Tag to episode 12.03.
Sam was no stranger to pain. Hell, he'd just spent days being tortured but right now all of that paled in comparison to the pain in his heart. He wanted to understand how his mother felt but at the same time he just wanted to run after her and beg her to stay. So many years he'd longed to know her and now….he glanced at his brother and the knife in his heart twisted deeper.
If his mom missed her little boy Dean, all she had to do was look at him now. Sam had no memories of his mother but Dean knew what it was like to have a mom and for her to suddenly be gone. Now he was reliving that all over again and he looked every bit the broken little boy.
Sam crossed the space between him and Dean and placed his hand on his brother's arm. "Hey."
Dean turned to look at him, his face a mixture of confusion and pain.
"She'll be back, Dean. She just needs some time." He hoped those words were true.
"Yeah, well, whatever." Dean cleared his throat and glanced around the room. "We should probably check in with Cas, see if he's found out anything about Lucifer."
Sam sighed. Dean's protective armor was firmly in place. He'd rather die than talk about what he was feeling right now, but Sam had to try. "Dean, do you want to talk about it?"
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Dean….."
"Sammy, I said there's nothing to talk about." Dean pulled his phone out, considered it for a moment and then stuffed it back in his pocket. "You want a beer?"
"No, thanks."
Dean shrugged and headed toward the kitchen while Sam sought the sanctity of his bedroom. He knew if he tried to push Dean to talk it would only end in a fight and that was the last thing either of them needed. He'd wait until his brother had calmed down a bit and maybe, just maybe, Dean would be willing to talk. He couldn't let Dean keep all this bottled up inside him. He knew how much it hurt.
Sam had known his mom was struggling. He'd seen it in her face…..how she missed their dad and how different everything had been for her. He could only imagine how it must feel to be back after thirty years. A lot had changed since 1983 but….. they were here….alive and well….her boys…and it hurt to think it hadn't made a difference in her decision. He'd wished for a mother his whole life and now that he had one…..she'd left him and his brother again and this time it was her choice. He wanted to understand but the pain in his heart wouldn't let him.
Sam glanced at his watch and realized it was getting late. He'd been lying on his bed for hours, trying to wrap his mind around what had happened, hoping to convince himself there was nothing he could have done to change things. He wondered if Dean would be willing to talk now and had just gotten to his feet when something thumped out in the hallway.
"Dean, is that you?"
Sam cautiously opened the door and found his brother slumped in the floor, a bottle of Jack Daniels gripped in his hand. His head rolled loosely on his shoulders as he grinned up at Sam.
"Hiya, Sammy." Dean's voice was slurred.
"Hey, Dean." Sam bent down to help his brother. "How much have you had to drink?"
Dean frowned at the bottle in his hand and took another swig before Sam hauled him to his feet. "Not enough."
"Come on. Let's get you to your room." Dean leaned heavily against him as Sam steered him toward his bedroom. Once inside, he plopped down on the bed and lost his grip on the whiskey bottle. It fell to the floor and shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces.
Just like Dean's heart.
"Dammit, I wasn't done with that." Dean rose unsteadily from the bed. "I need another one."
Sam pushed him back down. "No, I think you've had enough."
"You're not the boss of me." Dean stared at him defiantly for a moment. Sam thought that maybe there would be a fight after all but then Dean reached for his boots, attempting to pull them off but he was too drunk to untie the laces. Sam sat on the edge of the bed and helped Dean remove his boots. When he glanced at his brother, he saw tears in Dean's eyes.
"Why'd she leave us, Sammy?"
Sam swallowed the lump in his throat. "Honestly? I don't know, Dean. I tried to wrap my head around it but I just don't understand."
Sam was sure Dean wouldn't remember any of this conversation tomorrow but he knew no matter what, Dean would still feel the pain. Family had always meant everything to him. Sam thought back to the times he'd let Dean down…..the times he hadn't been there for him. Had he caused his brother this much agony?
Sam retrieved a broom from the corner and began to sweep up the pieces from the broken bottle. Dean stretched out on the bed and Sam was sure he would be asleep…..or passed out….in no time. As he dumped the glass into the trashcan he heard Dean murmur, "Sorry, Sammy."
"It's okay, Dean. It's not the first time I've had to clean up after you."
"I mean about Mom."
"That's not your fault."
"Yes, it is." Dean had rolled over onto his side and was staring at the floor, just past Sam's feet. He wouldn't meet his brother's eyes. "Everybody leaves me."
Lady Toni could have used every torture device she had on him and it would have hurt much less than hearing his brother say those words. When Dean said everybody, it included him. Sam sat next to his brother on the bed but Dean remained on his side, refusing to look at him.
"Dean…."
"She'd rather be dead with a memory than alive here with us," Dean muttered as a tear spilled from his eye and ran down the length of his nose. He wiped at it angrily. "Quit being a fucking baby, Dean."
"Dean, this isn't your fault. Mom just needs some time. It's not easy coming back from the dead. We both know that."
Dean snorted and finally looked up at his brother, his eyelids drooping heavily. "Dude, that is so fucked up."
"Story of our lives."
"I'm tired of losing everyone, Sammy."
"I'm not going anywhere, Dean."
Dean reached up and patted him awkwardly on the arm. "You're a good brother, Sammy."
Before Sam could reply, Dean began to snore softly. Sam pulled a blanket over his brother and whispered, "You're not so bad yourself."
Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome!
The end of that episode broke my heart!