one of his killing curses.
As this was going on, Harry could see the others battling out of the corner of his eyes. Hermione and Ginny were battling Snape, while Ron was dealing with Malfoy. They appeared to be doing well, so Harry focused his attention on Voldemort, which he should have been doing all along because right at that moment-
"Expelliarmus!" Harry's wand flew out of his hand. It landed right in the hand of Voldemort. Harry knew it was over.
"Ron, Hermione, Ginny! Help! Cast a spell and get my wand back"
The three looked at each other… guiltily. Harry realized that they were standing beside Malfoy and Snape, looking calm… calm and embarrassed. "Uh, Harry, there's something we forgot to mention," Hermione started.
"We sorta joined the Death Eaters," Ron admitted, his ears turning pink.
"When"
"About five minutes ago. Since we saw you were losing, we decided to just, you, know, go with flow"
"You were my best friends! Ginny! Did you join the Death Eaters too"
"Sorry, Harry. But, you know, you just have to admit when you've been beaten… and you've been beaten"
"Nooooooooo! What a horrible, cruel plot twist! I hate you Mr. Bojangles' Pet Monkey"
The group surrounded him. "So, Harry Potter. Any last words"
"Yes… f you, you mother f b. Go to h"
"Wow, that was kinda harsh. Oh well, AVADA KED"
"Expelliarmus!" The cry came from five separate voices. Harry turned around, his jaw on the ground. Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Snape, and Malfoy had their wands raised. Voldemort was on the ground about twenty feet away.
"Wha-wha-what the"
Ginny's mouth was twitching. "Did you really think we'd left you for Voldemort?" She and the rest burst out laughing.
"Oh, we really had you"
"You should've seen the look on your face"
Malfoy and Snape were rolling on the ground. "Mr. Malfoy and I have been planning this since you were in first year"
"Wow. I don't know what to say"
"Then don't say anything," Snape said, handing Harry's and Voldemort's wands to Harry. "Just go do what you were meant to do from the beginning"
Harry walked over to where Voldemort was laying on the ground. "You killed my parents. Your followers killed Sirius. Because of you, Dumbledore died. Do you have any last words"
"Yes. You have been 'Punk'd"
"What"
From behind several well-placed bushes, out came several men holding cameras, Sirius, Dumbledore, Wormtail, and all of the other Death Eaters, James Brown, Lil' John, and Ashton Kutcher. Ashton was the first one to get to him. "Whoa, we really had you; big time! At the coaxing of Dumbledore and Sirius, and with the help of a few of the wizarding world's finest, we have made the first Punk'd movie. You see, Voldemort has actually been dead this entire time. For the past four years, 'Punk'd' cameras have been following you around, giving you false information, setting up little scenes for you to think that an actual war was going on"
"We decided to play with you're head a little bit, just for fun," Dumbledore said.
Harry sat for several minutes in stunned silence. "Oh my god. The last four years of my life were a complete lie. I went through depression, rigorous training, gave part of my SOUL to find the Horcruxes! And you're telling me it was all a LIE! That is the FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD! You guys are great. Hey, Ashton, can I have your autograph"
And so ends the story of Harry Potter. The "Punk'd" movie was a great success, and Harry received 3 of all the takings for his four years of pain and suffering. He ended up living off of this while he played seeker for an amateur quidditch team, the Castle Ridge Sting Rays, before getting a spot on the Chudley Cannons. He married Ginny a year after the movie was released, and they have four children, James, Sirius, Remus, and Seventh Exodus. They currently live in London, where Harry now works as an Auror for the Ministry of Magic. He has written two books: Punk'd: The Harry Potter Story and How To Not Die. Both are best sellers. You can find out more from his website read and review!