He Did This To Us
Chapter 1

I watched as Clay paced back and forth in thought with Tony sitting besides me on his bed. I was called to Tony's place to help him with Clay, but so far neither of us has really said a word, especially Clay.

"Why am I here again?" I asked Tony in a tone quiet enough for Clay not to be able to hear us. My gaze was still glued on Clay in case he decides to say something.

"He hasn't been saying a word and it's concerning." Tony replied in a matched tone.

"I can see that." I mumbled, hoping for more of an explanation. I soon gave up hope Clay would say something and looked at Tony, watching the amusement play out on his face from my response.

"The very few words he has been saying involve him beating himself up and blaming himself for Hannah's loss. The tapes really fucked him up, and I'm afraid things are going to get worse." He said before looking back at me. "And I called you as not only one of his closest friends, but his lover's sister."

I cringed at the word. "Don't say lover ever again." I said before hesitating in thought of how to word my response. For being Hannah's sister, you'd think someone would have the decency to pass the tapes down to me so I can hear the rumored thirteen reasons why behind her death, but nope, I stand as oblivious as those who knew her name from her suicide. The only other person who knows this is Clay so it's more of our little secret that I am no help, everyone else assumes I heard.

For that terrible wonder that I dread to know, you can also think there would at least be some good in her death for either me, her or other people but my benefits makes me feel more guilt than anything else. You could say having your sister die would make you more recognized, but I'm still stuck as being invisible. Even Clay doesn't seem to take too much notice of me especially after Hannah's death. I looked down at my hands as they rested on my lap. I can feel my body grow rather numb again.

"Yeah, it's been pretty tough on everyone." I added finally, looking back at Tony, wondering if he knew I was taking the easy way out somehow.

"I'm sorry for your loss… I know I say this a thousand times but I just can't help but feel bad." He said, genuine sympathy bright in his voice.

I couldn't help but smile a little and reach out for his hand. "Oh bless your little gay soul." I began softly, being extra cautious of not letting Clay overhear as this was a more personal secret I wasn't sure if Tony was okay with Clay knowing. This made Tony smile. Not only in amusement of my comment but in gratitude of my concern over keeping his secret safe.

"But you should also know that I hate it when people apologize for her loss. She may have been my sister, but there are tons of other people who she was close to, not just me. Other people who need to know they're not the only ones who care. Other people like…" I finished, letting my voice trail off as I looked over at Clay who was continuing to pace but slower and sighed under my breath. I didn't want to say his name in fear it would catch his attention. Tony followed my gaze and gave me a look to show he understood what I was saying.

"I'm sure Hannah misses him dearly." Tony said after a few moments of silence which I thought of to be in dedication of her death, but almost on cue, Clay just rushes out quickly, ruining the moment. It was almost like he was waiting for those exact words and was just pacing to stall for time. I managed to be right on his heels as he made his way out because I reacted quickly due to catching him in the act.

"Clay!" I called after him but it was no use.

He got into a car and I stood in front of it, preventing him from leaving.

"I'm not joking, let me in right now." I said in a serious tone. Clay stared at me in silence before looking at the door then looking back at me.

"Get in before Tony gets here." He said simply, but with an impatient sense in his voice. I glance over to see Tony wasn't even out of the house yet and I nod at Clay before rushing into the passenger's seat.

He drives for what feels like hours and they were all made up of silence. I look out the window to watch as familiar landmarks of the city fade away.

"Where are we going?" I demanded, looking at him as the city seemed far out of view.
"You'll see." He said, not bothering to even look at me.

"'You'll see?' Are you serious, Clay?" I said, beginning to let some of my anger show.
"You're the one who insisted on coming."

I huffed and looked away, crossing my arms and leaning my weight against the car window. I couldn't argue, he had a point. Besides that brief dialogue, the car ride was silent. I soon realized he began to tense up and grabbed my thigh to keep control. He couldn't have been thinking straight. Was it really that bad? I began to worry more and more as we rode up to a more familiar place. A scary place.

"Clay, go back." I said urgently.

"No, you wanted to come. That's your fault." He replied simply, matching my tone.

"I said turn the car around!"

"No, I can't!"

"Yes you can, I'm not letting you do this. Turn the dam-!" I interrupted myself with a scream. I must have pushed Clay past his limit because he violently turned around and the car was spinning out of control. I held onto the most solid thing I could find and tried to calm down but it was no use. He was screaming my name in what sounded like last words but it was hard to hear them over the commotion. All I knew was that he was sorry.

Suddenly it all stopped. I was breathing hard and heavy. I could feel his eyes looking at me but I felt too numb to look back.

"I'm sorry." He finally said, his voice soft suddenly.

I didn't say anything, just got out of the car and walked out into the cold. I wasn't exactly expecting to be here so you could imagine I was unprepared to face this cold. I was wearing ripped jeans with a loose white t-shirt and a green jacket that was a bit too big for me and had the sleeves rolled up. Overall a rather simple and casual outfit, unfit for what I was getting myself into.

I hugged my arms and leaned against the car, letting my mind get lost in its own thoughts as it was soaked through the night sky. Rookie mistake.

Clay was apparently causing a scene in the car I was completely oblivious to, but I managed to catch him walk out to the cliff in extreme anger. It was clear by his actions he was ready to end it all.

"Woah, woah, woah!" I said in a sort of plead as I quickly walked up to him, stopping at a safe distance. "Please step away from the cliff. Let's talk this out!"

Clay shook his head slowly before speaking up after a long pause. "There's nothing to talk about, you won't understand."

"I won't understand if you don't tell me." I said, making sure I chose my words carefully to avoid making him even more upset which I didn't believe was possible at the moment but it was scary to know I was wrong.

He looked at me, seriously trying to decide whether or not to "give in", but soon reached a decision.

"I loved her, whether or not she loved me back." He began, his voice breaking up a little as I could tell he was trying not to cry.

I finally understood why he didn't want to tell me. He knew I haven't gotten the privilege of being able to fall in love. I looked away, clenching my fists at my sides. It was unfair.

"She meant everything to me and I'm the reason she's gone. Now I have nothing. What else is left to live for?" He raised his voice gradually as he spoke. He really sounded hurt. I could imagine some was from me looking away and slowly understanding his point. I couldn't let his dreading urge win.

"Don't say that, Clay. People like Tony… your family… everyone who cares for you are doing whatever they can to see you again." I told him, my voice coming off as simple as if I was stating a fact, which I practically was.

"Who else?" He said in what appears to come off in a way as if he had someone in specific for me to mention. I sighed, knowing who he was probably talking about.

"Hannah… she wouldn't want you to die for her. You and I both know she isn't that kind of person." I said softly. As soon as I said her name, Clay lost hope. No he didn't jump, but did something much worse. He rubbed his eyes, I wasn't getting it. If I didn't figure it out soon, he might jump and I'd have no one to blame but myself for failing him.

"I told you, you're not Tony, you're not going to get it." He snapped.

I was stunned, pausing a bit to process what he said and maturely deal with how hurt and offended I felt.

I must have not hid it from my eyes as well as I thought have because as soon as our eyes met, his expression softened to realize what he said.

"Madis, I'm really sorry."

"No, you're not, and neither am I. You're right, I'm not Tony but there are people like me who want to be like him and you jumping are just cutting them from truly understanding and helping you." I spoke slowly, letting my words sink in. It seemed effective enough to make Clay walk slowly towards me after a moment of hesitation, close too.

"There's no one like you, Madis." He said softly, his words made me shiver.

"I guess so." I said, swallowing hard as I looked into his eyes.

I could feel him closing the space between us and I soon restored it by leaning back a little slowly. It must have had some hint of hesitation or something in it because he still had a sight of hope lingering in his eyes.

"I can't, I'm not who you want and you know that." I said in almost a whisper. He wasn't alright, and I need to pull myself to see he didn't mean it. He was desperate and feeling hopeless. He wanted someone to fill the empty hole Hannah left inside him and I was apparently his best bet.

Clay paused to look at me then nodded, not exactly saying anything.

I bit my lip gently and slowly moved myself out of his grasp although it felt tempting to stay and live in a world of fake feelings.

I don't remember how but we slowly but surely got ourselves to get back in the car and ride back to Tony's place so I can retrieve my own car. Although now that I think about it, I don't remember Clay ever learning how to drive but I didn't want to call him out. Now wasn't the best time.

The whole car ride was silence again but it felt more awkward and I would once in a while shift my position in my seat in an uncomfortable way. He must have not picked up on the air around him because he sort of just sat there unbothered.

I caught on to see some of the landmarks seemed a little too familiar for us to be going back to Tony's place.

"I think you're going the wrong way." I said in almost a mumble as he turned into my street.

"No I'm not." He said when he was in front of my house. I looked out the window to stare at in some hesitation of getting out and exhaled. Something felt totally different now, something off about the house.

"Your car will be here waiting out here for you in the morning." He added when the car was at a complete stop.

I nodded. "Thank you."

"Of course, please take care of yourself."

When he said the last part, I turned to look at him, studying his expression before nodding again and getting out of the car. He was serious. I knew something was up and I was kicking myself for not pushing for a response. Although it was now warmer, my hands were still in my pockets and my steps were slower than normal. I could feel his eyes on me, making sure I was home safely.

I suddenly stopped when my eye caught something. I was breathless. I turned around to see Clay was already gone. Fuck him. I turned back to the box in front of my door and took a deep breath before picking it up in my hands. I didn't even have to open it to know what it was.

Inside were seven tapes with thirteen sides. Thirteen different sides of the story to why Hannah Baker killed herself. Thirteen reasons why I'll be likely to go down the same way.