Divorce, it's such an ugly word if you ask Serena. It's a word that she has heard too often in her life. Her mother was known for her many marriages. Serena never wanted to follow in her mother's footsteps in that aspect. However she is staring down at the paper work. All of the I's are dotted and the T's crossed. Her super expensive lawyer made sure to protect her rights. None of her money is going to Dan and he's keeping the money he's made off of his books. She got the apartment since Dan said he didn't want any of it. She knows he's probably going to get his own place since he can afford it. That doesn't make her feel any better about any of it. In fact she feels like complete shit but she knows she can't show it. All eyes have been on her since the divorce hit the papers and tabloids. Photographers and reporters have camped out right outside the building. She's been staying in, living off of room service and not taking any calls. It's only a matter of time before someone shows up like Blair or Chuck. Blair still likes to worry and Chuck has always bailed her out of trouble. The one good thing is that the two of them are currently living in Paris with Henri.
She reaches to grab all the papers to slide them into a manila folder. After scribbling Divorce Paperwork in her neat cursive she shoves it into a file cabinet. Hopefully she'll never have to look at it again. After that she leaves the office after turning off the light and shutting the door. A sigh falls from her and she takes a look around her home. It's full of all kinds of reminders of Dan and her. The walls are full of pictures of the two of them. Some are from the wedding, honeymoon, vacations, family gatherings and book signings. The smiling faces of Dan and her seem to taunt her. Should she throw them away? Should she pack them up? Should she leave them? There is so much she has to do but she doesn't know where to start. Instead of worrying about that she turns and makes a beeline towards the guest bedroom. It's been weeks since she's slept in the bed that she and Dan shared. It hurts too much to lay in it and be reminded of the past.
The blonde throws herself into the bed and tugs the duvet over her head. She knows that she needs to go out and face the real world. She needs to show everyone that she's okay and nothing is going to change. She's still the same Serena and nothing, not even a divorce, will change that. However she is not strong enough to face everyone. That's why she has become such a recluse. Her phone has been dead since the divorce hearing. That was an absolute mad house from the moment that she had stepped into the court room. Photographers had been trying to sneak in and on her way out she had been bombarded with questions. Everyone was wondering why she was getting a divorce. There were rumors of infidelity, drugs and drinking. None of which were true. Serena had cleaned up her act long ago and she hasn't steered away from that. Everyone seems to be waiting for her to go over the edge.
They are waiting for her to binge drink, snort coke and sleep with whoever she wants. They are waiting for the old Serena to return. She wants to prove that she's stronger than that. If she is being honest with herself, she knows that she isn't. She needs help but she doesn't know who to turn to. Tears fill her bright blue eyes and she tries her hardest not to sob. Her arms wrap around the other pillow and she holds it against her. It's not the same as hugging someone but it's going to have to do. It's best if she's alone even if she hates it. She can't just lean on anyone because she wants to be strong. She wants to be able to prove to everyone that she can be alone. That night she cries herself to sleep just like she has every night that week.
A few days later Serena forces herself to go out. She takes her time getting ready because she wants to look her best. She takes a half hour long shower using steaming hot water. Her blond locks are tamed and not tangled. She dresses herself simply in a black sundress that shows off her legs that go on for days. She twists her hair up in a knot and puts on a pair of ballet flats. The finishing touch is a pair of sunglasses. It takes her all of five seconds to select a purse and she forces herself to walk out the door. The halls are empty and she makes her way down to the lobby. Her eyes widen at the sight before her. Outside of the glass doors are tons of photographers. They seem to go into a frenzy at the sight of her. She looks around before she feels a hand on her arm," This way Ms. Serena." It's a welcome relief for her when she sees it's the doorman. He leads her towards the parking garage and out to where the town car is waiting.
She thanks him profusely before getting in. The driver shuts the door before getting in himself. He turns to look at her," Where to Ms. Van der Woodsen?" It's strange to hear her maiden name but she demanded that she go back to it. There is no way she could stand being called Mrs. Humphrey after the divorce. It would just make everything absolutely worse. She isn't sure where she wants to go but she finds herself saying," Central Park." He nods and soon she is on her way there. It doesn't take long before the car is pulling to a stop. Before the driver can even get out, Serena jumps out of the car and runs past the front gates. No one seems to notice her and she is extremely thankful. That would mean making actual conversation and she isn't ready for that. She isn't sure where she is going until she finds herself standing on a bridge.
People walk by but none of them even seem to look at her. Her purse falls from her grasp and she peers over the edge. A small sigh comes from her as she pulls off her wedding and engagement rings. Both of the rings are very expensive and are from Tiffany's. They both seem to sparkle in the sunlight. Some people would have thought she would have taken them off. That isn't the case though. Her rings are the one thing that she can't part with. She knows that she has to let them go. She has to let everything go that she had when she was married. She's no longer Mrs. Dan Humphrey. That part of her life is over and done with. It takes her a second to think about what she should do. She doesn't seem to think about what she's doing. In a few seconds she tosses them right into the water below.
People would probably call her insane for doing what she just did. Maybe she is insane but she doesn't care. A few seconds go by before she picks up her purse and walks away. There are tears in her eyes and a sad smile on her face. Never before did she think that she would be a divorcee. It's one marriage under her belt and god knows how many are too come. Maybe history is doomed to repeat itself but Serena hopes that it's not. The last thing that she wants is to be getting married and divorced, to enter a vicious cycle. She wants to improve herself and make everything better. The throwing away of the rings was just the first step.
The next step is to actually turn on her phone. Serena has been ignoring everyone and she knows it's the wrong thing to do. It's no surprise to her when she sees the countless missed calls and texts. They are all from Blair, Chuck, Nate, Eric and her mom. She's almost scared to listen to the voice mails that everyone has left. Before she can think about who to call back first, her phone starts to vibrate. Her eyes widen in surprise when she sees Nate's name and picture flash on the screen. She doesn't seem to think about what she's doing as she slides her finger along the screen. Her hands are shaking and she puts the phone up to her ear," Hello?" Her tone is nervous but she doesn't know why. She hears the sound of a door shutting and then Nate's voice," Serena? Are you okay? I haven't heard from you in god knows how long! I was about to come to your fucking apartment!" The tone of his voice makes her flinch. She looks down at the ground even though he isn't there," I just wanted to be alone, I'm sorry Natie." Her tone is pleading because she knows that he can't be mad at her.
He sighs before she hears him say," Can I come over? Bring you something? Chocolate croissants?" It's a welcome relief to know that there is someone who cares. She looks back up towards all the pictures that are on the wall," Um, actually, how about we meet for coffee?" Even though she loves the idea of hiding away in her apartment she knows she can't. Nate agrees and tells her that he has a car that is going to be picking her up. They hang up and she goes to get actual clothes on. She trades her sweats for a plum wrap dress that still had the tags on it. After making sure she has everything that she needs, she goes down to wait for the car. There are still some photographers but not nearly as many as before. It's a relief to know that people aren't still talking about the divorce. It's probably still being mentioned but it's not brand new gossip anymore. In the world of Blue Bloods there is always something going on.
The car takes her to Starbucks and she can see Nate inside. He is already at a table with two cups of coffee in front of him. She thanks the driver before going inside and hurrying over to where Nate is sitting. He leaps up from the chair the moment that he sees her. Before she can get out so much as a word, she's in his arms. For a few brief moments she actually feels safe. Nate has always made her feel safe since they were both little. He presses a chaste kiss to her forehead before motioning for her to sit. The two of them sit across from each other and he doesn't say a word. He watches as she takes a few sips of the non-fat vanilla latte with extra whip-cream. Even after so many years, he still knows everything about her. He knows what she likes, what she hates, what she orders on her pizza etc. She looks over at him after a second and reaches for his hand," I'm okay Nate you don't need to look at me like I'm going to burst out in tears." He sighs at her words, shaking his head," You basically fell off the face of the earth Serena, what do you expect?"
She sticks her tongue out at him without thinking about what she's doing. It's something that she used to do. It was before she got married and life got even more complicated. The two of them talk about his career, his family and his latest relationship with a woman that his grandfather picked out. All of New York seems to be waiting for the day that Nate Archibald ties the knot. He tries to ask her about how she is which she dodges those questions. She doesn't want to get emotional in public with tons of people around. Plus she wants to come off as strong to everyone, especially Nate. He makes her promise to call him more often and to call Blair. The brunette has been driving him absolutely crazy. Nate was sure that Blair had been driving Chuck crazy too. They walk out of the coffee house and she turns to pull him into her arms," I needed this, thank you for making me come out today."
He holds onto her, ignoring the people that are staring. The two of them stand like that on the sidewalk. It's Nate that pulls away from her," I have a meeting to get to, you will make sure to call me." She nods and mock salutes him," Yes Sir."
Another week goes by but she's made actual progress. She's seen both Blair and Chuck. Blair lectured her for a good half hour. She took down the pictures with Dan from the apartment and packed them away. To everyone's shock, including her own, she's decided to attend a charity gala. She knows that she needs to face the public sometime. Everyone is waiting for her to make an appearance. The day of the event she spares no expense. She gets her hair done, a manicure and a pedicure. Her personal shopper at Bendels found her the perfect dress for the black tie event. It's a strapless red evening gown that is backless. The skirt comes down to her ankles and there is a slit going on the left side. Just as she's slipping on a pair of shoes, she realizes it's the first time she'll be attending an event alone. Once she and Dan got together the two of them went everywhere together. Now she's going to have to get used to being alone.
She pushes her hair onto one shoulder before heading down to the town car. Her heart is racing and her stomach in knots. Part of her is starting to think that she should head up to her apartment. A night in bed with Sex and the City and a bottle of wine sounds better. Before she can even say something to her driver, the car is moving. She leans back against the seat and looks down at the Chanel clutch. After about thirty minutes she is there and she sees the usual amount of photographers. Serena takes a few deep breaths before she slowly steps out. All eyes go back to her and she is blinded by the flashes. That doesn't stop her from putting on the fake smile that she has perfected. She is extremely relieved when she is inside and away from the insanity. Her coat is taken and she slowly walks into the ballroom. Nearly everyone that she knows is there. Most of them seem to look over at her and she can see them whispering.
Chuck is suddenly at her side, taking her by the arm," Come on sis, you need a drink." She is all too happy to let him lead her to the bar. He orders her a gin martini and gets his usual scotch. She takes the drink from the bar tender before looking over at him," So where is your other half? And how is my god son?" Henri has been the apple of her eye since he was born. It's been weeks since she saw him and she feels horrible. He shrugs at her questions," I don't honestly know where Blair is," he pauses," Henri is good, he's been missing you." A pang of guilt hits her and she sighs," I'm such a horrible god mom, aren't I? I'll be sure to swing by tomorrow and I'll even take him off your hands for a while." Chuck nods, pressing a kiss to her cheek," It's good to see you here S, you've been missed." It took her a while to get used to the new and improved Chuck but she has found she likes him more than the old one.
Most of the night Serena is surrounded by people that she hasn't seen since the divorce made the papers. All of them seem to be intent on getting every single detail out of her. She does her best to dodge the questions but there are a few people that are rather persistent. She goes to grab herself another drink only to see Nate out of the corner of her eye. He seems to be deep in conversation with someone that looks twice his age. There is also a red head on his arm, looking all prim and proper. She doesn't even think about what she's doing since if she's being with herself, she had one drink too many. She walks over, all smiles and giggling," Nate! Hey!" He turns at the sound of her voice and his face drops to her confusion. He can practically smell the alcohol on her breath. His date, whose name he can't remember, tugs on his arm. All he does is shrug it off before he grabs Serena and pulls her away from everyone," Serena, you're drunk." His tone is accusatory but Serena just giggles even more. All she does is nod as she places her hands on his shoulders," I just had a few but the people and their questions," she pauses, suddenly sad," Questions about Dan, questions about me, I couldn't keep answering them."
It's clear to him now why she chose to get wasted her first time out. He reaches to put his arm around her and lead her out. She leans into him and he ignores his date who is yelling for him. All eyes seem to be on them but he ignores it. After all he's used to all the attention that came from his family name. She doesn't say anything as he ushers her into the car. He just holds her the entire drive back to her apartment. She stumbles inside, only standing upright because of Nate. Once they are in her room, she drops back onto the king sized bed. He goes to her closet to find her something to sleep in. There are too many choices and he eventually decides on a green nightgown. When he goes back into the bedroom, he sees that she already took off her dress. Her shoes looked like they were kicked off. Her hands are currently yanking the bobby pins holding her hair up.
He goes to pull her away from the mirror and tells her to sit. The blond plops down onto the bed like a child, her eyes focused on him. It's so clear to him that she's lost and doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to help her or how to save her. That's all he wants, he wants nothing more than to make Serena happy. He misses seeing her smile hearing her laugh and having her make fun of him. She lets him pull the nightgown over her and he tucks her in. Before he can go to get up, her hand shoots out to grab it," Don't leave," she whispers, half asleep," Everyone always leaves."
Lily is beyond furious with her due to the stunt that she pulled. Serena almost doesn't want to have to face her mother. She knows that she is a mess but she is trying so hard to fix herself. It's like high school all over again only there is no Dan Humphrey to save her. Instead of going out again, she decides to focus on herself. That means getting back to work and going to see Henri. Her god son was more than happy to see her when she showed up. She took him to the zoo and bought him ice cream which Blair wasn't all too thrilled about. The one person that she hasn't tried to contact is Nate. She doesn't want to have to face him after what she pulled. She doesn't want to have to see the look on his face. He's probably disappointed in her just like everyone else. It's been such a long time since she went off the rails. In fact it's been years since she got shit faced in public. It's completely different since no one can force her to get better. She lives on her own and can shut herself away for however long she wants.
She does her best to avoid alcohol even though she's extremely tempted to drink. Instead she focuses on her redecorating her apartment. Any invitation to an event gets tossed in the trash. She shuts herself off from the world even though she knows that people are waiting. She finds herself at the desk that Dan picked out. Her arms are crossed over her chest and her teeth sink into her lower lip. There's a nervous look in her eyes as she wonders what to do. Dan left in such a hurry and didn't take everything with him. Something inside of her tells her that she should just leave it alone. It's another reminder of everything that went wrong in her life. So she knows that she has no choice, she needs to go through it and then get rid of it. Hopefully there is nothing too important. Dan always did take care of the important stuff like taxes or whatever.
She reaches up to tighten the bun that her hair is thrown up in. After a few minutes she drops down into the chair and begins to open drawers. Some of them are filled with old manuscripts. In the very bottom one there is an envelope with Dan's name on it. Her eye brow shoots up as she reaches to take it out. The hand writing doesn't look familiar and she reaches to open it. It's some kind of letter and she slowly unfolds it. Her eyes widen when she sees a picture fall out onto the ground. Curious, she leans down to pick it up and her stomach drops. It's a picture of Dan with Vanessa, looking extremely close. Tears fill her eyes and she angrily tosses both items to the side. Before she can really think about it, she grabs her phone and dials Dan's number. There is the sound of ringing and then she hears someone pick up," Hello?" It's not Dan's voice, its Vanessa's. Serena quickly hangs up and sets her phone down. It's stupid of her to cry but she can't help it.
Finally she grabs her phone again and hits Nate's number. She hopes to god that he'll answer and thankfully he does. Before he can say hello, she begins to speak," He was fucking cheating on me Nate he was cheating on me with Vanessa." Her words are mangled with tears. She hears him gasp in shock before he says," I'll be there in ten." There's a click and the line goes dead. She sets her phone back down and buries her face in her hands. Her shoulders shake as she continues to cry. All she can do is sit there and finally the door opens. There is the sound of footsteps and Nate appears in the doorway. He rushes to pull her into his arms and sighs," I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
The two of them end up in her bed. The TV is on but neither of them is honestly paying attention to it. They are both on their sides, facing each other. He reaches to take her hand into his," Are you going to be okay Serena?" She shrugs, squeezing his hand without thinking twice about it," I don't know what I'm doing I want to be okay Natie." Neither of them says a word and they just stare at each other. The silence isn't awkward instead it's comfortable. He scoots closer to her and takes a deep breath," I'll help you be okay Serena, I promise."
Nate, like always, keeps his promise. He takes her out and helps her with choosing new furniture. He makes sure that she goes to work, sees her friends and forces her to go with him to family events. His grandfather isn't exactly happy because Serena isn't his choice. That never mattered to Nate and it never will. They are practically attached at the hip. Some have asked if they are together but Serena denies it. She doesn't need another reason for people to camp out in front of her apartment. For the first time since everything fell apart, Serena has started to feel normal again. It only took her forever to figure out how and she knows she couldn't have done it without Nate. He's the main reason that she's even functioning like a normal human being. She doesn't know what she would do if she didn't have him around to help her out.
Nate decides that the two of them are going to attend some party that his grandfather is throwing. Its black tie, of course, and everyone who matters will be there. Serena dresses in a modest pale blue dress. Nate wears a suit with a pale blue tie that goes with her dress. They arrive just on time and are soon making the rounds. Instead of getting a martini like she normally would, she asks for water. Everyone is surprised at how well she seems to be acting. She goes off to say hi to some of her friends while Nate talks with his family. All eyes seem to be on them and they all seem to be waiting for Serena to mess up. No one knows what to make of her. She can't help but feel like an animal on display. It's going to drive her insane but she knows that she deserves it. She has pulled one too many stunts to not have some kind of back lash.
Serena excuses herself from the small talk and slips out onto the balcony. Hardly anyone is out there which is why she chose it. She leans against the railing to look down at the grass below. Her fingers run along the railing absently. It's nice for her to be able to get away from everyone. She needs a break from all the questions and prying eyes. All she can think about is how so much has changed. She's a divorced woman who is barely clinging to her last thread of sanity. The one person who is helping her is her ex-boyfriend. It's fucked up and she doesn't know what to do. She wants nothing more than to bury her sorrows away but she doesn't know how to anymore. It's hard for her to put up the mask that she perfected as a teenager. She has no choice but to face everything that she is feeling even if she hates it. All she can do is feel and she can't numb herself. Nothing would make her feel better then to have a few drinks and maybe pop a few pills.
The door opens and Nate steps out onto the balcony. He walks up from behind her and reaches to pull her towards him," What's going on Serena?" She turns around to face him and her hands go to his shoulders," I'm fucked up Natie, I don't even remember how to be happy anymore." He almost wishes that she was drinking but he knows that she hasn't touched any alcohol. The look on her face is heartbreaking. It reminds him of the many times she would show up at his door when they were growing up. Lily always took off without even finding someone to care of her and Eric. Serena tried to act tough for her baby brother but when he was tucked away, Nate saw how Serena felt. She always felt lost and like no one cared about her. He pulls her close," Serena, you'll be happy again," he pauses," I promise you that you will be."
She looks up at him with tears in her eyes. Her eyes are wide and she looks so fucking lost. He's not thinking as he leans down to press his mouth to hers. She gasps but doesn't pull away but she doesn't kiss him back either. All she does is stand there, stunned. He doesn't even know what's gotten into him but he can't seem to control himself. His mouth moves against hers, his tongue running along her bottom lip. She still tastes the same, like strawberries and vanilla. She tastes like Serena, like home. He's the one that pulls away when she doesn't return the kiss," I'll make you happy again." It's a promise that Serena knows he won't break.
Serena avoids Nate for a while after that night. She doesn't return his calls, ignores his messages and steers clear of anywhere he might be. She shuts herself up in the apartment again just like she did after the divorce hearing. It's stupid and childish but she doesn't care. One thing that she still does is go to work. She makes sure to talk to Blair, Chuck and her mom. All of them are extremely concerned about what she's doing. No one knows how to handle her not being happy. It's been a long time since she was such a train wreck. After about five days of staying shut in, she goes to Central Park. It was one of the few places that feels totally and completely at peace. She walks around Sheep Meadow and Strawberry fields. She even gets ice cream before getting comfortable on one of the benches.
Her legs swing and she looks around. There aren't too many people around which makes her feel more at ease. She looks down at the ground, staring at her feet. The blonde is so lost in her thoughts that she doesn't realize someone is sitting beside her. Whoever it is, clears their throat and she hears an all too familiar voice," Serena, fancy seeing you here." She turns her head to see its Dan beside her. Her throat tightens up and her stomach drops. What is she supposed to do? She wants to run but she knows that would look stupid. She scoots away to make sure that there is some distance between them," Where's Vanessa?" There is a confused look on Dan's face and she rolls her eyes," I saw the letter, how long were you cheating on me? Or was it a one-time only thing?"
He lets out a groan after that," It only happened a few times, I wanted to tell you." She can't help but roll her eyes at him," Instead you shut me out and left me alone," she pauses," You made me feel like absolute shit and like I wasn't being a good wife when really you were the one ruining our marriage." He looks like he wants to grab her hand and she quickly puts both her hands in her lap. The tears are in her eyes but for the first time in weeks it's not tears of sadness. The tears are ones of anger and she is so glad to be feeling something other than sadness. She slowly stands up and turns to face him," How dare you Dan Humphrey! How dare you put me through hell! I can forgive you for a lot of things but not this! I hope you and Vanessa are very happy together."
Dan is clearly rendered speechless as she storms off. Serena doesn't know what she's doing but she's walking towards Nate's townhouse. She pounds on the door until the maid answers. The Hispanic woman tells her that Nate is upstairs, working. Before she can try to say that he doesn't want to be disturbed, Serena storms past her. She hurries up the stairs into Nate's office," Nate." He looks up from his computer, clearly confused and not sure what to do. She walks over and pushes the chair from the desk," I want to be happy I want to be happy with you." That's all it takes for him to yank her into his lap and her mouth claims his own.