Disclaimer:I do not own Firefly/Serenity. These were created by Joss Whedon. I wrote this for personal pleasure and the hope that others will find pleasure in it. In other words, I don't get Jack from this. So enjoy! It's meant to be light and humorous. Please send me a review when you are finished.

River quietly opened the door and stepped out of her room. She could hear a slight commotion in her brother's room. A squeal of delight indicated to her that Simon was with Kaylee again. Reading Kaylee's thoughts, River knew that they were not yet having sex, but were very close.

"Kaylee," Simon said, "You know I don't have any tattoos like Jayne or the Captain."

"Well, how can I's knows if don't check?" Kaylee responded trying to look innocent.

"You've 'checked' ten times already."

"Eleven, you forgets the time I snuck up on you in the showers," Kaylee grinned.

Simon grinned back, "Still, I think you have other intentions."

Kaylee turned her head and gave Simon a coy look.

"What do you want, Kaylee?" asked Simon slyly.

Staring lustfully at Simon, Kaylee said in a low voice, "What you got."

Kaylee's stare then shifted down from Simon's head to his chest, then to his abdomen, then to his…

River immediately blocked out Kaylee's thoughts, and stepped back from Simon's door. They had done this routine several times before, and River knew what was coming next. She walked on towards the ladder next to the infirmary. Reaching out with her mind she could feel Inara straightening up her shuttle, Mal and Zoe planning a course on the flight deck, and Jayne having a drink in the dining area.

A gleam formed in River's eyes along with a smile on her mouth. She climbed the ladder saying softly to herself, "Hunter shall become the hunted."

Jayne was leaning up against the counter in the kitchen with a small cup of saki in his hand. He was enjoying a quiet moment for himself after a long day. He heard the light padding of bare feet approach through the aft passage. Looking up he saw River enter through the aft doorway: she was staring at him.

Slightly unnerved by River's intense stare, Jayne asked her, "Why aren' ya in bed little girl?"

"Not sleepy," replied River as she slowly approached him.

"Oh, ya hungry?" The big mercenary started to tense as the distance between the two of them closed.

"Not hungry," River said with a smile growing across her face.

"Thirsty?" stammered Jayne as River was only a few steps away.

"Not thirsty, either," she said with a giggle and slightly shaking her head.

"Whatcha want then, girl?" asked Jayne completely baffled.

"What you got," River stated in a low voice. Her eyes looked down, and Jayne tried to follow them. He noticed he was holding his saki cup at his waste and it seemed that River was looking there as well. He held out his cup as an offering.

River slapped the cup out of his hand and sent it flying across the room. She simply said, "No" and resumed looking at his groin.

Shocked, Jayne looked down, looked back at River, looked down again, and then backed away from River while raising his hands. Fearfully he said, "Now little girl, you're conjuring a crazy notion."

River looked up at Jayne and said confidently, "Not crazy, I'm all right now."

"You still a little girl."

"Will be a woman, after."

Jayne looked toward the forward exit that he was inching to.

"I know what you're thinking," said River.

Jayne looked back and said half gasping, "Yeah,.."

"It won't work."

"Well," gulped Jayne, "Still I gotta try."

Jayne leaned to run, but he was kicked hard by River in the stomach. Jayne fell back and bounced off the bulkhead next to the forward exit. River then cart-wheeled over Jayne, and, in one motion, shut and sealed the hatch. Jayne then stumbled towards the rear exit, but River did a forward spring-flip on top off him to beat him to that exit as well. Fumbling for his pistol, Jayne managed to clear it from the holster just before River kicked it from his hand.

"Oh God," was all he could say before she was on him.

The commotion in the dining area had attracted both Zoe and Mal's attention.

"Jayne! What in the sphincter of Hell are you playin' at?" yelled Mal as he approached the forward door. Trying the door, Mal found it was locked. He looked through the window and saw the other door shut, and presumably locked, as well. River and Jayne were not in view, but the sound of a scuffle could be clearly heard.

"Jayne! Why'd you seal the door? Why are you tearin' up my dining area?" asked Mal.

Mal looked at Zoe, who had arrived just behind him, and asked her, "Did Jayne seem upset to you last time we saw him?"

"Seemed right as rain, sir," replied Zoe

"Then why is he currently destroying my dining area?"

"Can't say. Maybe he ran out of snacks. Possible it ain't him either, sir. I haven't seen him in front of the door."

Just then, a frantic Jayne pressed himself against the forward door and shouted, "Mal! T'aint me! River! She's off her nut! She…aaahh!"

Mal and Zoe saw Jayne wince in pain as River appeared behind him. Jayne turned to ward River off but his swings were too slow, and River sidestepped each one. River managed to set Jayne in direction to the dining table,and with a couple of well placed kicks, she had him lying on top of it.

Just as Mal was to ask what was going on, River jumped on top of Jayne and started kissing him. Mal and Zoe exchanged shocked looks before looking back into the room. Jayne had managed to push River off of him, but she simply swung him to the floor and resumed her position.

"Mal, what is going on?" Mal looked to his left and saw Inara coming up the passage way.

Mal stammered, "Inara, it's River! She's… she's…"

"She's trying to have sex with Jayne, but he ain't willing," finished Zoe.

"Yeah," said Mal pointing to Zoe.

"What!" exclaimed Inara.

"They're both locked in there," said Zoe.

"Oh my God, one of them may get seriously hurt," said Inara.

"I'm thinking it might be Jayne," said Mal plainly.

"I'm inclined to agree," said Zoe.

Looking at Zoe, Mal asked, "Got any notions as to how we get in there?"

"I have one. Thought about it after the last time River locked herself and Jayne in there."

Zoe opened a panel next to the door and started working with the wires. While working she asked Mal, "Do you have an idea how we'll take River down once we're in?"

Mal was checking his pistol, and he said, "I got one, but I sure hope it don't come to that."

"Mal, don't go in," Inara said urgently.

Mal and Zoe looked at Inara questioningly, and she continued, "You both can't help her. I'm the only one qualified."

Mal and Zoe looked at each other and realized what Inara meant. Looking back at Inara, Mal declared, "You're not serious!"

"I am, Mal." Inara replied forcefully.

"What about Jayne?"

"I will need your gun for him."

Mal looked down and reluctantly passed his gun to Inara who took hold of it. Mal then looked at Zoe and asked, "Ready?"

"Waiting on you, sir."

Mal looked back at Inara, placed his hand on her shoulder, and said "I'm puttin' my trust in you, 'Nara, and hope to see both River and Jayne smilin' after this clears up."

"Don't worry, they'll both be fine," replied Inara looking over her shoulder with a smile.

Mal was heartened by Inara's expression. He then said, "All right. Zoe."

Zoe touched some wires and the door unlocked. Inara opened the door, stepped in, shut the door, and sealed it again in one motion. Mal then looked at Zoe and said, "Find Simon, and make sure he don't come near the dining area."

"Yes, sir," Zoe responded sharply before heading down to the cargo bay.

Mal the turned and headed up to the flight deck. "They'llbe needing some privacy," he said.

In the dining area, the struggle between River and Jayne had ceased when Inara entered. Both River and Jayne watched the companion carefully.

"Where's Mal?" asked Jayne.

"He's not coming," River answered.

"What! Why in hell not!" exclaimed Jayne.

"Sent her instead." River seemed to understand while Jayne was becoming more confused.

"I know you are confused, Jayne, but believe me you are going to be all right. Just do as I say."

Jayne was unsure, but he nodded his assent.

"Jayne, I need you to get on the table."

"Now, wait just a gorram minute,…" Jayne said, but Inara leveled the pistol at him.

"Jayne, get on the table," she ordered.

"But,…" Inara cocked the pistol

"Now," she said sternly.

Lookingshocked and somewhat scared, Jayne slowly moved to the table and layed down on top of it. Keeping both the pistol and her eyes trained on Jayne, Inara spoke slowly, "Now River, listen to mevery carefully…."

An hour later, Mal was on the bridge when Inara called him.

"We're done," she said over the comm.

"Shiny, how are your new students?" asked Mal.

"One is passed out on the table, and the other I am taking back to my shuttle for some tea."

"Be sure to give her a talking to about beingso aggressive."

"The subtleties of seduction is her next lesson."

Satisfied, Mal then called Zoe.

"Zoe, where is Simon?" he asked.

"Sleeping soundly. Not a peep from him in the last half hour," she responded.

"Really? What was he saying before then?"

"Not really saying anything, just making a lot of noise in his bunk."

Mal pinched the bridge of his nose and asked, "Kaylee with him?"

"Certain of it, sir."

"Shiny, I'llgather upJayne. You get some cleaner, lots of cleaner. I'll meet you in the dining area."